


Bittersweet

by loonagarbage



Series: The Loona Lesbiverse [1]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lesbian, Loona - Freeform, Romance, Slow Burn, chuuves - Freeform, jinsoul - Freeform, kim lip - Freeform, lipsoul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-29 22:38:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 116,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19839955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonagarbage/pseuds/loonagarbage
Summary: When Jinsoul bumps into a certain girl at a coffee shop near campus, she starts to question things about herself she never would have expected. Will she pursue these newfound feelings, or will she be too scared to ever even address their existence?Rated M for later chapters! Mild language throughout





	1. Sweet Hearts

**_Jinsoul’s POV_ **

“Hey dingbat, you slept through your alarm!” Sooyoung shouted directly in my ear, jolting me awake with a gasp. She was up and ready, fully dressed and made up, fixing her hair in the mirror.

I grumbled under my breath, sleepily sitting up and rubbing at one of my eyes, “What time’s it?”

Surprisingly she understood my slurred question, “9:30. Unless you feel like running, you’re gonna be late.” She slid her backpack onto her shoulder smoothly, all of her movements always seeming effortless somehow. Even her side of the room was always tidy, way more so than mine.

“Ah, goddamn it!” I lunged out of bed and started hastily throwing the drawers of my dresser open, grabbing whatever clothes I could find that wouldn’t clash too badly.

Before leaving me to my rushing, Sooyoung took the liberty of going to my messy desk and putting in my laptop and books for me, “Here, this’ll at least give you a bit more of a chance,” She gently patted my shoulder as she brushed past, “Good luck!” The door shut behind her. I caught a glimpse of her usual dazzling smile before I heard her small heels clicking off down the hall.

After practically jumping into some jeans and throwing on a t-shirt, I picked up my bag and rushed down the hall to class, forgetting to even lock the door. I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of that when Sooyoung came back to an unlocked room, but I was too stressed to care right then.

By nothing short of a miracle, I got all the way across campus in only fifteen minutes and burst into class a couple minutes late. I reassured myself in my head over and over that being a couple minutes late was normal, people were a couple minutes late all the time. Despite that, my hands were all shaky when I took down the notes and it took half an hour to even fully catch my breath.

We broke up into pairs to proofread drafts of our first paper. It was early, and I still didn’t really know anybody, so I went up to a girl who smiled at me in the hall one time.

“Hi, I’m Jinsol.” I pulled up a chair next to her.

She seemed startled, even jumped a bit where she sat when I first talked, and started to fumble with her notebook, “Hi- hello! I’m um, Kahei.” She had a bit of an accent, but I couldn’t really tell where it was from. I wasn’t good with that sort of stuff.

I held out my hand and she weakly shook it, “Nice to meet you, do you have a partner?”

For a second her brow furrowed slightly in confusion, before she answered, “Oh, no, I don’t. You can read through my paper, but please keep in mind Korean isn’t my first language.” She seemed dreadfully shy.

“Okay! Yeah, no problem - where are you from?” We swapped papers and I started to look at hers. Damn, it already seemed better than mine. I felt a blush creep to my cheeks at the realization and tried to explain it away by telling myself I just didn’t understand the material.

“China. I came here for school.” She seemed to choose her words carefully.

“Your pronunciation is really good! I’ve always wanted to go to China.” I glanced at her. She was already marking my paper up with a pink pen.

She had been so focused on doing the work that she almost didn’t register what I said, “You should go some day. I like it.” I would hope so, it was where she was from.

I decided not to say much else and just read through what she’d written. Yep, it was confirmed, her paper was much better than mine. I had basically nothing to critique about it. At the very end I wrote some positive comments and made sure to put a little smiley face there too.

We weren’t partnered up for long, and pretty soon we had to go back to our seats. The rest of the class was pretty dull and basic. Although Kahei made a bunch of comments on my paper, most were about word choice or rearranging things, and the edits definitely improved it. While we were all leaving, I went out of my way to talk to her again. I seriously needed some friends besides Sooyoung, and she seemed really nice.

“Hey Kahei,” She jumped again, surprised, “Listen, uh, I’m pretty sure you have a better grasp on this stuff than I do. Do you think maybe we could meet up sometime, out of class? I could use a tutor.”

She smiled for the first time, a sweet, bright smile that made my chest feel lighter, “Yes-- um, that would be really good! I live in the dorm by the science building, uh, here,” She used that same pink pen to jot something down on a corner of paper before tearing if off and handing it to me, “That’s my number, text me when you need help. I’m kind of busy but I can make time.”

“Great, I hope I’ll see you around!” She smiled again and headed off down the hall.

I finally had some breathing room for the first time that day before my next class, and my stomach was growling from not having eaten breakfast. There was a small café right off campus that I’d been meaning to try, so I texted my one friend besides Sooyoung and asked her to grab a coffee with me.

I got there first, still feeling all disheveled and off balance because of my hasty morning. Putting my stuff down at an empty table, I went up to the counter, too focused on trying to pick something from the menu to actually notice any of the employees.

“What can I get for ya?” A silky sounding voice immediately drew my attention and I looked toward the speaker.

Whatever I’d planned on saying got caught in my throat. Oh my God.

Long, blonde hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and partially concealed by a ballcap with the store’s logo printed on it. Her cheekbones were high, her lips were full and had an entrancing Cupid’s bow, her jawline was defined and her skin was so creamy and smooth she looked like she’d been photoshopped in real life. She wore a small smirk and one of her eyebrows was slightly raised at me. It was only then that I realized she’d asked me a question.

I put conscious effort into shutting my mouth, which had fallen slightly open after seeing this girl. I looked briefly at her nametag: _Jungeun._ Somehow, even without knowing anything about her, I just knew that name fit perfectly.

“Um, uh, I-- yeah,” _Great job, Jinsol, way to stammer._ I clenched my phone that I still held in my hand with white knuckles, trying to get it together, “Can I just get a uh, um--” I hadn’t looked at the menu enough. I didn’t even know what I wanted. I felt heat rising in my cheeks and I just silently prayed that I wasn’t turning too red.

Her smirk spread into a full on smile as she looked at me with what I read as mild pity, “Would you like a recommendation?” Her snark was hard to miss, but I actually appreciated the help.

“Huh? Um, I mean, yes. Yeah, I’ve never been here before...” I glanced around the store for a second, glad that I’d come in during a bit of a lull. There was nobody waiting in line behind me getting mad at how long I was taking.

She hummed curiously, leaning a bit over the counter as the focused more on me, “Well, what’re you in the mood for? Something sweet? A caffeine boost?” She drummed her slender fingers against the countertop and I was intrigued by her red, painted, carefully manicured nails.

“Caffeine would be best. I’ve had a rough morning.” I found her absolutely mesmerizing to look at, but every time I did I felt my heart flutter. I distracted my eyes with skimming the menu.

“Oh that’s too bad. Here, I think I know something you’ll like.” Without saying another word, she shot me a wink that made my legs feel like jelly before she spun around and started puttering about with a bunch of machines and ingredients. I could tell just from how naturally she was doing everything that she must have worked there for a long time.

A minute or so later, she came back to the counter with a small, round cup. There was foam along the top, as well as a neatly formed heart carved into it with caramel. If I hadn’t been blushing before, I definitely was then.

A smile of disbelief made its way to my face, and I looked up at her, “Um, what’s this..?” I wasn’t even necessarily sure of what I was asking about: the heart, or the drink.

She interpreted it as the latter, “It’s a caramel cappuccino, my favorite thing on the menu. I made it extra carefully, maybe it’ll turn your day around.” She gently slid the cup on its small platter toward me, and I carefully wrapped my hands around the porcelain to stop them from trembling.

“I- uh, thanks. I bet I’ll like it.” I paid for it and tipped generously, sitting back down at the table. From my position I couldn’t see the counter, and while I was seriously considering switching seats, Haseul came in.

“Jinsolieee!” She called out in a sing-song voice, sitting across from me with a wide smile. Her exuberance was always so refreshing. “Oh honey, did you wake up late again?”

“Wh-- can you tell??” I reached up self-consciously and started to smooth down my hair.

She cringed slightly, “Just a little! You’ve got two different socks on, and your hair’s sorta messy in the back, but hey you can rock any look, you’re still killin’ it.”

I rolled my eyes, more or less accepting my situation and just hoping that Jungeun thought it was endearing.

“Did you eat anything yet today?” Haseul asked, adopting her usual mom-tone.

“No, but I was gonna--”

“No buts. Stay here, I’ll get you something,” Before I could even say anything else she was already up and heading to the counter.

I half heartedly took my laptop from my bag and tried to do some work, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Jungeun. I was really glad that I’d read her name tag, otherwise I would’ve just kept referring to her as “café girl,” which doesn’t have nearly the same ring. I wasn’t entirely sure why I was having such a lasting reaction, I mean, it was a college campus - it wasn’t unusual to see a cute girl. But... normally I just would think in my head “oh, she’s pretty,” and it stopped there. There weren’t any feelings, I didn’t get struck dumb, my jaw didn’t drop, my hands didn’t shake, and I didn’t get butterflies that stuck around even after she was out of sight. With Jungeun, it was just the opposite. Also, she wasn’t just pretty. She was... gorgeous.

I stared down at the heart still visible in the foam of my cappuccino. I didn’t want to disturb it. I pulled out my phone and took a quick picture of it, trying to be discrete.

Haseul came back to her seat with two small pastries, placing one in front of me, “Eat that! You need to eat something, you have class in like twenty minutes.”

“Okay mom, jeez.” I took a bite but almost sputtered it out when I spotted familiar blond hair in my peripheral vision. Jungeun had come out from behind the counter to wipe down some tables and I couldn’t help but stare pretty blatantly.

“You need a mom, you’re like a fish out of water here. Don’t act like you don’t appreciate me taking you under my wing...” She trailed off mid mom-lecture and looked over at what I was so enthralled with, “...what? That girl?”

“Um...” I wasn’t sure if I should confess. I wasn’t even sure what this meant, I was just so infatuated with her. Even just watching her move, watching how confidently she walked, how seamlessly she conducted all of her work, “Sorta...”

Haseul seemed just as confused with my interest as I was, “Do you know her from somewhere or something?”

I took my first, cautious sip of the cappucino she’d made me. She had definitely been right, it was delicious, “Not exactly.”

At that moment, Jungeun turned around and headed back to the counter. I frantically looked away, but Haseul didn’t. Jungeun shot her a smile, since she definitely noticed the staring. Haseul returned it automatically.

“ _Wow_ she’s pretty.” She whispered under her breath.

“Uh, yeah.” I wholeheartedly agreed as if automatically.

“Is that why you’re staring...?” Haseul asked me slowly, carefully. I couldn’t really read her voice.

I’d known Haseul since I’d gotten to university a month before. We’d hit it off, both being freshmen, both nervous and needing friends. She was local, and I was as far from home as I could get without leaving the country. Sometimes she’d invite me over to her house ten minutes away for dinner, and it’d help get rid of my homesickness just to be around a family. And I was barely exaggerating when I called her a mom, she was always making sure I was eating, that I was doing my assignments on time, that I got to class and that I wasn’t pushing myself too hard. Although she knew me the most out of everyone on campus, even more than Sooyoung, she didn’t know anything about my dating history.

It wasn’t like there was much to know, just a few meaningless flings with the occasional guy. Never anything... with a girl.

Not that I was jumping to any sort of conclusion that I actually, y'know, _felt_ something for this girl. I knew nothing about her. Maybe I’d just been... startled by how pretty she was? Or something? I tried to reason it away and it was working just enough for me to start to ignore it.

“Uh, no, I just like her shoes.”

That wasn’t true. I knew that, but nobody else had to.


	2. Tease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinsol discovers a mutual connection to the barista who's been clouding her thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

I sat in the library in the usual meeting spot, bored and waiting. I was on Facebook, searching desperately for any girls name Jungeun and wondering just how creepy what I was doing was from an objective standpoint. Was this weird? Was my level of infatuation with this girl I literally saw once weird? _Yeah, it probably is._ I thought to myself, taking a deep breath and setting my phone down on top of the table.

Just as I put it down, it buzzed with a text from Sooyoung. I glanced at it, feeling like I already knew what it said.

_Sooyoung-ah: Jinsol are you literally stupid_

I rolled my eyes, smiling slightly as she sent a few more to finish her thought.

_Sooyoung-ah: why is our room unlocked_

_Sooyoung-ah: i have the worst roommate_

_Sooyoung-ah: do you want all our stuff to get stolen_

_Sooyoung-ah: you’re lucky you’re kinda cool or i swear i’d request a room change_

Wow, Sooyoung just called me “kinda cool,” we were breaking new ground in friendship territory. I typed out a blowing-kiss emoji before texting back, “you too.” I honestly felt pretty validated knowing that Sooyoung thought anything of me, because saying she was “kinda cool” was a bit of an understatement. In fact she was probably one of the coolest people I’d met at university. I’d heard plenty of horror stories about awful roommates, and damn had I gotten lucky.

I heard the door to the library open and I looked up to see that usual cheery, shining face rushing toward me with that same skip in her step. It was impossible not to smile right back at her whenever she came into view.

“Hiiii!” She practically jumped into the seat across from me, taking out her notebooks, “Jinsol, I am _soooo_ confused about this stuff, but I just kept telling myself that I knew I’d be okay because you’ll help! I have a quiz tomorrow though, so yeah, help would definitely be good! God I am so bad with this stuff, but I think it’s because I’m good at other things, so it balances out!” She said all that in a matter of like, five seconds. I’d gotten pretty good at processing what she said despite how fast she tended to talk.

I’d been tutoring Yerim since a week or two earlier. She needed help with History, which was the one subject I was semi-good at, and through an organization based out of the school I’d get paid for it. Not much, but enough to be able to eat something besides cafeteria food every now and then. Yerim was also one of the sweetest, most positive and optimistic people perhaps on the whole planet. She was a candidate for tutoring because she’d totally bombed a really important test the year before and had to retake her class - something that would’ve put a damper on practically anyone, but she didn’t even flinch. She somehow put a positive spin on it. If i remember right, the cutest thing she ever said was that, “if she hadn’t failed the test, she never would have met me.”

“Alright, well I can definitely help you, don’t worry.” I adored Yerim’s contagious happiness, but sometimes her energy got out of hand and she’d get distracted.

For instance, right then she kept looking over my shoulder out the large windows in the library for some reason, “It’s so nice out, don’t you think?”

I scoffed slightly, “It’s pretty cloudy, and the wind was blowing my hair into knots.”

She waved her hand at me dismissively, “Shush! The blossoms are coming out on the trees - look how pretty!” She pointed emphatically behind me.

Complying, I turned and checked. Sure enough, the tall trees outside were pretty beautiful despite the clouds shielding the sunlight. We were on the second floor so all of the blossoms were almost blocking out the windows.

“Alright, that is pretty nice--”

“--Will you take my picture??” She looked at me with wide, excited eyes. How could I say no to that?

I sighed lightly in defeat, “Okay but let’s be quick - we’ve got work to do.”

She squealed in glee before standing up, tossing me her phone, and rushing over to the window, already posing by the time I was out of my chair. How was it even possible for someone to be so excited and energized all the time without burning out? Maybe she went to bed really early every night or something.

I turned on her phone’s screen and almost dropped it to the floor from my surprise.

Her lock screen was a selfie of she and five or so of her friends, but what made my heart leap into my throat was the girl putting bunny ears behind Yerim’s head. It was Jungeun. From the coffee shop. It was her. They knew each other??

“Jinsol??? C’mon, I thought we had work to do?”

I blinked hard, trying to focus again as I unlocked her phone. No passcode. Man this girl was trusting, “Yeah, yep, uh, hold still.” I took a bunch of pictures, all the while with her alternating her poses. My hands were shaking slightly, so I just had to hope that they didn’t come out blurry.

“Thank you!! You really are the best tutor!” She smiled at me again, (when did she not smile?) and we went back to our seats. This time _I_ was the one who was distracted.

I couldn’t believe Yerim knew Jungeun. What were the odds of that? What were the odds of me finding out? That I’d see her lock screen? The superstitious part of me just kept saying over and over that it meant something, that making that connection and finding this wasn’t just coincidence, it must mean _something_.

“Jinsol?” Yerim spoke up quietly, probably the quietest I’d ever heard her speak.

I snapped out of my mental tangent, “What? Oh, uh, right-- let’s get back to it.” I forced a smile but still couldn’t think straight.

I fumbled my way through our hour and a half long tutor session, the whole time way too preoccupied with thoughts of Jungeun to ever fully commit all of my attention to the task at hand. I was trying to think of a way to casually bring up Jungeun, to ask about her friends, something, _anything_.

“Oh, it’s 4! I’ve gotta go, my mom’s outside,” I watched as she started to pack up all of her things, humming some song to herself. If I was going to try and ask her about Jungeun, I was definitely losing my chance.

“Wait, uh--” I felt myself starting to panic, not even knowing what I planned on saying and she was already looking at me expectantly, “Um-- Yerim, do you want to maybe grab a coffee sometime?” _Oh boy that definitely sounded like you were asking her on a date._ I thought to myself, internally grimacing.

She raised an eyebrow, “Coffee? Oh I definitely shouldn’t drink coffee, I’m hyper enough as it is!” At least she was aware of it.

“Well it doesn’t have to be coffee, uh, I uh, there’s a café a street away from campus that I’ve been going to--”

Her face lit up even more so than normal, “--Oooh, you mean the Roost?” I nodded, “My friend works there!” I barely managed to contain my excitement.

“Oh? That’s cool, maybe I’ve seen her.” I was surprised at how nonchalant I was managing to sound, when my hands that I still held beneath the table were trembling like crazy. I clasped them together tightly.

“Probably, she works a lot!” She tugged her phone from the pocket of her coat and tapped it to open up the lock screen, flipping it around and showing me, “She’s the blond one right next to me.”

Jeez, everytime I saw her I swore I blushed. Hopefully it didn’t show, “Yeah, I think I recognize her!” I paused for a few seconds, my brain going a million miles an hour to try and make a feasible plan, “So, uh, would you wanna go there sometime? I think you’re really fun, and I don’t want to _just_ be your tutor, it’d be cool to be friends.”

Just when I thought I’d gotten used to how wide and how often she smiled, she somehow topped it by looking happier than I’d ever seen her before, “Of course!! I mean, I already hoped that we _were_ friends, but if you wanna be even _better_ friends then absolutely!” By that point I’d stood up, and she rushed over to hug me tightly.

I laughed a bit, startled by the sign of affection but still hugging her back, “Ok, well that sounds good! I’ll text you.”

“You better!” She pulled away, zipping up her bag and putting it on, “I’ll let you know how I do on that quiz! Bye Jinsol!” She skipped her way out of the library, putting on headphones and already humming to herself again.

***

It made absolutely no sense for me to be this nervous. At least that was what I kept telling myself.

I didn’t know her. She was just a pretty girl, I knew a lot of pretty girls. Sooyoung was really pretty, Haseul too. And I didn’t even _like_ girls, so why was I getting all these butterflies, and why was I spending fifteen minutes pacing in front of the Roost, way too scared to even go in?

_Yerim’s gonna be here in like, ten minutes, you dolt. Just go in. She might not even be working! Stop this, stop being so extra, my god._ I took a deep, dragging breath and buried my face into my hands for a second. My tense shoulders relaxed slightly. _At least you look nicer than you did that other day._ I pinched myself for thinking like that, _Who cares?? She doesn’t care! Why do you care if she cares?? God what is wrong with you..._

Finally, I forced myself to push the door open. A small bell jingled above my head that I hadn’t noticed before. Immediately my eyes shot to the counter and I held my breath--

\--but she wasn’t there. It was just some gangly looking guy with glasses, and a younger looking girl who seemed new based on how closely she was shadowing him.

I was flooded with relief and I let out a heavy sigh, but there was also this lingering sense of disappointment hanging over my head. Despite my confusing nerves, I had _wanted_ to see her.

Trying to push aside my nonsensical emotions, I brought my focus back to Yerim. It’d be fun to hangout with her, so I should be happy, right? I grabbed the same table I’d sat at the day I first saw Jungeun, as if that would somehow summon her.

Yerim burst through the door not soon after me, the sound of the bell jangling above the door drowned out by her enthusiastic, bubbly raised voice, “Jinsol!!! Ooh, you look so nice! I love your outfit! Have you ordered yet??” She sat across from me, grinning from ear to ear as usual.

I tried to process the onslaught of compliments right as she leaned over the table to clumsily hug me. Yeah, I definitely knew that it wouldn’t hurt to have Yerim as a friend. To have a source of contagious optimism and cheeriness on standby? Yes please.

She drew away and briefly scanned the café, before her eyebrows knitted in slight confusion, “That’s weird...” She pulled her phone from purple backpack and briefly started to tap on it.

“What’s weird?” I asked as I felt my heartbeat quicken for a few seconds. Something about Jungeun?

She glanced back up at me before focusing on her phone again, “Huh? Oh-- my friend was supposed to be here. She told me she was working, but I don’t see her...” She pouted adorably before huffing out a breath of irritation and getting to her feet.

With the possibility of Jungeun actually being here returning, my nerves did as well. I felt a blush creeping up my neck and settling on my cheeks, and I clenched my hands into fists to stop them from shaking as I tried to seem casual.

_What if she_ ** _is_** _here? What if she comes out, what if you have to_ ** _talk_** _to her??!_ My mind was going crazy, conjuring up infinite scenarios in which I made a fool of myself somehow. Maybe I’d spill my drink on her, stumble over my words, knock something over. I was a bit of a klutz. I slightly bit at my lower lip, the trembling of my hands starting to subtly spread to the rest of my body. Jeez, why was I having such a strong reaction? What was wrong with me? 

I watched in dreadful anticipation as Yerim talked to the guy at the counter, just barely able to make out what she was saying, “Hey, is Jungeun working today?”

He smiled at Yerim as if he recognized her, but it also may have been due to how impossibly happy she looked all the time, “Uh, yeah. She’s just in back on break--”

_“Jungeun-ah!!”_ Yerim’s high-pitched shriek pierced through the whole café. The rest of the customers all jumped slightly and looked over at her in confusion, and the poor guy across the counter took a startled step back and bumped into the new girl, almost knocking her down.

Sure enough, a door behind the counter swung open and out stepped Jungeun. My whole body felt like it had turned to cement.

Seeing her in person was much more intense than just catching a glimpse of the picture. Today she wore a deep red lipstick that just... wow. I slapped myself internally, _Jinsol you_ _cannot_ _just stare at her lips oh my god please stop._ I shut my eyes for a second for good measure. A piece of her hair had come loose from her ponytail and hung right next to her cheek, framing her face. I don’t know why but it was probably the most attractive thing I’d ever seen. My stomach was in knots.

Jungeun emerged from behind the counter, playfully glaring at Yerim, “My god, you’re going to make us all go deaf, are you crazy?” Oh no, I’d forgotten about her voice. For some reason it sounded like pure velvet to me. A chill went up my spine, and I moved my hands to grip the edge of my chair tightly, as if trying to prevent myself from just bolting out of the damn building.

Yerim squealed in glee and practically tackled Jungeun into a hug, who just rolled her eyes slightly and returned the embrace, “I literally saw you like, two hours ago.” Her snark was back full force. I had a feeling it was a pretty prominent part of her personality, and I wasn’t complaining. When Yerim finally let her go, Jungeun reached up and pinched at her cheek, “You’re so extra.”

“Yep!” Yerim agreed readily. It was only then that she seemed to remember me, “Oh! Jungeun, I’m here with my tutor Jinsol I told you about.”

My throat tightened. Told her about? She’d told Jungeun about me?? What had she said? Were they good things? Oh boy, if I hadn’t been nervous before, I was a wreck at this point.

“Oh?” I tried desperately to read her tone but I couldn’t. She sorta sounded... intrigued? Maybe? “The one who’s helping you actually pass history? I wouldn’t mind seeing a miracle worker in person, where is she?” She started to scan the shop and I frantically looked away from them, not wanting to seem as interested in the conversation as I really was.

“She’s the pretty blond over there, c’mon sit with us!” I pursed my lips, trying so hard to keep the blush from my cheeks as I heard the footsteps heading in my direction. In a desperate attempt to seem normal, I took out my phone and started to scroll through social media, but my hands were still a bit shaky.

“I’ve got like five minutes before my break’s over, so I can only stop for a hello.” Jungeun explained to a Yerim who didn’t quite seem to be listening. The enthusiastic girl grabbed a chair from another table and noisily dragged it to ours. The closer Jungeun got, the tighter my chest felt.

Finally, when she sat at my side I forced myself to set down my phone and actually look at her. _Ughhh how is she even prettier up close...?_ I thought to myself, finding myself almost annoyed at how gorgeous this girl was.

Yerim sat as well, bursting with excitement, “Jungeun, this is Jinsol - my tutor! Jinsol, Jungeun.”

Her gaze on me made my legs feel like jelly and I was really really glad I wasn’t standing up. For a second nothing was said, although her lips parted and she took in a breath. Her eyes narrowed and she got that same smirk she’d had when I’d stumbled over my words trying to order a week or so before.

“Actually, I think I know you.” Her tone was lower than normal and it made my stomach drop into my shoes. I managed a smile but I wasn’t quite ready to even try to talk, pretty convinced that anything I tried to say would just be broken up parts of speech and no actual sentences at this point.

“You know her already?? How?” Yerim seemed slightly disappointed that her big planned introduction didn’t have the impact she’d assumed, but I was _way_ too preoccupied with Jungeun being _right next to me_ to even start thinking about anything else.

Jungeun didn’t so much as glance at Yerim either, instead maintaining our intense eye contact. It felt like she was seeing right through me. Goddamn, her _eyes_. They had so much warmth and depth behind them, it felt like I was falling in. My smile was fading, I could tell but I could barely help it.

“I’ve seen her here before,” She provided a very brief, quiet explanation to Yerim without looking at her before leaning forward slightly on the table, closer to me. My heart felt like it had stopped beating, “You’re that girl who had a rough morning and needed caffeine. Right?”

She remembered me. How had she remembered me? Had I been that much of a mess that I stuck out? That must’ve been it, right? Or... was it something else?

I didn’t let my mind entertain the chance of her having been just as infatuated with me as I’d been with her. There was no way - _she’d_ been able to coherently speak to me, while _I’d_ been stammering out parts of words like an idiot the whole time.

I cleared my throat slightly, feeling like if I didn’t that my voice would break or something equally embarrassing, “Uh, yeah, that was me! Don’t you get um, get a lot of people like that in here?” I made more sense than I thought I would, so I gave myself credit.

She smiled a bit more, “I guess. Hard to forget your face, though.” She winked at me again.

I swear to god I almost fell out of my chair, but just barely kept that reaction at bay. Instead I laughed nervously and looked down at my phone, wondering if I was as red as I felt. What was she doing? Was she flirting with me?? What did that mean?? Was I just misinterpreting things? Reading into stuff? Why would I do that though? Did I _want_ her to be flirting with me?? _Oh my god Jinsol what are you getting yourself into._ I thought to myself, honestly feeling terrified.

Yerim giggled, “I’ve told most of my friends about you Jinsol, just cuz you’re such a good tutor. I’ve really been doing well in history, but they still tease me about having failed. Actually it’s usually just Jungeun who teases me, but that’s okay cuz I know she’s kidding!” She really was such a pure soul.

Jungeun chuckled under her breath too and it was one of the cutest sounds I’d ever heard in my whole life, “I can’t help it, you’re so easy to tease! I mean, c’mon Yerim I love you to pieces but sometimes you act like a little kid.” Her eyes finally moved from me so she could instead affectionately nudge Yerim’s arm.

Yerim sighed in slightly defeat, “Yeah I guess so. Maybe I should start teasing you back?”

Jungeun laughed, “You can try! What is it you’d tease me about?” That was a good question. From what I could tell, she seemed almost perfect.

Yerim also seemed a bit at a loss, “I’m sure I can think of something...”

Trying to assert myself into the conversation, I piped up cautiously, “I don’t really think you’re the teasing type, Yerim. Pretty sure you don’t have a mean bone in your body.” My voice was surprisingly steady, but it did waver when I noticed Jungeun’s eyes on me again in my peripheral vision.

“Agreed,” She said in her smooth voice, and I dared to look over at her. Her head was cocked slightly to the side and she was doing that thing again, where her eyes were slightly narrowed. Like she was trying to read me. I was worried what she’d see, “What about you, Jinsol? Can you get mean?” She leaned forward, closer to me again as she raised an eyebrow, “Can you tease?”

Oh my _god_ why did she lower her voice when she asked me that? Why did it make my heart feel like it was bursting out of my chest? Why was I reading into everything? Or was I even reading into it? Was I dreaming?

“Uh, um, yeah-- sorta. My roommate and I tease each other all the time.” I tucked my hands back beneath the table because they’d started quaking so violently it was noticeable.

Yerim spoke again, “Jinsol-unnie isn’t mean, she’s only ever been nice to me!”

I smiled at her fondly, “I think it’s pretty impossible for anyone to be mean to you. Unless you’re Jungeun.” I tried my best to have some sort of banter - to act how I would with someone I wasn’t so confusingly infatuated with.

The blond scoffed in disbelief, “Wow, okay, damn,” She looked at me as if in a new light, holding up her hands in mock-defense, “I am _not_ mean, I’m just too sarcastic for my own good. There is a distinct difference.” She insisted emphatically, tapping the table on the last two words.

“Hey, Jungeun, your break’s over - get back here.” The guy called over to her. A sizeable line was forming at the counter.

She looked over her shoulder, nodding at him before getting to her feet, “Well, I’ve gotta get to work. It was really nice to meet you, Jinsol.” She extended her dainty hand down to me and I took it, hoping she wouldn’t notice how hard I was trembling. Her skin was so soft it was nearly unreal, her grip somehow firm but gentle at the same time.

“Uh, yeah totally, um, really nice to meet you too.” I stammered out, feeling like my blush was getting worse and worse with every second I had those damn _eyes_ on me.

Yerim smiled broadly, “Bye Jungeun!! I’ll see you tomorrow, hopefully you’ll pass that math test!” She waved at the beautiful girl with both hands as she started to walk off.

Jungeun laughed to herself, “Uh, yeah, don’t count on it.” I couldn’t help but watch as she walked away, my jaw still slightly dropped open.

Yerim looked at me, trying to get my attention, “Jungeun’s pretty cool, she’s a year older than me but surprisingly she doesn’t hold that over my head! I had a feeling you two would hit it off, dunno why, just a vibe I was getting!”

I don’t know if I’d necessarily say we “hit it off,” but I definitely talked to her more than I thought I’d be able to, so I’d count that as a win. More than anything though, I just wanted to talk to her more. I wanted to find out things about her, hangout with her, be her friend... I just wanted to see her again.

And I was so scared as to why that was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you'd like to support me, feel free to do so on my kofi: https://ko-fi.com/loonagarbage  
> anything is greatly appreciated
> 
> you can also follow my twitter for writing updates and the like, https://twitter.com/loonagarbage


	3. Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinsol unintentionally enlists the help of Sooyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

After a brief little tutor session with Kahei, I was heading back to my room. I was gonna grab my wallet quick and head to the Roost in hopes that Jungeun would maybe be there. It’d only been a few days since that last encounter, but since then I hadn’t at all been able to get her off my mind. I still didn’t really understand why I couldn’t stop thinking about this girl, so I thought that maybe talking to her some more would help explain things. Maybe I just really really wanted to be her friend? Was it like, some platonic friend connection? Had we known each other in a past life or something?

Sooyoung emerged from our room, key in hand as she started to lock our door. She spotted me and paused mid-motion to call over, “See what I’m doing, Jinsol?? This is called ‘locking the door after I leave the room,’ I know it’s pretty hard but one day I really think you’ll be able to do it.” Wow her sarcasm was just off the charts today. It earned a smile from me, and she returned it.

“Shut up, oh my god.” I muttered under my breath once I’d reached her. I reached for my own keys to head into the room, but she grabbed my wrist and stopped me.

“Wait, come get lunch with me.” She pouted ever so slightly - she always did that whenever she asked for something. It was pretty damn effective.

“Um...” Although it had only been a plan within myself, I was pretty set on going to the Roost. I’d been thinking about Jungeun and her... winks. At the very least I just wanted to catch a glimpse of her behind the counter, “I was gonna go get a coffee at the Roost.”

She raised an eyebrow on me and put a hand on her hip gracefully, “The Roost?” Her tone was suspicious almost. I nodded slowly, “How come you keep going over there all the time? You always used to just get coffee at the cafeteria. What - is that not good enough for you anymore?”

Uh-oh. I hadn’t at all expected her to question this, and I also hadn’t at all prepared any sort of excuse or reason besides the truth. And nobody could know the real reason I’d become such a regular customer of the local café.

“Wha--? Uh, it’s just, I... want to um... support local businesses...” Of every lie I’d ever told in my life, that was probably hands-down the worst one. I could barely hold back cringing after I’d said it out loud, but I managed to keep a straight face.

She absolutely didn’t buy it, unsurprisingly. Her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed, suspicion reaching new levels now at my strange lies, “Jinsol what the hell? Why not just tell me? What’s the big secret?”

My lips were parted but I was too scared to say anything, knowing that there would just be more really poorly constructed lies if I tried to explain myself.

This just made her even more curious, “I don’t get it, aren’t we friends? Friends don’t have secrets.”

Okay now she was just guilting me. I glared slightly at her, “Oh c’mon. Don’t do that.”

She shrugged indifferently, “Then tell me why you’re so obsessed with the Roost.”

I started to sweat from this pressure, unable to maintain eye contact with her, “Because I want to support local businesses!” I tried and failed to solidify my initial claim but it really didn’t do me any good.

She rolled her eyes and stared at me harder, trying to draw the truth from me with her harsh gaze. It was almost working, Sooyoung was frighteningly good at interrogating people, “Alright, then lets go the Roost! We can ‘support our local businesses’ together.” She slid her own key back into the lock of our room and opened the door, “Get your wallet, we’re going.”

I was dumbstruck. She’d totally caught me in my own lie - what was I supposed to say to that? This obviously had ulterior motives of hopefully discovering the secret, and for the first time ever I actually hoped that Jungeun _wasn’t_ at the Roost. I hadn’t at all gotten good at hiding how much of an effect she had on me, and Sooyoung was way too intuitive not to notice something like that. If she asked me questions about Jungeun I genuinely wouldn’t know how to answer them.

Muttering a curse quietly under my breath, I complied and marched into our room, snatching my wallet from my desk. I could practically feel Sooyoung’s smug smirk without even looking at her.

***

The bell jangling above my head already made my stomach start doing backflips. The employees at the counter looked at the new entering customers, and I saw her again. She was there. Our eyes met, and a flash of recognition showed behind hers before she smiled more widely than I’d seen before. Her eyes sparkled like stars. My heart fluttered, and I returned the smile with a shy one before heading to a table by the window.

Sooyoung looked all over the café eagerly, trying to discover the true reason for my obsession with it. I prayed that I’d be able to hide my infatuation with Jungeun, just for even like ten minutes, so that Sooyoung wouldn’t detect it, but I didn’t really have much faith in myself.

“Well...” Sooyoung muttered curiously, “This _is_ in fact a local business.” She took out her small little pouch where she kept her money, refusing to just have a wallet like a normal person, “Are we going to order?”

_Oh boy._ For a second or two I genuinely wondered if there was a way to prevent us from having to order anything without her catching on what I was avoiding. I was not at all sly enough to do that, though, and with a slight sigh I more or less accepted the situation that I was in.

“Yeah, sure. C’mon.” I got to my feet, startled at how wobbly my legs felt already at just the thought of going to talk with Jungeun again.

That new girl was still there, looking just as inexperienced and shy as usual. The guy wasn’t working though, so it was Jungeun training her. When I walked up to the counter she totally seemed to forget what she’d been doing, instead focusing absolutely all of her attention on me.

“Jinsol!” She sounded excited. Happy. It felt like I was gonna pass out, “Need another caffeine boost, or did you just wanna visit me?”

Wow, way to see right through me. I wondered and hoped that was some sort of joke, but the truth behind the latter half of her question was enough to make my cheeks flush. Sooyoung was right over my shoulder and it was pretty damn obvious the connection that I had to this place. So much for even trying to be discrete.

I giggled unintentionally from nerves, grimacing internally at how much that sounded like a flustered school girl fawning over someone, “Uh, no, I am here solely as a customer.” I pointed at her in playful accusation, “Don’t flatter yourself.”

Jungeun chuckled too, “Alright, alright. What can I get you girls?” For the first time her gaze flitted to Sooyoung, almost as if she hadn’t even noticed her beforehand.

Sooyoung gently placed one of her hands upon my hip as she nudged me out of the way to step toward the counter, smoothly ordering an extremely fancy-sounding drink and some french-sounding pastry. Jungeun nodded along with the complex order, writing it down on a small notepad for good measure in handwriting that I somehow found gorgeous. It was half cursive, half not, and the letters were swooping and neat even when she was just jotting down things to remember. Then she looked toward me again.

“And for you?” She shot me a wink again that made me feel like I was melting, before adding on, “Lemme guess, a caramel cappuccino?”

“Yes please.” My voice was weak just like my knees. I clenched one of my fists that was out of view below the counter. Sooyoung shot me a look and I knew for sure that if I hadn’t been discovered before, it was totally out in the open now.

I shakily handed her my money, cursing myself over and over again for how much of a mess I so consistently was when she was around. She ripped off the piece of paper she’d written on and handed it to the nervous new girl who’d been puttering around with her back turned. She took it and briefly glanced to look at Sooyoung and I, only to pause and stare at my roommate. Confused, I looked at her too, only to see that she was intensely staring back with this glint to her eyes I’d never seen before.

Jungeun nudged the girl gently, “Jiwoo, c’mon. It’s slow right now, so I’m gonna let you make these two alright?”

The girl, Jiwoo, could barely seem to look away from Sooyoung. It seemed like it took conscious effort. I raised an eyebrow, realizing abruptly that Jiwoo was reminding me almost of how I would act around Jungeun. But I was probably just projecting.

Jiwoo took the paper and started to fiddle around with machines and ingredients, seeming a bit more familiar with how everything worked than when I’d last seen her. I heard the clicking of Sooyoung’s heels against wood as she headed back to our table, and after letting myself look at Jungeun just a bit longer, I followed.

I knew as soon as we sat down that I was about to get an earful, just from how absolutely smug she looked again. She intertwined her slender fingers and set her hands on the table.

I felt like I was about to either get interrogated or personally attacked. Or both. Or neither. It wasn’t easy to predict Sooyoung.

In my last attempts to feign confusion or ignorance, I put on a semi-believable questioning tone and asked, “What? Why’re you looking at me like that?”

She rested her head on her hand, eyes narrowing, that same smile not having faded in the slightest. Despite having sort of prepared for whatever it was she was going to say, there was no way I could’ve been ready for the next thing that was going to come out of her mouth.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?”

My jaw dropped and my eyes widened so far I was worried they were gonna pop straight out of my head. There was no way I would’ve been able to conceal my shock, there was absolutely no way.

“What??” I had lowered my voice to an incredulous whisper, not wanting anyone else to overhear this conversation, “What do you mean? I’m not!” Uh-oh. Why did I get this weird feeling in my chest when I said that? Wasn’t it true...?

Sooyoung rolled her eyes, “Oh please, Jinsol, how dumb do you think I am?” She pointed toward the counter with a perfectly manicured nail, “That blond. The comments, the winking, you turning into a bumbling mess - I’ve seen it a thousand times.” With the last comment, she looked back at the counter toward Jiwoo. I did as well, and was surprised to see the young girl staring back at us. Upon being spotted, she jumped - slightly startled, and knocked over a spoon that loudly clattered to the floor. She bent to pick it up and quickly went back to the task at hand.

I felt something starting to slowly absorb my shock and confusion and recognized it abruptly as denial. It was emerging as some sort of defense mechanism against Sooyoung’s accusations, and it was coming on strong - strong enough to finally swallow up my nerves, “Jungeun? What, you think I... _like_ her? No! I’ve just seen her around, she’s Yerim’s friend. You’re way off base.” Even I was taken aback at how convincing I sounded.

It didn’t so much as faze her though. She scoffed at me in disbelief, “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. It almost even seems like you believe it.” Before she had a chance to doubt me any further, our drinks were called from the counter by a still nervous Jiwoo. Sooyoung just smiled at me before getting to her feet. I followed, still experiencing my inner turmoil in full force.

Jiwoo cautiously edged Sooyoung’s order across the counter as well as shakily handing her the pastry. Sooyoung took it with a smile before heading back to our seat, and Jiwoo stared after her pretty blatantly. I was unsure if she was just nervous with directly serving customers, or if it was something particular about Sooyoung. I reached over and grabbed my cappuccino but stopped still when Jungeun spoke up.

“No, wait!” She darted over toward me and I literally felt my breath leave my lungs. I watched as she politely brushed Jiwoo to the side before moving and taking the cup from my hands. Her fingers brushed against mine and my heart swelled up so big I thought it might burst straight through my chest, “Hold on a sec.”

I just stood there, thrown into a frustratingly familiar Jungeun-induced stupor yet again. She turned around, grabbed some things, put something into my cup and then spun to place it atop the counter again. Oh boy.

She’d put the heart there, atop the foam. There hadn’t been one before when Jiwoo made it. She had gone out of her way to stop me before I could leave, grab my drink, and add that heart. Why had she done that? What did that mean? Why was I getting more butterflies than I’d ever gotten with any guy, and why did I get chills up my spine every time she looked at me?

Uh-oh. Maybe Sooyoung was right.

“Okay!” She added in a chipper tone, pushing the newly decorated drink toward me, “Sorry, didn’t want you leaving without this.” I was surprised when she didn’t wink, but instead just stared deeply at me.

I was absolutely speechless. Like, seriously. I couldn’t talk. I could barely manage a really faint smile before just nodding, taking my cup, and heading back to my seat. When I sat down, Sooyoung was looking at me expectantly, but I didn’t even care.

Was I seriously gay? Or maybe bi? No... I mean, I couldn’t ever remember feeling this strongly for any guy. And I didn’t even really know Jungeun yet, but she already turned me into a bumbling mess. That must mean something. Friends didn’t make me feel like this. Guys didn’t make me feel like this. So...

“Jinsol you look like you’re having an existential crisis.” Sooyoung told me, half-joking. When I finally looked at her instead of spacing out, lost in my own thoughts, I saw concern there. Empathy. She sighed lightly before reaching over, gently placing her hand atop mine. Somehow even that - the small, insignificant contact - was enough to almost make me want to cry. I was totally overwhelmed and I didn’t know what to do.

“I know it’s a lot,” She told me, speaking more quietly than she had been before, eyebrows knitted in a concerned furrow, “I guess I could’ve sprung this on you a bit more gracefully, I wasn’t really thinking.” The fact that she’d just willingly admitted a mistake was pretty notable, I’d never heard her do that before. She was a really proud person.

I took a deep, shaky breath before burying my face into my hands, grabbing at my skull tightly as if trying to stabilize all my bustling thoughts. This... really changed things, didn’t it? The more I thought, the more it made sense, but that was so scary. I wasn’t a big fan of change, and this was probably the most momentous one I’d ever gone through. My mind simply couldn’t process it all, so I tried and failed to stop thinking about this for even a few seconds.

Sooyoung spoke up again, this time with a bit more caution and tact, “Is she the first girl...?” Her politeness wasn’t enough to hide how curious she was. I just nodded slightly, not bringing my face from my hands yet. “Ah. That explains some of this, then.” She took a vaguely audible sip of her drink before adding on, “I was an absolute _wreck_ with my first girl crush.”

Immediately I brought my hands back to my lap and looked dead at her, taken aback yet again. I was just thinking she was really socially intuitive, not that she was speaking from experience.

“Huh?” I blurted out in surprise, “You’re...?” I wasn’t sure how to word the question, so nothing really came out. No pun intended.

She finished the inquiry on my behalf, “Gay?” She set down her cup, laughing lightly at my confusion, “Sweetie, I’m probably the gayest person you’ve ever met.”

This whole outing had taken such drastic turns I could barely keep up. I mean, I’d just naturally assumed Sooyoung was straight because... I dunno, it’s the default? She hadn’t expressed anything to make me think otherwise, never really mentioning crushes on girls. Sometimes we’d talk about exes for a bit, but their gender never came explicitly into question. Did she think that I knew? She was so nonchalant about telling me I could only assume so. Or maybe she was just too confident in her identity to even so much as flinch when informing people. Sooyoung definitely wasn’t the type to second guess herself.

I just took another deep breath, shaking my head back and forth slightly to express my disbelief. I don’t even think that Sooyoung had prepared for this little lunch date to go the way it had. I’d seen a lot of new sides to her in just these twenty or so minutes than I had in the month we’d been living together. This was a pretty... _unique_ way to bond, but it was effective nonetheless.

She smiled, her previously gained seriousness having faded altogether at this point, “Listen though, I know this is a lot to take in but you’re a catch, Jinsol!” My chest lightened at the unanticipated compliment, and the lack of the usual sarcastic intonation I would’ve expected from her, “New rule: I won’t let you leave this coffee shop until you get blondie’s number, at the _very_ least.”

I scoffed immediately at the mere notion of me doing something like that, but she crossed her arms to signify her adamance on the issue. My stomach dropped.

“Since when do you make rules?” I asked her, trying to find some sort of loophole, “There aren’t even any stakes, why should I just listen to you?”

I really shouldn’t have given her any ideas, because as soon as I pointed out that minor flaw in her plan, she reached across the table and snatched my phone from me, dangling it precariously over her drink that was still nearly full. If she dropped that, it’d be totally submerged.

I stood halfway out of my chair, but she held up her hand and I stopped mid-motion, “Ah ah ah, no sudden moves.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” I told her, half-smiling and half-glaring.

“Do you really want to test it?” With that I saw her grip loosen even more, only holding onto the phone from the very very edge. I held my breath. Yeah, phones could be replaced or whatever, but I didn’t have that kind of money - I was a college student.

She probably wouldn’t actually do it, and I knew that, but there was actually some weird sort of incentive emerging from this interaction. I glanced at the counter. Jungeun was adjusting the cap atop her head and loosening her ponytail while talking to Jiwoo in a low tone.

“I-I don’t even know how to ask...?” I found myself stuttering out a confession before I even thought it over in my head.

I felt my shoulders untense as she brought my phone back to her and gently tucked it into her jacket pocket, “Oh, is that the problem?” She said that like it was such a non-issue, when for me it was probably the biggest obstacle at hand, “Here, listen close okay?”

She stood up gracefully as usual, strutting toward the counter in a determined stride. Jungeun had stopped talking to Jiwoo and disappeared out of sight into the break room. The young girl was sweeping something when I heard Sooyoung speak up, though I strained slightly to hear over the ambient indie music playing through the speakers of the café.

“Excuse me,” She’d changed her tone. It was lower than normal. Jungeun did that with me once.

Jiwoo looked up at who she presumably thought was another customer and I saw her practically turn into a stone statue once she saw Sooyoung. Her cheeks grew rosy and her grip on the broom actually faltered for a second, though she managed to catch it before it clattered to the floor. At least I wasn’t _that_ much of a mess around Jungeun.

“Uh-- um, yes?” Not seeming to trust herself, she leaned the broom up against a nearby wall and slowly dared to approach the counter.

Sooyoung leaned over it slightly to get closer, and I strained greatly to hear what she said since she lowered her voice to a sultry whisper, “I couldn’t help but notice your staring.” Jiwoo turned so red I was worried she may pass out, but Sooyoung didn’t keep her hanging for long, “And I assume that you noticed mine.” There was a small notepad and pen left at the counter for taking orders, and I watched in sheer awe as Sooyoung smoothly reached toward it and placed it in front of the stunned Jiwoo, “I definitely wouldn’t mind seeing you in something besides that uniform. How about you give me your number? Feel free to shut me down, if I’m absolutely out of line.”

Jiwoo’s jaw had literally dropped, and she nervously started to fiddle with her slightly curled bangs. If the roles had been reversed, and Jungeun had been talking to me like that, I would’ve collapsed, so I was already mentally applauding Jiwoo for being this composed.

After a solid four or five seconds of silence, Jiwoo seemed to actually process that Sooyoung had a made a request and jolted back to reality, “Oh! I-- erm, no no, you’re... not out of line... uh, here,” A trembling hand picked up the pen and jotted something down on the notepad, carefully tearing off the paper and pushing it toward Sooyoung, “That’s it. Uh, I-I don’t work on weekends, or Thursday...” Her voice broke slightly on the last word. It was endearing. Maybe Jungeun thought I was endearing when I was a mess, too.

Sooyoung daintily folded up the already small piece of paper and tucked it away into her pocket, “Oh, well then our schedules coincide quite nicely. Maybe it’s fate.” I could practically feel her wink without seeing it, “I’m Sooyoung, by the way. Expect a text from me, Jiwoo.” The younger girl flinched when Sooyoung actually said her name, and watched as my roommate smoothly returned to our table.

Honestly I think Jiwoo and I were equally as shocked with how that interaction went.

“That was like...” My amazement showed in my voice, “...watching art, or something.” My words were clunky and didn’t do the situation justice. I hoped that wasn’t foreshadowing of how _my_ attempt would go, but I already had a strong sense of dread.

Sooyoung flipped her hair in an exaggerated motion, “What can I say? It’s all about confidence.”

I frowned, “I used to _think_ I was confident, but when I’m around Jungeun I forget how to even talk.”

Sooyoung nodded in understanding, “I’ve been there. The first one is always the hardest. I’ll let you in on a secret:” She leaned forward, as if the information she was about to disclose was genuinely confidential, and I found myself doing the same, “Sometimes, it’s just an act. Even if you _pretend_ like you’re confident, people can’t tell the difference. And the more you act, the easier it gets, until you actually are confident doing it. That’s what I did anyway.”

I stared at her in disbelief mixed with some sort of admiration, “Jesus, Sooyoung, how many girls’ numbers have you asked for?”

She laughed airily, “More than I’m willing to admit.” She took another sip of her drink, adding on smugly, “And I got a solid eighty percent of them.”

I rolled my eyes before letting myself glance back toward the counter. The guy who had been training Jiwoo last time had shown up, adjusting his apron and putting on his cap Abruptly, Jungeun emerged from the break room in casual clothes. Oh jeez. I’d never seen her without her uniform.

It was seriously nothing special, just a hoodie and a short black skirt, but for some reason it shook me to my core to see her like that. She’d also taken her hair down, and the way that it fell around her shoulders was absolutely entrancing to me. The butterflies had returned in full force, and they only intensified when Jungeun scanned the café, spotted me, smiled broadly and made her way over.

I couldn’t panic visibly, she’d see. All I could do was shoot a frantic glance at Sooyoung, which she thankfully caught. Her brow furrowed and she looked over, smiling in devilish anticipation as Jungeun got closer and closer.

“Hey!” She said, sounding so genuinely happy it caught me a bit off guard. She didn’t pull a chair up to the table this time, instead just standing at our side, “I just got off work, I have an appointment to run to.” She held her phone loosely in one of her hands, and she hadn’t so much as glanced at Sooyoung or acknowledged her existence - eyes strictly remaining on me, “It’s cool to see you here again, I guess we must be doing something right since you seem to be a bit of a regular now.” 

Sooyoung kicked my leg slightly beneath the table, trying to get me to say something, and surprisingly it worked, “Uh-- yeah! It’s near campus, and you guys make good coffee.” That wasn’t quite what Sooyoung had wanted me to respond with. I could tell by the way she subtly facepalmed.

Jungeun just smiled softly at me, “Hey, I’m the heart and soul of this place - so if you like it here, you have me to thank.”

“Good to see it keeps you humble.” I managed to banter back at her, startling even myself. Sooyoung slowly removed her hand from her face. I guess I was sort of taking the advice - trying to _act_ confident even if I didn’t actually feel it.

Jungeun chuckled slightly, “What can I say, I’ve never really been the most modest person.” She mindlessly twirled a strand of her blond hair and my heart skipped a beat. She briefly turned on her phone’s screen to check the time, “Damn, I really have to run though. Sorry we didn’t have much of a chance to talk.” She sounded genuinely disappointed.

I knew I could only maintain this ruse of composure for so long, so a part of me was glad she was leaving, “No worries, I’m sure you’ll see me in here again.”

She frowned slightly and her lips parted, as if to say something, but she closed them. I thought she was going to head out, and she even took a step toward the door, but she changed her mind.

“Actually, Jinsol would you mind giving me your number?”

Sooyoung kicked me hard under the table and it made me jolt slightly in my seat, but I managed to play it off like I was just adjusting my position in the chair. My heart was in my throat and I was worried that it’d make my voice falter. Although I somehow kept my words steady, the blush that was creeping up my neck wasn’t something I could control. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice.

“Uh, yeah, sure!” She smiled again and handed me her phone, unlocked, with a blank contact to fill in with my information. My fingers were trembling so hard that I had to type in my number three separate times to get it right.

She prefaced a bit while I struggled, “Yerim just keeps talking you up all the time, and you seem cool. Believe it or not, I get sick of this place so I’m sort of looking for another job, and it’d be lame if we stopped bumping into each other, yaknow?” For the first time since I’d met her, _she_ actually seemed sort of nervous. It hadn’t nearly reached my level of stuttering and floundering, but she talked a bit faster than normal and she kept shifting her weight from foot to foot subtly.

I nodded along with the explanation, finally inputting my correct number and handing her phone back to her. She tucked it into the pocket of her hoodie.

“Totally, it would suck to lose touch.” I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I seriously cannot even begin to express how validating it was to hear that - at least to some extent - she liked running into me too.

She let out a breath it seemed like she’d been holding in, “Yeah definitely... I do have to go now, though--” Jungeun’s gaze finally drifted from me and to Sooyoung, “--Hi, by the way! I’m Jungeun.” She extended her hand, which Sooyoung shook.

“Sooyoung, Jinsol’s roommate. Love the skirt.”

“Thanks!” She was already heading out the door, “I’ll text you, Jinsol!” I watched as she headed out and quickly walked past the window before leaving our sight.

I sank further into my chair, wondering if that had seriously just happened.

Sooyoung retrieved my phone from her pocket and placed it on the table in front of me, “You just got _extremely_ lucky.”


	4. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinsol attends Yerim's birthday party and meets her lively friends, as well as getting a chance to talk to a certain barista outside the café.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

When I got that first text from her, I squealed in excitement as I was walking around campus. It wasn’t nearly as intense as a Yerim-squeal, but I did get a look or two from passersby. I didn’t even care.

It was small, really just a way for me to get her name into my phone, but it sent me reeling nonetheless.

_Unknown number: hey, it’s jungeun *peace sign emoji*_

I quickly added her contact and hesitated when I was inputting her name. It was too early to add any sorts of hearts to it, right? Yeah. Probably. For a few fleeting seconds I tried to channel my inner Sooyoung. She wouldn’t even flinch about putting hearts, because she wouldn’t care if people knew she liked a girl.

I wasn’t quite there yet, though. Instead, I just added a coffee cup emoji and texted her back, letting her know she had the right number.

Over the next week or so we texted on and off semi-regularly. I gave her a unique text tone just so I knew which times I should freak out when my phone buzzed. Sooyoung started to recognize it too, and had pretty adamantly started to refer to Jungeun simply as “blondie.” Sometimes she’d ask how things were going and I’d get nervous, since there honestly wasn’t much progress in the friendship besides asking one another about our days. She kept telling me to flirt more, but I just didn’t have it in me. Even when I couldn’t actually see Jungeun in person, knowing she was on the other side of that phone was enough to make me nervous all on its own.

I hadn’t mentioned a word of this to Haseul, which was pretty out of character for me. Sometimes I’d try, but it was like everything just got caught in my throat. I think it was a mix of still not being 100% certain of my identity, as well as not feeling ready to reveal it to the world yet. I was quite comfortable with just Sooyoung knowing about my infatuation with Jungeun. The only bad part was that I sort of felt like I was lying to Haseul, or keeping a secret from her, which she never would even think of doing to me.

One day I was having a study session with Haseul and Kahei, who I’d introduced a while back. I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box to be completely honest, so I needed a little help in more subjects than one. Haseul was much better than me with math, and Kahei understood science, so we’d started getting together as a trio to study and for them to casually tutor me. Kahei and Haseul seemed to hit it off, and Hasuel’s mom instincts kicked in full force once she learned that Kahei was from China and was still adjusting to the new culture. Sometimes I’d see them around campus without me, Haseul talking up a storm, probably trying to teach her stuff or help her with anything confusing.

I was helping Kahei prepare for a test by flashing her the color coded flash cards she’d meticulously made when my phone buzzed with Jungeun’s signature text tone.

Normally whenever I’d help them out like this I was fully focused and nothing would distract me. So it was pretty damn obvious when I frantically put down all the cards, interrupted Kahei mid-sentence, and snatched up my phone that something was up.

“Whoa there, are you expecting something important?” Haseul asked me, setting down her pen. She’d already adopted her mom-tone.

I barely even registered what she said, too busy scanning the text. It was one of the longest she’d ever sent me, so it warranted at least two reads to process it all.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: hey, was wondering if yerim had accosted you yet about her birthday party. If not, i’d get ready for a really enthused phone call bc she mentioned inviting you. feel free not to go, i mean it’s just gonna be a bunch of high school kids goofing off. you’ll know yerim and that’s basically it so it may be awkward - i figured i’d do you a solid and let you know before you get too flooded with positivity and excitement to say no_

“Jinsol?” Kahei spoke up, confused. I finally looked up from the message at the two of them. We were in my room, Haseul was sitting on the floor surrounded by papers and books and Kahei was at my desk while I sat on my bed. Sooyoung had left for some reason she didn’t share, “Is everything okay?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Nothing bad,” As I spouted out reassurances I quickly texted out a response: the only question that seemed to be at hand after reading all that.

_are you going?_

I paused, contemplating for a few extra seconds. Was that too obvious that I’d only go if she went? I edited it out of worry.

_she hasn’t called me yet, but thanks for the heads up! I might not be able to make it because i’m swamped with school stuff, are you thinking about going?_

“Who’re you texting?” Kahei asked with an innocent curiosity. I met her eyes for a second, wondering if I should lie. I could feel Haseul staring at me too.

“Uh, just a friend. I might be going to a birthday party but I’m not sure.” That wasn’t necessarily a lie. I was just omitting certain information.

Haseul picked up her pen again, “Whose party? Yerim’s?” 

I nodded, “Yeah, if I get a call it’s gonna be from her.” I’d learned pretty quickly that Yerim was much more of a caller than a texter. I guess she didn’t think that her enthusiasm could be properly conveyed through text alone. I picked up Kahei’s cards again and held them up for her.

Before she could start to answer the question written there, Haseul spoke up nonchalantly, “Did I ever mention Yerim and Yeojin are friends?” Yeojin was her little sister. She’d definitely failed to mention that.

“No, that’s cool! I wonder if she’d be at the party.” I was actually not too interested in our conversation because my mind was constantly wondering what Jungeun would respond with.

Haseul nodded, jotting something down, “I think so, they’re like best friends. Yerim actually comes over a lot. God, she and Yeojin together just turn the whole house into bubbly chaos.” I was getting tired from just picturing those two balls of energy together.

Kahei frowned slightly, “Yerim is that girl you tutor?”

Realizing she was totally out of the loop, I started to fill her in, “Yeah, and Yeojin is Haseul’s sister. I’ve been hanging out with Yerim lately, so she’s probably gonna invite me to her party. It’s just gonna be a bunch of highschool girls who I don’t even know though, so I’m sort of hesitant to accept the invite.”

Haseul set her pen down again to focus more on me, “I think you should go! So what if they’re highschool kids, so were we like a year ago,” She had her unique though familiar mom-advice-tone, “You could use some more friends in the area! It never hurts to have friends. The last thing you want to be is isolated.”

I pouted slightly, “I have friends! You guys, and Sooyoung, and Yerim is my friend now! That’s like, a solid four friends. How many more could I possibly need?”

Haseul put on a playfully stern look that actually sort of reminded me of how my real mom would look at me sometimes, “Is it because you’re nervous? Wow Jinsol, I didn’t know you were scared of a bunch of highschool girls.”

I scoffed at her dismissively, but when I thought about it for a second, yeah, I was nervous. I was never really good at talking to strangers - coming to college showed me just how shy I was around anyone I didn’t know. It was a miracle I’d even managed to befriend Haseul.

As always, she read me like a book, “Would you feel better if I came too?” I looked at her with a raised eyebrow, and she elaborated, “C’mon, you really think Yerim would say no if I asked to come? Pretty sure that girl hasn’t said no to anyone or anything in her whole life.” That was a good point.

If Haseul was there, I _would_ feel a bit more secure. But none of this was even relevant because my primary concern was whether or not Jungeun was going.

Speak of the devil, before I could respond my phone buzzed with that same tone. I snatched it up again, the flashcards completely forgotten for a second time.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: i’m not sure, my work schedule for tomorrow is sorta up in the air cuz one of our workers just quit and this new girl isn’t coming in either cuz of the party. so i may or may not have to work_

I was deeply dissatisfied with the uncertainty of her answer, but before I had time to stew over that, my phone started to ring while it was still in my hand. A selfie that I’d taken with Yerim now covered the screen as my palm vibrated.

I held up a finger, indicating to just give me a sec as I answered the call. Kahei politely reached over and pulled the pile of flashcards from my lap, instead handing them to Haseul.

“Hel--” My attempt at a greeting was totally cut off by a high-pitched shriek.

“-- _Jinsollieee!_ ” I held the phone slightly away from my ear. Haseul and Kahei even heard the noise, looking over at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Hi Yerim!” I put a chipper inflection on my voice in an attempt to slightly match her level of enthusiasm.

“Oh my gosh, Jinsol!! My birthday is soon, did you know that?? It’s okay if you didn’t, I don’t think I’ve mentioned my birthday before so it’s not like I’d expect you to know, but yes! Birthday! I’m gonna be sixteen! That’s like a big deal to some people right? I dunno, I’m just excited for presents and cake and friends and stuff.” She talked just as fast over the phone.

The hardest part about it was trying to pick which parts to respond to, “I think I heard you say something about that a week or so ago, and yeah sixteen is a pretty big one!” Haseul was already better than me at helping Kahei with the cards. I wasn’t surprised.

I heard Yermi do her signature exaggerated gasp, even over the phone, “But that’s not why I’m calling! Sorry, I got distracted, and I was thinking about sending this to you as like a physical piece of paper but then I realized I wasn’t sure how mail works when you’re at college and like, in a dorm, so I should just do it over the phone!”

Realizing I had to put her back onto the right track or she could ramble on forever, I spoke up and slightly over her, “What is it you called for then?”

“Oh, right! Jinsol will you come to my birthday party??”

I opened my mouth to respond, glancing over at the preoccupied Haseul and considering my options. It was pretty obvious that Yerim really wanted me to go, and I never wanted to disappoint her. The only real thing preventing me was my mild anxiety about interacting with strangers, but Haseul had said she’d come with me.

Yerim started to ramble during my pause of consideration, “It’s gonna be so fun, I swear you’ll have fun! My school friends will be there and they’re all so great, Jinsol you’ll love my friends, there’ll be cake and games and fun, and I think I’m gonna get streamers and all sorts of decorations, and balloons!!! Jinsol I absolutely love balloons, what’s your favorite color?? I could get you a balloon that’s your favorite color, and--”

“-- _wait_ , Yerim, hold on a sec,” I definitely needed to stop her, she was going on one of her tangents, “I just have one question, and feel free to say no if I’m imposing,” Surprisingly she stopped talking just to listen, “I was wondering if my friend Haseul might also be able to come? She says that she knows you, and--”

“ _Haseul???_ ” She gasped a second time, “Haseul wants to come to _my_ party?? That’s so cool! Yes, absolutely, yes yes yes Haseul can come!! Are you with her right now? Tell her I say hi! Yeojin’s gonna be here too, do you know Yeojin??”

I took my chance to get a word in during one of the slim gaps between her conjoined sentences, “Yes, I know Yeojin and yes I’m with Haseul!” Haseul paused with helping Kahei for a second to look at me and nod, “She’d love to come. When is it?” 

She gave me the date and the time, talked quite a lot more about nothing in particular, and finally let me get off the phone. I let out a long breath, something that I tended to do after a call with Yerim.

Kahei looked at me expectantly, “She talks a lot, huh?” She’d finished with her cards at some point during my one-sided conversation.

I laughed lightly, “Yes, she definitely does.” Even though over the phone it was hard to respond to her, you always left interactions with Yerim feeling lighter and happier than you had when you went into them.

Haseul started closing up her books and tucking her pens away into a pouch, “Text me with the time and stuff, I’ll definitely be coming with you! Yeojin might think I’ll cramp her style but she can deal with it.” She got to her feet and caught me in a quick hug, “I’ve gotta run, help Kahei study okay?”

I did just that, actually able to focus now since Jungeun didn’t text again.

***

“Do you think she’ll like it?” I asked nervously for what must’ve been the twentieth time in our ten minute car ride. I held a small box on my lap and I kept fiddling with its edges.

Haseul sighed lightly, humoring me and repeated the same answer she’d been spouting out every time, “Yerim isn’t hard to please. And it’s a cute little gift, she probably didn’t even expect you to get her anything.” She turned onto a nice looking residential street, with pretty two story houses and nicely maintained lawns. I spotted a batch of purple balloons attached to one of the porches a ways down the road. That must’ve been it.

“Yerim loves anything sweet! God Jinsol I didn’t know you were such a worrier.” Yeojin piped up from the back seat in her squeaky voice.

“I dunno, I’m just paranoid I guess...” I muttered, my chest still mildly tight.

Since I wasn’t sure what it was that Yerim would want, I got her a bunch of cupcakes with small hand-made frosting flowers on top of them. Who doesn’t like cupcakes? I’d also gotten her a card with a semi-sentimental note written inside it, nothing too sappy, but something she’d definitely appreciate.

I held my breath as Haseul pulled up and parked on the street right in front of Yerim’s house. She turned off the engine and tucked her keys into her pocket before looking at me.

“Really, Jinsol, you don’t have to be this nervous! You know Yerim and you know us, so it’s not like you’re going to be socially stranded or anything.” She got distracted when Yeojin lunged out of the car before both of us and rushed toward the porch, “Yeojin-ah, wait for us, jeez...” She quickly got out to follow her, that same protective older sister complex emerging.

I got out as well, tightening my grip on the small pastry box as we all headed up the front steps. I could already hear a ton of chatter and raised voices.

Not even having a chance to prepare myself, Yeojin reached the door before Haseul and I and threw it open without so much as a knock. Haseul grumbled something under her breath about manners, quickening her pace to catch up to her younger sister. I lagged behind slightly still, frustrated at the fact that I was still so nervous.

As soon as I set foot inside the house, though, most of those nerves drained straight out of me.

We walked into a rather open first floor, all of the rooms separated by large archways. Most of the windows were open as well, allowing for a refreshing breeze to blow throughout the whole house. Just from where I was standing I could see nearly everyone at the party, and most were all looking right back at the three of us who’d entered.

I spotted Yerim pretty quickly, since she did that usual exaggerated gasp and ran straight over. She engulfed Yeojin into a tight hug, even picking her up slightly off the ground as the two spun in a circle. Some of the others approached us too. They were wearing various different colored party hats, one girl even had streamers interlaced into her braid. I had a feeling Yerim was responsible for that.

I was taken aback as I realized that I recognized another one of the guests - it was Jiwoo, from the Roost. She looked pretty different when she was out of uniform.

Yerim hugged Haseul and I too, and I had to quickly maneuver my box of cupcakes out of her way so she didn’t crush them in her affection spree. I clumsily returned the embrace with one arm, watching as more and more of the other guests started to come over at all the commotion.

Yerim pulled away, “Oh my gosh I’m so glad you guys came!! Oh!” She spotted the present I still held and quickly grabbed it from me, setting it down on a nearby table and hugging me for a second time in thanks, “You’re so sweet!! You didn’t have to bring anything, didn’t I tell you that?”

I just smiled, “It’s your birthday, of course I’m gonna get you something.” I shrugged earnestly, the nerves starting to come back once I remembered how uncertain I’d been about the gift, “It’s nothing big anyways.”

Yerim only seemed to realize then that a bit of a crowd had gathered, presumably because none of them knew who I was. Even Jiwoo never really learned my name, she’d just seen me with Sooyoung, and she may not even remember that.

Taking on her role of the host, she proceeded to enthusiastically introduce all of her friends as I struggled to keep up and actually remember names - something I was unfortunately not the best at.

“Some introductions are in order!! Wow this is so exciting, it’s like worlds colliding!” I just shook my head back and forth slightly at how low the bar was set for Yerim to get genuinely excited.

The first girl introduced was the one with the streamers in her braid. Although not nearly as chipper as Yerim (was that even possible?) she had a really bright and inviting smile that made me feel even more welcome than before, “This is Heejin! She’s super duper nice and fun and it’s impossible not to like her!” Heejin didn’t even flinch at the glowing praise, probably having gotten used to it by then. She daintily waved at me, and I waved very slightly back.

Yerim proceeded to the next girl whose blonde hair made her stand out from the others a bit more. A turquoise party hat was askew atop her head, “This is Chaewon, we just call her Chae most of the time though, I don’t think I’ve actually called her Chaewon in like five years, she’s blond like you so I think you’ll be the best of friends!” I think she was joking about out presumed connection because of our hair color, but she sounded pretty serious.

Despite already knowing Jiwoo’s name, I decided not to bring it up as I was introduced, “This is Jiwoo, she works at the Roost now too, she lives down the street, I’ve known her forever, and she’s a ray of sunshine and joy!” It was true, Jiwoo looked happier than I’d ever seen her. She was smiling widely at me, and the change out of her usual bland uniform really helped to emphasize her bright personality. You could definitely tell that she was in her natural habitat here, and that she’d known all these girls for a long time.

Jiwoo did pause for a second, though, and I saw something flash behind her eyes as her broad smile faltered slightly, “Oh, yeah - I’ve seen you before. At the Roost, are you there a lot?” Her eyes narrowed, clearly trying to discern why I stood out. I made a note to maybe name drop Sooyoung later to help jog her memory, but decided against doing it with a crowd.

“Yeah, nowadays!” She nodded at the confirmation but her confusion didn’t seem to be fully satisfied.

Yerim didn’t give us a chance to talk any longer anyway, since she went straight up to the next girl. Her hair was exceptionally dark, as was some of her makeup. Despite Chaewon being a blond, this girl stood out slightly as well due to the contrast of her style: she wore darker, almost gothic clothes, and she seemed a bit more hesitant to smile at me. When Yerim gently grabbed onto her arm, though, she finally earned a smirk from her, “This is Hyejoo! Don’t let her tough outside scare you off because she’s a softie on the inside, I swear!”

Hyejoo rolled her eyes slightly, actively trying to suppress her smile as she halfheartedly shrugged away Yerim’s grip. Although she was trying to disprove Yerim’s assertion with her actions, her cheeks were lighting with a blush, so whatever impression of toughness she was trying to convey was sort of downplayed.

The last girl had her arms crossed, and she playfully tapped her foot as if impatient. Before Yerim even had a chance to speak up, she did, “Wow Yerim, way to introduce me last.” Sarcasm dripped from her words.

Yerim just giggled, “Last but _certainly_ not least is Hyunjin! She teases me a lot, kinda like Jungeun, but it’s okay cuz I love her.” Hyunjin smiled slightly, reaching up and pinching Yerim’s cheek affectionately. Jungeun had also done that once.

Yerim finally walked back toward me and clasped my hand, “And everyone, this is Jinsol!”

A few of them nodded in understanding, as if having absolutely no clue beforehand as to who I was. I guess Yerim hadn’t prefaced it. The nerves were coming back a little bit.

“The tutor?” Hyejoo spoke up in a deep voice, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow at me, “That’s sweet of you to come to the party, didn’t know tutors did that.”

“No no, she’s also my friend!” Yerim explained to a seemingly unconvinced Hyejoo.

Yeojin blurted something out abruptly, her high pitch always managing to startle me a bit whenever she started talking, “And for those who don’t know, this is my big sister Haseul.” She stated that with playfully exaggerated distaste. Haseul, who’d been standing silently at my side since we’d entered, simply waved politely at everyone.

Chaewon’s bright eyes widened slightly, “Wow, you two look so similar! Are your personalities alike too?”

Haseul scoffed at the suggestion, “Absolutely not.” Yeojin glared at her sister, who just ruffled her hair playfully, the younger girl squirming away in protest.

Heejin spoke for the first time as well, “It’s nice to meet you guys, but hey Yerim - do you know if Jungeun is coming?” That was the question that’d been on my mind all day too, but I’d decided against texting to ask for fear of sounding needy. Heejin added on another comment, “She owes me 5000 won.”

Hyunjin walked over to her and slid a hand around her waist, “For what?”

Heejin leaned slightly into the gesture, “I bet that dude from the Roost would hit on her.”

My stomach abruptly dropped and I felt my smile immediately slide from my face. My chest started to tighten so much it nearly hurt. She’d been hit on? I wasn’t sure why I was so surprised, I mean of course she got hit on - anyone with eyes would hit on her. That wasn’t what was bothering me. I was just terrified that she’d said yes.

Jiwoo gasped “No way! Mingyu hit on her?? He’s so shy!”

Heejin nodded triumphantly, “Yep. I knew he would. She told me about it yesterday and she owes me that money, one way or another.”

Yerim spoke as well, “He’s a cutie! Did she say yes?”

_Did she say yes??_ I repeated the question more fervently in my head, unable to say it out loud because it felt like my throat had totally closed up.

Heejin shrugged, “She didn’t mention that part. Maybe. Don’t care - she just better get me that won or I’ll hunt her down. Is she coming or not?”

The lack of confirmation made my stomach tie in knots. _Did she say yes?_ I just kept asking it over and over again to myself, wondering hopelessly. _Can I ask her? Should I ask her? Why do you_ _care_ _so damn much, Jinsol?_ I interrogated myself relentlessly.

Yerim pouted, “I don’t know, she said she’d text me this morning when she found out her schedule but she must’ve forgot. It’s okay though! She’s a busy bee.”

Jiwoo frowned slightly, “If she is working it’s sorta my fault, I called in fake sick so I could come here.”

Hyejoo gasped, feigning shock, “Wow Jiwoo-yah, I didn’t know you could be so rebellious. Excuse me while I call the police.” She smoothly pulled her phone from the pocket of her worn out bomber jacket and started to leave the room. Jiwoo seemed a bit nervous as to what her plan was and actually followed her adorably out of fear.

I jumped slightly when I felt Haseul gently clasp my hand, Yerim having let me go to jump further into the conversation the rest of the newly introduced girls were having. It was harder for me to keep up, especially after Yeojin joined in with her seemingly permanent shouting.

“Doing okay?” Her mom-concern was deeply comforting and appreciated as per usual, “That was a lot of introducing.”

I nodded at her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze, “Yeah, everyone seems nice. I just hope I can actually remember the names.” The questions about Jungeun’s admirer lingered in my head but there was no real way to answer them, so I did my best to preoccupy myself.

I stuck to Haseul’s side for the majority of the party, but that didn’t prevent some of the girls from individually coming up to me and starting a conversation. Chaewon talked to me for a solid twenty minutes about what I use to dye my hair, and if I thought that she should go back to her original color. She made sure to preface all her questions with “you’re like the prettiest person I’ve ever seen,” which was quite the pleasant, unexpected ego-booster.

Heejin and Hyunjin were way too preoccupied goofing off with one another to pay even the slightest amount of attention to me. They must’ve been really good friends because their banter was absolutely seamless, and they seemed like they were constantly having fun. It was pretty entertaining just to watch honestly, for instance when Hyunjin threw a pillow full-force at Heejin’s face, who then proceeded to chase Hyunjin around the whole house for five minutes straight before tackling her to the floor, or when Heejin tied party hats to her hands and repeatedly poked Hyunjin’s arm until she grabbed one of them and threw it out the window.

Hyejoo stuck mostly to herself, seeming almost like she was in a bit of a bad mood. I found myself unbearably curious about why that may be, and did my very best to conjure some sort of social sleuthing skills to detect the reason but was unsuccessful. She wasn’t a total stone wall - she’d talk if someone spoke to her first, and she’d quietly chuckle if something ridiculous happened. Besides that, though, she’d just scroll absentmindedly through her phone. The only potential source for her behavior that I could even start to assume was that I’d sometimes catch her glancing at Chaewon. When Chae was talking to me, it was pretty hard not to notice the continuous looking over.

Eventually Yeojin chased Yerim upstairs, and like three seconds later there was some type of loud clatter. Haseul’s mom instincts kicked in, and she excused herself from being my chaperone and instead went to babysit her sister, leaving me alone for the first time.

As soon as I was by myself, Jiwoo seemed to gravitate to sit at my side at the table I’d been taking residence at for most of the party. She slid into a chair, tucking both of her small hands into her lap, already talking in a hushed tone.

“Hey, I remembered where I’d seen you from: you were with Sooyoung at the Roost like a month or so ago, right?” She sounded dreadfully nervous.

I wondered how that little number exchange had gone: had the two ever actually met up? Had Sooyoung even bothered to text her? Was it really just a demonstration for my benefit? If so that was kinda cruel, since Jiwoo seemed genuinely interested. Sooyoung hadn’t mentioned it to me since it happened, and I’d forgotten to ask

“Yeah, she’s my roommate. Why?” I did my best to make my voice comforting, trying to summon my inner Haseul so as not to make this poor girl any more worried than she already seemed to be.

“Your roommate? Okay, then you know stuff about her, right?”

That was an odd way to word it, but I humored her, “We live together, so yeah I’d say I know at least two whole things about her.”

She leaned closer to me, her voice still only slightly louder than a whisper, “Do you know what sorts of things she likes? I mean, hypothetically, if you were gonna get her a present or something, what would it be?” The genuine intrigue and desperation in her tone was one of the sweetest things I’d ever heard. It was even more endearing that she was trying to conceal her true intentions and doing it so poorly.

I leaned back in my chair, putting in real effort into my thinking because I actually wanted to help her, “Hmm... I think I’d get her some kind of jewelry. Nothing too fancy, she’s not the type for that, but more than anything she’d appreciate the gesture.” I shot her a wink, “Hypothetically.”

Jiwoo nodded along with every word, actively absorbing the information. It was only then that her expression of inquisitiveness faded slightly and was replaced by something I couldn’t really discern. She opened her mouth as if to say something else, but then closed it and pursed her lips to reconsider.

“What is it? Another hypothetical?” I gently prodded at her, not wanting her to think she couldn’t talk to me.

What she slowly managed out wasn’t at all what I’d expected, though. “Is Sooyoung using me?”

Whoa. Where did that come from? I couldn’t even hide my surprise from my face, though she didn’t seem to care that I was so taken aback. Sure, I knew Sooyoung pretty well at this point, but I didn’t know her enough to actually have any sort of insight into her romantic relationships. So in all honesty, I had no idea if Sooyoung was using Jiwoo. I didn’t know what Jiwoo would classify as “using,” or if Sooyoung’s definition was different, or what. I didn’t know the intricacies of the relationship, or if there even was a relationship, or what was going on.

“Um...” I had to be really careful here. I guess the only real way to do that was to be honest, or find out more about the situation, “What makes you think that...?” I made my voice as slow and understanding as I could. Now she really had me curious.

She took a deep, slightly shaky breath, “I... I dunno, it’s just...” She couldn’t seem to look at me anymore, and her cheeks were getting flushed, “I don’t get why someone like her would ever even give me the time of day, I guess...? And, like... she could get anyone she wants. We’ve only hung out a couple times, and I just... have a feeling she’s seeing someone else too?”

I was totally overwhelmed by all of this and I had no clue what to tell her. I more or less just sat there, stunned, trying and failing to think of anything to reassure her with that wasn’t entirely made up just for her sake.

She quickly added something else on for clarification, “I-it’s not like we talked about being exclusive or anything, or even if we’re like... an item, or whatever, but... I just don’t know what her intentions are.” 

_I don’t either..._ I thought to myself nervously.

Despite being at a bit of a loss, I really did want to help her somehow. So I wracked my brain for any sort of hint I could’ve caught from Sooyoung about her mentioning another girl. She never told me where she was going when she left the room later at night - I knew she had friends besides me, so I’d always assumed she was just going to hangout with them. Looking back though, it was just as plausible that she was going on some sort of date. Were all of those with Jiwoo? I couldn’t be sure.

I sighed lightly, “I wish I had more answers for you, but a lot about Sooyoung is a mystery to me too.”

She frowned bitterly, fiddling with her bangs and looking away from me again. Clearly my answer, or lack thereof, wasn’t at all what she’d wanted to hear, “Yeah, I get that... it’s okay, I’m probably being paranoid.” She said that, though it didn’t at all seem to make her feel any better.

“Hey,” I spoke up softly, “Although I don’t necessarily know for sure what Sooyoung’s up to, I can definitely see that she isn’t the type of person to waste her time if she’s not genuinely interested. Knowing that you two have hung out more than once is a good sign...” She nodded, but didn’t seem to take my words to heart. Finally, I offered up a promise of more direct help, “Would you want me to ask what her plans are?”

Her face lit up instantly, “Oh my god would you?” She caught herself for a second, “I mean, you totally don’t have to! If that would be weird, like I don’t want to put you in an awkward position here, I just--”

I held up my hand slightly as I interrupted her, “You aren’t - I’d really be happy to help.”

It was refreshing to see her smile again. It was a big, natural smile that just seemed like it should always be there. Her enthusiasm almost rivalled Yerim’s, so it was just as jarring to see her in any sort of state besides hyper and happy.

“Okay! If you really want to! But just please don’t mention that you’re asking for me, that’d be sooo embarrassing!”

I mimed zipping my lips shut, pretty confident in my ability to sneakily ask Sooyoung about this. At this point I was partially doing it out of my own curiosity - I genuinely started to wonder if Sooyoung was some sort of lesbian player. She _had_ casually mentioned getting a lot of girls’ numbers before. I decided against mentioning that to Jiwoo.

Just as our exchange more or less concluded, there was an audible commotion coming from upstairs. At first it was as if something else fell down, and then there was a stampede of footsteps coming fast back down the stairs. I stood from the table for the first time, Jiwoo following, as we went over to the staircase just to see what all the fuss was about.

Yerim was the first rushing down, holding her phone in both hands, with Yeojin literally clinging to her waist as the two clumsily half-walked, half-fell down the steps. Haseul wasn’t far behind, trying and failing to maintain some sense of safety and order with the mom-role she’d been thrust into with these two immature girls.

“Careful, careful!! God you guys are _so_ lucky these stairs are carpeted!” Haseul fretted away, briefly matching my gaze and promptly rolling her eyes. 

Yeojin was too busy giggling to herself to even process her sister’s scolding, while Yerim seemed entirely preoccupied with something on her phone.

The rest of the guests weren’t left in the dark for too long, because as soon as Yerim was officially back on the first floor she was already shouting loud enough for anyone in the house to hear, “ _Guys!! I have an important update!!_ ”

Hyejoo audibly winced, reaching up to one of her ears, “Yerim we’re right here. You don’t have to yell.” Her voice sort of resembled Haseul’s in the mild though well-intentioned scolding tone it had.

Yerim evidently ignored that, because she was still yelling, “Heejin!! I’m sorry but Jungeun just texted me that she’s not coming, she has to work!!” She looked sadder than I’d ever seen her before. The disappointment was mutual.

The extent of emptiness that I felt at that new information was pretty startling to me. _So what if she’s not coming? It’s not the end of the world..._ I tried to think that - to convince myself - but in all honesty it didn’t work at all. I’d wanted to see her. I’d wanted to spend time with her outside of just some café. I’d only realized just how badly I’d wanted that once I found out it wasn’t happening.

Haseul seemed to notice my sudden change in demeanor. I hadn’t even bothered to hide it. She walked over and stood at my side again, muttering an apology for having abandoned me as she went upstairs.

Heejin groaned in feigned frustration, “Ahh jeez. It’s whatever I guess.”

Jiwoo seemed to feel genuinely bad for the situation and was trying to find some sort of loophole, “Well, when does she get out? Could she come later at night?”

Yerim gasped, clearly not having thought of that possibility, “Oh! Maybe! Lemme ask!” She pulled out her phone and actually texted someone for what may have been the first time. I expected her to call. Maybe she had common courtesy because she knew Jungeun was at work. The response was surprisingly fast, and my hopes were raised once again when Yerim’s smile returned, “Yes! She said she can come around 9!”

My heart sank yet again. I couldn’t stay that late, I had a paper due at midnight that I hadn’t even started. Haseul had set a mom-curfew for me, knowing that I needed to get it done, so there wasn’t even potential for wiggle-room. I cursed under my breath, the swear muffled by the conversation that started to bubble up amongst the others. Haseul heard, though, and didn’t seem to understand my dismay.

“What?” She raised an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure what to tell her, or what I was ready to reveal.

“Um... nothing, I uh, just realized I forgot to turn something in.” It was a semi-convincing lie, one she normally would’ve caught, but she seemed exhausted from whatever fiasco had occurred upstairs.

She glared slightly at me, “Jinsol, c’mon. Do you want me to get you a planner? I really think it would do you some good.”

“No, no...” The crowd started to disperse as the rest of the girls got caught up in their own things again. I dragged Haseul back to the table with me and did my best not to sulk too much at the newly received news, but a lingering part of me wanted to find some sort of excuse to leave early. Despite having some fun, it was as if learning Jungeun wasn’t coming just drained me of all energy and happiness. God what was wrong with me?  
  


Haseul got caught up talking with Chaewon about universities, and I couldn’t help but pull out my phone. As I often did, I scrolled absentmindedly through Jungeun and I’s messages. They were scarce and pretty impersonal. It’d be out of character for me to let her know I wished she was at the party. I knew it’d be odd, like really noticeably odd. I also knew that if Sooyoung was with me right now, she’d be screaming at me to just grow a pair and take some initiative.

So I finally did.

_hey, heard you aren’t coming to yerim’s. that’s too bad, it would’ve been cool to see you_

My heart was in my throat, and my finger hovered for a solid minute before I finally forced it forward onto the send button. _Don’t overthink. You need to stop that. I’m sure she doesn’t even flinch when she sends you stuff. Just be_ ** _normal_** _._

Despite my thoughts, I held my phone with white knuckles to stop my hands from shaking as I halfheartedly eavesdropped on Haseul and Chaewon’s conversation. It was sort of interesting, and normally I would’ve even been able to contribute, but I was way too distracted.

My phone buzzed. I frantically read what had come up.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: i’m gonna be coming at 9!_

I don’t think I’d ever seen her use an exclamation point before. Was she excited too? I couldn’t tell, and I mentally cursed at how uninformative the medium of texting was.

With a prolonged sigh, I explained my frustrating situation to her.

_i’ve gotta go at like 8, tho, have a huge paper to write :/_

She didn’t respond to that one. Maybe she’d been on break and had to go back to work or something. Maybe she just didn’t care enough to answer. I didn’t question it and didn’t let it bother me, coming to the disappointing but decisive conclusion that all of this fretting and expecting and hoping was one-sided. Although it put a bit of a damper on my mood, I brought myself back to interacting with the party. These girls were all really fun. I even got a few good words in with Hyejoo, who was standoffish but lit up a bit once you got her attention.

It was around an hour later when there was a knock on Yerim’s front door.

“Is that the pizza?!?” Hyunjin enthusiastically shouted from somewhere else in the house.

Yerim stopped mid-sentence while talking to Heejin, brow knitted in confusion, “I haven’t even ordered yet, Hyunjin! No, I dunno who that is...” Curious, she got to her feet and skipped toward the door. 

I was barely paying attention, distracted with talking to Haseul about one of her classes that she hated. But then I heard her voice.

It was Jungeun. She was at the door, still in full uniform - cap, apron and all. She seemed a bit out of breath and disheveled, as if she’d rushed here. My heart started to beat at twice the speed, I could feel it, and my breath got sucked straight out of my lungs. She’d actually shown up. She was here. She was really here. It was almost like I was in denial - I couldn’t process anything.

Yerim squealed in glee and tackled Jungeun into a huge hug, making the older girl stagger from the force of it. She just rolled her eyes slightly, returning the embrace, “Yeah yeah, get it out of your system.”

Some of the other girls came over to the door as well. Hyunjin in particular ran to see who had arrived, only to ultimately be disappointed, “Ughhh. I thought you were pizza.”

Jungeun laughed slightly, “Sorry to disappoint.”

Heejin spoke next, “Hey!! You owe me 5000 won!”

“Wow this is such a warm welcome, I have such a closely-knit circle of friends,” Jungeun joked, managing to pry Yerim off. Unfortunately for her, she was just ambushed into a second hug by Jiwoo and Yeojin simultaneously. She seemed to have semi-expected this.

After the onslaught of affection, she was finally allowed to actually enter the threshold of the house, shutting the door behind her, “I didn’t have time to grab your present from home, but I have a picture of it I could show--” Jungeun started to explain her lack of a gift, but was immediately interrupted.

“-- _No!_ Of course not!! That would ruin the whole purpose of gift giving!” Yerim insisted, crossing her arms firmly. Jungeun held up her hands in defense, withdrawing the idea wordlessly.

Haseul glanced at Jungeun and then back at me, though my eyes had remained transfixed on the blond since she’d appeared. Even after she nudged my arm, I didn’t look away, “Hey, isn’t that the really pretty girl from the café?” I was surprised she’d remembered.

Really pretty was right. I refrained from saying so, “What? Oh- uh, yeah. She works there.”

Jungeun’s eyes finally started to drift around the house, almost like she was looking for something or someone. I assumed it may be Hyejoo or Chaewon, since neither of them had greeted her yet, but found myself frozen solid when they stopped on me. Her smile got wider and her eyes sparkled, but it was as if she caught herself and tried to restrain the reaction. Oh no, I was already blushing. Damn it.

I couldn’t even return the smile, knowing that my only hope of maintaining composure was to break this eye contact. Trying and failing to play it cool, I abruptly turned absolutely all of my attention to Haseul, “So-- um, Chemistry sucks right?” My voice trembled too. Chills were shooting up and down my spine like lightning.

I didn’t even have much of a chance to seek social refuge in Haseul, because in a matter of a minute or so, Jungeun came straight up to me. Oh god, those same butterflies were back. They made my chest feel like it was vibrating.

She slid her cap smoothly off her head and tugged out her ponytail. It felt like I was melting as I mindlessly watched her long blond locks drape naturally around her shoulders. It was a miracle my jaw hadn’t literally dropped, or that I wasn’t drooling, “Hey Jinsol,” She took a deep breath, one that it seemed she needed after that introduction, “It’s cool you came!” She pointed over her shoulder at the other girls, who’d resumed their antics with even more excitement at Jungeun’s arrival, “They’re quite a handful, you’re really a trooper for sticking it out this long.”

I cleared my throat slightly, “Yeah, uh, they’re an interesting bunch but they’re a lot of fun.”

Haseul butted in, making sure she got the credit she deserved, “Uh, excuse me, this little brat wouldn’t have even come if it wasn’t for me.” Jungeun looked at her with a newfound appreciation just as she introduced herself, “Haseul, hi. Yeojin’s sister.”

“Ah! She complains about you a lot.” Jungeun smiled. God, her _smile,_ “Don’t worry, I never took it seriously. It’s nice to finally meet you!”

Haseul moved, adjusting her seat so that there was a space between she and I. Jungeun sat, placing her cap on the table. I watched in absolute awe as she idly ran her fingers through her hair as a sort of makeshift comb, her red nails poking through the blond in effortlessly fluid motions that almost felt like they were hypnotizing me.

The first question on my mind left me instantly, as if against my will, “I thought you were working until 9? It’s only 6.”

For some reason it caught her off guard. Maybe she’d assumed I wouldn’t ask? Her jaw dropped slightly, and it took her a good second or two to come up with an answer. Was she lying?  
  


“Uh-- I just needed to come up with an excuse to slip out. Now poor Mingyu is there all by himself running the whole place,” She shook her head back and forth slightly, “Boy am I never gonna hear the end of that.”

I internally flinched at the mentioning of this Mingyu guy. The one who’d hit on her. Should I bring it up? Was that too much? My lips parted, but I held it in - too uncertain.

Somehow Haseul seemed to read my mind and do it for me, “Mingyu? Isn’t that the boy who asked you out?”

Jungeun raised an eyebrow, “Um, how’d you hear about that?”

“Heejin told us about the bet.” I explained, glad that my desperation for answers didn’t show in my voice.

Jungeun just rolled her eyes, pushing her hair back and out of her face slightly, “Oh, _that_. Yeah, he’d been flirting with me so Heejin made that bet. I never thought he’d actually go through with it, he’s such a scaredy-cat, but he finally tried a few days ago.” She held me in suspense for a few more dreadful moments before finally adding on, “I turned him down, of course. He’s absolutely _not_ my type, and it’d be weird to date a coworker,” Her eyes flitted to me for a second but moved away again, “Good to know you guys have been getting the most important pieces of information about me while I wasn’t here.”

Haseul chuckled, “That’s about the full extent of it, don’t worry.”

Jungeun nodded, then looked back toward me again. I clasped both of my hands tightly together beneath the tabler to cope with the usual nerves that were settling in. She abruptly moved, physically swivelling her chair to better face me.

“Honestly, when you texted and said you were here, this party was even more of a priority.” That was a really bold, bluntly honest statement, even for her, and it caught me totally off guard. She’d come just for me? She’d made something up, jeopardized her coworker, and rushed all the way here just for me? Oh boy. Oh no. Warmth started flooding into my cheeks and I couldn’t do anything about it besides hope it would go away.

“Oh?” _Banter, c’mon. You can banter, right? You did it once?_ I tried channeling my inner Sooyoung like I did sometimes. It was my last chance at this point, “And why’s that?” _Good._ I praised myself internally at the slight snark there’d been to my tone. My voice didn’t even shake that bad. My Jungeun-coping skills were improving.

She didn’t miss a beat, but did take a second to lean slightly back in her chair and roll her head on her neck in a way that sent me reeling all over again, “I didn’t think you were coming! I had to grab my chance to see you outside of that damn café. You’re elusive, I felt like you were just gonna slip through my grasp again.”

_Oh my god that is so untrue..._ I thought to myself. If she wanted, I would be in her grasp in _seconds_. Wow, sometimes it felt like my brain wasn’t even mine anymore.

I scoffed slightly, failing to suppress the nervous smile that fought its way to my cheeks, “I don’t think I’d ever call myself ‘elusive,’ pretty sure ‘busy’ is a much more appropriate word.”

Haseul spoke up. I’d nearly completely forgotten she was even at the table, “Jinsol you couldn’t be elusive if you tried.” Jungeun and I looked at her briefly, but our gazes gravitated back toward one another simultaneously. The air was gaining this weird, tangible weight that made me feel like I was sinking.

Right as I was starting to feel guilty for the lack of Haseul’s involvement, Yerim rushed over and grabbed her hand, excitedly explaining that she wanted to show her something. Haseul politely excused herself and was led away to who knows where, leaving Jungeun and I alone at the table.

For a few long, lingering seconds, we just stared at each other. It really did feel like I was dreaming or something - was she really here? Were we really in a setting besides a café, had she really gone out of her way just to see me, and did we really not have a time constraint on our interaction? I wasn’t sure what to do or what to say. However this conversation was going to go was entirely in her hands, and thankfully she seemed to understand that without me needing to express it.

“So...” She subtly scooted her chair closer.

“So...” My voice was quiet. I think it was as loud as I could reliably make it.

Her eyes narrowed, like she was doing that thing where she tried to read me, “I sorta realized the other day that I don’t know, like, anything about you.”

I nodded, “I mean, you know that I like coffee. And I have a roommate. And that I’m slightly better at history than Yerim...”

Jungeun rolled her eyes, “You just described essentially half of a university’s population. I know for sure that there’s gotta be more to you than that.”

“Well what do you want to know...?” I realized too late that that question was pretty loaded and could enable her to ask literally anything about me. Jungeun proved to be unpredictable, and she definitely had an entire arsenal of questions to ask that I’d rather not answer. My stomach started to tie itself into tight knots of anticipation and anxiety, in contrast to the butterflies fluttering around my chest.

She hummed a drawn out tone, her slender fingers still absentmindedly running through her hair as she thought for a moment, “Well, for one I don’t even know what you’re at university for. What are you studying?”

I felt a wave of relief rush over me at the simpleness of the question. That was something I got asked a lot - usually by other people at university, or members of my family, so I barely even flinched when giving what had almost become an automatic response, “Um, well it’s my first year, so I’m pretty new to all of this. Right now I’m honestly undecided as to what I’m studying, so I’m taking a bunch of different classes to try out a bunch of different things.”

I was getting distracted while I talked because of her expression. She looked so intensely interested in what I was saying, like she actively clung to every single word. I mean, I didn’t think it was that interesting.

She nodded slowly, “Yeah yeah, I definitely get that. But like, do you have any idea what you might want to do?” I opened my mouth to answer, but she quickly added onto her question before I had the chance, “In an absolutely ideal world, where would you be in ten years?” By this point she’d leaned forward toward the table, resting her head on her hand.

I smiled slightly at her, at this situation, and at the fact we were talking. I was actually talking to her, and I honestly wasn’t feeling that nervous. The butterflies in my chest were becoming more comforting than nerve-wracking now. I sighed lightly, “I mean, I guess I’d be a piano player or something?” Her eyebrows raised slightly in surprise, so I elaborated, “I played for nine years, mainly when I was younger, but I always liked it.”

“Why’d you stop?” She asked, her genuine curiosity showing through.

“I didn’t necessarily stop, I still do it on and off, but I got preoccupied with working and school and I couldn’t keep going to lessons...” I felt myself getting lost in her eyes because I’d stared into them for too long. Barely catching myself, I quickly decided to change the topic toward her, so I’d have to talk less, “Uh, what do you think you want to do? Where would you be in ten years?” God I was _so_ incredibly interested in learning things about her. Anything. Everything.

She pursed her lips for a few seconds and looked away, as if thinking. She wore that same stark, red lipstick that made it increasingly hard not to stare at them, “Right now? I’m pretty sure I want to go into cosmetology - makeup, more specifically.”

“Oh?” That surprised me, too. I guess we’d both made some incorrect assumptions about one another. Our gazes met again.

“What? Don’t think I could do it?” She playfully questioned.

I jumped to explain my reaction, “No no, I just mean I’ve never really seen you with a bunch of makeup or anything, so I never would’ve guessed.” I hoped that came out right.

She shrugged, “Yeah, I don’t really like wearing tons of it myself, but it’s really fun to do it to other people. A lot of the times when I’m hanging out with these dorks, I wind up doing at least three full faces of makeup.” She smiled as if she’d remembered something, “They’re a bit too trusting though, one time I basically put clown makeup on Yerim and she just let it happen, only even noticing once she got to a mirror.”

I giggled at the image, “She probably liked it.”

She laughed along with me, “Well, she definitely wasn’t mad. If I remember right, she said something along the lines of ‘are you telling me you think I’m funny? That’s so sweet!’”

Out of nowhere, I felt this urge to make a comment that seemed relevant to the topic at hand, and it left me without being able to give it much thought, “I really like your lipstick.” My cheeks warmed at the realization of just how complimentary that sounded.

She flinched notably, definitely startled by it as well. I guess it was pretty out of character for me to say something bold like that, “Thank you! It’s my favorite color.”

“It suits you...” I forced myself to add on. Sooyoung would be proud.

She went quiet for a few seconds, as if strongly considered making some sort of compliment toward me in response. I almost hoped she didn’t, because I had no idea how I’d react. I’d been doing well so far, so I was expecting her to say or do something to throw me entirely off kilter as per usual.

Instead though, she refused to be predictable yet again and instead asked, “What’s your favorite color?”

That same wave of relief overcame me, and I answered on a slight exhale, “Royal blue.”

“Oooh, _royal_ blue!” She teased me, “Wow, so _fancy_.”

I rolled my eyes, “Shut up, it’s a pretty shade!”

She nodded, still smirking to herself, “Oh I’m sure. It’d probably look really good with your blond hair, too.” Oh, there was the compliment. I did my best not to blush, wondering if I should say something in response just as she hit me with another question, “Do you ever want to travel?”

This conversation was just going all over the place, but I was on board with it, “Yeah, I’ve always wanted to but haven’t gone much of anywhere. I’ve never even been on a plane.”

She gasped excitedly, “Me neither! But oh my god I want to travel _so_ bad.” Her eyes wandered as she started listing off places, having my utmost attention, loving that I could literally see how passionate she suddenly was about this, “I’ve wanted to go to Jeju Island since forever, oooh I _really_ want to go to Europe at some point, like anywhere in Europe, I wouldn’t mind going to America some time, Canada, Australia, or South America, even Antarctica although it’d be super cold, Africa... damn that’s basically everywhere isn’t it?” She laughed slightly at the tangent she’d gone on. I loved just listening to her talk.

I nodded, “I can relate, I definitely want to go all over the place at some point... where’s the farthest you’ve ever gone?”

“Me? Oh, I’m a small town girl. I’ve never even left this city, really.” She sighed wistfully, “I know, I’m pretty boring huh. What about you?”

My brow furrowed at her self-deprecating comment, “You aren’t boring, I haven’t gone very far either. I mean, the furthest was the train ride I took here. That was about... four or five hours I think?”

Her eyes lit up - that same intense and evident interest in what I was saying coming back in full force, “You aren’t from here?? I didn’t know that - you really live that far away?” Her tone changed slightly but I couldn’t quite read it.

“Yeah, I’m pretty far from home!” Whenever I talked about it for too long, I got this weird intense homesickness that made me feel sort of hollow, so I decided to be as vague as I could, “It’s kinda scary to be such a long way from my family and stuff, but the traveling part was fun at least, and I’ve met some really good people.”

Her smile had faded as she listened intently to me once again, and there were a few long seconds of silence, “That means you’ll be gone during breaks though, right?” I could tell what her tone was now: she sounded disappointed, maybe even a little sad. It made my heart ache, and more than anything I just wished I lived in the area so I didn’t have to give her anything even close to what could be called bad news.

I frowned, not knowing what to tell her, “Yeah, I guess I will be...”

She sighed happily, smiling again, though it seemed less natural than before, “Well that’s too bad. There you go being all elusive again.”

Before I had a chance to banter with her further, the gaggle of girls who had been previously making a commotion on the other side of the house had migrated to our side - more specifically the living room adjacent to the one we sat in. Their chatter and giggling was pretty distracting and we both simultaneously looked over, but something in particular caught my eye and practically made my jaw drop.

It was Heejin and Hyunjin. They were just goofing off as usual, which wasn’t what startled me. Hyunjin had started to poke Heejin relentlessly, until it eventually devolved into tickling. Heejin clearly hated this and tried to escape the onslaught by shoving the other girl away, but she was having none of it. What threw me for a total loop was when Heejin seemed to have had enough and instead just grabbed Hyunjin by the collar of her shirt, pulled her flush against her and kissed her straight on the lips.

I half-expected Hyunjin to pull back, for her to be just as surprised as I was, but instead she just smiled and wrapped her hands around Heejin’s waist, tugging her even closer.

_Whoa_. I felt those butterflies that had been lingering in my chest intensify for some reason. In all honesty I’d never seen two girls kiss before, let alone so nonchalantly while in a group of other people. I’d been under the impression that they were just friends this whole time. Was I being totally oblivious?

Jungeun was looking at them too. Even after they’d broken apart and were just staring at each other all smitten, the both of us couldn’t seem to stop staring. They didn’t notice.

Finally I dared to ask, “Um... how long have they been together?” It was pretty noticeable how affected I was, just by seeing those two like that.

She looked back at me finally, and I tore my gaze away too, “Heejin and Hyunjin? Uh, damn how long _has_ it been?” Her brow furrowed as she thought for a few seconds, as if she wanted to get it right, “A while? Maybe a bit more than a year? I don’t even know, it feels like it’s been forever. At least those two don’t have any goddamn drama.” She added on that last bit with quite the eye roll.

The gossipy part of me abruptly resurfaced, “Oh? I have a feeling you’re referring to someone in particular.”

She looked at me, then glanced back at the others before deciding to fill me in, speaking in a hushed voice, “I’m assuming Hyejoo has been moody today?” I nodded, though I wouldn’t necessarily call it moody, “Yeah, well that’s cuz she's sulking about Chae for some new reason. I wish those two would just work it out already, anyone can see they're whipped for each other.”

I had an absolutely infinite number of questions from all of that, and I had no idea which one to ask first. Chaewon and Hyejoo were together too?? Or rather, they should be, or something? Maybe it was one-sided? I couldn't really glean much from the vagueness of the statement. I didn’t know how to react or what to say. I was totally overwhelmed. What were the odds that there were _two_ potential gay couples in _one_ friend group? Was this a normal thing? Had I secretly been surrounded by gays this whole time and just too dumb to notice? Was I one of those secret gays now?

_Whoa lets not think about_ ** _that_** _part..._ I thought to myself, taking in a quick breath since I started to notice I wasn’t breathing much.

The group started to migrate again, coming even further into our room. Heejin had caught Hyunjin in an embrace from behind and wouldn’t seem to let go, no matter how much Hyunjin tried to playfully squeam out of her grasp. They seemed... just, really really happy. I suddenly felt this strong, _intense_ envy, and it sort of scared me.

“They’re cute together...” I commented, staring at the two of them again. Jungeun glanced over at well before looking back at me, her expression sort of unreadable.

Yerim suddenly leapt into the conversation right as Haseul returned from whatever thing Yerim had shown her. She sat back down at the table while Yeojin talked her ear off about nothing important. Jiwoo abruptly grasped Jungeun’s arm, practically pulling her to her feet, and after that we didn’t get much of a chance to talk one on one again. Even from just that brief exchange we had, though, I felt like I knew so much more about her.

And... whatever it was I was feeling only seemed to get stronger.

I stayed much later than I should have. Haseul remembered the curfew and kept trying to get me to go, but everytime I stood up to leave, Jungeun’s eyes flitted toward me and I felt like I just couldn’t go.

We finally left at around 10, Haseul fretting the whole time about my paper and how I was going to fail my class. Jungeun for the first time didn’t notice me leaving, and for some stupid reason I was too nervous to get her attention and let her know. So I slipped out.

About three minutes into the car ride back to campus, my phone buzzed with her unique text tone.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: you left?? there you go being elusive all over again_

I smiled, thinking out what I should say in response, only for her to send something else.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: for real though, it was super nice talking to you tonight. i’ll make sure to see you again soon, okay?_

My heart started beating out of my chest. I went to bed smiling. 


	5. Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Jinsol and Jungeun get closer, Jinsol is goaded into getting some strategic alone-time with Jungeun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

Our texting had changed. It got more personal and more frequent, and sometimes she’d even dare to send a heart. It always made me quake in my boots, despite knowing it was platonic. Not only that, but sometimes she’d send me a selfie of her in her uniform at work, glaring at the clock, or showing me “all the assignments she wasn’t doing because she was too busy texting me.” It took extreme self control not to save those selfies into my own camera roll, and even more to not just respond with fifty trillion heart emojis.

Although we’d said we would see each other soon, both of us wound up being more busy than we ever would’ve thought. I’d managed to write that paper with the two hours I had before it was due, but it didn’t come out too great, and now I was scrambling to do enough extra credit before the mid-semester grades were turned in. Jungeun had to pick up extra shifts after she ducked out without warning for Yerim’s party, or else she probably would’ve been fired. Sometimes she’d text and harrass me to come visit her at work, even saying she’d give me a cappuccino for free, but I genuinely was swamped with assignments. I quickly discovered that it was somehow even harder to say no to her than it was to Yerim.

Poor Yerim was actually expressing a lot of worry to me, too. Her grades were slipping for history despite my tutoring, and if I’m being completely honest I understand why. I’d been consistently distracted during our sessions, either because I was thinking about Jungeun, worrying about Jungeun, or daydreaming about Jungeun. Basically it was Jungeun’s fault. I’d made the decision to really focus from now on, since not only did I want to help Yerim, but it was also my job.

I headed into the library fifteen minutes early to set up all of my tutoring gear and patiently waited for Yerim. My phone buzzed with what I knew was a text from Jungeun and I checked it briefly, not wanting to get too distracted.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: stop by the shop? ( ﾉ^.^)ﾉﾟ_ ⛾

I smiled, as I always did without fail from any sort of interaction with her, and quickly texted back.

_I can’t, gotta tutor yerim today. Maybe i could stop by after our session though?_

She read it as soon as it got sent, and immediately replied.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: yes please!! i wanna see you <3_

My heart skipped a beat and I even gasped slightly aloud to myself, smiling uncontrollably like an idiot. God I was such a wreck.

Not shortly after, the door to the library swung open. I looked and saw Yerim for some reason poking her head around the edge of the door instead of just coming in. She looked... mischievous. Oh boy, she was definitely up to something. My brow furrowed at her, and before I had much time to wonder, she opened the door fully.

Jungeun hovered over her shoulder, beaming, with that same red lipstick that _really_ ** _really_** suited her. My jaw dropped as I felt my cheeks lighting with a blush. I hadn’t been prepared for this at all. Immediately I started to reassess my outfit and my makeup and my hair - did I look okay? I blinked hard, mentally scolding myself: _you look fine, shut up. Why would she care anyway?_ I finally managed to smile back at them, fighting through my total shock.

They rushed over excitedly, bursting with energy. It was probably the most enthusiastic and exuberant I’d ever seen Jungeun, and it was extremely adorable. I guess some of Yerim had rubbed off on her on their way here.

Yerim entrapped me in a hug before she sat down, and when she pulled away, Jungeun looked at me oddly. I recognized her expression immediately - it was the same one I’d get when I wasn’t sure if it’d be appropriate to hug someone yet. She must’ve made the decision not to, and instead sat next to Yerim - across from me at the table toward the back of the library.

“I thought you were working?” I asked her, my voice unsteady.

Jungeun shrugged, “Nah. Gotcha.” She winked at me.

I couldn’t be mad, but I didn’t appreciate her tricking me, “You brat! Oh my god, wow, I can never trust you again.” I joked. Her being here was actually sort of jeopardizing my original plans of focusing entirely on Yerim. How was I supposed to focus on literally _anything else_ when Jungeun’s gorgeous self was sitting three feet from me??

She laughed, “That’s okay. You probably never should’ve trusted me to begin with.”

Yerim rolled her eyes, “Jungeun-ah, you said you came here to help!”

  
I raised an eyebrow, “Oh, help me tutor you mean?” I wouldn’t turn down the offer, and at this point help was sorely needed because it was getting increasingly difficult to even look away from Jungeun - who’d been staring at me intensely ever since she sat down.

Jungeun nodded, “Yeah! Yerim said she’s been having a hard time, you’re always too busy to hangout, and I at least understand history more than she does, so I figured why not lend you a hand?”

My heart was swelling more and more with everything she was saying. Did she really just want to help? Or was she here as an excuse to see me? I wasn’t sure, but either way those same butterflies were fluttering around my chest, and the blush already settling on my cheeks kept getting worse and worse.

Yerim quickly tugged her books from her bag, along with her set of color coded pens (they were just various shades of purple). I’d never seen her so dedicated or so readily getting right into it, normally she wanted to talk a bit before delving into what she called “the boring stuff.” It was a pretty fair nickname.

To my surprise yet again, the tutoring session was startlingly productive. Jungeun wasn’t disruptive at all and respected that I actually had a job to do, and did her best to help by offering Yerim unique ways to remember certain facts for the test, as well as even making her flashcards while I helped her review previous readings. Everything was going great, and Yerim made sure to let us know that she was eternally grateful for how “generous and smart” we were.

But, at least for me, everything came to a grinding halt fifteen minutes before the session was supposed to end. I briefly adjusted how I was sitting for a second, only for my foot to accidentally brush against what I knew was Jungeun’s leg. I recoiled immediately, tensing up, kicking myself in my head for the mistake and hoping she didn’t notice.

But I felt her eyes on me. She was staring, just like she had before we started to study. Her gaze was so intense. It felt like she was boring holes into my cheek. I did my best to ignore it as I tried to help Yerim understand a complicated paragraph.

Then Jungeun’s shoe brushed against mine, and it wasn’t an accident. That was definitely deliberate. Those aforementioned butterflies were starting to feel more like mini-tornados. I just tried to ignore it, assuming she’d move away in a second or two, but she didn’t. Instead, she moved closer, slightly wrapping her leg around mine, scooting her chair against the table.

“Uh--” I found myself floundering for words mid-sentence, not knowing what to say or do, and too nervous to let myself look back at Jungeun. Yerim looked up from her notes at me, confused as to why I’d stopped, “Um, yeah, so...” I clenched the pencil in my hand with white knuckles.

_Um excuse me is Jungeun seriously playing footsie with you right now??_ My mind couldn’t process what was happening. Both of us were wearing shorts. It was just her skin against mine and I was _so_ not prepared for that. The chills going up and down my spine were so intense that my whole body almost started shaking. She kept moving her leg, slowly and gently, back and forth, and Jesus it felt like I was coming apart at the seams.

When my denial had reached its peak, I finally dared to look over at her. Her eyes were dark and there was something behind them I’d never seen there before. For a long, dragging second or two, we just stared at each other. The air did that thing where it got heavy, dense, and pushed down on me. The motion of her leg stopped, and I wondered if she could feel how warm I was.

“Jinsol? Hello, anybody home?” Yerim asked, waving her hand in front of my face playfully.

I snapped back to reality and apparently so did Jungeun. We both looked away from one another and returned to the task at hand with the same effort as before. But my mind and heart were still racing, since although she’d stopped moving her leg, we maintained the contact beneath the table. Her skin was so _soft_. I literally felt lightheaded.

When my phone started to go off with the timer showing that our session was over, Yerim let out a long relieved sigh. She put her head down on the table, showing more outward signs of tiredness than I’d ever seen. I hadn’t thought it was possible for her to feel tired. I’d imagined her just staying awake all through the night, being fueled by pure optimistic energy.

“Ughhh. That was so much for my braaain.” She groaned, pouting. I reached over and affectionately patted her head, still amazed I was even remotely able to function with the sensation of Jungeun’s skin against mine happening.

I sighed slightly, “You did really good, Yerim, I don’t think you have to worry about this test.”

Jungeun chimed in, her voice much more steady and firm than mine had been, “Just keep using the flashcards. That’ll at least get you through the vocab parts.” She nudged the pile that she’d finished making over to the sleepy girl.

Yerim grumbled before sitting upright again, “Thanks, I just wish I wasn’t so bad at this stuff.” My heart cracked slightly at her extremely out of character self-deprecation, and just as I opened my mouth to discourage it, a refreshing smile brightened up her face all over again, “At least we all got to hangout though! This was fun, even if it was about boring history. You guys make a great team!”

Our eyes met again at that comment. It was subtle, but she vaguely moved her leg again against mine as she smirked. I took a deep, audible breath, clearing my throat slightly and moving to shut my books.

“Yeah! Uh-- thank you Jungeun, for lying to me and crashing our tutor session.” The more interactions I had with Jungeun, the better I wound up getting at holding banter with her no matter how flustered I actually felt inside.

She scoffed, “Uh, you better change that tone!” Her leg finally pulled away from mine and I felt myself deflating, the air going back to normal, “I was quite the helpful assistant. I could be doing something fun today, or even better - doing my own homework, but I wanted to see you.” Her joking tone had faded toward the end of her sentence and gotten more sentimental. More genuine. It suddenly seemed like she caught herself, and after a stilted pause she clumsily added, “Um- both of you! Yerim, I don’t get to see you outside of school too often either.”

Yerim squealed in glee, all of her energy seeming to abruptly reinvigorate her, “Of course!! I love you guys and I’m so glad Jinsol’s coming more into the friend group!” Yerim reached across the table and tightly clasped my hands with hers, “I forgot to tell you - everyone from the party loved you! They thought you were so sweet and nice and funny and they want to see you again so you _have_ to come over soon okay?”

Yerim was really good at that whole compliment shower thing, and I was really bad at accepting all of them, “Uh, yeah! I had a ton of fun, they were all really nice too.”

Jungeun spoke up again, “Damn Jinsol, you made quite the impression huh?” I glanced at her and did _not_ at all appreciate the way she was looking at me. My stomach did a backflip, “I guess you’re pretty good at that.”

I was internally screaming. Was that flirting? Was she flirting?? I made a note to report all of this back to Sooyoung - she was good at understanding this stuff, and I absolutely wasn’t.

Yerim’s gaze drifted over my shoulder, “Oh! Jinsol - it’s the blossoms again!” She shot to her feet and rushed toward the window, saying along the way, “We have to take another picture - it’s just like before!”

Jungeun raised an eyebrow, “Is this a recurring thing?” She stood up too. I was worried I may fall over, since my legs sort of felt like jello after everything that had just transpired.

I waited a few seconds for good measure before finally getting to my feet. Yerim was giddily pacing in front of the window, where all the blossoms from the tree let in scarce light from the sun. It actually was extremely pretty - the blossoms almost looked like they were glowing, and the sky was a beautiful shade of blue.

Yerim excitedly explained, “At another tutor session the blossoms looked like this! Haven’t you seen the photos I posted on insta? They came out so good!”

Jungeun sighed, “Sorry Yerim but I don’t keep a mental log of all of your instagram posts.” The two of them both looked out the window now as I approached them.

Yerim spun around, beaming at me, “Jinsol!”

“I know, I know, you want a picture,” I extended my hand for her to give me her phone, but she instead held it with her own and tugged me towards her.

“No! Not this time - lets all take a selfie to commemorate our productive study session!!” She shoved me in the middle - between she and Jungeun - and wrapped her arm around my shoulders to pull me against her, “You should hold the phone though so you can get all of us in it!” Without hesitation she shoved her phone into my hand and was already starting to pose.

“Yeah, okay, good idea!” I unlocked her phone and held it up. It was only then that I felt Jungeun’s hand slink around my waist to pull herself closer. I felt myself practically turn to stone, praying it wasn’t noticeable as my grip on the phone almost faltered. I pulled up the camera, “Um-- everyone ready?”

Yerim nodded, adjusting herself slightly and smiling. I saw in the camera that she put up bunny ears behind my head. Jungeun at first just moved to put her head on my shoulder, and that on its own made my heart leap straight into my throat. I struggled to smile for the pictures and to keep my hand steady enough so they didn’t blur. They adjusted their pose with every two pictures or so, yaknow, for versatility. It was only when Jungeun changed her pose and instead moved to kiss my cheek that I literally dropped Yerim’s phone to the floor.

“Oh!” Yerim exclaimed, reaching down and almost catching it. At the very least she lessened the intensity of the fall.

_Did you seriously just drop her phone?_ I asked myself while dealing with my own inner turmoil. _Did she seriously just kiss your cheek?? What is going on oh my god??_

“I-I’m sorry, I was just, uh, sorry!” I stammered out, unable to look at Jungeun yet.

She spoke up, laughing slightly, “Jeez Jinsol, butterfingers much?” She nudged me playfully and I tensed again, barely even managing a slight smile to seem more normal than I felt, “Did your screen crack or anything Yerim?”

Yerim stood, “No, no, it’s fine! I get it Jinsol, my phone is pretty dang big and it can be hard to hold it in just one hand. No problem!” She let me off the hook, as expected. That wasn’t even my concern.

_Did Jungeun seriously kiss your cheek._ I asked myself again, while the rational part of my brain tried and failed to take over: _It was only for a second, stop freaking out._ My hands were shaking. _Did Jungeun seriously kiss your cheek._ My rationality was absolutely failing, though trying its best, _It’s a pose for a picture. Don’t take it out of context, just calm down, chill, be a person. Remember that? Being a person?_ I blinked hard, pursing my lips slightly as I took a deep breath. _Did Jungeun seriously kiss your cheek._

“Hey,” Jungeun spoke up and I looked at her for a second, “Oops, sorry, I got lipstick on you!” She reached up and brushed her thumb against the side of my face once or twice. I must’ve been beet red by this point but there was absolutely no way I could’ve prevented it.

Yerim squealed in excitement, looking through the pictures I’d managed to take before my complete malfunction, “These are sooo nice! I dunno how I’m gonna pick one! Jinsol you should take up photography!”

Jungeun chuckled, “Maybe not - if she drops any of her cameras you won’t be there to catch them.”

_Did Jungeun seriously kiss your cheek._

“I’ll send you guys the pictures, too!” Yerim went back to the table, loading her things back into her backpack which she then slid onto her shoulders, “My mom’s gonna be outside soon though Jungeun, so we should head to the parking lot okay?” She ran back to me to give me a quick hug, and clasped Jungeun’s hand, pulling her toward the exit.

Jungeun staggered, smiling at Yerim’s antics but also waving at me, “Bye Jinsol! Sorry I lied!” She managed to shake herself from Yerim’s grasp right as she was halfway through the door, and briefly poked her head back into the library to shout, “Please stop by work sometime!” Yerim presumably tugged her out of sight, but she escaped one last time, “Those shorts look cute on you!!”

I stood, still absolutely stunned into silence.

_Did Jungeun seriously kiss your cheek._

***

_“Jungeun kissed your cheek?!”_ Sooyoung shrieked at me, completely disregarding my previous request not to freak out.

“Shh!!” I frantically gestured at her, knowing that our walls were thin.

_“And she played_ ** _footsie_** _with you???”_ She had not lowered her volume in the slightest.

I couldn’t help but smile at her extreme reaction, “Stop yelling, oh my God! Yes, both of those things happened! And before you even ask, _no,_ I did _not_ react well or do anything _remotely_ flirty in response, because I don’t know how to do that and I don’t know if I’m reading into stuff that isn’t there--”

“--stuff that isn’t there??” Her voice had almost reached normal loudness, but that was only temporary, _“Stuff that isn’t there??”_ I grimaced at her shouting, “Jinsol, I know you’re totally an idiot but how much of an idiot are you allowed to be while also legally attending university?”

I glared playfully at her, “I’m not an idiot! I’m just...” I collapsed onto my bed, shoving my face into my pillow, “Ughhh. She makes me _so_ nervous.”

Sooyoung laughed, “Damn, girl, you’ve got it _bad_ ,” She had been in the middle of doing her makeup when I’d barged in, an absolute mess, informing her of that disastrous tutor session. She started to go back to it, using the mirror and elaborate lighting setup on her desk, “But again, if you genuinely think that this girl doesn’t have at the very _least_ a crush on you, you’re delusional.”

I sat up, looking over at her with intense curiosity, “Do you really think so?”

She rolled her eyes, “Ugh, _yes_. How many more times do I have to say it? I’ve been saying this ever since she asked for your number and I stand by it.” She masterfully applied some eyeliner without so much as flinching.

My brow furrowed, trying to disprove Sooyoung for a reason I wasn’t sure of, “But... I don’t even think she’s gay. If she was, she’s had plenty of chances to mention it, and she hasn’t. Like for instance at Yerim’s party, there wasn’t just one, but _two_ gay couples that were just, yaknow, _there_ , and she even gossiped about them with me! Wouldn’t that be a perfect opportunity to tell me she was gay too?” My stomach was tying itself in knots just throwing the word “gay” around so casually for some reason. I think it was because I wasn’t even comfortable with the word yet on its own, let alone the concept or what it implied.

Sooyoung nodded, “Yeah, but yaknow what else it was?” She held me in suspense, spinning in her swivel chair to face me for emphasis as she leaned forward, “A perfect opportunity to tell _her_ that _you_ were gay.”

I frowned slightly, pulling my legs up to my chest and resting my head on my knees. I couldn’t seem to look at her anymore.

“What?” She asked, her tone shifting noticeably, “Oh, are you still not sure?”

I sighed heavily, “I... I don’t know. I just... I’m scared to label it I guess. I don’t know what I’m feeling. This is...” I dared to look at her and felt a bit more at ease from her expression of empathy and understanding, “It’s a lot. It’s been a really confusing couple of months and I’m honestly too scared to think about this for too long.”

I hadn’t at all anticipated opening up so much to Sooyoung. We’d never really gotten this personal or vulnerable, so I wasn’t sure how she’d respond, but based off just her face I felt safe enough to confess all this.

She sighed lightly, setting down her eyeliner halfway through her second eye and rolling her chair closer to the bed, “Listen. I know it’s a lot, I’ve been through this whole process. It’s different for everyone, but it’s always hard to deal with. I’ll be here for you the whole time, and I’m sorry if you ever feel like I’m pushing you to do things you aren’t ready to do yet, but it’s just because I’m excited for you. I’m _so_ excited for you, because this girl that I know you really like is trying so hard to tell you that she likes you too, and you’re gonna miss your chance because you’re too scared.” Her voice was calm and slow, the softness of it something I’d never heard from her before.

Whenever I actually started to talk about whatever my identity was, or the reality that was clearly there - that I had some sort of feelings for Jungeun, a girl, it made my eyes start to sting. It was happening again, and the absolute last thing I wanted to do was cry. There wasn’t even anything to cry about, so my emotional instability was just frustrating to me.

I blinked hard in an attempt to keep my annoyingly oncoming tears back, “I’m... yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m scared cuz I don’t know how to... _do_ this, I’ve never... felt like this before, about anyone, and I’m scared of what it means and what it implies about me.”

Sooyoung nodded along with what I said, reaching forward and clasping one of my hands, “Jinsol, who you’re attracted to doesn’t have to change who you are, just so you know. If anything, once you really get a grasp on it, you get more confident in yourself. That’s what happened in my case at least.”

The more we talked about this, the closer I felt to breaking down. I think she could tell.

“I know, I get it... I guess I need more time, or... I need to spend more time with her, just to make sure this isn’t something else and I’m not misinterpreting whatever it is I’m feeling.” My voice was almost breaking toward the end, and I had a sneaking suspicion that by this point my eyes were visibly glossy. This was just so difficult for me to talk about.

She smiled at me mischievously, pointing at me with her free hand, “And that’s what I wanted to pitch to you.”

I was curious but scared at the same time, “Pitch? Oh no, what’s your idea?”

She released her grip on me so she had the full use of both hands for emphatic gesturing, “Hear me out, just listen: I say that we go to Haseul’s house. We invite Jungeun. I’ll come too, and fulfill my role as your lesbian wingwoman. My job is just to get you two alone, so you have a chance to talk one-on-one, but it’s less pressure because if it’s going weird or if you’re nervous you can retreat back to the group.” She finished her explanation, looking at me with raised eyebrows for an answer.

I took a deep breath, considering this. Jungeun clearly wanted to hangout with me, but I didn’t consider myself ready to actually be alone with her without other people around. So this was a pretty plausible solution. Haseul had told me over and over again that her house was my house, and I could come over whenever, so that wouldn’t be a problem. Jungeun would presumably jump at the chance to spend more time with me, so that wouldn’t be a problem. The only obstacle here was my own nervousness, which seemed to be the only issue pretty consistently. If I wanted this to go anywhere, if I wanted any answers about my own identity, I should do this. I really should.

“Yeah...” I nodded slightly, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Okay.”

Sooyoung fist-pumped, overjoyed, “Good! Cuz I already texted Haseul about Friday and she said yes!”

I gasped in exaggerated anger, “Are you kidding?!”

“Nope!” She gracefully dodged as I hurled a pillow in her direction, “Now you call Jungeun this instant and invite her!” I opened my mouth to protest but she interrupted, “Don’t text! _Call._ I’ll leave the room if you want.”

“With your makeup half on?” I teased playfully, “Wow, that’s commitment.”

She moved quickly to the door, “I take my job very seriously!” She slipped out into the hallway, shooting me a wink through the crack of the door before shutting it behind her.

Despite her technically leaving the room, I knew she was just sitting there with her ear pressed against the door, and I knew that if I didn’t call Jungeun, or at least fake-call her, she’d barge in and force me to. I took a deep, shaky breath, staring at her contact and holding my thumb over the call button. Maybe she was working. Maybe she wouldn’t answer.  
  


Finally, I worked up the courage to push the button and bring my phone to my ear. My fists clenched tighter with every single ring. _Please don’t answer, please don’t answer, just let me leave a voicemail. Pleeeeaasee._

“Hello?”

_Goddamnit._

I exhaled slightly, my heart leaping into my throat yet again, “Uh-- hey!” My hand started shaking.

“Hi!” She sounded so happy. It lightened the weight on my chest, letting me get a real breath in, “Wow, you _called_ me? This is pretty groundbreaking, I thought you were Yerim.”

I found myself smiling broadly at the sound of her voice, “No, I uh, I just wanted to ask if you were free this Friday?” I moved my free hand to grab a fistful of sheets and hold onto them desperately.

She paused and I wasn’t sure if it was from confusion, reluctance, surprise, or some combination of the three. A second or so passed before she finally responded, “Uh, yes! Yeah, I get out of work at 7! What’d you have in mind?”

I could feel my heartbeat increasing with every second of this call. She sounded so genuinely excited, I was flattered, “Uh, Haseul was gonna have Sooyoung and I over and I know you’ve been wanting to hangout, we’d love it if you came!”

“Yes! I’ll definitely be there, um, just text me with the address and I’ll see you then.”

After semi-awkward goodbyes (on my part), we hung up. I sighed heavily in extreme relief, gently tossing my phone over my shoulder onto my bedspread.

Sooyoung burst back into the room and rushed toward me, tackling me in a hug, “You did it!! I’m so proud of you!!”

I hugged her back, startled by the affection, while my heart was still in my throat. Part of me was definitely glad that I’d made the plan, that we were going to see each other again, and that I’d actually taken some initiative, but another strong part of me was terrified about what conclusions I may come to after hanging out with her more.

I guess I’d just have to wait for answers.

***

“Haseul-ahhh!! You ate my ice cream!!!” Yeojin’s piercing shriek deafened me from over my shoulder. I was hovering in Haseul’s kitchen, gripping the edge of her counter with white knuckles as I did my very best to fight away my nerves before they could settle in. My eyes kept flitting to the clock. It was 7:10. She would be here any second.

Haseul groaned from the other room, “You said I could have it, oh my god.”  
  


Yeojin stomped into the room to directly confront her sister, though I could still hear the whole conversation as if I was right next to them from how loud they were, “I never would have said that!!! Who do you think I am?! You’re such a liar!”

“You’re being ridiculous! There were like four bites left anyway!”

_“Four bites that were absolutely mine!! What gives you the right??”_ She sounded as if she had been robbed of everything she’d ever loved.

Sooyoung was sitting on a countertop by the fridge, legs crossed, scrolling absentmindedly through social media while I endured my own personal turmoil, “Are they always like that?”

“Pretty much.”

Sooyoung sighed in exasperation, “Wow, Haseul has the patience of a saint.”

Haseul groaned again in frustration, giving up on the pointless argument and leaving the living room, heading over to me, “Hey, when’s Jungeun supposed to get here again?”

Sooyoung answered before I could, “Like 7:15 probably. She was at work, she’s probably just changing so she’ll look nice.” She shot me an unappreciated wink and I glared at her.

Haseul definitely caught it, “Am I missing something?”

A pang of guilt shot through me at the reminder that I hadn’t told Haseul about any of this. She was totally in the dark about Sooyoung’s plan. I wasn’t sure if it was the right time to tell her, and I honestly wasn’t sure what I _should_ tell her since I was so uncertain about my own motives and feelings toward this whole situation. Sooyoung refrained from saying anything, letting me choose how I wanted this reveal to go.

“Uh, just...” I sighed heavily, almost feeling like I was getting a headache, “I’m trying to be better friends with her because I think she’s really cool. I’m too nervous to hangout with her one on one though, that’s where you guys come in.” That wasn’t a total lie. I just left out the really confusing parts.

Sooyoung hopped off the counter, “Haseul - our job is to try as hard as we can to get the two of them alone without it seeming obvious.” She leaned against the counter toward her, “Think you can do that?”

Haseul leapt at any chance to help people she cared about, so whether or not she would do it wasn’t the question. It was whether or not she bought my vague lie, “Absolutely! I didn’t know this was a covert operation! I can be sneaky!” She was a bit overly enthusiastic about that claim. If I hadn’t been worried before, I definitely was now.

There was a steady knock at the door and all three of us stiffened in unison.

Haseul gasped in excitement and mouthed the question, “Is that her??”

I just rolled my eyes, knowing that if that was the extent of her “sneakiness,” this evening wouldn’t bode well. Sooyoung took control of the situation and rushed toward the front door, emphatically shushing the rest of us as Haseul started to ask me rushed questions I didn’t process or answer.

With a quick glance shot back at me, Sooyoung opened the door in one sweeping motion, revealing the three of us all awkwardly standing there waiting. Oh jeez, this was already a trainwreck.

Jungeun stood, fist raised to probably knock again. Unintentionally I looked her up and down and instantly wished I hadn’t, since she definitely noticed. I couldn’t help it though. She was wearing tight, black, high-waisted ripped jeans that... uh, fit her well, and a deep red crop top that was just barely long enough to cover all of her stomach. A white hoodie hung loosely on her shoulders, and her hair was down again. God I really loved it when she had her hair down. Her shade of lipstick was just a bit darker so it would match her shirt.

She was startled by the sudden appearance of all three of us, “Oh! Hey guys, sorry I’m a little late--”

“--Don’t mention it! We weren’t waiting for you or anything, just hanging out.” Haseul interrupted her and I actually couldn’t believe how awkward and stilted what she said was. It took every fiber of my being to not facepalm outright. Instead I just curled my toes in my shoes.

Sooyoung did her best to salvage things with her natural charisma, “Come in, come in.” Jungeun nodded, strolling into the house, her eyes moving to me.

“Hi Jinsol,” Still seeming uncertain of whether or not to hug me, she instead just brushed her hand against my arm. Even that contact, that light brush of skin practically gave me goosebumps. Her voice was quiet, as if emphasizing that the greeting was just for me.

I smiled, those nerves definitely coming back, but being accompanied by that familiar, uninhibited happiness I had whenever she was around, “Hey! It’s good to see you.” We stood, smiling at each other for a while as nothing was said. The air was getting that weight again, that weight that I never quite understood.

_“Is that Jungeun?!”_ A high-pitched shriek cut through the brief silence as Yeojin’s bean-shaped head poked out of the living room.

Jungeun took a deep breath, preparing herself for this high energy onslaught, “Hey kid-- _oof_ \--” The wind nearly got knocked out of her as Yeojin rushed over, trapping Jungeun in a hug so strong it may’ve broken her bones. She liked to do that. Jungeun sputtered, managing to weakly pat the small girl’s back, “Nice to see you too.”

I had an abrupt, extremely frustrating realization. We hadn’t at all factored in Yeojin’s presence, and I absolutely did _not_ trust Yeojin with anything that could even slightly resemble sensitive information, so she’d have to be left in the dark. But that would also mean that if Haseul and Sooyoung tried to leave Jungeun and I alone, she wouldn’t take the hint and would stick around. Uh-oh.

I think Haseul came to a similar realization, because she briefly locked eyes with me and furrowed her brow in dismay. I pursed my lips, wondering just how poorly this night was actually going to go.

In short, my prediction was absolutely correct. Haseul and Sooyoung made three separate attempts to get us alone, and nearly all of them were thwarted by Yeojin.

  
The first was while we started to watch TV in the living room. Haseul turned on some mindless show and Sooyoung made sure Jungeun and I sat next to each other on the couch, but Yeojin suddenly barged in and sat directly between us. That on its own wouldn’t have been a problem, but when Haseul got up to leave the room and “make cookies” with Sooyoung, when she asked Yeojin to come and help the two got into an unanticipated fight about responsibility that resulted in Yeojin being even more adamant of staying in the room with Jungeun and I.

Yeojin was also annoying good at dominating any and every conversation. We could be talking about something she wouldn’t have the slightest clue about, and she would always without fail find a way to insert herself. My patience was already starting to wear thin. Jungeun was trying her hardest to start meaningful conversations with me, asking things about my time playing piano and what sorts of things I liked to do in my spare time, Yeojin would just but in somehow. Jungeun seemed annoyed too, at the very least.

The second attempt was when Haseul offered that we play board games in the dining room. We all sat down at the table, and then Haseul (poorly) pretended as if she couldn’t find the games anywhere, and that they may be in the attic. In an attempt to prevent Yeojin from ruining everything again, she tried to drag her up to help look, but Yeojin resisted the attempts and found the “missing” board games in their rightful spot. Sooyoung had nearly groaned audibly at that one.

After a few unnecessary games of Jenga, Sooyoung decided to make the final attempt. She briefly left the room and stepped onto Haseul’s porch, only to exclaim that it was “so nice out!” and that we should all go into the backyard. Haseul lived in the more rural outskirts of the city where there were actually a lot of trees, and her backyard was on the edge of some woods. It was dark by that point but Sooyoung hadn’t lied - it _was_ incredibly nice out. Yeojin followed us, but Sooyoung stealthily whispered to me that she had a plan.

“Guys, we should stargaze! Look, it’s so pretty!” She pointed up at the night sky, where numerous stars were shining brightly. The moon was out too, almost full.

Jungeun seemed particularly on board with that idea, “Yeah, that’d be awesome. At my place we don’t have a really good view of the sky, we’re sort of in downtown and the big buildings block out most of it.” She pushed some of her hair out of her face and the gesture made my knees feel weak.

Haseul then did something that confused me, “Ah, you guys go ahead, I’m actually gonna go in - I have to record something on TV.”

Yeojin gasped, “What?? No you can’t, my shows are taping right now!” Haseul said nothing, instead smirking and rushing back into the house. Yeojin chased after her, enraged, “Don’t you dare!! It’s the finale!!”

Sooyoung shot me a quick look before saying, “Hold on, I’ll try and mediate. Don’t wait up, you two!” She headed back inside, shutting the sliding door. I heard her lock it.

Now that the two of us were actually alone for the first time all night, the air got that familiar weight and density to it. We looked at each other for a few seconds and exhaled simultaneously, as if there was some sort of mutual relief once the others were gone. She smiled before heading down the porch steps and onto the grass. I followed, entranced by the isolated setting and the way that she walked.

We both laid down on the grass not far from each other, staring up at the stars. The only sound was of quiet crickets chirping and the occasional clinking of windchimes from a neighboring yard. When a breeze would blow, some of the leaves would rustle on the nearby trees. Although this relaxing environment did help with my nerves, it didn’t relieve them all the way. Jungeun was still right next to me and I could also hear the steady sound of her breathing.

“Do you ever get homesick?” She spoke up suddenly, her voice nearly a whisper. It was like she didn’t want anyone to overhear us. Her tone sort of reminded me of how you’d talk at a sleepover when you were up past your bedtime and you didn’t want your parents to know.

The question caught me off guard, and I was unsure of how I should answer, “Um, yeah, sometimes. I think anybody would if they were so far from home.”

She shuffled around slightly, “Does it ever make you sad?”

My hands were resting atop the grass, and I started to nervously fiddle with and pick at the blades to calm myself down. Surprisingly it was working, “I wouldn’t necessarily describe it as ‘sad.’ It’s sort of more like, when you miss something. You’re not all the way sad, because you remember when things were happy there.”

She hummed inquisitively, reaching and resting one of her arms behind her head. I glanced at her in my peripheral vision, absolutely starstruck by her profile. She really was gorgeous.

She sighed lightly, “I don’t think I’ll miss home when I go away for school.” She sounded... different than normal. Almost sad.

My brow furrowed in concern mixed with curiosity “What do you mean?”

She paused before responding, leaving me in suspense, “I dunno. I’m excited to get away from home, so I wouldn’t miss it right?” The question seemed less rhetorical and more genuine, like she actually wanted a concrete answer.

What she said was confusing me, “Um... what do you mean you won’t miss it? What about all your friends? That’s the thing I miss the most about home.” Where we were was just making me feel even more susceptible to deep, meaningful conversation. I was having less and less hesitation about opening up and I wasn’t filtering myself or carefully wording my responses. I think she was experiencing something similar because I’d never heard her talk like this before.

She shuffled around on the grass, “Well of course I’ll miss _them_. That wasn’t really what I was talking about.”

Something clicked in my brain, “Oh, you mean your family.” She nodded slightly. The weight to the air felt like it was creating a physical pressure on me, like I was sinking into the ground, “I’m guessing things are complicated with them?” I didn’t want to pry, but it seemed like she was offering it up. Maybe she wanted to talk about it?

She sighed, pursing her lips, “I mean... everyone’s family is at least a little complicated.”

“Yeah...” I glanced at her again. She seemed pretty transfixed on the stars, and they reflected in her eyes, making them seem like they were sparkling. It was getting harder and harder to look away.

“For me, it’s just my parents that are the difficult part...” Her brows were knitted together, as if she was in deep thought. I wished more at that moment than I ever have that I could read minds.

“How so?” My curiosity was too intense to not at least try and get some more information. I made a mental note to drop the topic altogether if she even slightly expressed discomfort.

She chuckled, but the sound lacked its usual warmth. It was hollow. Maybe even bitter, “That’s... a long story. Let’s just say that they view parenting as more of an unfortunate chore than anything else.” She said that so flippantly, like she didn’t care and never would expect me to either. But I did care. My heart twinged with empathy and what I think may have been protectiveness.

I wasn’t sure what to say, “I’m sure that’s not true...”

She scoffed under her breath, “You don’t know my parents.”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that, so I just went quiet.

The silence didn’t last long. She turned on her side to completely face me, “I don’t want to talk about this, though.” Her tone shifted back to one that conveyed much less sadness, “You said you miss your friends the most - you mean like your friends from high school?”

I took a slightly deep, measured breath - the fact that she was looking directly at me making those same butterflies come back. I was scared match her gaze, instead staring straight up at the stars, “Yeah. It wasn’t like I had a ton - not like you - but they were good, uh, _are_ good,” I corrected myself, “I keep using the past tense like we aren’t even friends anymore.”

She edged slightly closer on the grass, “How was high school for you? Overall, I mean?”

That was a pretty loaded question, and I smiled a bit just from how genuinely interested she sounded in what I considered to be such a mundane topic, “Uh, jeez, I dunno... high school was, yaknow, high school I guess. It’s not the best time for anyone, but I don’t view it as the absolute worst period of my life like some people.”

The wind chime blew slightly as a light breeze brushed past us. It brought the scent of her perfume to my nose, and my heart fluttered at the unexpected smell of roses.

“It hasn’t been too bad for me either. I know I’m lucky to have so many good friends, though. They definitely help to get through it...” She trailed off, as if remembering something important. A knot was developing in my stomach. My nerves reached their peak when she edged closer again, eyes narrowed, “Did you ever date anyone?”

My stomach lurched at the unanticipated question and I remembered what Sooyoung had told me the other day in our room: that there were opportunities presented where I could slip Jungeun hints about being gay. I just still didn’t feel ready or certain enough, though. I was experiencing the same sort of thing that happened whenever I considered telling Haseul about my confusing feelings for Jungeun - it felt as if my throat was closing up, and whenever I did try to force the words out they’d get caught there and wouldn’t come out.

So I just had to stick to the past, and the people I _used_ to think I was attracted to. It wasn’t lying, I was just leaving out some relevant information, “Yeah, I dated a few guys. They were really just flings that I did because my friends were all dating so I thought I was supposed to.” I laughed slightly at my own reasoning, “Wow that sounds stupid actually saying it out loud.”

She instantly disagreed, “No, no it’s not stupid, that’s basically what happened to me.”

I dared to look toward her at that comment but immediately felt my cheeks flood with warmth when I actually registered how close she was. Thankfully it was dark out, so maybe for once she wouldn’t be able to see how blatantly flustered I was, “Really? Who’ve you dated?”

She seemed to flinch at the question, our short lived eye contact broken on her behalf for once, “Nobody important. I’ve just had two on and off type things with guys but they never last long...” Her eyes moved to me again, and her hand rested on the grass just barely above mine. I held my breath, knowing that the slightest motion would brush our fingers together and being too paranoid about what that would imply to move a single inch, “I guess I haven’t found the right one yet.” The depth to her eyes was absolutely mesmerizing to me. It felt like they were pulling me in, pulling me toward her, and my other hand clung to the grass with white knuckles as if to keep myself in place.

“Well, there’s no rush. We’re both young.” I tried to reassure her, since her last statement had been tinged with disappointment. Her beauty was starting to totally overwhelm me so I nonchalantly brought my gaze back to the stars.

Another pause spread, though it wasn’t silent. For a fair while, we just let the ambient sounds of the night sort of immerse us in our surroundings. Jungeun turned to lay more on her back again, looking at the stars with me. This felt... it’s hard to describe, but I guess it was sort of like I was dreaming. None of this felt like it was really happening. I’d never stargazed with anyone before, I thought it was just something that people did in cheesy rom-coms. I never would have anticipated the unique, almost disembodied feeling that I had while I laid there with Jungeun in Haseul’s backyard.

I’d gotten so immersed in my own thoughts that when I felt her hand move gracefully along the blades of grasp to gently rest on top of mine, I almost physically jolted. I don’t know if it was mutual, but on my end it was as if a spark of pure electricity just shot through me, and not physically reacting was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

She finally spoke up again, her voice barely louder than a whisper, “Hey, I want to play a game with you.”

My hand that she wasn’t touching gripped the grass even harder. My nerves felt like they were eating me alive, but I somehow managed to keep my words steady, “What kind of game?”

She took an audible breath, “Well, I guess it’s not really a game. It’s just something I do when I want to get to know someone more.”

She had me thoroughly intrigued. My lack of a filter that this environment was giving me was almost starting to seem more like a curse than a blessing, because without thinking I commented, “I want to get to know you more...” In a drawn out, wistful tone.

Her head tilted to look at me but I stayed put. I think she could feel just how tense I was from the contact of our hands, “I’m gonna tell you a secret. And then you have to tell me a secret. They can be small, little things - I’m not asking for anything crazy. Okay?”

I nodded slowly, finding myself more curious than I’d ever been about anything. Jungeun probably had an infinite number of secrets to tell me, so part of this intense curiosity was just wondering which one she’d decide to disclose.

Her hand shifted - fingers curling slightly to more properly wrap around mine, though she seemed cautious. Hesitant almost, “I’m scared about the future.”

I felt my brow knit together and I turned my head to look toward her. I could tell that it was hard for her to be vulnerable like this, or to talk about these sorts of things, so the fact that she was doing it anyway was extremely touching.

“How come...?” I asked dumbly, my absolute enthrallment and infatuation creeping slightly into my voice.

Now she seemed to be the one too nervous to look back at me. She smiled, though it almost seemed as if it was done in spite. It was bitter and disingenuous, “I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I’m a Senior, so I have to start thinking about colleges, applying, considering how far I want to go, trying to coordinate with my friends to see if we can go to the same place...” She brushed some of her hair up and out of her face, sighing in frustration, “It’s just... so much is unknown right now and I want answers. Whenever I think about this stuff for too long, my chest gets so tight it feels like I can’t breathe.” Her voice got more and more quiet the longer she went on for, as if hoping some of her words would be too hard to hear and would just get caught up in the wind.

For the first time, I was the one to edge closer. The tone to her words and her concealed distress made me feel like I needed to protect her or help her in any way that I could, “I totally understand. I was in your shoes less than a year ago, and trust me - you figure things out sooner than you’d think. The answers might not necessarily be what you want to hear, but you’ll get them, and then you don’t have to wonder.” She pursed her lips at my response, seeming dissatisfied. I kept talking, desperate to help her somehow, “But hey, look at me: I’m miles upon miles away from home - the only place I’d ever lived, and the only people I’d ever known. But I’m doing just fine. I’ve made new friends, I’ve met _you_ ,” She finally glanced over at that, but couldn’t seem to maintain the eye contact and looked away again, “I’m having tons of fun and I’m excited to experience all of these new things in this new place. Sure it might not be the same or what I’m used to, but that doesn’t mean that it’s bad.”

She took a deep breath and cleared her throat, almost as if she was trying to compose herself, and my concern felt like it was going to completely consume me, “It’s not even just college, though. I’m scared about even further off. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, aren’t I supposed to know that by now...?” Her voice was weak and I hated it. I hated seeing her this distraught.

“What do you mean, I thought you wanted to go into cosmetology?” I made sure to speak as softly and calmly as possible. I just wanted her to smile again - a real smile. Her bitter one had faded, allowing the full extent of how upsetting this topic was to her to show in her expression.

She scoffed, shaking her head back and forth, “I _do_ , but like... can I actually get a job with that?”

“Yes! Yes Jungeun, you absolutely can--”

“Will my parents actually let me go to school for that?” Her voice trembled and almost broke on the last word. I think this was the first time she’d ever confessed just how worried she was about all of this, and she probably hadn’t even expected to. Her eyes were glistening in the moonlight and I just prayed that it wasn’t because of tears.

I realized then what most of this concern was likely rooted in. It all went back to her parents, to her complicated family that she hadn’t wanted to talk about. Even if she didn’t want to, I had a creeping suspicion that she _needed_ to. If she was keeping this much bottled up, it was all going to burst at some point.

As if on instinct, without giving it much thought, I tightened my grip on her hand. It had started to subtly shake. My heart felt like it was breaking, “I’m... Jungeun I don’t really understand your relationship with them, but if you just talk to them, if you try and explain that you’re passionate about it, will they really still turn you down...?” She was nodding, as if she didn’t trust her ability to speak anymore, “Well... is there anything else you might be able to go to school for that you’re interested in? What is it that they want you to do?”

With her free hand, she briefly covered her eyes, sniffling very slightly, “They want me to be a professor. Or a doctor. Or a lawyer. They know I get good grades, so if I told them that all of that meant nothing and I wanted to go into makeup, they’d...” She let out another bitter chuckle, “God, they’d probably just straight up disown me.”

I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea that her parents were so harsh, or that they were so hard on her, and I could absolutely tell she wasn’t even telling me the full extent of it. The only thing I could think to do was gently brush my thumb along the back of her hand. Just once. My nerves were coming back as I actually realized and processed that we were holding hands, and it made my abruptly gained confidence dwindle back down to nothing.

Surprisingly, it seemed to help. Her breathing that had gotten a bit unsteady started to return to normal, and she quickly removed her hand from her eyes. She wiped at her cheek that was out of my view and I wondered if a tear had actually fallen. God I hoped not. My chest felt empty and hollow at all of this new information, I didn’t know what to do with this.

She moved - turning to be fully on her side again and looking at me. Her confidence seemed to return just as mine vanished altogether, and her fingers moved to fully intertwine themselves with mine, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think I’d go on for so long...”

“You don’t have to apologize.” I responded firmly, getting hopelessly lost in her eyes again.

She smiled and it was a real one this time, “It’s your turn now. And your secret definitely does _not_ have to be as intense as mine.”

I stared straight at her, letting myself look without trying to police myself or not seem to obvious. I went quiet, getting lost in her eyes and just letting it happen this time. Her smile slowly faded.

I had so many secrets I could tell her. So many. Almost all of them had to do with her, or my confusing identity that I may or may not have even discovered because of her. My mind started to buzz, trying to analyze whether or not I should say a real secret, make one up, mention something minor that didn’t really hold any weight, or what.

But then something suddenly slipped out.

“You make me so nervous.”

My voice trembled and I confessed that so quietly I was honestly unsure if she heard it. But her face changed. Her grip on my hand loosened for a second before returning even tighter than before. As soon as I admitted my nerves out loud, they only seemed to get worse. I started to shake, and she must have felt it.

“Wh--”

_“Jinsollie!!”_ A familiar though infuriating voice cut through all of the calming ambience and made the dense, heavy air totally dissipate. As if coming back to earth, I quickly drew my hand away from her and got to my feet, beet red at this point.

I couldn’t believe I’d actually admitted that. I’d just gotten caught up in the moment, I hadn’t been thinking. I didn’t want her to know that. I mean, it was already pretty evident from how I’d always been acting, but I didn’t need to outright tell her.

Yeojin was leaning out the doorway, Haseul’s arms wrapped around her waist as she tried and failed to tug her back inside the house. Sooyoung was visible rolling her eyes behind the two, seeming to have given up. Hell, they managed to get Jungeun and I a solid ten or so minutes together, so I owed them my life.

My heart skipped a beat when Jungeun loosely clasped my hand again to get my attention. I couldn’t help but jump slightly in surprise, looking toward her. She said nothing, since Yeojin had escaped Haseul’s grasp and was breaking free to race toward me for some reason. Instead, she shot me this... _look_. It’s impossible to describe, but I could just... see so much there. It took my breath away, _again_. God, she could do that so effortlessly. I wonder if she knew that now.

Yeojin frantically grabbed both of my hands once she finally reached us, breaking the grip between Jungeun and I in the process, “Jinsol! Haseul says that you’re going home for break!! That’s soon! What do you mean you’re going - you should stay and live with us for it! That’d be so fun, it’d be like the ultimate slumber party!”

I smiled slightly at her, the blush in my face starting to calm down, “No, Yeojin break is like a month long. I can’t just live here.”

She pouted, “Says who?? Mom and dad love you, they wouldn’t say no!”

Haseul caught up to her, her hair disheveled. There had clearly been some sort of struggle in an effort to keep Yeojin contained, “Yeojin-ah, c’mon, Jinsol has to go _home_ during break, what about her parents? How many times do I have to explain it to you??”

Jungeun raised an eyebrow at me, “You’re going home...?”

I glanced at her, “Um, yeah, break is in a week or two.”

She nodded in understanding, “For like, a month right?”

Sooyoung emerged from inside, “Yep. I’ll be gone too, but I’m only like twenty minutes away - not four hours.”

“Four hours, right...” Jungeun looked so upset, though she tried to conceal it with her usual charm. Her arms crossed, “Damn that’s far! Jeez, what a bummer. I was just starting to get used to you and now you’re gonna be halfway across the country.” She joked, all the while giving me that same look from before.

Yeojin whined, “Nooooo, Jinsol! You should stayyy, I’m gonna miss you!”

Haseul groaned in frustration before heading back inside. Sooyoung gestured to the rest of us, “Come on guys, it’s getting cold out - we should go in.”

The last half hour or so that we all stayed went by pretty fast after that. Yeojin maintained her role of the loud, bothersome little sister, but now that I’d officially gotten my alone time with Jungeun it wasn’t frustrating me nearly as much. No matter how much she sometimes annoyed us, you couldn’t help but love her.

Her question about my leaving was the first time anyone had brought it up so directly, and it made me realize that I was gonna be separated from all of my new friends in what seemed like no time. Although I’d get a chance to see some friendly faces back home, it was going to be weird. Leaving one group to go to another, and then doing the same thing a month later - it was like I had two lives or something.

It was while we were all sitting on the couch that Jungeun’s phone started to ring. She excused herself from the room and answered it, speaking quietly. Sooyoung was closest to the door and shot me a look implying she planned on eavesdropping, though she definitely didn’t have to.

Jungeun came back in shortly after, “Ah, sorry guys but I’ve gotta run.”

Yeojin leapt out of her seat that was previously Haseul’s lap, “What?? Why?! It’s only like 10, that’s early!!”

Jungeun shrugged, “My parents called, they want me home...” Her eyes flitted to me for a second, and with the new information I’d received about her parents in the yard, I found myself getting worried. Were they mad at her for something? Was she in trouble, and she was just sugarcoating it for us?

I stood up, taking a message from the way that she looked at me, “I’ll walk you to the door.”

Haseul and Sooyoung stayed put, while Yeojin did shoot up to trap Jungeun in a quick hug. Sooyoung made sure to brush her hand against mine, sort of as a wordless sign of “nice job” as I walked past into the hallway.

Jungeun didn’t say a single word as we headed toward the door, and I was just getting more and more paranoid all the way. Was I presuming things by doing this? Was it weird? Was the host supposed to do this, not another guest? My stomach was in absolute knots. I got there first and held the door open for her. She stepped outside but turned around to face me, her expression frustratingly unreadable.

I dared to speak, in an effort to sort of clear the air that had started to reacquire that heaviness it got when she was around, “Um... thanks for coming, it was really--”

My words were cut off when she surged forward and wrapped me in her arms. I tensed, and I think I even gasped aloud, my face flooding with heat again. The feeling of her body flush against mine like this was totally overwhelming, but it also... I don’t know how to describe it without saying that it just felt... right?

After a second or so, my posture relaxed and I cautiously hugged her back, all the while feeling as if this whole situation would just dissipate into a dream at any second. As soon as she felt me relax, her grip tightened, bringing us even closer. She was warm and soft, and her hold on me made me feel so indescribably content that I couldn’t help but smile slightly. She pressed her face into my shoulder right as her breaths started to sound uneven. I couldn’t tell why. Her hands moved, slinking around my lower torso. My back arched into the gesture as if automatically, and I felt her fingers curl slightly against me. My heart was beating so fast and so hard I wouldn’t have been surprised if she could feel it.

I was really uncertain that I’d actually be able to let her go, and the sentiment seemed mutual. Neither of us pulled back. We just stood there, caught up in this embrace for what must’ve been a solid minute. We didn’t say anything or even move again, just held onto one another. It was during that minute that I felt myself come to a revelation.

I absolutely had feelings for this girl. There was no chance of denying it anymore. Nothing else could explain the butterflies consuming my chest, the way that she made my whole brain seem to shut down and go into overdrive at the same time, the way her smile and her voice made my heart race, or the seemingly unreal extent of emotions that I was going through from just a simple hug.

Finally, her grip loosened, and I followed suit. Although it seemed to take a lot of effort on both sides, we broke apart. I tried desperately to scan her face, to try and see if that had affected her as much as it affected me. She seemed taken aback, almost.

“Uh, sorry,” She started to apologize when the absolute last thing she should’ve been doing. Maybe she hadn’t anticipated doing that in the first place?  
  
“For what?” I asked her, making my voice as comforting and soft as possible.

She blinked rapidly, smiling slightly. I think she was surprised at herself, “I just um... that was a lot.” My lips parted to further reassure her, but she didn’t give me a chance, “Hey, listen, I want to see you again before you leave.”

I nodded instantly, “Yeah of course. I’m gonna be kinda scrambling to get things ready and finish up school things, but--”

“--I’ll make time for whenever you’re free. You’re my priority right now, honestly.” She seemed to say that without thinking, because she tensed up after that last part left her and she pursed her lips, as if trying to take it back. Her cheeks lit with a slight blush. My heart was pounding.

I giggled, “Alright, well then I’ll probably see you soon.”

She just nodded, tugging her car keys from her pocket and spinning them smoothly around her finger, “I’m holding you to that.”

I stood in the doorway, watching as she got into her car. She waved at me with a broad smile before pulling away from the sidewalk and driving off down the street.

I was ambushed by Sooyoung as soon as I’d shut the front door as she pelted me with questions spoken in a hushed whisper, “What did she just _say???_ You’re her ‘priority’?!!?! Jinsoul that was the _gayest_ thing I have _ever_ heard and if you try to say that wasn’t I’m going to beat your ass right now--”

Haseul poked her head around the corner and rushed over to us, “How did it go?? Are you guys better friends now do you think?”

Sooyoung glanced knowingly at Haseul for a moment before repeating the question, “Yeah, are you guys better friends?” She shot me a wink and I glared slightly at her.

I didn’t know what we were.

But I definitely hoped it’d be something better than friends.


	6. One-on-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungeun takes initiative and invites Jinsol to her house - alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****_\_

I was quickly gathering up my things and shoving them into my backpack since I was already running late for my study session with Kahei at the Roost. Jungeun had mentioned she was working earlier on over text, so I thought it’d be nice to stop by and surprise her. Just as I was zipping up my fully loaded backpack, Sooyoung suddenly burst through the door that I’d left slightly ajar in all of my rushing.

“Good, you’re here.” She daintily placed her purse on her dresser as she shrugged off her jacket, “I was thinking about you and Jungeun’s situation all class and I want to tell you what the next step of this process has to be:” She clapped her hands together once, only then seeming to notice that I was on my way out, “No no no, you need to sit and listen.” Her expression changed, “Unless you’re leaving to see her?”

I sighed, “Um, sorta, I was heading to the Roost to go study with Kahei--”

“Great, then you can listen to me for a second--” She moved, grabbing me by the shoulders and forcibly sitting me down on my bed, “--I know you’re scared. I know you’re still super nervous around her, and I get that.” She stared straight into my eyes intensely, “But you _need_ to hangout with her alone now.”

My chest tightened slightly. It wasn’t like what she said surprised me, I sort of already knew in my own head that the natural progression to things would be to actually spend time with her one-on-one. The concept of that was what scared me, though. I was scared of so many things. What if something unintentional slipped out again, like that night we were stargazing? What if she brought up the secret I’d told her and tried to ask follow-up questions about it? I highly doubted my ability to believably lie to Jungeun, and I also doubted that she’d just let something go if she was genuinely curious about it.

“I know...” I grumbled out dismissively.

“Don’t use that tone with me!” She wagged her finger playfully, “If you knew that already, then why don’t you go for it? She told you herself that the ball is in your court - _you’re_ the busy one, so it’s up to you to make the plan, or at the very least let her know when you’re available.”

I sighed heavily in defeat, “I _know_... but I’m worried. Like... what’ll we do? Should it be a specific plan of going somewhere, so we have something to talk about? Or should it be casual? If it’s too specific will it seem like I’m asking her on a date?” My questions just kept tumbling out of me, one after another.

“Whoa whoa, you’re _way_ overthinking this.” Sooyoung tried to insist, “I know from experience that the more emphasis you put on things, the less natural they seem, and this stuff _needs_ to feel natural. I know I pressure you - and you should listen to me because I know what I’m talking about - but don’t do _anything_ if you don’t feel like you’re ready yet or things won’t feel natural.”

I hadn’t planned on talking about this, and I really did have to go, but now Sooyoung had managed to bring to mind all of the things I’d been consciously trying to ignore. Time was running short. There were only five or so days before I had to leave for break, I’d even already semi-started to pack. I didn’t plan on breaking the promise I’d made (and repeatedly remade, over text) to Jungeun, so I needed to see her again, but did that need to be alone? Couldn’t it be in another group setting? Maybe Yerim would want us over again or something.

Sooyoung spoke again unexpectedly, “Look, would you rather I give you an example?” I raised an eyebrow at her, intrigued, and she continued, “Take Jiwoo and I.” My ears pricked up at the mentioning of the name.

_Oh damn it._ I’d completely forgotten to stealthily interrogate Sooyoung about her intentions with that poor girl, and it’d been a while. She’d even given me her number so I could drop the details on her once I got them. Despite my poor memory, Sooyoung may or may not be offering up those details right now, without prompting. I listened intently.

“When I asked for her number, that felt natural. I’d noticed how cute she was as soon as I saw her, and when she wouldn’t stop staring at me I knew she was interested. Natural. When we hung out the first time, it was a simple, small thing - we just sat in the quad on campus and talked about a bunch of different stuff, sort of just letting the conversation flow. That felt natural.” Her eyes moved from me for a second, and she seemed to pause out of consideration before continuing, “Okay, listen, don’t freak out on me when I talk about this next thing.” She held up a hand to me, as if worried I’d literally just stand up and flee the room.

“I won’t.” I reassured her, but hadn’t expected what she’d say.

She nodded once, seeming mildly unconvinced still, “Alright, well... the first time we kissed, I had to make sure it wasn’t forced or I might scare her off. She’s that type.” My whole body had turned into absolute cement as soon as she even said the word. _Kiss_. She noticed and made a slight gesture for me to calm down, “You should _never_ go for the kiss if you don’t think she’s ready for that. Never ever. Don’t ask outright, but you should just be able to tell. There are signs: If she starts looking at your lips more, if she pauses a lot before responding to you, and there’s a certain look that girls get in their eyes but you’re too new to catch it.”

My stomach was tying itself into knots because now I was unintentionally thinking about what would happen if Jungeun ever kissed me, and my skin was getting warm and those butterflies were coming back and it felt like I was going to explode. Sooyoung laughed slightly, “Jinsol you are so damn red right now.”

I grumbled a curse under my breath, reaching up and hiding my face in the collar of my shirt, “God, I am _never_ gonna be able to kiss her, are you crazy?”

She sighed happily, shaking her head back and forth, “Well who knows then, maybe she’ll kiss you.”

I squealed, eyes wide, the thought of that just... _ahhh._ She laughed some more at my turmoil, probably finding it endearing, but I felt like I was genuinely having a crisis.

“Why are you even talking about this??” I looked at her incredulously, “Do you actually think she might try to kiss me??” I’d started to whisper for some reason. It wasn’t like anyone was gonna hear us, but I was so nervous that my paranoia had reached its peak.

She shrugged earnestly, “I couldn’t tell you! And you probably couldn’t tell me either, cuz you haven’t even hung out one on one yet.” She seemed to be concluding her impromptu lecture, because she stepped back from me and started to go over toward her desk, “My honest bet? She won’t make any moves like that on the first hangout, but most definitely the second.”

Now I was pretty convinced she was just saying things to rile me up, and I was annoyed it was working so well. I just groaned in embarrassment, “Shut up...” She raised her hands up in mock-defense, and our conversation more or less seemed over, but it was then that I remembered my promise to Jiwoo. I took a deep breath, hoping that the change in the topic may help me get my mind off of... Jungeun doing anything like that with me, “So are you and Jiwoo dating?”

“What?” Her response was immediate and she sounded genuinely confused. I wasn’t sure as to why. Was she just startled that I’d even asked about her relationships? I’d never really done that before and sort of given her privacy in that regard, “Dating? Um... I’m not really sure. What do you mean by dating? Like are we going on dates?”

I got to my feet, knowing that I really should be going, “No, like, is she your girlfriend?”

She chuckled, shrugging again, “Ah jeez, I dunno. We’re just having fun. She’s great, I like her a ton, but we never talked about being exclusive.” She was puttering around on her side of the room, not even looking at me. I was silently grateful, because I was sort of surprised at how nonchalant she seemed about her relationship with Jiwoo. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected, but it hadn’t been this.

My brow furrowed, “Are you seeing other girls?”

She glanced at me over the shoulder for a second with an eyebrow raised, “Right now? Nah, I’m too busy. I’ll probably just stick to Jiwoo for a while, she’s really sweet.” I nodded, opening the door to head out just as she added, “Do you think I’d have a shot with Kahei?”

I scoffed, looking back at her, “Seriously??”

“What? She’s cute.”

I rolled my eyes and shut the door, making sure not to lock it.

***

I wound up being fifteen minutes late, and although I texted Kahei with a flood of apologies I was still plagued with guilt when I pushed open the door to the Roost and spotted her sitting by the window, looking quite bored. The place was busier than I’d ever seen it. All the tables were full, even the few stools at the far side of the counter were occupied. There was a consistent buzz of chatter that the shop usually lacked.

I quickly approached the table, and Kahei’s face brightened once she noticed me, “Sorry I’m so late! Sooyoung held me up, she wouldn’t stop talking.”

Kahei just smiled sweetly, “It’s alright. I like it here - it smells like coffee and frosting.” She’d ordered some small drink that sat, still steaming on the table.

Although I was listening to her, I couldn’t help but be distracted. I knew Jungeun was at the counter, but I couldn’t quite see her because of the line currently around three customers long. My foot started to tap impatiently, “Wait for me for another minute? I wanna order something quick.”

She nodded, reaching into her backpack as she started to pull out some books and papers, arranging them neatly on the table as she usually did.

The thought of seeing her in person again was making me nearly giddy. I kept bouncing slightly in place as I stood in the agonizingly slow line, wondering what lipstick she was wearing today and if she’d be just as happy to see me as I was to see her. She wasn’t even visible yet and I was already grinning to myself at nothing.

Finally, I was up next, and I could hear her voice as she took the guy in front of me’s order. She had on a different, more stilted tone that I assumed she only used when at work, but it was then that I realized she’d never once used it on me. Not even when we’d first met, and I essentially _was_ just a customer. My heart fluttered.

The guy was tall and had broad shoulders, so his figure fully concealed me from her view. I took my chance and did my best to tone down my excitement, not wanting to seem like a Yerim-ball of energy right off the bat. He ordered something I don’t remember before lumbering off to sit down, finally revealing her to me. She was busy still jotting down what he’d said hastily, her hand stiff from the tension of the steady stream of customers.

“Hi, what can I--” Her eyes finally moved up to look at me, and she stopped mid-motion, jaw dropped. After a second or so, a huge smile overtook her face and she practically dropped her notepad and pen to the counter, reaching forward with her now free hands and clasping one of mine, “Oh my God, hey!” I’d never heard her so elated. Surprising her had definitely been a good idea.

Her grip on me was tight and the unexpected contact already shot me straight to cloud nine, “Hi! I’m having a study date with my friend and figured I’d have it here to surprise you.”

She sighed heavily, “Well you came at the busiest part of the day, but _damn_ is it good to see you,” One of her coworkers - not Mingyu or Jiwoo this time - nudged her with his elbow in an attempt to get her attention but she totally disregarded it, “You’re getting your drink for free today, don’t even try to protest.” Reluctantly her hands drew away, and it took conscious effort on my part not to tighten my grip as soon as she started to pull back.

I nodded, “I’m over by the window, if you wanted to stop by and chat for a sec once things clear up.”

She playfully raised an eyebrow at me, “I thought you had to study?”

I waved dismissively at her, “I can study whenever. You’re my priority right now.” I threw her own words back at her from Hasuel’s, hoping she’d remember them.

Apparently she did, because she actually blushed slightly and looked away for a second or two. It was so rare for me to actually manage to make _her_ blush instead of the other way around, so I made sure to revel in the moment. She laughed lightly at herself, “Um-- I’ll try to come over, yeah. Lemme make your drink, go, sit down.” She waved me off and I just smiled and did as she said.

Kahei was waiting patiently for me again, already diligently scanning the textbook and taking neat, color-coordinated notes. She barely even noticed me when I sat back down across from her, too immersed in her study-mode.

Something came to mind that I hadn’t thought to ask, “Hey Kahei, are you going all the way home for break?” I took out my school things too, always mildly embarrassed at how less organized they were when side-by-side with hers.

“Hmm?” She snapped out of her focused state, finally looking up at me, “Oh, yes. I’m looking forward to it, it feels like it’s been so long since I’ve seen my parents.” She idly stirred her drink, looking out the window onto the street thoughtfully. Clouds had started to gather, it looked like it may rain.

Kahei and I had gotten to be pretty good acquaintances over the semester - we studied together almost twice a week, and we usually talked about small things while we did so, but I never felt like we actually got into anything meaningful. I still felt like I knew next to nothing about her. Haseul probably knew her better than I did by this point.

Disregarding whether or not the sudden question would jar her, I decided to ask, “Have anyone special waiting back home?”

She wasn’t startled, only seeming confused. Maybe I’d worded it strangely and she didn’t understand the Korean, “Special?” The meaning only then seemed to click, “Oh, you mean like a boyfriend!” She smiled nervously, “No no, nothing like that. I have some good friends back home, though.”

I nodded slowly and tried briefly to picture Kahei dating anyone. It seemed weird to me, she just seemed too small and innocent to date anyone. I _definitely_ couldn’t even begin to picture she and Sooyoung together. That’d be like a cat dating a mouse. I wondered if Sooyoung had said that comment seriously or if she was just teasing. I also wondered what I was supposed to tell Jiwoo, and if the information I’d gotten from Sooyoung would be considered bad or good news.

“What about you?” Kahei asked, gracefully twirling her pink pen in her small hand. I looked back at her, confused due to the mental tangent I’d gone on, “Do you have anyone special?”

As if on cue, a particular blond suddenly parted the thinning crowd of customers and made a beeline toward our table, muttering “excuse me”s and “pardon me”s adorably along the way. When she finally reached us, she let out a quick breath before gently setting down my cappuccino with the usual heart carved into the foam. She leaned forward, both of her hands on the table, staring dead at me in a way that gave me chills.

“Listen,” Her tone was surprisingly firm and lacked any trace of her usual snark, “I don’t care if you’re busy. You’re leaving in like, what, four days? That’s _soon._ ” My lips parted to respond, but she held up her hand and I shut right up, “Come to my house tonight. Just hangout with me this one time and I swear I’ll stop bugging you and let you be a good student.”

Okay, that was a lot. I wasn’t sure what to say. I _did_ have a paper due the next day at noon, but I could do that in the morning. That wasn’t my biggest concern. It was that I was still so scared and nervous. But she’d just invited me, and she’d sounded bordering on desperate. Hell, even if I wanted to, how was I supposed to say no to that?

For teasing’s sake, I decided to leave her hanging for a bit though, “Actually I’m leaving in _five_ days...” She did not appreciate that at all, glaring at me. I smiled, “But you’re right, that’s still soon. Okay, I’ll come over.” It seemed like she absolutely deflated from the relief my answer gave her, “Just text me the details and stuff.”

Her coworker called over to her in irritation, the line having returned in full force. She looked back at him before reaching to briefly clasp my hand again, giving it a quick squeeze, “I’ll see you later!” I watched, starstruck as she went back to the counter and got to work.

Kahei seemed confused again, “You know that barista girl?” I forced myself to look away and be a part of the conversation, “She’s always really nice to me whenever I come in.”

“Yeah, I know her.” Right on time, those butterflies were back, but I felt something else building up in me too. It caught me off guard, but out of nowhere I suddenly knew I was gonna have to say it, or I’d just explode. Kahei was nice. She was safe, reliable, and a good friend. She wasn’t going to react badly, and I just needed to say it.

“Kahei, I am _so_ gay.”

She blinked hard, looking like a deer in headlights, “Um, what?”

I’d finally said it out loud, I’d finally actually told someone. I hadn’t even definitively said it to Sooyoung, I’d just danced around it and implied it but I’d never flat out _said_ it. It was as if this huge burden just lifted from my shoulders that I hadn’t even known I’d been carrying. I felt so much lighter, like I could actually breathe. I couldn’t help but smile, at what, I’m not even sure.

“I’m gay,” I repeated, not surprised when it was much easier to say the second time, “I am just... _really_ gay, and I haven’t told anyone before, but I am, I like girls, _god_ I like girls...” It was only then that I realized how much I was suddenly confessing to Kahei with absolutely no warning. The poor girl seemed absolutely shocked, eyes wide, jaw dropped, and for a few dragging seconds I found myself wondering if maybe she wasn’t the best person to first come out to.

It took her a bit, but eventually she seemed ready enough to respond, “Oh! Okay, cool.” She nodded a few times. I could see her actively trying to process all of the new information, “Is this... new?” She seemed to be carefully searching for words but was having an uncharacteristically hard time. I don’t think she’d ever been told something so significant and had to respond appropriately in Korean before, so she didn’t want to mess it up.

I let out a long exhale, leaning back further into my chair, “Kinda... I realized toward the start of the semester.” My eyes flitted to Jungeun, who just gave a customer a dazzling smile that almost gave me goosebumps. Jesus she was _so_ gorgeous.

Kahei hummed inquisitively, resting her head on her hand, “Was it Sooyoung?”

The question confused me, “What do you mean?”

“Who made you realize?”

“Oh!” Now it was my turn to be startled and flustered, “No no no, she just happens to be gay too. No correlation. Just coincidence.” I made sure to state that very firmly. Sooyoung was sort of starting to seem like some kind of notorious lesbian player, and if word got out that I was gay too _and_ her roommate, it would only make sense for people to assume, “It was actually uh,” I pointed discreetly toward Jungeun, “Barista girl.”

Kahei’s shocked expression had faded to simply seeming mildly stunned, and she glanced over as well, “Ah, I see. She’s really pretty.” I nodded in agreement, finding it harder and harder to look away from her the longer I stared. My breath hitched slightly when Jungeun actually did a quick scan of the shop, met my eyes, and shot me a wink, “Does she like you too?”

That was a loaded question that I would also most definitely like the answer to, “I’m not sure. Maybe I should ask her.” I added on sarcastically, knowing I would absolutely never do that in my life.

“Well, she just asked you out on a date.” She muttered knowingly, her volume having lowered ever since we started talking about this. I think she was being overly conscientious about maybe not wanting to disclose my identity to anyone eavesdropping, which was sweet of her but unnecessary.

I couldn’t help but scoff, “Date? Nooo, that was just... yaknow, for a hangout thing.” I couldn’t tell if I was trying to convince myself or convince her.

She raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure? That seemed like...” She shrugged, “Maybe I’m wrong.” It was odd talking to someone who’d actually admit that they might be wrong. I think I’d been hanging around Sooyoung too often.

Kahei sighed lightly, reaching down and drawing a mindless spiral on the margins of her notebook. That was mildly out of character, I’d never seen her doodle anything before - she prided herself on her impeccable neatness, “Can I tell you something too...?” Her voice was timid and small, and she wouldn’t look at me anymore.

“Yeah, of course.” My curiosity was peaked.

She took a carefully measured breath, pursing her lips afterward. Maybe she felt like she could confess something big to me, since I’d just done so to her? I was literally on the edge of my seat, but tried not to look to outwardly eager, “I think...” She had started to blush, “I think I like boys _and_ girls.” One of her small hands moved to slightly cover her mouth, as if saying that out loud actually surprised her as well as me.

I was honestly flattered that she trusted me enough to reveal that, and damn was I surprised. I’d never expected so many people in my new life here to be gay or into girls at all. Back where I was from, all I could think of was one girl in my entire school who dated another girl for a day or two before they broke it off. Here it just seemed like a lesbian-palooza, and I mean I wasn't complaining, it was just startling. From the extent of her embarrassment and hesitation, I started to assume that this was the first time she’d told anyone this, and I was flattered.

I made extra sure to make my voice reassuring and calm, so she didn’t have to worry for a single second that I was going to reject her in any way, “Really?” She nodded very slightly, the motion barely noticeable, “That’s cool, have you told anyone?”

She giggled nervously, hiding her face more slightly behind her hands as her blush intensified, “I have now.” She continued to make small little pink doodles of spirals and hearts, maybe as a way to cope with how nervous she was. After taking another shaky breath, she finally looked at me, saw my soft smile, and quietly commented, “We should actually study now...”

After our session, instead of doing her usual courteous bow - which she had done ever since I’d met her - she timidly stepped forward and gave me a quick, stiff hug, seeming uncertain of all of her movements as she did so. It was unbelievably sweet, and I found myself smiling the entire walk back to the dorm.

***

Thankfully Sooyoung was out of our room for the rest of the day doing God knows what, so I didn’t feel obligated to tell her about my encounter with Jungeun or our plans. I had a feeling she’d try to give me some sort of mission debriefing on what I should and shouldn’t do at this first hangout, and that was the last thing I needed. I did take to heart one of her pieces of advice though: things should seem natural. I did my best to make that the focus while I tried on eight different outfits.

Natural. Was it natural to be this nervous? Was it natural to prepare so much? Probably not, but I felt absolutely unable to go into this interaction without an excessive amount of preparation. Already I started to make a mental list of conversation points I could bring up if things got dull. I even practiced my bow to her parents, if they were there, since just from the scarce information she’d given me, I was sort of scared of them now.

Not shortly after I got back to the room, Jungeun texted me with the address and time. When I put it into my phone, I realized it was gonna be a pretty long walk, but I’d be ok. The only issue was the anticipatory nerves I kept getting whenever I knew I’d be near Jungeun. Is this what it felt like when you actually liked someone? And I’d just never felt it before, so I wasn’t sure how to cope with them? I’d never actually liked any boys, and I’d never considered dating girls to even be an option until now.

_Shush._ My brain scolded myself, realizing that it was doing the thing where it got my hopes up, _You don’t even know if she likes you back. She’s probably straight, or she would’ve told you by now._ If Sooyoung could hear my thoughts she’d probably slap me, but thankfully she wasn’t there.

After a bordering on ridiculous amount of deliberation, I picked my outfit and did my makeup and hair accordingly. My chest was constricted from the stress I was feeling and I wished I could just be natural and calm like Sooyoung and Jungeun always seemed, but I didn’t have it in me.

The night already seemed to be taking a turn for the worse when I opened the door outside and saw the clouds starting to gather more intensely. They were dark and looming, but it hadn’t started to rain yet. I sighed, wondering if it would be worth it to go all the way back upstairs and hunt for an umbrella when I was already running late.

And thus, I made my first dumb decision of the night by leaving without one.

I’d made it roughly three fourths of the way there when the rain started to pick up. Initially it was just a drizzle, so I thought I’d be okay. Then the clouds seemed to get even darker, and a heavy roll of thunder felt like it shook the earth. That was when it started _pouring_.

I ducked under a nearby alcove, yelping slightly, but even from just those few seconds when I was exposed, I was soaked. _Are you kidding me?_ I tried to shake myself off but it really did nothing at all. I checked the directions on my phone. Her house was only a few streets over, but this rain wasn’t letting up. It wasn’t like I could cancel. That’d break her heart. And it really didn’t seem like I could wait here, hoping it would stop, because there wasn’t even the slightest sign of that.

More or less accepting my fate, I just kept heading to her house - increasing my pace but being too self-conscious to fully run. After what seemed like forever, I spotted her house number printed on a small placard adjacent to some stone steps. I’d finally made it, but jesus I was literally dripping wet. Should I just leave? The rain was cold, so it contrasted the heat that had come to my cheeks from how intensely embarrassed I was.

Although I reached her front door and was finally sheltered from the rain, I decided to text her before knocking.

_hey, i think i’m here but fyi i got drenched_

I didn’t get a response, but she read it almost immediately. I stood, clenching my fists tightly as I stood, stiff as a statue, so embarrassed I felt close to dying. I heard some sound coming from inside - footsteps along with some overlapping voices that were muffled.

Finally, something on the other side of the door unlatched, and it was opened up. Jungeun was there, smiling at first, but her expression changed instantly when she saw how absolutely soaking I was. I’d even created a small puddle from standing still on her doorstep.

“Jinsol, oh my God!” The concern and the slight tinge of pity in her voice just made me feel even stupider, although I was able to laugh a bit at the situation I found myself in, “What..? You didn’t have an umbrella??”

I shrugged, “I... it wasn’t raining when I left.”

She chuckled, “Oh no, you poor thing!” She reached forward, gently clasping my hand, “Here, come in, come in, I’ll get you something to dry off with.” Without giving me a chance to say another word, she led me inside. Her house was warm, which was much needed after how freezing I’d been. There was some clattering coming from what I saw was a kitchen, but Jungeun didn’t bother trying to introduce me to anyone - instead leading me straight up a flight of steps. Her grip on my hand was tight, and she hadn’t even flinched when she felt how wet it was.

The hallway the stairs led to was very nicely decorated, but I didn’t get much of a chance to look before being promptly tugged into Jungeun’s room. She released her grip on me finally, “Stay here for a sec, I’ll go get you a towel.”

I stood totally still, not wanting to so much as move for fear of dripping all over everything. Instead, I took this time to look around Jungeun’s room.

It was exactly how I would have imagined it to be. The walls were painted a muted, calming red, and they were lined with all sorts of pictures. Most of them were of her friends. I spotted Yerim-filled polaroids strung up on a string next to a neatly kept desk, as well as some that featured Jiwoo, Heejin and Hyunjin posing as a couple, and even Chaewon with Hyejoo - the latter looking happier than I’d ever personally seen her. Jungeun was only actually in a couple, and only ever alongside other people, but she was always absolutely beaming. Her desk had a bin full of various carefully separated types of makeup, and a mirror with a built in light. The bed was covered in numerous small, custom pillows and even a few scattered stuffed animals. They looked old - probably relics left over from childhood. One was an owl that was missing a button eye. A large window was adjacent to her bed, with curtains wide open to let as much light as possible in. The sun had practically set by this point, so now only the bulbs of street lamps lit up her room. The sound of rain pattering against the glass was oddly soothing, despite knowing that’s what had gotten me so irreparably soaked.

This room was definitely her safe place. I could instantly tell, because even I felt strangely safe and comforted from just being in here.

Her light footsteps came back down the wooden hall, creaking against a few of the floorboards, “Okay, here ya go.” She held out a soft looking towel to me which I took, starting to wipe myself down as she stared at me in awe, “I can’t believe you seriously walked all the way here without an umbrella,” She sighed, shaking her head back and forth, “Why didn’t you text me? I could’ve picked you up or something!”

I just took a deep, shaky breath, “I... I dunno, I wasn’t thinking.” My blush was pretty blatant at this point, and she just kept looking at me with intense empathy as I dried myself off, “God I feel really stupid...”

“No no no, shush,” She immediately pleaded, reaching forward and gently grasping me by my arms, “Please, don’t feel like that! It’s not your fault! _I_ feel stupid for not making sure you had a way here in all this rain.”

I smiled bitterly, but I was starting to feel my eyes stinging with tears. This was just not at all how I wanted this night to start, and despite what she said I felt like it was entirely my fault that any of this was even happening. I should’ve grabbed that umbrella, I should’ve asked Haseul or Jungeun for a ride, I should’ve waited in case the rain let up. I just took a quick breath, gently rubbing the towel against my nearly dripping wet hair with full knowledge that it would frizz up from doing so but not really having another option.

“Here uh,” She moved, letting me go, and went over to her closet. She rooted around for a second or two before coming back with a hoodie and a pair of fuzzy socks, “If you want you can change into these, I don’t think you want to stay in that wet stuff for the next few hours.”

My composure was thinning more and more, and I blinked rapidly as I tried to keep it together, “Right, yeah, uh... thanks.” My voice suddenly broke on the last word, so if she hadn’t been able to tell that I was a mess before, it was out in the open now.

Her brow furrowed, all traces of a smile leaving, “Hey... you don’t have to be so upset.” I nodded slightly but couldn’t meet her eyes, “I’ll leave the room, just open the door again when you’re done...” She stepped closer and actually reached up, placing her soft hand against my cheek to finally get me to look at her, “It’s okay, you’re okay, it’s just a little water. Everything’s fine.” Her thumb brushed against my cheek and my breath hitched slightly from the gesture.

She withdrew and headed out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her.

I changed quickly, and then the only thing that was still wet was my hair. After doing my best to dry it with the towel, it wasn’t dripping anymore, but it was frizzier than I’d ever have wanted it to be at that moment, and my makeup had run quite a bit from all the rain. Some of it had stayed on by nothing short of a miracle. I went over to Jungeun’s mirror and did my best to salvage what was there, but in my eyes at least, it was like I’d gotten hit by a truck.

I opened the door back up and Jungeun shot me a warm smile before coming in too, “So, I had a whole plan for us today where we would go the park and go get ice cream, but now...” She gestured toward the window that continued to be pelted relentlessly with rain.

“Awh, that’s too bad. Yeah this kinda came out of nowhere,” I watched her as she shut the door again and approached her bed, sitting on its edge. She patted the spot next to her, and just the thought of being that close already had my heart beating so fast and hard that it made my chest hurt.

It was only after I sat there that I really started to process this situation I was in and where I was. I was alone, with Jungeun, in her house, in her room. It was just us. She didn’t have to go back to work or take the next person in line’s order. Yeojin wasn’t going to come bursting through the door to interrupt whatever conversation we fell into. We were here. I’d somehow made it here.

The previous list of conversation points I mentioned having come up with was of course totally slipping my mind once I was actually in this environment. The air did that thing it always did and started to weigh down on me. I wondered if she ever felt it too, or if it was just on my end.

“So, since we can’t really go anywhere anymore, did you have any other ideas?” She adjusted her position on the bed, leaning against her headboard and crossing her legs.

“Uh, no, not really...? I’m up for anything, I’m just happy that I somehow made it here in one piece.” My hands were starting to tremble, the nervousness not lessening although at least I could talk to her coherently. That was definitely an improvement of how I’d been at the start of our whole relationship.

She smiled brightly at me and it was impossible not to smile back at her, despite all of my nervousness and lingering embarrassment, “Okay! Good, I’m glad you’re here too. Um... lemme think...” She started to look around her room for potential sources of entertainment.

“Well, what do you normally do with your friends when they come over?” I asked lightly, my voice still weaker than it would be normally.

Her eyes narrowed as she seemed to go deeply into thought, “Hmm... I mean, normally we go for drives or go out somewhere. There’s a lot to do in the city, but not in this weather. I guess when we’re home like this, Yerim really likes to play those like, super stereotypical party games that girls do.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Like what?”

“You know, stuff like truth or dare, would you rather, two truths and a lie, never have I ever,” As she listed them off, she started to seem more and more interested, “Actually, despite how dumb they are, it’s a pretty good way to get to know someone more...” Our eyes met and hers looked dark again. What else was there to know about me...? Honestly I didn’t feel like there was much, but as for her? I had a creeping suspicion I’d barely scratched the surface.

“Yeah, sure. Which one do you want to play?” I turned to face her more directly.

“Let’s do two truths and a lie. I’m assuming you know the rules?”

“I’ve been to enough dumb highschool parties to be pretty damn familiar with most of these games.” Those instances didn’t have such fond memories, though. They involved a lot more stilted social interaction, peer pressure, and trying to out-stupid each other.

Jungeun nodded, “Gotcha. Okay, I wanna go first!” She already seemed almost giddy to play, but I was pretty sure that she was gonna make this as hard as possible and that I was most definitely going to guess wrong. I listened closely. She counted every statement on her fingers as she made them, as if worried she’d lose track, “I’m a really good swimmer, I actually am not a big fan of pizza, and I have an older sister.”

Okay, all of that was pretty basic stuff, but that was the hard part, because any of it could be true. The one thing that just didn’t seem to match with Jungeun though, if I was forced to guess, was: “I’m pretty sure you actually _are_ a big fan of pizza. Pretty sure almost everyone is.”

She sighed in frustration, “Alright, you got me.”

I noticed the other two things, and one of them caught my attention, “You have a sister?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” She shrugged, as if that was the most flippant piece of information she ever could’ve passed onto me. My eyes briefly scanned the room again, and all of the polaroids on the walls, but I didn’t see anyone who matched the description of an older sister, or her parents, “She’s four years older, so she’s been gone at college for what seems like forever.” I had a feeling that, like her parents, she had a “complicated” relationship with her sister. Which also made me assume she didn’t want to talk about it.

I decided to at least attempt to pry, though, “What’s she in school for?”  
  


Jungeun sighed in exasperation, as if just thinking about her sister was exhausting, “She’s gonna be a _surgeon_ , wowww.” Her voice was practically dripping with sarcasm, and she even did a slight jazz hands gesture in an exaggerated show of excitement.

That was pretty intense, “Damn, that’s a really hard thing to study isn’t it? Is she super smart?”   
  


Jungeun laughed bitterly, “Yeah, I mean not by choice or skill. You can’t really afford to be dumb in this household.” Just when I tried to jump on that chance to talk more about her family, she cut it off with a deliberate topic change, “It’s your turn, c’mon.”

I made a mental note to try and stealthily bring this up again later, before wracking my brain to come up with random facts to actually use for the game, “Umm... I’m deathly afraid of snakes, I had tons of pet fish as I grew up, and uh... I’m a Gemini.”

She placed her hand on her chin, eyes narrowed at me. She verbalized her thought process for my benefit, “Hmm... you’re _definitely_ a Gemini, so that’s a truth. I’m gonna say... that you didn’t have pet fish.”

I was genuinely surprised that she got it wrong. I’d instantly assumed she’d see right through me, “Nope!”

She gasped in exaggerated anger, “What?? Damn, you aren’t scared of snakes? Who isn’t scared of snakes?? They’re terrifying!”

I just laughed at how upset she seemed with herself for not guessing correctly, “Nah, I’m more of an arachnophobe. Snakes are whatever.”

Jungeun wasn’t letting this go, “So you’re seriously telling me that if I dropped you into a room of snakes, you’d be 100% calm. Just sitting there, chilling, not even caring about them. Like if a snake _bit_ you, you’d just pat it on the head on be on your merry way?”

I scoffed, kicking her slightly to get her to stop her rambling, “Shut up! That’s not what I mean!”

“So then you’re afraid of snakes!” She adamantly insisted.

“No!” She groaned in frustration, practically ignoring me as I tried to explain myself, “I mean like, I don’t have nightmares about snakes, and snakes don’t sneak into your house and climb around on your walls all silent! Spiders are _way_ worse.”

“Oh my God, fine. Who has pet fish? That’s so boring.” She teased.

“No, fish are great! You’re just mad you guessed wrong.”

She scoffed, as if taking genuine offense, “Alright fine, it’s my turn.” Now that she was mad about guessing wrong, I knew she was gonna deliberately give me a really hard one just so I’d get tripped up, “I hated Yerim during Sophomore year, I... have written an entry into my diary every single day of high school, and um... one of my favorite places to go is amusement parks.”

Oh boy, this one was hard. One of them stood out to me immediately though, and I was pretty confident as I called out what I thought was the lie, “No one can _hate_ Yerim.”

She held me in needless suspense for a few dragging seconds before saying, “Well I sure did.”

“Are you serious?? How-- what?” Yerim was one of the most objectively likeable people I’d encountered in my life. Unless you were for some reason allergic to optimism, I genuinely couldn’t understand what Jungeun’s motivations could possibly be.

She chuckled slightly at the memories, “I was just some dumb Sophomore and I had that lame mindset where you just want to hate Freshmen because they’re Freshmen. Because Yerim is, well, Yerim, she was really popular and outgoing, so I hated her from afar and thought she was needlessly extra.”

That sort of made sense, but I was still shocked at the simple notion of anyone disliking Yerim, “Well I mean, she is pretty extra, but it’s harmless.”

“I know, and as soon as I actually exchanged like two words with her I realized I was being stupid...” She pointed dead at me abruptly, “You better not tell her this. It’d break her poor little heart.”

That was definitely true, Yerim didn’t necessarily have a thick skin because she never needed to develop one - nobody was ever mean to her, “Don’t worry, I won’t.” She gestured toward me emphatically again, moving me toward my turn, “Right, uh... I really like Yeri from Red Velvet, I'm a cat person, and the only sport I can even remotely play is badminton.”

Her brow furrowed, and she seemed to be having an extremely hard time with this one, “You played piano, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume you weren’t a sporty kid... um... your eyes lit up when you even said Yeri’s name, so I’m gonna assume that’s true too. So I guess you’re a dog person.”

I couldn’t help but smile broadly at the way she deduced all that, “You caught me.”

Her face lit up suddenly, “You like dogs??”

I feigned confusion, “Who doesn’t like dogs?”

“Do you have one??”

I nodded, pulling my phone from my pocket as I opened the custom album I’d made for occasions just like this, “She’s one of the things I miss most about home,” I found a good picture and showed it to her, feeling my heart swell at the adorable noise she made when she actually saw, “Her name’s Hayan.”

She placed a hand over her heart, “Oh, what a sweetheart!” She sighed lightly, “Ugh, I _love_ dogs. My parents would never let me get one, though.” She sounded so absolutely defeated. I hated that, it wasn’t like her.

Okay, she mentioned her parents and her dysfunctional family quite enough. Either she just wanted to tease me with bits and pieces of information, or part of her really did want to talk about it, otherwise she wouldn’t have brought it up so consistently. Really, as Sooyoung would’ve said, “the ball was in my court” and it was up to me to be more adamant about my questions. I was just so worried it’d make her upset again, like that time when we’d been stargazing. The absolute last thing in the world I wanted was for Jungeun to be upset in any way.

I changed my position, hugging my knees against my chest and resting my head atop them. She wasn’t looking at me anymore and was instead tracing her fingers absentmindedly along the patterns of her bedspread, as if lost in thought.

“Hey,” I spoke softly, snapping her out of whatever trance she’d briefly been sent into, “Can we talk about that?” That came out more bluntly than I’d intended, but it was too late to take it back now.

It was a bit too vague of a question for her to understand, “About what?”

Trying to be a bit more bold, I decided against backing down, “Your parents. I know you said it’s a long story, but we have time now.”

Some color seemed to drain out of her face at how direct and straightforward I was being. I don’t think she expected it at all, which was fair - this was unlike me. I could tell just from her expression that she was planning on deflecting the conversation, but I could also sort of tell that she was hesitant.

“Um... I dunno, they’re parents, what can you do?” Her words, although seeming as if they should sound sarcastic and flippant, lacked the usual sting. Instead they were hollow, bitter and weakly spoken.

I scooted closer to her on the bed, and those fingers previously ghosting across her blanket now gripped a handful of the fabric in a loose fist, “Jungeun...” She pursed her lips slightly, probably as she realized I wasn’t going to let this go, “Look, I know this isn’t gonna be the easiest thing to talk about, but I think you should at least try. It’s clearly bothering you.”

She maintained her poor attempt at deflection, even at this point - scoffing slightly at my insistence, “What? I wouldn’t say that it’s ‘bothering’ me, it’s... just how things are? Why would that bother me?” She seemed extremely adamant on not looking at me in the slightest. I think she knew that her will would totally break if she saw how empathetic my expression was.

I exhaled audibly, “If you already talk about this stuff with some other friend, then I’ll drop this. But if you don’t, if you keep this bottled up all the time, really all I want to do is help. I’m worried.” I added on that last part with mild caution, hoping I just seemed like a concerned friend and my deeper feelings didn’t accidentally seep through.

It was only when I actually mentioned dropping this topic that she seemed to react properly. As I started to scoot back to my previous spot, her hand shot forward and caught mine, and her eyes finally moved to me. There was something there, something that just seemed... _pained._ My heart wrenched at the sight and I knew she was going to have a lot to say.

I don’t think it’d be necessary to go into all of the gritty details she gave, but in summary, Jungeun’s parents were some of the coldest, impersonal, and distant ones I’d ever heard of in my life. There wasn’t any sort of abuse, or if there was it would be classified solely as emotional - though sometimes that did more damage than anything physical could. Jungeun didn’t get nearly as worked up as she had while we stargazed, but I could tell that she was actively fighting to keep it all in. Sometimes her voice would get strained, or she’d look away again, or she’d blink extra hard once or twice and take a few seconds of silence to keep her composure intact.

Essentially, her parents had ridiculously high expectations for her. Jungeun had concocted her own sort of theory as to why she was treated so poorly: her parents had only wanted one child, and even that was a stretch. Although they put considerable pressure on her sister as well, they also praised her for all of her accomplishments. Because Jungeun’s sister had wanted to become a surgeon of her own free will, they expected Jungeun to go into a similarly high-paying and demanding line of work, despite her not being even remotely interested in anything of the sort. They pushed her to get stellar grades and would brutally lecture her for hours on end whenever any of them dropped even the smallest amount. They would also withhold any sort of financial support from her, and whenever they would give her money they’d lord it over her for months, even years to come.

Some of the most egregious offenses she detailed to me were whenever she’d get an “unacceptable” grade (AKA anything less than an A) on a test or quiz, they would post it up on the fridge. Everytime Jungeun would pass by it or whenever she entered the kitchen, they would just wordlessly point at it, or make some passive-aggressive comment. Jungeun described those as “really stinging,” and refrained from elaborating any further. The worst thing she detailed to me was what usually happened around Christmas. Jungeun had been working hard ever since she was fourteen, and every cent of her paychecks went toward buying her own car. Surprisingly, her parents had agreed to help pay for half of the required payments, but not in any way that Jungeun had expected. Now, every Christmas instead of buying her presents, there would be a single, _wrapped_ envelope beneath the tree containing the required payment for her car, and that was all.

The whole time she was saying all this, I just sat and listened. And the more she talked, the more she seemed to have to say. It all just came tumbling out, these thoughts and these feelings that had been festering with no release for who knows how long. I nodded and I shook my head back and forth at her grievances, trying my best to empathize that this stuff was not okay or normal. I tried to validate her, reassure her, tell her that she _was_ smart and that she worked hard and deserved praise, but it seemed so ingrained in her not to accept compliments like that, she more or less brushed them off. It was so sad.

After what must have been over an hour of her detailing to me the intricacies of this horrid family dynamic, she stopped suddenly, taking a deep, trembling breath and letting it out slow. I think she was done.

Although it had undoubtedly been a tidal wave for her to share all of that, it was also quite a lot to take in on my end. I’d of course had suspicions of a not ideal family life due to the things she’d said, but I’d never thought much about what that would entail. My heart went out to her, and I hated that she had to deal with all of this in her own home.

“Wow, um...” As if automatically, her previous persona remerged. The charismatic tone latched to her voice again, and after a brief clearing of her throat and a vague wipe at the corner of her eye, she looked straight at me, “That was... I didn’t think I’d talk for so long.”

“It’s good that you did,” I immediately responded, briefly running my thumb over the hand that I’d still held throughout this entire conversation, “I could tell that needed to come out. And listen, Jungeun, if they ever do something ridiculous, or awful, just text me - no, _call_ me. I’ll answer. And we can talk like this more. It’s not good to keep everything in like you’ve been doing, and I’d love to help you.”

She smiled a soft, sweet smile, her cheeks flushing slightly with color, “I’ll uh... I’ll have to take you up on that.” Her grip on my hand tightened for a second, “Thank you.” Startling me, she pulled her hand away as she completely reacquired her chipper mode seemingly out of nowhere, “But it’s my turn, isn’t it?”

I had completely forgotten about the game we’d been playing, but yeah, it had been her turn. Without waiting for my confirmation, she just started to list out her three things.

“My favorite color is red, I _don’t_ work at the Roost...” Her eyes changed again. It felt like I couldn’t even breathe, “...and I spend a majority of my time just thinking about you.”

My stomach literally dropped. What did that mean? What did she mean? Should I confess that I spent practically all of my time thinking about her too, or would that be too much? Maybe that was the lie...? No, the Roost thing was the lie. So then...

I giggled nervously as an automatic response I couldn’t control, feeling the blush coming on. Great, in a single sentence she’d already reduced me to a totally enamored schoolgirl. It honestly seemed like she knew what she was doing sometimes.

She smiled smugly, seeming to understand that there was no way I was coherently responding to that, “How about we switch to a different game?”

I nodded, not at all trusting the steadiness of my voice.

“Alright, lets do would you rather.” She whispered the next part under her breath, as if it were some sort of secret, “I don’t like this one that much.”

I gasped in exaggerated surprise, “Wow, the _scandal_.” She playfully slapped my knee at my teasing.

“Shut up. Okay, you go first, um... would you rather... redo all of highschool, or all of middle school?” She leaned against her headboard, cocking her head slightly at me in a way that made my heart skip a beat or two.

That was a tough one. Weren’t these supposed to be needlessly gross, or somehow explicit? That was the only way I’d ever played it, so the seriousness of the question startled me. I took a few seconds to consider the options.

“Um... do you mean like, with all of the knowledge I have now?” She nodded, which changed things, “Oh, then absolutely highschool. No question.”

“Hmm. Interesting.” She raised an eyebrow, “Why’s that?”

“Am I required to explain my answer?”

She scoffed, “Yeah, that’s the whole fun of it! God, haven’t you ever played this before?”

“Okay fine, um...” I realized only then that I’d answered so readily because I would love to go through highschool a second time while being aware of how gay I was instead of repressing it by trying to date boys. Who knows, maybe there was some other suppressed gay girl I could’ve gotten with. I probably missed so many opportunities just because I was confused. That wasn’t at all what I was ready to disclose to her, though, “Just cuz, um, I wouldn’t take any crap from anyone like I used to. College has made me much less tolerant to people being rude or petty, so I’d actually call people out instead of being too scared to speak up.” That was partially true, but wasn’t the root of the reason.

Jungeun nodded, “That’s quite noble of you, wow.”

I rolled my eyes, “Fine, it’s your turn... uh... would you rather have to always have your hair dyed green for the rest of your life, or have to have your head permanently shaved?” I tried to steer this into a more silly direction, scared that she may ask something I wouldn’t be able to dodge.

She hummed inquisitively before asking a clarifying question, “Can I wear wigs?”

“No wigs.”

She sucked her teeth, “Damn, alright then, green hair.” My eyes widened slightly in surprise, “What? Don’t think I could pull it off?” She flipped her hair over her shoulder before taking a strand of it and twirling it with her finger. The butterflies in my stomach had a flare up.

_You could pull anything off..._ I thought to myself, barely managing to keep the comment internal, “No! Just didn’t think you’d go for that so fast.”

She shrugged earnestly, “What can I say, I’m full of surprises. Alright your turn: would you rather... go on a date with Yeri from Red Velvet, or Namjoon from BTS?” Something new was behind her eyes. She wasn’t asking this question for the surface level answer. She was gearing up to analyze me. Was this her way of asking if I was gay?

My stomach was in knots. I didn’t know if I should answer truthfully, but I knew that she’d catch me if I lied. Maybe I could play it off as something else. Taking a slightly deep breath, I responded with the steadiest voice I could manage, “Yeri.”

Her eyebrows raised as she smiled slightly, “Ah. What, he’s not your bias? Are you more of a Jimin type of gal?”

_Oh jesus, what do you say to that?_ My mind started to buzz. I’d have been amazed if my dismay wasn’t at least slightly visible on my face, “Um, no, uh, I just... they’re too famous. I feel like it’d be hard to keep them in one place.” _That was lame_. I cringed internally.

Her brow furrowed and her head cocked to the other side, eyes narrowing. She definitely saw through that. She saw through, and I could tell, but she dropped it. I let out a breath I hadn’t been aware I’d been holding in when she gestured vaguely for me to take my turn.

For once, I decided to take some initiative and ask something I was curious about as well as maybe get some answers from _her_ about her sexuality, “Would you rather date Chaewon or Hyejoo?”

That caught her off guard. Her eyes widened slightly and she shifted where she sat, “Whoa, jeez, uh...” The question seemed to really put her in a tough spot. I wasn’t sure if I’d expected her to take so long to answer, but I just let her silently deliberate, “I guess... Chae.”

“Explain.” I demanded, incredibly intrigued about her response for multiple reasons.

She sighed heavily in exasperation, “Ummm... it’s complicated, hell, _they’re_ complicated, but Hyejoo is very... confused right now.”

The phrasing of that caught my attention, “Confused how?”

Jungeun pushed some of her hair back and off her face, “She doesn’t know what the hell she wants. She keeps leaving poor Chae hanging in this limbo of like, never letting her know how she feels, and the poor girl doesn’t know if she should abandon the relationship and look for someone new or not. They’re both hot messes honestly.”

I didn’t quite gather her reasoning from that, despite being extremely interested by all of that information, “But Chae is a bit less confused?”

She shook her head back and forth slightly, “No, I wouldn’t say that. They’re both confused, just about different things. At least Chae is pretty damn sure she’s gay. Hyejoo is just a disaster area lately, and she keeps dragging Chae back into her own confusion.”

I had no clue their drama was this intense, and with everything I was told I just wanted to know more. I was pretty damn gossipy deep down, but we all have that side don’t we? “Ohhh. How come Hyejoo is so unsure?”

Jungeun shrugged, “Don’t ask me. That girl’s a damn enigma sometimes. I think it has something to do with her parents, but don’t quote me on that.”

Before I even had a chance to react to that, she suddenly jumped into her next question.

“Would you rather have to live at home forever, or live here forever?” Her voice was different. A bit detached. This question had more weight behind it than the others.

Essentially she was asking if I’d ever be willing to live here permanently, as in leave home altogether. That was... a lot to think about. It wasn’t really anything I’d considered before, but I _did_ love this city, and I loved quite a few of the people in it. There were more job opportunities here, more things to do, and more people to meet. I wouldn’t at all be opposed to living here permanently, but that would be somewhere in the far future. A big reason for even considering that was the people, and more particularly, a person. I stared at her for a bit longer than I normally allowed myself.

“Live here forever.” My tone was different too, but I couldn’t control it. Our eyes met and the contact was unexpectedly intense.

For a while, neither of us said anything. Honestly I would’ve been content to just stare at her forever, and the realization of that was sort of scary. I didn’t let myself think about it for too long, though, instead just trying not to show how absolutely enthralled I was in my expression.

She suddenly shifted where she sat, leaning slightly forward and muttering in a near-whisper, “Truth or dare?”

I smiled slightly in relief, not really understanding why it was I was so relieved. What had I thought she was going to say?

“Dare.”

“Hmm...” She looked all around her room with an adorably mischievous glint to her eye that almost made me nervous. Finally she seemed to spot something, “I dare you to let me do your makeup.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, “That’s hardly a good dare--”

“--Oh I’m sorry, would you rather I dare you to lick the floor or something? What are we, ten?” She teased, but I shook my head nonetheless, “Good, now just stay put.” She hopped off the bed and approached her desk, picking up that bin full of her makeup haul. She set it on the bed at our side before scooching so she was kneeling right in front of me. She looked at my face as if in a new light - probably from a solely cosmetological perspective.

“What type of makeup are you gonna do--” I tried to ask her but she shushed me harshly.

“You’ll just have to see - that’s part of the dare.” She shot me a wink that was unappreciated.

I groaned slightly, “Ughhh, you’re gonna make me look like a clown or something.”

She feigned offense, “Wow, you really have so little trust in me? Well now I just have to make you look super hot out of spite.” She took out a brush and some powder looking thing and started to gently brush it along my face, “Your turn.”

“Oh, right, uh, truth or dare?”

She didn’t hesitate for even a second, “Dare.”

There were a _lot_ of things that the not so PG part of my mind thought about daring her to do, some of which almost made me blush, and I mentally scolded myself as I thought of something more appropriate, “Um... I dare you to... block Yerim on instagram.”

She stopped mid-motion as she was about to apply something to my eyelid, “Awhh what? She’ll notice like, instantly. Do you seriously want me to be stuck on the phone reassuring her for the next hour?”

That was a good point, “Alright, fair. Fine um...” I made sure to stay still as she skillfully traced some sort of pencil along the edge of my eyelid, “I dare you to... post the most unflattering picture you have of yourself on all of your social media.”

She laughed coyly, “Jinsol, I don’t _have_ any unflattering pictures of myself.” I peeked open my free eye and shot her a look, “Kidding. Fine, that’s fair. How long does it need to stay up?”

“At least a day.”

“A day??” She huffed out an exasperated breath, “Damn you’re harsh. But a dare’s a dare.” She went quiet for a few minutes and just continued to apply makeup to me. When she was done with my eyes and allowed me to open them, I got a sole chill up my spine when I saw just how close she was to my face. It was as if I’d forgotten. She wasn’t putting that much makeup on me, it seemed, because roughly three minutes later she informed me that she was “almost done.” Just as she did so, she finally piped up, “Truth or dare?”

A bit nervous of what she may have me do, I played what I thought would be safe, “Truth.”

Her lips parted, but she shut them. It was as if she’d considered something but decided against it, or at the very least was giving it more thought. Just as she was applying a light gloss to my lips, she finally spoke - her voice soft and low, “Why do I make you so nervous...?” She didn’t stop the motion of the gloss, but she drastically slowed it. Her eyes remained transfixed on the task at hand, but it almost seemed like she was using that as an excuse to not match my gaze.

Finally, she pulled the stick away, capped it, set it down in the bin of makeup beside us, and looked at me.

And for some reason, I just knew I had to tell her the truth. Or at least a part of it.

My voice trembled and was barely even audible as I spoke, but I somehow managed to force out the confession, “Because I think you’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen, and sometimes I forget how to breathe when I look at you...”

This time, I was the one who’d stunned her into silence. Her jaw practically dropped. The air that had already been dense and heavy got so thick it made my chest tighten. Was that a mistake? It was too late to take it back, if it had been. Ironically enough, I felt like I almost couldn’t breathe at that moment. For what felt like forever, we just stared into each other’s eyes, and I was getting lost in hers again. It was like I was just falling in with no hope of ever coming back out.

Then her gaze moved. It flitted down slightly, and I knew she looked at my lips, and my mind started to combust - remembering abruptly what Sooyoung had said: a girl will look at your lips if she wants to kiss you. Oh my god. She scooted slightly closer, the motion so minor I almost didn’t notice. My heart was beating so fast I was worried I may be having some sort of Jungeun-induced heart attack. As if I was getting drawn to her somehow, one of my hands moved without my control and briefly brushed across her knee. Her breath hitched, and she tensed at the touch, but edged even closer. She must’ve been just centimeters away.

It was only then that a deep, booming voice from downstairs shouted, _“Jungeun!_ _Are you home?!”_

She let out a long, exasperated breath as the air around us seemed to dissipate back to normal from the intrusion. I’d felt it against my lips, and it made me almost crumble away into dust. She leaned back to her previous spot, calling back in a startlingly formal and polite tone, “Yes!”

The voice shouted again, “Come down here then! We need to have a talk!!” Uh-oh. When parents, especially mean-spirited parents like Jungeun’s, used the phrase of “a talk,” you just knew this wasn’t going to be a positive interaction. I saw the color drain from her skin that same way it had when I’d first brought up talking about her parents, and an instinctive protectiveness suddenly surfaced within me, overriding how flustered I’d been mere seconds before.

Jungeun sighed heavily, burying her face into her hands for a few moments, “That’s my dad.” She explained to me in a monotone.

“I figured...” Her spirits had been dampered so suddenly, it was one of the saddest things I’d ever seen.

She stood up off of her bed, “I should go down there, um... I don’t know how long this ‘talk’ will go on for. Do you have a way home besides walking?” Her voice trembled slightly. I think she was just as affected by that little... whatever it was we just had, and she was still recovering from it.

I stood up as well, started by how suddenly I’d have to be leaving, “Um, yeah, I could get a ride from Haseul. Lemme just text her...” I pulled out my phone and asked.

Jungeun was already entering full apology-mode, “I’m sorry to cut things off so fast, but I know that tone. This’ll go on for a while, and I don’t just want to leave you hanging. If he knows you’re here, too, he’ll basically kick you out. It’s better if you just casually seem like you’re already going.” She walked over toward my folded, wet clothes that I’d awkwardly set atop a small dresser.

“Oh, uh, should I change back into--”

“No, you can keep those. These are still all wet...” I hated seeing her the way she was then. She seemed... defeated and empty. It was so startling how fast she could shift from happy and carefree to bleak and dark.

My phone buzzed. Haseul was on her way, she’d be there in five minutes or so, “Haseul’s coming.”

Jungeun nodded, already heading for her bedroom door, “Okay, um, I have to head down or he’ll just get more mad,” When I started to follow her she held up her hand, “No, no just stay here please. When Haseul says she’s here, come down and slip out the front, okay?”

I nodded slowly, wanting to say something else, but she’d already left the room and headed down the stairs. She’d entered some weird state of obedience that I never would’ve expected from her.

Curious and concerned, I mildly disobeyed her and left the room. I didn’t dare actually go downstairs, but I stood in the hall toward the top of the steps and just listened. I had to strain slightly, but I could hear most of what was said.

“Jungeun, I understand you have a friend over?” Jeez, her dad sounded like he was accusing her of a federal crime.

“Yes, she’ll be leaving shortly.” Oh god, I hated her tone. It was so unlike her.

There was a pause that I could somehow tell was full of tension even though I wasn’t even there, “Have you done all your homework? You know the rule.”

Rule? There were legitimate “rules?” Thinking about it for a second, I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if there was some kilometer long rule list that he kept locked in a safe somewhere.

Jungeun quickly responded, “Yes, all of my homework is done. I wouldn’t have invited her here otherwise.” The latter half of that statement almost sounded like a snarky comment, and I felt my whole body tense for fear of her being screamed at for it.

There was another long pause. Part of me wished I could see this conversation too, just to see what filled these almost minute-long silences. I assumed it was some sort of intense glare, maybe even some head-shakes of disapproval.

“Have you studied for your test tomorrow?” His words were strangely grave. I wasn’t even the one being interrogated and I had this strange urge to validate myself to this terrifying man.

Jungeun hesitated in a way she hadn’t for the other responses, and I felt my chest tighten, “We... don’t have a test tomorrow.” Uh-oh. That didn’t sound right. Was she lying?

Something was said too quietly for me to hear, despite listening as intently as I possibly could. I even stopped breathing. My phone buzzed but I didn’t look at it.

“Hmm.” Her dad hummed to himself, “Are you telling me that if I email your teacher, he’ll tell me the same thing?”

Jungeun took a bit to respond again, “I... maybe we do, I could have forgotten.” That was just an excuse. I could tell she remembered. And if I could tell, so could he.

“You _could_ have, or you _did_ forget?” God, his voice sounded almost guttural at this point. It was as if he was totally enraged, when Jungeun hadn’t done practically anything wrong.

Jungeun jumped at this chance to potentially clear herself of the lie slightly, “I forgot.”

I heard something slam closed, it may have been a fridge, or a cabinet drawer, and I jumped slightly at the sudden noise, “We may as well just throw that planner of yours away, you clearly don’t use it!”

Jungeun said nothing. My heart was breaking for her, and more than anything I wished I could somehow help, but my presence would probably only make the situation worse.

My phone buzzed again, and I finally checked it. Haseul said she was around the corner.

Tucking my still damp clothes beneath my arm and slipping on my squishy shoes, I crept cautiously down the stairs. Jungeun spotted me in her peripheral vision and gestured vaguely with her hand for me to head to the door. I dared to steal a glance into the kitchen, where all of the shouting had come from, and her father was busy rooting around in one of the various cabinets for something. Just as I tried to stealthily swing around the corner and make a beeline for the exit, he spoke again, and his voice stopped me in my tracks despite his words not being directed toward me.

“You wait there. I need to get something from the garage.” He aggressively threw open a separate door, slamming it behind him.

Jungeun let out a long breath that she had evidently been holding in. She spun on her heel toward me, seeming confused as to why I’d stopped while trying to leave.

“Go, c’mon. He’ll be back in a sec.” The urgency to her tone was subtle but there. And it was enough to get me out the door.

The rain had more or less stopped, now only being a bit of a drizzle. The roads were littered with puddles and the pavement was slippery, but besides that it was pretty safe. Jungeun hovered by the door, watching me leave out the window as I headed down her front steps to the edge of the road. I could see Haseul’s car behind another as the two rounded the corner. I stood on the curb, and just as I turned to wave at Jungeun, the other car’s tires hit a particularly muddy puddle as it sped by, splashing up the majority of its muddy streetwater onto me.

_Are you literally kidding me right now._ I stood in absolute shock, jaw dropped, dripping wet all over again, and now practically covered in mud on top of it. This may very well be one of the unluckiest days of my life. I was starting to develop hydrophobia.

I heard Jungeun’s front door open and close behind me, and a set of feet quickly heading down the steps, “Oh my god!! Are you okay?” It was her, suppressing small bursts of laughter as she approached me with genuine concern.

I turned to look at her, only imaging how gross I looked. It was funny, and it was an unbelievably unlucky situation, but for some reason I felt myself starting to cry from how embarrassed I was. She reached forward and tightly grasped my hand, probably getting hers all gross in the process.

“Did that really just happen?” I asked in semi-denial, looking down at myself. My clothes were practically ruined and my hair was heavy with water and dirt.

Jungeun couldn’t help but laugh and I didn’t blame her, but I just hoped she didn’t see how glossy my eyes were. Haseul’s car carefully pulled up to the curb, “Um, yeah! Jeez, look at you! You are not having the best day huh?”

I shook my head back and forth, finding it too hard to meet her eyes from how quickly my tears were coming on. In hindsight, I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t have been so upset over it, but in the moment I felt so embarrassed I could’ve died.

Haseul quickly got out of her car, already fretting, “Oh my goodness, Jinsol I saw all of that, oh no honey!” She reached out to touch my arm but seemed to decide against it when she saw just how gross I was, “Hold on, I think I have a jacket or something in my trunk - don’t sit down just yet.” While she went to hunt for something for me to sit on, Jungeun just kept looking at me with intense pity and disbelief.

“I have to go back in, he’s probably done getting whatever he needed, but thank you so much for coming...” When she moved closer to presumably hug me, I stepped back.

“No, don’t, I’m so gross.” That was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, because in truth there was nothing I wanted more than to hug her again. I managed a smile, pretending I was less upset than I really was, and she bought it.

“Okay, but I’ll see you again before you leave. I need a goodbye hug.” She started to head back up to her house just as Haseul opened up the passenger’s side door and laid out her jacket on the seat.

“Okay, all set! Come in, come in, the rain is getting worse.” She frantically ushered me inside from the driver’s seat, turning on her windshield wipers.

Taking a trembling breath in a failed attempt to compose myself, I got into her car. As soon as she pulled away from the curb and started to drive down the street, I just fell apart.

I hadn’t cried in a long time, and there was suddenly all of these pent up emotions that came bursting out of me. I leaned forward, hiding my face in my hands as the sobs started to hit me, one after the other. Haseul gasped in extreme concern, her mom-like traits reaching their absolute peak at my sudden distress. I felt one of her hands move to start caressing my back comfortingly, which if anything only made me cry harder.

“Oh no, no no, Jinsollie, don’t cry...” She drove slow for extra caution as she tried to multitask impromptu therapy with driving, “It’s just a little mud! A quick shower will fix that right up. I’ll do your laundry for you, if you’re too tired!” She was being extremely sweet, but she didn’t understand. This wasn’t just from that. This was from so many different things all at once, from all of the crazy emotional rollercoasters I’d been on in a span of 24 hours, from all the things I’d discovered about myself and everyone else in these past months. It was so overwhelming, and it all had to come out at some point.

A familiar though unwanted pang of guilt hit me as I was reminded of how little Haseul knew about my relationship and feelings toward Jungeun. She’d been kept in the dark long enough.

Between my sharp, heaving sobs, I tried to explain as well as I could, “Haseul... I haven’t been hanging out with Jungeun because I want to be her friend.” Most of my words were broken up by sudden intakes of breath.

She seemed confused, not getting my meaning, “What do you mean, honey? What’s making you so upset?”

Lifting my face from my hands for a second, I turned to look at Haseul just to emphasize the importance of my next confession, “I _like_ her, Haseul.”

There was a brief pause. The comforting motion of her hand against my back stopped, leaving me in dreadful, unbearable suspense. Then it resumed. She started to trace slow circles along my gross, muddy hoodie, and her tone got low and soft and soothing.

“Oh, I see. That makes sense. Well, just know that this doesn’t change anything Jinsol. Nothing at all.” Her hand trailed up to my hair which she gently ran her fingers through, trying to work out the knots that had been made in it from the clumps of mud, “I just wish that you’d told me sooner, I would have tried to do more to help!”

“I’m sorry.” Was all I could think to say between my tears. Because I _was_ sorry. It was stupid not to tell her, she was my best friend and I trusted her with my life. It was dumb keeping such a huge part of myself from her for so long. It put a needless strain on things and it would’ve been so much simpler if I’d just told.

She made a mom-like _tsk_ ing sound, “Don’t you dare apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong, not one thing. Listen, we’re going to get you home and clean you up. Maybe we can make some tea, or if you’d want I could just head back to my dorm and we can talk about this tomorrow. It’s up to you.”

I sat back up, wiping some of my tears from my face with quaking hands, “I... I think I just need to go to bed.”

She nodded in understanding, “Of course, of course. We’re almost back.”

She let me out of the car right outside my dorm, and before she pulled away I knew I had to make sure and tell her something. I ducked down so I could fully see her in the window, “Haseul, I love you.”

She smiled sweetly, “I love you too. Call me when you get the chance, okay? Sleep well.” She pulled away, leaving me to my own devices.

Sooyoung, who honestly seemed nocturnal, was unfortunately awake when I got back. She was sitting at her desk with headphones on but immediately slid them off when I entered, “Whoa there, someone looks like they lost a fight in a pig pen--” Her snarkiness instantly died down when she saw how distraught I still was. My tears had slowed but they weren’t quite done, “Oh, hey hey hey, what’s going on?” She stood, diverting all of her attention to me.

I just sighed shakily, not at all feeling up to her high-energy interrogation, “I was at Jungeun’s...”

“What? Alone??” Her excitement temporarily overpowered her worry.

I groaned, “Yes, but I’m in no mood to talk about it right now, okay? I need to shower.”

“Not gonna argue with that... how did that happen anyway?”

“A car splashed a puddle and it hit me.” I was already gathering my shower caddy and all of my things.

“Ah. That’s lame. Did you get his plates? I’ll go key his car for you.” That was her strange way of saying she felt bad for me, and I greatly appreciated it. I shot her the best smile I could manage in my state of intense emotional vulnerability before heading off down the hall to the showers.

I still felt unstable and shaky from the residue of my total breakdown, but the much-needed hot shower helped to take the edge off slightly. I briefly came back to the room and gathered up all my gross clothes. Sooyoung seemed to sense that I wasn’t ready for any further questions and let me leave without asking any. I went down to the basement to throw in the load of laundry, glad that it was late enough for nobody else to really be around. Some people still seemed to trickle in and out, but it was much less intense than it was in more normal hours of the day.

After tossing my things into the wash, I leaned my back against a dryer and buried my face into my hands again. God tonight had been quite the damn journey. I felt like so much had happened in such a short span, I’d need at least a whole day just to process it all. I rubbed briefly at my eyes, hoping to remove any traces of tears that may’ve been lingering.

“Hey...” A familiar voice spoke from my right and I jumped, not having expected to hear it. Jungeun stood there, looking more nervous and uncertain than I’d ever seen her.

Her sudden entrance caught me totally off guard, “Jesus Christ, Jungeun, what’re you doing here??” For a second I wondered if I’d fallen asleep from the comforting sounds of the dryers and the warmness they gave off, and I’d just dreamed this up. But it felt too real.

She took a few steps forward, “Sooyoung told me you were doing laundry.” She stood across from me, leaning against the other row of dryers with her hands casually in her pockets.

I was still deeply confused. It was a roughly fifteen minute drive from her house to the college, so why had she come all this way? “...okay? It’s late, you should’ve just stayed home...”

She laughed slightly, seeming sort of amused by the situation though also seeming uncharacteristically unsure of herself, “Yeah, I know...”

I abruptly found myself feeling self-conscious, which happened pretty often when she was around, “Um, I look all gross - I don’t have makeup on--”

She barely let me finish my sentence, “--You look adorable.” She scanned me up and down slightly, noting my still wet hair, “Did you shower?”

I scoffed lightly, “I was covered in muddy streetwater from head to toe, of course I showered.”

She chuckled at the memory, shaking her head back and forth as if in disbelief, “My god, I’m so sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, it wasn’t your fault.” Our conversation came to a pause when another college student entered the laundry room with his basket and walked past us to unload his dry clothes into it. We just stood there in silence, waiting for him to finish up.

As soon as the door closed and he was out of sight, I finally asked her a more direct question, since she seemed to be avoiding the answer, “So... why’d you come all the way out here?”

I barely had a chance to finish the question before she blurted something out that sent me reeling.

“I’m sorry our date ended badly.”

Now I understood why she’d seemed so unsteady and uncertain - that apology had probably been sitting at the top of her chest waiting to burst out.

I practically sputtered, speaking at a volume that was way too loud for this communal room, “Date?! Was that--” Realizing how loud I was based on how she’d flinched at my voice, I lowered it to a harsh whisper, “Was that a date...?”

She was blushing. And it wasn’t a small little flush of her cheeks like usual, it was deeper. Probably closer to how I tended to blush. She wouldn’t meet my eyes, “Um... I mean, it sorta felt like one...” I couldn’t read her tone. She still sounded slightly nervous, but there was something else there.

She took a step closer and my body felt like it turned to stone. My hands gripped the dryer at my back for support. My brain felt like it was going to short-circuit. It was like I was internally combusting.

“Um... o-okay...?” I had no idea what to say or how to react.

She stepped closer again. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Why wasn’t she saying anything? Was I supposed to say something? Was she expecting me to?

Out of sheer panic, I just started to stammer out something else, “Uh... well, maybe we can give it another try--”

My words were cut off when she surged forward, closed the space between us, and pressed her lips against mine.

My grip on the machine at my back tightened so hard I was worried I’d make a dent in the metal.

It wasn’t brief.

It was slow, soft, and gentle. Her hands moved to rest on either side of my jaw, and they were subtly trembling from her uncertainty and worry. Her skin was warm, but I knew mine was even hotter. At first my eyes had widened in surprise and absolute shock, and my body had tensed even more. But after a second, they closed, and I relaxed. As soon as I did, I just started to shake. I couldn’t control it and I couldn’t steady myself. She felt it and pulled me closer. I couldn’t even think.

It felt like the world around us crumbled away into nothing. I couldn’t hear, smell, or feel anything but her - her steady breathing, her rose-scented perfume, her soft lips and her smooth skin. She was being cautious. I couldn’t tell if it was from inexperience or fear of scaring me off.   
  


She broke away to draw in a quick breath, but my hands shot forward as soon as her lips left mine and tugged her back hard by her sides. We made contact a second time and she made a small noise in the back of her throat when we reconnected. Her thumb delicately traced along my jawline, briefly running along my bottom lip when she reached my chin.

I couldn’t believe any of this was real. Not a single second of it. I expected it all to dissipate into thin air from the slightest interference.

As if on cue, reality crashed back down on us at the sound of some unfamiliar voice exclaiming, “Oh! Uh-- sorry--”

We broke away, both of us flustered, disoriented and practically gasping for air. My body felt cold, and like she was way too far from me.

It was just some college guy who was now blushing madly at what he’d unexpectedly stumbled upon when he came to do laundry. Part of me felt sort of bad for him, but I was way too distracted to think about that for more than a split second.

_Did that really just happen?_ I subtly reached and pinched my own arm, but I didn’t wake up.

She cleared her throat slightly, but her voice still trembled when she spoke, “No prob, um, go ahead.”

The guy went up to a washer a few down from the one I still leaned against and tossed in his clothes before scampering off, his face beet red.

We just stared at each other, neither of us sure what to say or do now.

“Um...” I spoke first, still finding myself out of breath, “I uh... can’t really... think.” That was the only way I could think to describe how I felt. I smiled slightly, realizing how stupid that sounded once I said it aloud.

She nodded slightly in agreement, “Yeah, ditto...”

If she so much as stepped an inch closer to me, I was convinced I’d kiss her again.

“Uh, it’s late. Look, maybe you should call me? In the morning...? We should probably uh, talk...”

“Yeah, um, sounds good...”

“Okay, cool...” She started to edge away, seeming like she was being careful to only get further away and not closer. As if she didn’t trust herself either. As she neared the door, she waved very slightly at me, “Uh, see you later I guess?”

I just nodded. I couldn’t talk anymore.

She pushed the door open and left through it.

I reached up and gingerly touched my own lips with my fingers.

_Did that really just happen._


	7. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinsol leaves to go on her winter break, resulting in tumultuous feelings on both sides of a budding relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

I slowly reopened the door to our room, finding myself more disoriented than I’d ever felt in my life. Sooyoung was actually getting ready for bed and was wiping off her makeup, but as soon as I entered, she entered full interrogation mode.

“Excuse me, you need to tell me this instant why Jungeun drove all the way here, came up to our room expecting to find you, and wouldn’t even wait until you came back but instead went hunting for you in the laundry room.” She glanced at the clock next to her bed, “It’s almost 1 AM, literally what the hell?”

Too out of it to even talk, I walked straight toward my bed and sat on its edge. I was glad to actually be sitting down, because it almost felt like my legs were gonna give out. My brain had just been repeating to itself over and over again with every single step I took back to the room: _Did Jungeun seriously just kiss you? Did you seriously kiss her back? She kissed you first, so that must mean she likes you. Oh my god, she likes you? Oh my god oh my god oh my god._ Even the repetition of the questions wouldn’t help solidify it in my head and I remained in this weird limbo of denial. None of this could be real, right?  
  


Sooyoung just seemed annoyed at my lack of a response and moved closer to me, “Um, hello? Earth to Jinsol?? Anyone in there?” She waved her hand in front of my eyes but I wasn’t even fazed. It was only when she was near enough that she seemed to notice something, “Wait... why do you have smudgey lipstick on your lips? You didn’t have that when you went to do laundry--” The realization visibly hit her like a ton of bricks and she physically jolted back with a sudden gasp, “WHAT.”

A blush returned to my face in an instant. _Please don’t yell, it’s so late. We’ll get another noise complaint._ I wanted to say that, but no words would actually leave my throat. Instead my lips just parted slightly.

Her jaw practically hit the floor, “WHAT. JINSOL. WHAT.” She knelt on the floor in front of me, eyes as wide as they could possibly go, smiling slightly through her absolute shock, “ARE YOU LITERALLY KIDDING. DID SHE SERIOUSLY KISS YOU??!” At this point she was shouting, and the sheer volume of her questions was enough to snap me slightly out of it enough to at least dissuade her.

“Shhh. Please, shh.” I told her in a surprisingly calm voice, holding up my hand toward her as if that would somehow quell her mounting excitement.

My reaction only seemed to make her even more confused and requiring more answers I wasn’t at all in a condition to give, though she did lower her voice a bit, “What??? Jinsol how are you so chill about this right now? Why aren’t you literally bouncing off the walls and like, crying or something??” Despite having been gearing up to go to bed literally minutes before, now she was giddy with excitement and energy. She was practically trembling.

Honestly that was a very good question. If I had to give a coherent answer in hindsight, I think I was literally just too overwhelmed with emotions to react to a single one of them so I sort of shut down while I tried and failed to process them all. There was way too much to mentally consider, and since I couldn’t sort it out, I just couldn’t seem to respond to any of it.

“I’m... is this real life?” I asked in a near whisper, a very vague, probably dopey looking smile coming to my face.

She jumped to answer my question without hesitation, “Yes!! Yes this is real life Jinsol, look,” She reached forward and slapped my knee with a bit more force than was necessary, “See! Real. This is real, you didn’t pass out, you really just kissed Jungeun in the laundry room and you _really aren’t telling me the details right now you bitch, oh my god._ ”

I laughed slightly, the magnitude of the situation not having set in yet at all, still.

“Did she kiss you or did you kiss her??” She asked, her voice high-pitched though still a bit quieter than before. I think she seemed to realize that simply asking me to “give details” was quite the tall order, so she narrowed it down to single questions.

I took a deep breath, “Uh, she kissed me.”

She nodded, “Right, no real surprise there... how long did it go on for??”

I couldn’t really quantify it. It could’ve been two minutes or two seconds and I would’ve had no idea, since it felt like time stopped as soon as our lips met, “I honestly couldn’t tell you.”

She seemed frustrated, but accepted that grudgingly, “Okay, fair, well, was it like, yaknow - a _kiss_ , or just a peck?”

I felt myself blushing again at the memories that were somehow both potent and distant at the same time, “It was a kiss.”

She squealed in glee, “Ooooooh!! Jinsol!!!!” She reached forward, needing some sort of outlet for all of her energy, so she grabbed me by the shoulders and started to shake me back and forth with every one of her words, “This is groundbreaking!! Revolutionary!!! Life-changing!!!! Ahhhhhhh I’m so happy for you!!”

I shrugged her grip off of me, “I... have no idea what’s even happening.” I felt dazed. My brain seemed totally useless at that moment, it was like I couldn’t even think thoughts anymore, I didn’t even know what thoughts were.

She nodded in understanding, “I’ve totally been there. Must’ve been a really good kiss then, huh?” She was doing her best to try and go back to her sleep-mode, but I could tell it was hard for her. I appreciated the effort regardless.

I felt that blush on my cheeks intensifying again, “That’s a bit of an understatement.”

She spun on her heel to face me again, having been walking back toward her side of the room but now that was completely forgotten. Her jaw had dropped right after she seemed to have recovered from her previous shock, “ _Ugh._ ” One of her slender fingers pointed at me as she glared slightly, “I _demand_ details ASAP tomorrow, or I’m literally gonna beat you to death.”

I rolled my eyes at her in response and watched as she got into bed, turning off her light. For what must’ve been around ten minutes or so, I just sat there, trying my hardest to fathom what had happened in that laundry room. I remembered what she’d said as she left: that I was supposed to call her the next morning. My heart started beating faster just at the thought. What were we going to talk about? How we felt...? Or maybe just the kiss? Or what?

I went over the whole conversation a second time in my head: she’d called our hangout a date. Had she always viewed it as a date? Was that what it was from the start and I just hadn’t caught it? Maybe Kahei had been right when she made that assumption in the café. My mind flashed back to the moment after I’d told her the truth about how she made me nervous. When she’d edged closer and looked at my lips. What would have happened if her dad hadn’t interrupted? Would she have kissed me right then and there? God, I was getting chills.

_Go to bed. Just go to bed. You could think about this forever._ The rational part of my brain started to scold me. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I slid beneath my covers and did my best to quiet my buzzing thoughts.

***

“Get _up_.” Someone roughly pushed me awake, jostling me from the light sleep I’d been in. Unsurprisingly it was Sooyoung, already fully made up to head out, dressed and all. Her first class of the day was half an hour earlier than mine, so it wasn’t unusual for her to be on her way out by the time I got up - but she never tended to physically wake me.

Groggy and not well-rested, my words were slightly slurred, “What...?”

My vision was sort of blurry from sleep, but she was glaring at me as she picked up her backpack and slid it onto her shoulders, “I need to go early, I have to meet with my professor before class. You slept in so you got lucky because I can’t interrogate you. Listen, when I get back I _seriously_ need to be caught up. I’m the wingwoman who even initiated most of this, it’s the absolute least you can do.”

That was true. Without her help and her insistence on me trying to hangout with Jungeun, my nerves may have prevented me from progressing things at all. Jungeun and I may still be strangers who occasionally caught each other’s eye at the Roost. God, my chest felt hollow even at the thought of that.

I nodded, sitting up and stretching, “Yeah yeah, I’ll let you know. I also have to call her, she said we should talk about things.”

Sooyoung just glared at me even harder, “ _You didn’t mention that._ ” She groaned in frustration, “God, what else haven’t you told me about this??? You better set aside like a solid two hours for this explanation, I’m serious.” She was halfway out the door, but she made sure to glare at me for an extra second through the crack before shutting it fully.

I sighed and checked the time. Around 9. Jungeun was probably in school, so she probably wouldn't be able to answer if I called. My schedule for my last four days here was practically packed with exams, working on final projects and scrambling to pack, so I wasn’t sure when else I would have time to call. Deciding to more or less allow her to choose whenever and however this conversation was going to go, I quickly sent her a text.

_Hey, so when would you be free for a call?_

She read it almost instantly, as if she’d waited for me to ask.

_Jungeun_ ⛾ _: hold on_

I assumed she was maybe in class and wasn’t free to talk, so I got out of bed and instead started to get ready for class. I cursed under my breath when I realized that I’d totally forgotten to do any of my homework the night before, having been much too preoccupied with everything that’d been happening. My grade in that class was slipping, too. I’d have to try and talk to the professor to ask for some sort of extra credit again, which I’d already done once or twice. Although I definitely wouldn’t have changed or undone any of my decisions to spend time with Jungeun instead of doing work, sometimes in hindsight I just wished that I’d managed my time a bit more effectively because it was sure coming back to haunt me.

I jumped slightly as I was doing my hair when my phone started to buzz on my nightstand. Was that her?? Setting down my brush, I quickly went and picked it up. Yep. I realized that she must’ve told me to hold on so she could get to a place where she could call. My heart leapt into my throat and my chest tightened as I simply stared at the phone in my hand as it rung.

Clearing my throat before saying a word, I answered with a slightly shaky finger and brought my phone to my ear, “Hel--”

I barely even got to finish my greeting before her rushed, quick voice came through, “--Hey, hi, so listen, I have a lot to say and I’ve been absolutely terrified to say it, and I probably just won’t if I don’t do it now, so if you could just sorta listen for a minute that would be great,” I wasn’t sure if she was talking so fast because she’d snuck off to the bathroom to call me or something, or because she was genuinely worried that her nervousness would prevent her from speaking.

Although she’d requested that I simply listen and not interject, she definitely didn’t need to worry about that, because she had just effortlessly acquired absolutely all of my attention just with her tone, let alone whatever it was she was hinting she needed to reveal to me. What could she - the confident, charismatic Jungeun - be “terrified” of saying to me? I sat down at my desk, not fully trusting the stability of my own legs as I pulled them against my chest and geared up for whatever she was about to dump onto me.

She took an audible breath, “Okay, so, about last night, I just want to say that looking back on it I know it was sort of dumb for me to just show up like that totally unannounced and I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I hated how the night ended because it had been going really well, or at least I thought it was going well, but then my dad showed up and started yelling and then you got splashed with that stuff and I didn’t even get to hug you and I was _so_ worried you’d leave before I could hug you, and...” She took another much needed breath, since it nearly seemed like she hadn’t inhaled during that entire speech, “I saw you there, and you looked... _so_ fucking cute in your pajamas with your hair like that and I _know_ I should’ve asked, I _know_ I should’ve been slower and I don’t even know if you considered that night to be a date and I was just making a lot of assumptions without knowing things for sure, and if it wasn’t okay then we can totally just forget about--”

It was only at that point when I felt I really had to stop her, _“Jungeun_.” I made my voice firm, speaking a bit louder than I normally would’ve just to make sure she heard. She stopped her stream of confession abruptly, and I took the brief pause of silence to try and process all of it.

A lot was happening, and she’d just said a lot that I felt like I should respond to, but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t figure out what to say. I also definitely thought the night was going well until we got interrupted, I wouldn’t let myself leave without hugging her again so she didn’t have to worry about that, her asking to kiss me wasn’t even an issue that had ever occurred to me, and even though I didn’t necessarily consider that to be a date it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was how that night ended, and at least in my eyes it couldn’t have been any more perfect.

She spoke again, more slowly this time, though her voice was a bit strained, “...yeah?”

The only thing I could seem to muster at that moment, or at least the thing that seemed the most important to convey to her was a short, simple, calm, “It was totally okay.” My priority was to reassure her. I already felt horrible at the thought of her overthinking all of this for the duration of the night, when in reality I was floating on cloud nine. She’d been worried that she went to far and ruined things between us, when that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

“...huh?” She still sounded so uncertain and scared. Another word I might use to describe it would be that she seemed like she was in some sort of denial - something I could definitely relate to. Most of what had happened in the past 24 hours didn’t seem real to me.

So I made a split second decision to say something blunt enough to hopefully snap us both out of it. Taking a deep breath and balling up the end of my sleeve into a white knuckled fist in preparation, I forced the words past my lips, “It was more than okay. That was probably the best kiss I’ve ever had...” The confidence behind my voice faded as soon as I’d actually said _kiss_. It seemed like both of us were subconsciously avoiding blatantly saying the word itself, and once it left me, the air got that same tension that it seemed to get whenever Jungeun was around. She wasn’t even there.

There was a long pause after that. I think we were mutually at a loss for words. For a solid lingering five seconds that felt like they were strangling the air out of my lungs, I was left in awful suspense. Had I ruined something? Had I been too straightforward? Right as I thought my own buzzing thoughts were going to eat me alive, she spoke up.

Her voice audibly trembled, “Um... oh...?” I think I’d sent her into some sort of shock, “That’s... good.” Wow she really did have a way with words. I couldn’t help but smile slightly at how much she was fumbling just because it was so unlike her, “Um... so... does that...” She took another breath. It was like she’d just forget to do that unless she consciously thought to. When she next spoke, her voice had lowered to nothing more than a timid whisper, “What does this mean...?”

That was a really good question that I was too scared to answer. What _did_ this mean? Obviously, in hindsight, it was pretty self-explanatory. You kiss someone when you like them, it’s not that complicated, but I don’t necessarily think that’s what she was asking. That question had a lot more behind it. Although we hadn’t talked explicitly about it yet, I had a strong suspicion that Jungeun - despite being pretty confident in herself generally - was pretty uncertain of and new to her attraction to girls.

My view on this whole phone call changed abruptly when I realized that, while I was mulling over how good that kiss had been and debating in my head whether or not it had even happened, Jungeun may very well have been mulling over her entire orientation overnight. My heart went out to her. Despite the two of us being in relatively similar situations as gays who only recently discovered their identities, at least I’d been able to think about it for longer than this. I hadn’t gone up and kissed any girls and then made plans to call them the next morning.

I chose my words very carefully, knowing that what I was about to say next was a pretty significant step in... whatever this was becoming. I tightened my already iron grip on my wadded up sleeve in a failed attempt at coping, “Well... I think it means that there’s...” My whole body clenched, “...yaknow, something here?” I was proud that my voice didn’t break. I felt it get close, but it remained steady. I didn’t though - my whole body was shaking. I pursed my lips and shut my eyes.

I wasn’t ready to say it outright yet. I was too nervous to simply come out and proclaim it, so I had to play it off like I wasn’t sure either. I was absolutely sure. I’d never been more positive about anything in my life. I liked her. I liked Jungeun more than I’d ever liked anyone, and I was so comfortable thinking that in my head - just still not enough to say it out loud to her.

I thought she’d be in the same boat, but the usual unpredictability of Jungeun always seemed to emerge at the most inopportune times.

“...there definitely is on my end.” She let out the confession on a soft exhale, as if it had been trapped within her lungs and she’d only just let it out.

_What._

I physically reeled backward so hard in my swivel chair that it almost tipped over. I held the phone briefly away from my face, muffling my instinctive and uncontrollable squeal of disbelief mixed with excitement with my hand as I flailed my legs to regain the chair’s balance. _Oh. My. God. Oh my god? Oh my god oh my god._ I was actually mouthing my thoughts out loud, my hands shaking so hard it was hard to even bring the phone back toward my ear. Hopefully she hadn’t said anything else during my mini-breakdown. God, my heart was beating so fast I was surprised it wasn’t just exploding. Sooyoung was going to get quite an earful.

“Well...” My voice cracked slightly and I cleared my throat, feeling the blush that had been stuck to my cheeks starting to spread to my ears. Thankfully she couldn’t see me, “Then um... we should probably talk about it?” I’d wanted that to sound like much more of a statement than a question, but it just didn’t come out that way, “Maybe in person.” I think more than anything else I just wanted to see her again.

For the first time in this entire rollercoaster of a phone call, her response was prompt. It started with a heavy, discouraged sigh, “That’s another thing. For once _I’m_ the busy unreachable one.” My chest tightened, “That ‘talk’ I had with my dad turned into a full on shouting match, and now I’m grounded until Christmas. Cheery, I know. I can’t go anywhere besides school and work, and I really can’t afford to skip either of those...” She said all of that like her fate was totally sealed. It scared me.

“...damn.” Was all I could think to really say, “I leave in four days.” As if reminding her of that impending deadline did any sort of good. I mentally slapped myself.

“Trust me, I know.” She took a slow breath, “I’ve been dreading every second closer to you getting on that train.” That statement was so genuine it made my heart flutter. The sentiment was more than mutual. Although I was of course looking forward to seeing my family and friends, to some extent, knowing that I was leaving her behind left my chest feeling hollow.

I started to rock nervously back and forth in my chair, making sure not to push it too far so as to nearly fall over again, “Well... maybe we can find a time somewhere?” I tried to sound more optimistic than I felt, channelling my inner Yerim, “My train leaves from the station downtown at 9 AM Thursday.”

My attempt at looking on the bright side was shattered when she let out another dejected sigh, “That’s right in the middle of the class I’m doing the worst in.”

“Goddamn it.” I shut my eyes, a pressure settling in on my chest.

Neither of us spoke for a while, probably almost half a minute. I wasn’t sure why the silence lasted for so long. Maybe neither of us quite knew what to say, or maybe we were both too scared to address the slim chances of us actually seeing one another in this short span of time when both of our schedules were so booked. It seemed like we’d semi-left one state of denial only to be thrown into another one: that we’d definitely get to see each other before I had to leave.

We both somehow spoke up at the same time with different statements reflecting the same poorly concealed desperation:

“I need to see you-”

“I can’t just not say goodbye-”

We stopped simultaneously when we realized the other was speaking. My throat was tight. It was getting hard to breathe.

I stayed quiet and left her a space to finish what she’d planned on saying, her voice having gone back to that distant whisper, “I have to see you. I just have to.” It didn’t sound like a question. It didn’t even sound like a plan, it really sounded like a necessity. A chill crept up my spine.

Something left me without even giving me a chance to consider it, “We’ll figure something out.”

***  
  


We essentially left the conversation at that. She had been talking to me beneath the stairs at school and got caught by a wandering teacher and sent back to class under a barrage of scoldings. And despite the seemingly adamant statement that I’d repeated to her after that conversation dozens upon dozens of times, we didn’t figure something out.

It wasn’t for lack of trying. We bounced ideas back and forth off each other for what seemed like hours.

Could I go see her at work?

No, I was so swamped with homework and finals and projects that I was practically drowning.

Could she come to my room, just for a second to see me?

No, her parents literally had a way to track her phone. If she so match as strayed from the path of the route to and from school to work, they’d get alerted.

Could I go see her at school?

No, I was still extremely busy, and her grades were already steadily slipping due to her sudden infatuation with me (not exactly her words, but you get the picture), and her parents were cracking down. They’d already confiscated some of her things. One more slip up and they’d threatened to take away her car.

Could I go to her house?

No, even if I could make time in my schedule her parents never even let her answer the door anymore. Yerim had tried before Jungeun got the chance to inform her of the grounding, and had been practically shooed off the property.

So we were stranded. What else could we do? The days were creeping slowly by, and this sense of dread just seemed to consume me more and more with each passing second. I tried to do my work as fast and efficient as I could, but if I rushed it my professors would know. I was barely scraping by in these courses, even just a few points could make or break things for me. Jungeun was practically under house arrest. The only way we could communicate was by texts and calls, and although we did that whenever we had even a few minutes to spare, they were getting more and more scarce as the fateful day drew closer.

Sooyoung tried to help, too. After I’d given her the full rundown on the chain of events and after her subsequent fangirl-fest over how things were going, she did her best to help. But even her schemes were all refuted by the circumstances we were stuck with. It seemed totally hopeless, and that was the worst part.

It was the night before the morning I had to leave when my phone rang. Despite it being almost midnight, I was still shoving my things into various different suitcases. Part of me thought it may be my mom calling to remind me of the time my train came - something she’d already done five times over just for her own reassurance. But it was Jungeun.

I answered as quickly as possible, careful to speak softly so as not to disturb Sooyoung, who had surprisingly gone to bed at a reasonable hour, “Hello?”

“Hey...” She sounded different and I didn’t like it. I think she was experiencing something similar to me, this twisted acceptance of the unlikelihood of us seeing each other in person before I had to go, and it was weighing on her.

The tone seemed to instantly drain me of the sudden energy I’d acquired from seeing her name on my phone, and my shoulders slumped. Sighing lightly, I got up from my position on the floor, previously surrounded by my things and my various bags, and instead laid face-up on my bed, “Hi...”

She laughed lightly, but the sound was bitter and disingenuous, “God, it really seems like my parents are trying to sabotage us, huh?”

I wished I was with her. I wished more than anything that I could hold her hand, which I had a feeling was shaky just like her voice was. I wished I could see her, hug her, anything. My lips parted to say just that, to shower her with what I wished could happen and let our dreams consume us for just a few peaceful seconds before reality crashed back down on us like a ton of bricks, but everything got caught in my throat and stayed contained in my head.

“It really does...” I glared slightly at the ceiling as if that would somehow make me feel better, “God this fucking _sucks_.”

She let out a long, heavy sigh, “That’s an understatement. You’re leaving in...” She paused, presumably to check the time, “Like, nine hours.”

“I know... but I’m coming back.” I tried to emphasize that. I really did. But that didn’t change that I wasn’t going to be anywhere even remotely near her for well over a month. This separation was going to be hard, and although we knew that, there was an underlying fear that neither of us actually knew how hard it would be. It always gave me this sinking feeling in my stomach that I hated but had grown increasingly familiar with.

Her next words were so soft and wistful that I almost thought I misheard them, “Will you stay on the phone with me...?” Sleepiness slightly tugged at her words and it was one of the cutest things I’d ever heard in my life.

I almost instantly responded with yes, of course, but my eyes flitted to my remaining things on various surfaces around my half of the room. I’d been so wrapped up in the mountains of work I’d done that packing had become an afterthought, and it really needed to get done. The next morning was going to be a lot of trying to catch the bus to the train station and navigating the bustling city, which I hadn’t gotten at all good at yet. If I added packing to that list of things to do, I might just miss the train altogether.

“Um... I’m not done packing.” I muttered, hating my own time management skills, or lack thereof.

There was a pause, followed by a muted though evidently frustrated groan, “Do it in the morningggg.”

I pursed my lips, hating this situation that we were stuck in, “It’s late, shouldn’t you be going to bed?”

“I just want to hear your voice.”

I felt my heart swell. God, I wanted to hear her voice too. It was always _so_ nice to hear to hear hear talk about anything, for any amount of time, “I’m...” Sleep was weighing down my eyelids and I knew that if I didn’t pack up the rest of my things now I’d be having a panic attack of a morning trying to do it before I had to leave. Shutting my eyes and sighing heavily, I braced myself to give more and more bad news to Jungeun, “I really have to pack. I’m sorry...”

There was a pause. I hated the image of her being upset or even remotely distraught because I couldn’t talk to her. It broke my heart, but I really didn’t have another option, “I know... I just...” She took a trembling breath, “I know. Goodnight.” She hung up.

God I hoped more than anything that she wasn’t crying.

***

My alarm pulled me out of my restless attempt at sleep at 7 AM, and my hand aimlessly flailed around as I tried to turn it off, rolling clumsily out of bed. Sooyoung was still out cold. She’d told me to wake her up to say goodbye, but she looked so peaceful I decided to wait a bit longer.

Everything about that morning just felt... off. It’s hard to describe, but I had this feeling sort of similar to the one you get when you’re forgetting something. Despite checking and rechecking the diligent list I’d made of things I needed, and knowing that everything was packed up, something still felt missing. My chest felt so hollow I wouldn’t have been surprised if there’d be an echo if you knocked on it.

My hands felt inexplicably heavy as I put on some light makeup and did my hair, throwing on the outfit I’d set aside for the day. I looked at my phone, wondering if there’d be anything from Jungeun, but there were only two texts from Yerim and Haseul, sent only ten or so minutes before:

_Momseul: i’m sorry I can’t make it to see you off, but I love you and I’ll call you as soon as I get a chance okay? Let me know when you’ve boarded the train safely <3_

_Yerimヾ(＾∇＾): you’re leaving today!!! Ugh i’m gonna miss you, what’ll i do without my tutor?? I’ll still call you tho, hopefully that’s ok! Jungeun is really sad, you two are pretty good friends now right? You’ve gotta make sure to call her, too_

My heart cracked slightly from Yerim’s mentioning of Jungeun. Oh no. I hated trying to picture her, dejected during class, unable to even focus. I sighed and buried my face into my hands, my own mind warring with itself. I’d reached full irrationality by that point, wondering if maybe I could catch a later train so we had more time, or if I could maybe just not go home for break. No, I knew I had to leave. I just hated it.

I wondered if she’d even want to hear from me, or if that would just make things worse. Despite my uncertainty, I sent her something.

_I don’t really know what to say besides sorry. More than anything i wish i could’ve seen you today, but please try not to be too sad. I’ll be back before you know it._

She read it after a few lingering seconds, and I waited to see if she was going to type anything back, but nothing came through.

Sooyoung yawned over my shoulder, catching my attention. I looked toward her, always finding myself a bit startled at how effortlessly pretty she looked right after waking up. She did have a bit of a bedhead, but if anything it was endearing.

“Mornin’,” She mumbled out, rubbing at one of her eyes as she sat up and stretched. After a few blinks to adjust her vision she seemed to remember what day it was, “When are you heading out?” The memory seemed to reinvigorate her abruptly, and she stood.

“Twenty-ish minutes.” It was weird to actually say that aloud.

She nodded, “When did you plan on getting me up? What, were you just gonna slip out without saying anything? Wow what a good friend you are.” She joked, waltzing over to her mirror and attempting to fix her hair.

I didn’t respond and the two of us just wordlessly got ready for the day. Sooyoung had one last exam to do that afternoon, and then her parents were driving to school to help her with her bags and stuff. I didn’t have that, so I had to be pretty damn strategic with how I was getting all my things to the station. My backpack alone was probably thirty pounds of weight and ready to burst open from how stuffed it was.

Jungeun still didn’t text back with anything, even as I was rolling my suitcase toward the door and packing the very last of my things into a small pouch that I tucked into my jacket pocket. Sooyoung spun in her chair, sensing how close I was to being done and getting up to give me a proper goodbye.

“Alright, well I’ll see you in like a month.” She pulled me into a warm, comforting hug that I readily accepted. The contact made me realize how weak and fragile I felt at that moment because I got startlingly close to breaking down, but kept it together, “If you get any updates on the whole Jungeun thing, you better keep me posted.”

I nodded into her shoulder, finding myself having an extremely hard time letting her go. She broke away first and I forced my grip on her to loosen.

“Go on, you’re gonna be late.” She waved me off dismissively, but wore a genuine, sincere smile that I did my best to return despite the state I was in.

I left and made sure to lock the door behind me.

As I said before, I’d lived in the city for a solid three or four months, but that didn’t mean I was at all familiar with it. I’d only ever made the trek from the train station to campus once - at the start of the semester, which felt like literally years ago. A map on your phone was only so helpful in the midst of a bustling urban area.

Fighting through my still everpresent inner turmoil, I did my best - making a few wrong turns and attempting a few failed shortcuts along the way before I finally made it. My ticket was firmly in my pocket, I had all my stuff, and from a purely travel-based perspective everything was accounted for and ready to go. The only lingering question was if _I_ was ready to go.

I knew that whether or not I felt ready or whether or not I wanted to go didn’t really matter, because I had to. There was a train coming in an hour, my parents had paid for this expensive ticket and were expecting me to be home for the holidays, my friends had been texting me on and off already making plans in advance for reunions and parties once we were all together again - there were just too many things happening for me to pull something out of the blue and not go back.

I knew that, so I was deeply annoyed at myself for my inability to just accept it and stop sulking. I couldn’t even take the advice I’d given to Jungeun like an hour before. It wasn’t like I was leaving forever, I was coming back. I’d see her again.

I took a trembling breath as I tried to get comfortable on the hard metal bench of the station, shutting my eyes that still stung from my lack of good sleep and my own emotional instability. Part of what was nagging me was definitely Jungeun’s lack of a response to my text. That, on top of how she’d hung up on me the night before was just adding an obscene amount of fuel to my overthinking tendencies. Had I said something wrong? Was it totally selfish of me to not just stay on the phone with her when she’d asked? Had she actually wanted to talk about something important, and I’d shut her down without even realizing? Was she mad at me?

I grumbled in frustration under my breath and held my head in my hands as it shook back and forth. _Shut uppp. God, you really like asking rhetorical questions that you can’t get an answer to, don’t you?_ My brain scolded me. I checked my phone but there wasn’t anything new. It was 8:45 now, it’d taken me a while to find my way there.

Only fifteen minutes until my train would pull up.

For some incredibly stupid reason I kept looking toward the entrance of the station I’d come from for any signs of people I knew. It was dumb, I knew nobody was coming. Everyone was busy, it was on a really weird day at a weird time where practically every person I knew had school or work. It just felt... really lonely, being here all by myself. And on top of the intense guilt I had due to not having a proper goodbye with Jungeun, I’d been too busy to really say goodbye to anyone else: Haseul, Kahei, Yerim, etc. It was like I was just vanishing without a word.

_You’re being super dramatic. You’re gonna see them all again in a month. I’m absolutely positive nobody is having as much of a crisis as you are right now, please chill._ The rational part of my brain tried to get me to calm down and stop all these thoughts, and I knew it was right. This honestly wasn’t a big deal. I’d see them soon.

After another tortuous fifteen minutes of waiting, the sound of my train being boarded was announced through the loudspeakers. My chest constricted, and for a second or two my body felt like it was cemented to the bench. It was incredibly hard to even force myself to stand. I checked my phone one last time as I slowly, reluctantly headed toward where the speakers told me. Still nothing.

As if it was my last chance or something equally as dramatic, I glanced over my shoulder toward the entrance of the station one last time to make sure that nobody was there--

\--and I spotted Heejin and Hyunjin, of all people.

My sudden confusion rooted me to the spot. Why were they here? Were they going somewhere? They were still in their school uniforms. Had they come straight from school? They seemed pretty indifferent and carefree, sort of just idly scanning the relatively thin crowd as they held hands. Were they looking for me? No, we weren’t nearly close enough for it to be warranted in the slightest that they come here to see me off. That made no sense.

But everything seemed to explain itself as soon as a particular blond popped into my view as she stepped out from behind them.

It was Jungeun. She was here. She looked frantic and desperate, her eyes flitting between the large clock on a nearby wall and back to the crowd. It was 9. She probably thought I’d left already.

Heejin spotted me first, my blonde hair probably helping me stand out a bit. She pointed and nudged Jungeun, who instantly looked toward me. Our eyes met, and I smiled so wide it almost hurt my cheeks. She couldn’t seem to manage one yet, seeming too shocked to even crack so much as a smirk. Instead she gestured slightly for Heejin and Hyunjin to wait there as she broke into a full on run to reach me. I was so stunned I could barely even move. It felt like I was in a movie or something.

As soon as she was close enough, her arms were instantly around me, pulling me against her so tightly it almost knocked the air out of my lungs from the impact, but I didn’t even flinch. Instead I instantly returned the embrace, clinging to her like my life depended on it. I shut my eyes, afraid that when I opened them she’d be gone and I’d be alone again.

I felt her fingers curl against my back, reminding me of our first hug, only this time it was a harder grip. It nearly hurt, but again, the mild pressure didn’t even cross my mind. I was too busy trying to cope with my own emotions and the intense urge I had to never let her go. Her breathing was uneven, but the longer I held onto her, the more it steadied and the less tense her body became.

When she spoke it was quiet and her voice was weak. Her breath ghosted against my ear and it made my heart leap into my throat, “Thank god... I thought you were gonna be gone.”

“No,” I reassured her instantly, that same smile not having faded from my face, “No, I’m right here.” Her arms shifted to wrap me in an even more secure hold. I could feel her shoulders starting to shake and it was only then that my expression became serious, “Hey... I’m here, see?” I briefly tightened my already constricting grip on her as if to further emphasize the reality of the situation. I was in total shock still - how was she even here? “How...? I thought you had class?”

“Fuck class,” Her response was firm and bold, and one of her hands moved to loosely cradle the back of my head, “I left, Heejin and Hyunjin brought me. My phone’s still at school so my parents won’t know.”

The fact that she’d gone through so much trouble just to make sure she could see me was insane. I just burrowed my nose slightly into her neck, unable to control how wide I was smiling. I was so glad she was here. And although she was happy too, there was a sadness lingering in the air and starting to cling onto both of us. We both knew how limited our time was.

“You train is leaving...” She stated matter-of-factly, her body abruptly beginning to feel fragile and weak to me right as the tone to her voice became strained all over again.

She was right. The speakers announced the number of the train again, which I’d told her before over text at some point. I guess she’d remembered. I didn’t know how to respond.

“Yeah...” The voice sounded over the speakers kept talking, telling the passengers of my train to board. Her stark reminder had been pretty necessary because with all of the commotion I’d almost totally forgotten about that. I wasn’t quite familiar enough with trains to know how many more times they’d announce the whole boarding thing before it just took off, but that tangible pressure that weighed down my chest returned, the sensation of it seeming amplified now that Jungeun was actually here.

She startled me by breaking away slightly, barely able to escape from how close and how hard I’d been clinging to her, and our eyes met. Hers were glossy with what I knew were tears and slightly red around the rims. Oh no, had she been crying? We were close - she hadn’t gone far. The slight shine of the tears seemed to make her eyes sparkle somehow, and the familiar sensation of getting lost in them was oddly comforting. I felt myself blushing when I suddenly had the thought that she might kiss me again. I’d practically forgotten about that kiss just from all of the rushing and scrambling and failed attempts at coordination over the past couple of days, but as the memory came flooding back into my head, I got those same butterflies of nerves fluttering around my chest. It was a weird contrast to the pressure still tangibly present there.

When she reached up with her impossibly soft hands and gently cupped my jaw, my breath subtly hitched and I braced myself for what I thought would be another absolutely mind-numbing kiss, but she instead leaned slightly forward and rested our foreheads against one another. Even just that - the small, sincere gesture was enough to send me reeling. It was so sweet and it said so much without her actually having to say a single word. Her eyes were closed, presumably to keep it together as she came apart at the seams.

Her next statement was spoken with so much raw, unfiltered emotion and intensity that it almost made me start to lose it, “I don’t want you to go...” Her voice broke on the last word, brow crinkling slightly from her distress.

My hands moved, resting on her sides and pulling her closer. The contact made her back arch slightly into my grasp, “I know... but I have to...”

We’d been so absolutely caught up in one another that neither of us had remotely taken into account our surroundings, let alone the fact that Heejin and Hyunjin had disobeyed Jungeun’s vague order to stay put and were now standing relatively nearby. The only reason I even noticed them was because Hyunjin abruptly piped up with an exaggerated groan.

  
“Jeeeez, you guys, chill out.” The both of us glanced over at her, startled and pulled from our own little world we’d been lost in. Heejin elbowed her girlfriend and shot her a look but Hyunjin readily disregarded it, rolling her eyes, “Jungeun she’s literally coming back in a month. And she’s not like, going off to war, she’s just gonna be at home.” She reached up with both of her hands to make a lowering motion, “You’re being super extra.”

Heejin elbowed her a second time, the motion presumably being a bit harder because Hyunjin gasped slightly, “Shh!” She looked toward us with an apologetic smile, “Sorry, you can continue. Hyunjin is just being rude.”

Hyunjin scoffed in mock-offense, “Rude?? Wow, okay, good to know what you think of me--” Heejin briefly wrenched her visibly tight grip on Hyunjin’s arm and stopped her words with a slight glare.

Their interference, although rather abrupt and jarring, was unintentionally helpful. If we hadn’t gotten interrupted I probably could’ve spent the next few minutes just talking and trying to comfort Jungeun and I’d miss my train. I knew I needed to leave and that I was already cutting it close. She knew that too, I could see it behind her eyes which were now open and staring back at me. She just didn’t want to accept it.

Slowly and with intense internal reluctance, I withdrew my hands from her and took a step back. God, the look on her face made me want to die. I tried to make this better, tried to make it seem okay, and I forced a smile to my face but I’m sure it just seemed more sad than happy.

“I’ve gotta get on the train...” I told her slowly, taking another step away but not being able to turn from her quite yet.

She nodded in understanding, but parted her lips as if to say something else. I stood still, giving her a chance to speak, but she didn’t. Instead, she surged closer again, closing the space between us a second time, and stood on her tiptoes to plant a soft, long kiss on my forehead, grabbing me by the front of my shirt briefly to pull me closer and balance herself.

When she pulled back, she made visible effort to put a fair distance between us, as if worried she just wouldn’t be able to let me leave unless she got far enough away. Heejin gently clasped her hand, also helping her to stay put.

I think she underestimated the extent of my reaction to that, because she seemed confused when I was more or less struck dumb and was frozen to the spot for a few long seconds. Finally I blinked myself out of my daze, smiled ever so slightly at her, and quickly rushed to catch my train. I barely made it through the doors as they closed.

The train pulled out of the station and before I knew it I was out of the city altogether. I watched out the window as the skyline was sent further and further into the distance, Jungeun along with it.

It was going to be a long break.


	8. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungeun and Jinsol reunite after a long separation...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

It was weird being in my room again, knowing that Sooyoung wasn’t gonna come in after her second class of the day to listen her music in her headphones and dance around while she sat at her desk. It was weird having most of my things packed up in suitcases, and that my old bedroom I’d spent so many years of my life in had more or less been turned into a storage closet for odds and ends from my parents. They reassured me that they’d clear some of the things out, but it’d been four days and there was still some dying potted plant in front of my window and a box full of musty books left over from the attic blocking the way to my closet.

Despite being at home, it didn’t quite feel like home. If that makes any sense. I more or less felt like this was some sort of vacation _away_ from home - which was university now. My dorm room with Sooyoung felt more home-like to me, I’d gotten so used to it, and her presence had become so comforting. Now that was missing. Being alone in this room felt... off, not nostalgic or reassuring like I would’ve thought.

I’d spent the morning sitting on my bed, sort of letting my mind wander as I considered a variety of different texts to send to Jungeun. I’d kept her updated on the boring train ride and sent her a selfie of my “reunion with my old room,” pretending like I was much happier to be there than I actually was. We’d both entered this weird state of not really addressing just how sad it was that we were separated. Ever since I left the train station, not a single sad text had been exchanged. Not even a frowny face. I think we both sort of knew that it wouldn’t do much good to keep bringing up how bad this situation felt to be in, and instead tried to make the best of it.

I’d made a plan for later that evening, but despite that, I wasn’t at all prepared for it. My best friend from home - Soyeon - was coming over to spend the night, and I was going to have to tell her the truth about everything that had gone down with Jungeun. There was an intense feeling of dread that had been lingering in the air around me ever since I’d made the plans a day or so earlier, and I wasn’t entirely sure why.

There wasn’t a chance she was going to reject me, or even just distance herself from me in the slightest. We’d both be absolutely incapable of anything of the sort. Soyeon had been my best friend for around eight years, but it felt like we’d known each other our whole lives. Although I haven’t mentioned it before, we kept in contact pretty consistently for most of the first semester. Out of everyone I’d ever met in my whole life, she was the easiest person to talk to. She fulfilled the role of my best friend, my therapist, previously my wingwoman and also the sister that I never had. My parents practically treated her as one of their own, during high school she spent half her time at my house, and I spent the other half at hers. We were inseparable.

Despite keeping her updated with most things throughout the duration of the first semester, she was in the dark about the intricacies of the whole Jungeun situation, and I had that familiar guilt where I was keeping vital information deliberately from someone I really cared about. It was basically a Haseul situation all over again, only amplified because of the depth and longevity of Soyeon and I’s friendship. So instead of letting it fester until I burst into tears totally unprompted, I made the smarter decision to just tell her.

The worst that could happen would be that she couldn’t “ship” me and one of our guy friends anymore. I always hated her insistence on that. She claimed we were “meant to be together,” which was just absurd to me. The pressure and influence had been so intense that I’d actually had a fling with him, but cut if off because I wasn’t into it at all. It almost ruined the friendship, but Soyeon was still convinced for some reason that one day we’d get together again. Maybe my gayness would finally stop that train of thought.

My phone started to buzz just as I was trying to type out my sixth version of “hey, how’s it going?” to Jungeun, and lit up with her face and name. She was facetiming me. We hadn’t done that yet, and I was far from ready.

Entering a slight panic, I shot out of bed and rushed to check my hair and makeup in the mirror. It was partially done, but my hair was a disaster area. Cursing under my breath, I frantically put it into a messy ponytail and answered the call right at its last ring.

At first the picture didn’t come through, but eventually I saw her face - her work cap and apron on while she sat in a room I didn’t recognize.

“Hi!” She exclaimed, waving at me with her free hand.

My heart was soaring at how genuinely happy she sounded, “Hey! Wow, it’s good to see you...” My mind went back and recalled just how actively we both seemed to be avoiding addressing the potential sadness of our separation. I made sure not to bring it up, but my last statement had come dangerously close.

She rested her head on her hand, staring deeply at me. Although this was all through a camera, and she was miles upon miles away, she could still effortlessly send me reeling when she put the right glint to her eyes, “It’s good to see you too...” Her words were wistful and distant. I could vaguely hear a conversation between two other people happening in whatever room she was in, but she seemed to be completely disregarding it. Only then did I notice she had one headphone in, partially concealed by her hair, so thankfully whoever else was there couldn’t hear me.

_I miss you_. Was all I could think to say, but I kept my mouth shut. For a while, we just stared at each other. _I really, really miss you._ I thought it in my head over and over, like that would somehow prevent me from blurting it out. The words swirled around in my upper chest, fighting to be said, but I kept them down.

She sighed lightly and finally looked away from me, instead letting her gaze idly scan the room, “What’re you up to today?” She took a sip of something from a straw slightly out of my view, “Anything fun?”

I nodded, though feeling a bit uncertain as to how much “fun” I would have leading up to the confession I was going to be making, “Yeah, um, Soyeon is gonna come over later for a sleepover.” I’d already told Jungeun about Soyeon in earlier texts, but it seemed to take a second or two for a flash of recognition to show behind her eyes.

“Ah. That is fun.” Her voice was rather monotone. She sounded tired.

I moved to sit back down on my bed, some of my Red Velvet posters now visible to her over my shoulder, “What about you? What’s been going on back--” I stopped myself, startled when I realized I’d almost said “back home.” This was home. I _was_ home. Right? So I wasn’t sure what to call the city, “--back there?” It sounded off, but I wasn’t sure how else to word it.

She let out a longer sigh, shutting her eyes and gently rubbing at one of them, “Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m exhausted.” Now that she mentioned it, there were very slight dark circles beneath her eyes and most of her movements seemed slightly slowed, “I was up until like... three AM last night talking to Yerim.”

“Jesus, about what?”

She took another sip out of what I now noticed was some sort of coffee, “She wouldn’t say. She was just really really sad about something.”

This made no sense at all to me, “She wouldn’t say?” Jungeun just nodded slowly, “ _Yerim_ wouldn’t say something?” Her nod quickened, seeming to readily agree with my confusion, “What? Do you have any idea what it could be about?”

She shrugged, “Trust me, I have no clue. That’s why I was up so late, I was trying to get it out of her.”

My chest tightened at the thought of Yerim so much as frowning. I wanted to find whatever was making her sad and beat it to a pulp, “Well, how sad was she?”

Jungeun frowned, not seeming to even like remembering the situation, “Pretty damn sad. I couldn’t tell if she was crying, but sometimes she’d hold the phone away for a while and wouldn’t talk...” She shook her head back and forth, brow crinkling in concern at the memories, “God Jinsol, the tone to her voice made my heart just break.”

I hadn’t even heard it and I already felt a pang of concern shoot through me from the description. Haseul-like mom instincts kicked in and more than anything I wished I was back there, just so I could go find Yerim and take her out to get a donut or something, anything just to get her to smile. I’d only been gone for a week or two, how much could have transpired since I’d left to get her so sad? Maybe it was something situational, like her cat dying. That would definitely make her sad. But why would she conceal that? Yerim wasn’t one to keep secrets, she was a pretty open book. That was the part that made the least sense.

My curiosity had piqued right along with my worry, “Has she ever gotten sad like that before?”

She fiddled absentmindedly with her ponytail, twirling it around her finger, “No. She’s Yerim, the saddest I think I’ve ever seen her was when she dropped an ice cream cone on the ground once a few years back. It was pretty devastating for her.”

The other voice in the room - some dude - piped up and her eyes moved to someone out of view. I had a hard time hearing him, but he said something about work.

Jungeun sighed, “I’ve gotta go, break’s done,” She got to her feet, still holding her phone in her hand, “Have fun at your sleepover, should I not call you later?”

“No,” My response was a bit frantic but I couldn’t help it, “No, you can call if you want. Soyeon won’t mind, she just might want to say hi.” That was an understatement. If Jungeun called after I’d come out to Soyeon, she’d want a full on interrogation to make sure she was “good enough for me.” She was that type of friend.

Jungeun nodded, adjusting her apron slightly, “Gotcha. Then I might talk to you again tonight, okay?” It was only then that her tone had a tinge of sadness to it. It was subtle, but I’d been listening so intently it was impossible to miss.

“Yeah. See you,” She pushed a door open and I vaguely heard the semi-familiar ambience of café chatter right as she blew me a kiss and ended the call.

My mind was totally consumed with thoughts of Yerim for the rest of the afternoon. I had to clean up my room and do a few chores around the house but I was incredibly distracted all the while. What could possibly be wrong? Was it something going on at home? What made her so unable to tell? Did it have something to do with Jungeun, is that why she wouldn’t tell? No, that didn’t make sense, why would she call Jungeun to cryptically talk about how Jungeun was making her upset? So what was it then?

A few minutes before Soyeon was due to show up, I pulled out my phone and sent her a text for good measure. I didn’t want it to seem like Jungeun had told me anything was wrong, because presumably all of that had been done in confidence, so I kept it vague.

_hey yerim! was thinking about you today, been missing you <3 how have things been going in history, and yaknow, life in general? maybe we could talk later and catch up_

Right after I hit send, as if on cue I heard a familiarly loud car engine obnoxiously revving in my driveway. Rolling my eyes, I rushed to the door but it wasn’t even necessary since Soyeon had already barged right in, as per usual.

“Yo!” She pulled me into a quick hug, “Damn this is just like old times huh? Are your folks home?” She waltzed inside like she owned the place, eyes scanning the walls and the furniture as if checking to see if we’d gotten anything new. We hadn’t.

“Not right now, they went out to get dinner or something,” Already this nonchalance felt stilted on my end, mainly because it was. Besides arranging this hangout I hadn’t at all thought of a natural seeming way to bring up the topic of Jungeun, and now that Soyeon was actually here I just felt more pressure, “Um, here, let’s head to my room. Don’t mind the stuff, my parents kinda treat it like a storage closet nowadays.”

She followed as I headed down the hall, but I could feel her eying me. I think she already sensed something was up. Not only was Soyeon one of the most naturally intuitive people I’d ever met, on its own but she was also exceptionally good at reading me because of how long we’d known each other. She’d been at my side through my best and worst times, and she knew me more than anyone else on earth. Although I wasn’t surprised that she already totally saw through my feigned casual tone, I was surprised at just how specific her intuition could get.

She entered my room last and slammed my door for needless dramatic effect, spinning on her heel and narrowing her eyes at me, “You like someone.” One of her long fingers raised and pointed at me accusingly.

My stomach dropped, “What?” I could already feel my face turning red. Damn it. How was she so good at this? I couldn’t read her nearly as well and it felt unfair.

She smirked in a smug way that reminded me a lot of Sooyoung. Now that I thought about it, Sooyoung has a lot of resemblance to Soyeon in a lot of ways. Not including the gay thing, of course.

“You're doing the thing where you won’t make eye contact, and you only do that when you’re keeping something from me.” She put her hands on her hips as her expression became jokingly indignant, “I am hereby invoking my best friend tax: you _have_ to tell me who you like this instant.”

I wanted to tell her about Jungeun, but I didn’t want the conversation to go this way. I’d wanted to be more in charge of how it came about, but I started to slowly realize that I’d lost my chance. Despite that, I tried to deflect halfheartedly, “How do you know it’s about liking someone? What does that have to do with anything?” I sounded basically as unconvincing as I possibly could.

She scoffed, “What else would you have to hide from me?? Did you rob a bank while you were over there?” She gasped loudly, “Did you get a tattoo?! Because we both agreed we’d get out first regrettable tattoo together and that they’d match, so if you did that without me you’re a dead woman and we aren’t friends anymore.”

I held up my hand to stop her theories, “No, I would never get a tattoo, are you crazy?”

She shrugged, “Depends on who you ask.” I watched as she casually strolled toward my bed and took the liberty of sitting down, “So who do you like then? It must be a pretty new thing cuz you have literally never mentioned a single guy when you talk about school.” She didn’t understand the connotation that she’d just unintentionally applied, gently patting the available spot at her side, “You better come here and spill right now.”

I knew I didn’t really have much of a choice, she’d discovered me before I even had a chance to awkwardly force normal conversation and clumsily transition into the topic. The sooner the better I guess?

“Um... okay.” The sinking feeling and the tightness in my chest only seemed to get worse. Although I’d said it before, and I’d more or less come out twice now, it felt different this time. Soyeon was one of the most, if not _the_ most important person in my life. The stakes felt higher.

Her brow furrowed, “Jindollie, why are you so nervous?” She used my old nickname, something I hadn’t heard in a long time that prompted an unexpected wave of nostalgia.

I sighed, “Uh... look, just... promise not to freak out?” I knew it was pointless to even ask. Of course she was going to freak out, this was a pretty significant thing. And she tended to completely overreact from even the most throwaway drama.

She agreed readily, “Yeah of course not, but you’re making me nervous now. Did you get mixed up with someone bad? Or like a super old dude??”

“No, stop.” I didn’t let her imagination run too wild because she could really go on forever, “It’s... nothing like that.”

Now she just seemed impatient, getting physically antsy and bouncing slightly where she sat, “Alright, alright, quit leaving me in suspense. What’s his name?”

I clenched my fists and took a deep breath, bracing for the impact of her realization, “Jungeun.”

Her eyebrow raised, “Jungeun? I’ve heard that— oh, that’s the girl you met at the café right? Or am I remembering that wrong?”

She wasn’t getting it. My heart started beating harder, “Nope, that’s her...” I emphasized the gender ever so slightly, hoping it’d get it through her thick skull.

She still wasn’t getting it, “Well what about her? Does she have a brother or something?”

I couldn’t believe how dense she was being right now. What happened to her normal intuition?

I rolled my eyes, “Nooo.” Deciding to let her figure it out for herself, I gave her a harsh look that showed just how stupid she was being.

She still seemed confused, not understanding my annoyance or the blush that had been steadily creeping to my cheeks ever since I’d said Jungeun’s name aloud. She stared at me with those narrowed eyes for a half a minute, then a minute, the cogs in her mind visibly turning, before finally something clicked.

“Oh—? Wait.” Her jaw dropped slowly, the realization seeming to dawn on her gradually, “Wait, you...?” I held my stare. It seemed to speed up whatever process she was mentally going through. “ _Oh_.”

She got it.

And she leapt up, actually jumping back to her feet, eyes wide, a slight smile creeping to her face, “UM. WAIT, YOU LIKE _HER_?” She was totally baffled, but she didn’t seem mad. She didn’t seem disappointed or disgusted or disapproving, only surprised and _very_ desperate for more details. As soon as I saw that she just wanted to know more and didn’t have any sort of malicious intent, the tension that had previously made my whole body feel like cement drained straight out of me, and I finally let myself grin right along with her.

I nodded, remaining surprisingly calm while she was nearly ready to burst, “Yep.” I popped the “p” sound slightly for emphasis.

That was not nearly enough information for her. I think she felt that a full plot synopsis was in order without her even having to request it, “Well?? What, where, when, how?? Details please, oh my god?”

The following hours consists of me giving what was probably the most in depth recounting of every single encounter I’d ever had with Jungeun, from all the way back to the first time I saw her to the recent emotional departure from the train station. She visibly clung to every word, totally enthralled and starstruck, asking clarifying questions and for more specific details every now and then. Telling her all this without even trying to filter myself while she was so intensely interested was the most refreshing and cathartic thing I’d ever done in my life. Her reactions almost perfectly emulated mine in the moment: she squealed when I retold the numerous instances of flirting, she empathized when I told her about how strict and unforgiving Jungeun’s parents were, she frowned bitterly when I tried and failed to express how sad it was to leave her behind back in the city, when I told her about the kiss she was practically giddy, flapping her hands around and repeatedly muttering “oh my god oh my god” and forcing me to be more descriptive than I naturally would have been.

Upon the conclusion and the most recent update, she just sat there, totally shocked and probably overwhelmed by all the information I’d just dumped on her.

She took a deep breath, still smiling slightly in disbelief, “Wow, okay, damn. Do you have any pictures of this girl?”

My heart skipped a beat as I tugged my phone from my pocket. I actually had a whole album, having gone back and saved all the selfies she’d sent me as well as doing some minor creeping on her social media. Can you blame me? I pulled up a particularly breathtaking one and flipped my phone around for her to see.

She gasped loudly and literally snatched my phone from my hand to bring it closer, “ _Wow._ ” Her eyes were so wide I was worried they may pop straight out of her head if they got any bigger. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her reaction, “ _This_ girl kissed you?? _You_ kissed _this_ girl??” She was in shock.

I feigned offense, “What, do you think she’s outta my league?”

She took an extra few seconds to respond, a bit entranced by the picture still, “No shut up, it’s just... _damn_ Jinsol, I’m not even into that and I’d kiss this girl!”

I shoved her lightly, “Shut up...”

She just laughed, seeming to have an extremely hard time taking in all of this information, and then her brow furrowed for a second. She didn’t flinch when I reached forward and tugged my phone from her now loosened grasp, seeming lost in her thoughts for some reason.

“What?” I asked, briefly checking to see if either Yerim or Jungeun had said anything to me. There was nothing. Yerim had read my text but didn’t respond, which was also extremely unlike her.

She smiled smugly and my brow furrowed, “Yaknow, this actually explains something.” She snapped, pointing toward me, seeming excited, “Eunwoo.”

My brow furrowed at the mentioning of the name, “Eunwoo...?”

“Eunwoo.” She nodded firmly once, rolling her eyes at my persisting misunderstanding, “Don’t even try to pretend like you forgot about her.”

I hadn’t, but I didn’t see why it was relevant. She was a girl a grade above us who I’d tried and failed to befriend. It was all pretty foggy, honestly - it’d been almost two years ago. All I remembered was she was popular, had a lot of friends, and I was too nervous to so much as look at her, let alone talk to her. Soyeon had been informed of all of this as it was happening. But why was she bringing it up now?

She explained without me having to ask, “I get it now. You were head over heels for that girl, right?”

“What??” Confused, I tried harder to think back on that time. It was Junior year. I didn’t remember a lot from back then. I think it was toward the end of the year, near summer.

Eunwoo had been... really pretty, to say the least. I did remember that part, but what had been murky was why I’d been so infatuated with her for that span of time. It had been pretty abrupt and weirdly intense.

Had that been a crush?

Soyeon was right, that _did_ make sense. Maybe seeing her strut around the halls had been some sort of awakening that had scared me so much I’d repressed it into oblivion. Now that I thought more about it, the summer after that year was when most of my meaningless flings with various guys happened. Was I trying to overcompensate for my gayness and convince myself I liked boys?

Soyeon nodded some more, satisfied with her own sleuthing, “Yep, that’s it. Wow didn’t know I’d have to wait two years for an explanation on that one, but here we are.”

“Yeah, well—“ my words stopped short when my phone started to ring. It was Jungeun’s unique ringtone. I glanced at my clock, realizing that I’d been gossiping about Jungeun for almost three hours. It was late now, around 10. My eyes flitted to my phone and then back to Soyeon in a not so discreet way.

“What?” It only took her a second, “Is that her??”

“Yes! Shh, I’m answering, I told her I’d answer!” We were both whispering for some reason, as if Jungeun could somehow hear us before even picking up the phone.

This situation wasn’t ideal. I did _not_ trust Soyeon to be quiet for this, but I didn’t have much of a choice. Holding up my hand to her and doing my best to wordlessly beg her to be quiet with just my eyes, I answered.

“Hello?”

The first sound I heard on the other end was a sniffle. The slight smile that had lingered on my face from Soyeon and I’s antics faded in an instant, and she noticed. She had definitely planned on interfering somehow in the conversation, but once she saw how my expression changed, she turned serious in a heartbeat.

“Jinsol...?” Jungeun’s voice was weak and it broke after the first syllable. My heart wrenched.

“Hey, hey,” I made my tone soft and gentle, hoping it would comfort her somehow before I even knew what was wrong, “What’s going on?” I wracked my brain for whatever may have happened to make her so upset. Was it something to do with Yerim?

Soyeon’s brow furrowed and she leaned her head slightly closer to me, presumably to eavesdrop. I shooed her away with my hand but she didn’t budge.

I could vaguely hear her shaky breathing and the sound of it made my thoughts begin to run rampant. What had happened? What could I do to help? Could I help? I did my best to quell my bustling brain and tried hard to focus on her next choppy, erratically spoken words, “I-I...” There was a pause that left me hanging in dreadful suspense, “ _God_ , Jinsol, I-I _miss_ you.” Wow. The way she said that made my chest just... hurt. It was such a raw and unfiltered statement that seemed so simple but carried serious weight. We hadn’t ever said it outright, and it had been two weeks. We both felt it but never confessed it. She kept going, as if her initial reveal hadn’t been emphasized enough, “I _miss_ you, I _miss_ you so _much_ and I wish you were here more than _anything_...”

My eyes flitted to Soyeon, who I’d nearly forgotten was even in the room from how effortlessly immersed I had become from hearing Jungeun’s strained voice. Soyeon looked intensely curious but also was entirely oblivious to the deeper connotations that this conversation evidently had. She pointed to the phone and mouthed the words “put it on speaker,” which I instantly shook my head at.

It took conscious effort to not simply blurt out with equal, if not greater desperation and intensity that I missed her too. God did I miss her. Soyeon seemed to finally be getting the message when I shot her a piercing death glare, and she raised her hands up in defense before standing up and leaving my room. The door was left open a crack, and I knew she was hovering in the hallway, but I also knew it was pointless trying to get her to go any further.

“I miss you too,” I clung to my phone harder, with white knuckles, like she could somehow feel it, “I really _really_ miss you, I think about you all the time...” I hadn’t even planned on saying that last part, it had left me without even a second of consideration.

For a long time, neither of us said a word. We just stayed on the line, listening to the sound of each other’s breathing - hers unsteady and trembling while mine was getting more and more drawn out and audible the longer the silence lasted. For a second Soyeon peeked her head through the crack in the door but I sensed it and glared at her until she retreated again.

“I... need to talk to you.” Jungeun whispered to me so quietly I almost couldn’t hear. I was unsure if she was whispering for fear of being discovered on the phone, or if she was worried talking any louder would make her lose her composure.

What she said confused me, “You can talk to me now, I’m right here--”

“--No, in person. I mean in person.” She took a deep, trembling breath, having only dared to raise her voice slightly higher for the emphasis of what she meant, “I need to talk to you in person.”

My heart fluttered at just how intense her voice was - at how _desperate_ she was and how pleading her words were. I wasn’t sure how to react.

I was so intensely curious. What did she possibly have to say that was so important she couldn’t convey it over the phone? That didn’t seem like her. She seemed so uncharacteristically vulnerable right now. My mind went back to that confident, charismatic girl who I’d first encountered at the café, and I found it surreal just how far we’d come, how much better I truly knew her and how much better she knew me.

“...about what?” I asked her in a near whisper as well, feeling as if this were some sort of precious secret that nobody could overhear. The door to my room creaked audibly from someone touching it and I threw one of my pillows toward it. Soyeon yelped slightly from the hall.

There was another dragging pause that seemed to pull all of the air straight out of my lungs from the depths of the suspense she left me hanging in.

Her eventual answer simply left me with more questions, “Just... I’m really confused and nervous, Jinsol.” For some reason she said that as if it would rid me of any and all confusion. My brow furrowed. Was she skirting around this on purpose, and if so, why? What secret was significant enough that she didn’t feel comfortable telling me? From what I could remember, she’d never withheld things from me before, even telling me stuff she probably shouldn’t have.

I shifted where I sat, feeling those nerves that I hadn’t gotten in a while starting to resurface at all of the possibilities. What if this was something bad? What if that was why she was upset?  
  


“What are you confused about...?” My mild fear reflected slightly in my voice, and I wondered if she caught it. I wondered if it’d effect her at all, or if she was so distracted with trying to keep herself together that she didn’t even notice.

She took a deep breath, stuttering out the starts of words but not seeming to actually commit to any of them. My fears were making my stomach start to hurt. Why was she so hesitant?? She’d never been like this before. What was going on?  
  


“About...” My ears pricked up at the sound of a real word, and my free hand clenched into a tight fist that balled up a portion of my sheets, “...you.”

My stomach dropped. Me? All of this, all of her distress and uncertainty and confusion, it was about me? I felt my throat tighten and my eyes start to burn. I hadn’t expected this. I wasn’t sure what I _was_ expecting, but it hadn’t been this, and it seemed like my whole world was crumbling around me.

What did this have to do with me? How had I somehow made her upset? What had I done? Had I even done something, or was it something I _hadn’t_ done? Oh no, was this about... us? About the feelings that we clearly had for each other - the ones we both kept dancing around and wouldn’t outwardly confess to one another? Was she having second thoughts? About the kiss, about me, about us? What even was “us?” Was there an “us?” Was I wrongly assuming things? Had she changed her mind? Was this all over?

All of these thoughts and what seemed like a billion more flooded my mind and consumed my entire being all from that simple explanation. The only thing that seemed to leave me was a nearly inaudible, incredibly timid sounding clarification, “...me?” It was clear how much she was terrifying me. It showed through in my tone.

“I’m...” She spoke frantically but stopped in her tracks when her voice broke sharply. My chest was so tight that it nearly hurt to breathe, “I...” A sound that resembled a suppressed sob made its way through my phone and I felt my heart breaking straight down the middle. I clenched my phone so tightly I was surprised it didn’t snap in two, “I need to do this in person.” Her words didn’t waver that time and were suddenly firm.

She couldn’t leave me like this, without any sort of answer. My mind was already eating itself alive with conflicting thoughts and potential scenarios of the different outcomes of this situation. Desperate, I offered a solution, “...okay. Not even Facetime?”

Her response was instantaneous, as if she’d expected the request, “No.”

I didn’t want to push her. It wouldn’t amount to anything anyway, I could tell how set she was on this, “...okay.” Despite semi-accepting my frustrating position here, I couldn’t mask the disappointment, fear and worry from my voice.

Another sound that sounded painfully similar to a sob made my lip almost start to quiver. I didn’t want her to cry. I _hated_ the thought of her shedding a single tear, and even more so I hated that I couldn’t be there to comfort her. I didn’t know what to say. Would trying to help over the phone just make it worse, if I didn’t even know what was making her this upset? Was I the problem?

I couldn’t help it, I had to try and fix things - the instinct was too strong, “Please, _please_ don’t cry.” My voice trembled so hard my words were barely even coherent.

“I’m not.” She tried to steady her breaths and her voice but failed miserably, only seeming to come further apart at the attempt.

“You’re lying.” I told her softly, still whispering for a reason I wasn’t sure of. She took in a sharp inhale that was followed by what I knew for sure was a sob, though she’d held the phone away so it sounded oddly distant. I felt myself tearing up, “Please, Jungeun, you’re gonna make me lose it. Please don’t.” I shut my eyes tightly, as if that would help.

“I’m... not.” Now she wasn’t even hiding it anymore. She couldn’t. It wasn’t hysterical, it was soft and subdued, but she was crying. I’d never heard a worst sound in my entire life.

I pursed my lips, taking a deep, measured breath. I hated this. I hated everything about it.

She spoke - or rather, tried to - between her tears and the occasional sharp sob, “I wish you were here. I wish you were with me right now.” I pieced together those two sentences from what I could understand, and she just said them and different varieties of them over and over.

All I could manage out was a quiet, muted, “Me too.”

I knew that once we actually addressed how much we missed one another it would hit us pretty hard, but I’d never anticipated this. It felt like my chest was concaving. My heart physically ached. If Hyunjin was here right about now, she’d never let us live down how “dramatic” we were being, but it didn’t feel that way. This felt real. This desperation felt real, the sadness felt real, the pain felt real and the empathy and yearning to be near each other again was one of the realest emotions I’d ever been faced with. Not an ounce of this was exaggerated. Everything I’d said to Jungeun over this call had come straight from my heart and had been unfiltered and unedited, and despite not being able to know for sure, I somehow was positive the same could be said on her end.

Soyeon poked her head into the room again, brow furrowing at how distraught I must have visibly looked. She mouthed the words “is she okay?” and I shook my head back and forth. Soyeon nodded, withdrew, and properly shut the door that time, latch and all.

I cleared my throat slightly in an attempt to steady my voice, but my eyes were stinging more and more with every passing second I could hear her crying, “Hey... Jungeun, listen, I’ll be home in just a little bit more than a week. Okay? I know that’s a while away, but... we’re almost there.”

She sniffled, “I... yeah... I know. I’m sorry, I-I’m being ridiculous...”

My heart wrenched, “No you aren’t. Don’t think like that.”

There was a pause, and I listened closely. Her composure seemed to be returning to her, slowly but surely, her tears becoming less intense, “...Are you with Soyeon?”

The question was so off topic that I knew she was trying to talk about something else in order to take her mind off of how far we were from one another. I jumped at the chance, unsure if I could hold back my own breakdown if this kept going the way it was, “Yeah, um, she’s just in the other room.” I decided against informing her that I’d literally sent Soyeon away just so I could have this call. She’d probably be embarrassed.

She cleared her throat again, taking an audible breath, “Cool, cool... are you having fun?”

I slightly hugged myself, shutting my eyes again, “Yeah, it’s great to see her. We’ve just been talking about... yaknow, college and stuff.” We had barely strayed a single step away from the whole Jungeun topic, but again, she’d get embarrassed if I told her that.

“That’s good, um... I think I’m gonna go,” I heard some rustling from the other end, presumably as she started to move around wherever she was calling me from, “Goodnight, tell Soyeon I said hi.”

Before she had a chance to hang up all the way, I quickly interjected, “Wait, Jungeun, I...” I took a deep breath, making sure to steady my voice so I could sound as firm and confident as possible, “I’ll see you soon. Only eight more days.”

She sighed, sniffling slightly, “Stop, I’m gonna cry again...” A very light and airy laugh blessed my ears and instantly lifted my spirits. Even after all that, a smile came to my face at the sound, “I’m looking forward to it.” She scoffed at herself, “That’s an understatement.”

I laughed along with her, grateful for the tightness in my chest loosening up, but still feeling a bit weighted by the concept of whatever it was Jungeun was still actively keeping from me, “Goodnight.”

The call ended and I put my phone back down on the bed, yelling for Soyeon to come back in. The door was thrown open immediately and she burst into the room, “What was that about? What happened??” I assumed that while she was in the hall, her own imagination was running totally rampant with how this conversation went and what had been wrong. Since she had even less information and context at hand, and since I knew she tended to jump to some pretty ridiculous conclusions, I summarized the phone call calmly and briefly.

There wasn’t much to tell besides just how much we missed each other. Soyeon was pretty damn furious that I didn’t somehow get a more solid answer out of Jungeun about the mystery topic she needed to talk to me about. Apparently I should’ve pushed her harder and been more persistent - I’d “dropped it too quickly.” I disregarded her critiques and we more or less abandoned the topic, instead deciding to focus more about Soyeon and her numerous escapades at her own college. She had plenty of stories to tell, and it was good to take my mind off of all the confusing Jungeun vagueness by immersing myself in the comforting nostalgia of Soyeon’s rambling, hard to follow tall tales.

Around 2 AM, when Soyeon and I were finally getting burnt out enough to head to bed, I got a text from Jungeun. I refrained from sharing it with Soyen because I didn’t want to get her hyped up when I’d only barely managed to get her to a subdued energy level. 

(Soyeon had forced me to add the heart to Jungeun’s contact, receiving only mild resistance from me)

_Jungeun <3: i’m sorry if i was being really vague and wouldn’t answer your questions earlier, but to sort of explain things more, i just think that if i tried to say this over the phone or even type it out, it wouldn’t make sense or it would come out wrong. And i really need this to sound right. So as soon as i see you in person again, we can talk about it. okay?_

I texted out a hidden response, my phone lighting up my dark room as Soyeon had her back turned to me while she tried to sleep.

_You don’t have to apologize, i understand. I’m just sort of_

I hesitated, wondering if I should even mention my worry and uncertainty. I deleted part of it.

_I just got scared, because i care about you a lot and i was worried i’d done something to make you upset._

My heart was in my throat. Was that too much? Should I just accept her apology and not mention my own feelings...?

My eyes flitted to the sleeping Soyeon, and although she wasn’t conscious and couldn’t interfere, I knew that if she could she’d be practically screaming at me to start being more direct. To take more action and stop being such a passive bystander in this relationship, or whatever it was. And she was right. I knew she was. It was just terrifying to me.

Taking a deep breath, I shut down my overloaded mind and forced my thumb to press send, feeling panic start to set in as soon as I saw that the text had gone through. She read it immediately.

_Jungeun <3: no you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t worry about that. Really, i don’t want you stressed about this at all. okay? _

Surprisingly, despite not receiving any real information, just that - her simple reassurance, was enough to make every single one of my nerves dissipate into nothing. I took in the first real breath that I’d gotten in ever since I’d heard her start crying hours before.

_Okay <3_

She didn’t say anything else and neither did I. I was lulled to sleep by the sound of Soyeon’s steady breathing, wondering if these next eight days would go by faster or slower than the others.

***

The answer was slower. Way way way slower. It was absolute agony. Jungeun and I kept in contact, texting almost constantly about literally anything and having phone calls that lasted for hours. We never brought up how badly or how obviously we missed each other, since neither of us felt like bawling hysterically out of nowhere for a second time. The mystery topic was also never mentioned again, but I wasn’t too upset about that, because it helped me to not dwell and let my mind wander about all the scary possibilities.

Yerim texted me back eventually with her perfectly normal chipper tone, which was reassuring, but instantly set off alarms when she made up an excuse to not have to call me. That was unlike her, she usually jumped at any chance to call. I’d have to meet up with her when I got back, maybe she’d tell me about whatever was going on? It worried me.

The last week or so at home wasn’t too enjoyable. I spent nearly every second of it with Soyeon, which was fun on its own, but my mind was constantly distracted by either whatever was wrong with Yerim or the mysterious conversation I was going to have with Jungeun. Sometimes Soyeon would get on my case about it, saying that I’d “left half my IQ back at that damn city,” which was pretty fair.

I got to the train station a solid hour before the train was even supposed to arrive, antsy as hell and knowing that the ride there was going to be torture. I’d done everything early: packed up, said my goodbyes, even arrived at the station, because I wanted to get back to the city as soon as I possibly could. I took a selfie for Jungeun and sent it to her, showing where I was, and she responded with a bunch of exclamation points and various incoherent jumbles of letters. That was basically how I felt, too.

We’d made a plan. The train was supposed to arrive back in the city at 1, and Jungeun had work at 2. It’d take me a while to lug all of my things all the way back to my dorm, so she was gonna come see me at 1:30 to talk. I found myself strangely reassured that she thought the conversation could fit into such a slim timeframe. Maybe it wasn’t too much of a big deal then? At least that’s what I told myself so I might stop feeling nauseous during the torturous train ride.

As soon as I saw that skyline in the distance, my already intense excitement had gotten so overwhelming it felt like I was going to explode. Haseul was waiting for me at the station, too, just to say a quick hello before she had to run to work. God I was looking forward to seeing her - or rather, to seeing everyone. I’d missed Sooyoung. You’d think that i’d like having my own room again, but it just felt like something was missing. She wasn’t there to throw passive aggressive comments at me when I forgot to make my bed, or when I slept in past noon. It just didn’t feel right. I missed Kahei too - all her nervous little smiles and her adorably sincere compliments that she’d randomly sprinkle into conversations. I was literally sitting on a train alone smiling like an idiot to myself just at the thought of all these people.

The station was more crowded than when I’d left and I kept getting jostled and nudged as I tried to find my way around. I swear, no matter how many times I try to navigate that place I’ll never not look like a lost puppy while I try to make sense of everything. Eventually, after a couple wrong turns I found the exit - only having tripped over my own rolling suitcase two times, which was a personal achievement.

Haseul spotted me before I spotted her, “Jinsol!!” The smile I’d gotten back on the train returned in full force, and I jogged over to her, glad to be slightly out of the crowd. She took the liberty of taking one of my numerous bags and slinging it over her shoulder, hugging me tightly, “Ugh, I missed you. It’s been so _boring_ without you here, I’ve been stranded with Yeojin.”

I laughed, giving her an extra squeeze for good measure, “How have you survived??”

She sighed happily, “I have no clue, but that doesn’t matter anymore because you’re back, and we’ve gotta make up for lost time!” She pulled away, scanning me up and down to make sure I was put together, “C’mon, don’t you have some appointment in half an hour?” I forgot that’s how I worded it to her when I’d explained my schedule for the day, but I suppose it was a sort of appointment, “Do you want me to carry anything else? Do your arms hurt?”

I rolled my eyes, heading toward the exit, “No mom, thank you though.” I swear sometimes Haseul felt more like my mom than my actual mom, and I had no problem with that.

We thankfully didn’t have to walk all the way back to campus and instead crammed all my things into the trunk of Haseul’s car, chatting up a storm about our respective breaks. The closer I got to campus, the more nervous I started to feel for a reason I wasn’t sure of. It was probably because of Jungeun. I was only ever usually this nervous if it had something to do with Jungeun.

Despite definitely having to go to work, Haseul insisted on helping my with all of my stuff up three flights of stairs so that I wouldn’t have to make two trips, and it was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me, but she did stuff like that every day. Sometimes she was so selfless it made me question if I was a bad person, when in reality I think I was just a normal level of selfless while Haseul was off the charts.

The two of us let out a simultaneous, much needed deep breath once all my stuff was officially in my room, and she looked at me with a small smile, “Okay! You’re all set, so I’ve gotta run. Maybe we can get together after I get out of work? We still have a lot to catch up on.” I could tell she was alluding to my sexuality but trying to be sneaky about it. We hadn’t had much of a chance to actually sit down and talk about it since I’d come out to her, sobbing like a lunatic in her car. I definitely owed her some answers to whatever questions she had, it was the absolute least I could do.

“Yes. Yeah, I’ll text you after my uh-- appointment, and let you know when I’d be free.” She nodded, moving to the door to head out, but I made sure to add before she had a chance to leave earshot, “I missed you.”

She beamed back at me, waving as she turned the corner and headed off down the hall, “I missed you too! Love you, text me!” I vaguely heard her jogging away, probably being well past late at this point.

And I was alone. My eyes shot to the clock. It was 1:20. Oh boy. My heart leapt to my throat at the realization that Jungeun was probably on her way there right then. I started to nervously pace, not knowing what else to do with myself, looking in the mirror every time I passed it to make sure my makeup was okay and my outfit looked good. Sooyoung’s things were on her side of the room, still packed but placed in neat little piles. The air also slightly smelled like her perfume. I wondered where she’d gone and hoped she wasn’t going to barge in while Jungeun and I were talking.

1:25.

Five minutes. Jesus, my nervousness had gotten to those familiar though debilitating Jungeun-levels. I stopped my pacing and just stared at the closed door of my room, wondering if i should leave it closed or open it. What should I say when I answered the door? Was she going to knock, or was she going to text me? Were we going to talk here, or were we going to go somewhere? Was I supposed to greet her, or sort of just let her start talking? Was she going to hug me? Should I hug her? I wanted to. But I didn’t know what we were going to talk about and a hug might not be appropriate for the topic? Or something?

Someone knocked and I literally jumped, startled from my train of thought. It could only be her. My heart started to beat so fast I was concerned for my health.

_Just answer it. It’s fine, she told you not to be worried. So don’t be worried. Right?_ The rational part of my brain resurfaced for the first time in what felt like forever, and although its efforts were appreciated, it wasn’t really doing me any good.

Taking a deep breath, I walked over and clasped the knob with a shaking hand. God it felt like I was frozen. I just couldn’t move.

A second, slower knock barely managed to snap me out of the stupor I’d put myself into, and my wrist turned on its own - twisting the knob and unclicking the latch. Clenching one of my fists behind my back so hard that my nails probably left indentations in my palm, I opened the door.

Jungeun stood there, looking just... stunning, as per usual. I couldn’t help but take a quick second to look her up and down, taking in her outfit and how well everything tied together, but didn’t feel embarrassed because she did the same thing to me - even daring to take her time. Already I felt heat rushing to my cheeks.

“Hi...” My voice was distant, I couldn’t help it. Sometimes she literally had me speechless, and after not seeing her for a while the effect only seemed amplified.

She was looking at me, but not at my eyes. No, instead she was staring straight at my lips, not even trying to hide it. My heart felt like it was about to burst.

I didn’t have a chance to stammer anything else out, because in the next second, she was against me. Her hands shot forward, wrapping around my waist and tugging me close, her lips finding mine instantly and making my whole body feel like it was melting. I couldn’t keep back or anticipate the needy whimper that left me at the unexpected contact, my head swimming, my hands shaking, my chest tingling from the butterflies that started to flutter around my heart.

It was different than the first time.

She was aggressive and hard, lacking the caution and the nerves she used to have. I heard the door shut behind her, having been kicked close with her foot, though she never once pulled away for even a second. I’d kissed her back immediately, her lips like a fire that engulfed my whole body with such intense heat it felt like I was burning up into ash.

She pushed me backward, looking for something - a surface, anything. We crashed roughly into my desk and she half placed me atop it, my legs parting open and wrapping slightly around her waist as she deepened her kiss. I knocked into something and it clattered audibly to the floor but I didn’t care, _couldn’t_ care when absolutely all of my senses were so entirely flooded with Jungeun. Her hands moved, trailing up my sides and sending shivers down my spine. One of them entangled itself desperately in my hair while the other slinked a single finger beneath the choker around my neck and tugged ever so gently, earning another slight whimper from me when her sharp nail scraped my skin.

Something intense came over me that I’d never felt before, an urge to touch her, an urge to take control that just consumed me. Moving my hands from their position of bracing myself against the desk, they shot forward and I placed them against her stomach - having totally forgotten about her crop top. When my fingers brushed against bare, toned skin I thought I was going to faint, but I kept it together by nothing short of a miracle. She gasped slightly at the contact and didn’t protest when I pushed her slightly, moving our position from the desk.

I spun us, shoving her hard against the nearest wall - wanting us to be _closer_ somehow, even when we were already flush against each other. My hands, still on her skin, wrapped around her sides and I dared to dig my nails slightly into her, earning a slight moan that made me go _crazy_. Her teeth snagged at my bottom lip and I realized that even after my attempt of being dominant, she was still totally in control. I wasn’t complaining.

As if reading my mind, she moved us again - this time toward the bed. Not having much of a sense of where in the room we were, the edge of my mattress startled me when it hit the back of my knees, and I half fell into a sitting position. Unfazed, she moved to straddle me and I became thoroughly convinced this was all just a dream. When my lips parted I felt her tongue slink past them, making my whole body start to quake. I reciprocated, still unable to even think at this point. For some reason I couldn’t believe how _good_ she was at this, though in hindsight I’m not sure why I was so surprised. Had I really expected any different? I guess I never let myself think about it for too long cuz I’d get all flustered, for good reason.

I was more overwhelmed than I’d ever been in my life, unable to think or process anything that was happening, so high on cloud nine that I was convinced I’d never come down. I never wanted this to end, and I was worried that it would, but more than anything I found myself worried that for some reason I wouldn’t get to kiss her like this again. Just at the thought, my nails dug into her skin further, tugging her impossibly closer. Her back arched and for a second her knee brushed between my legs and my breath hitched and I thought I was going to literally explode--

\--when my door was gently opened, and an innocent head poked inside the room, “Hellooo-- _oh_ \--” It darted quickly back into the hall, but I knew that voice. We both did: it was Yerim.

Jungeun quickly pulled away from me and got back to her feet, out of breath with her lipstick and hair all messed up. I could barely breathe and my skin was rosy, but I got to my feet as well, clearing my throat and straightening out my shirt. At least Jungeun seemed just as much of a mess as I was. That was reassuring.

“Um, hey Yerim!” I stammered out, raising my voice so she could hear it from the hall.

There was a pause, full of Jungeun and I still scrambling to get ourselves together after... whatever _that_ was that had just happened, “Uh-- hi?” She chuckled slightly, but it didn’t sound like normal Yerim. It sounded stilted and forced.

Brow furrowing, I moved to the door on wobbly, unstable legs and pushed it open further, revealing a poor Yerim standing in the hall covering her eyes with one hand. In her other hand that was now clenched into a tight fist was a small haphazard bundle of purple flowers, looking recently picked - the stems still having flecks of dirt on them. Her face was red too.

I smoothed down my hair slightly, “Hi! It’s uh, it’s good to see you!” I could hear Jungeun’s breathing still audible over my shoulder, though it was gradually evening out and calming down.

Without removing her hand from shielding her vision, she awkwardly extended the one that held the flowers, “Sorry, I-I just wanted to surprise you and bring you some flowers I found outside your dorm, I-I thought they were pretty and I really like purple, and I-I wanted to say hi, so, hi!” She stumbled over her words in a way I’d never heard before. She sounded almost... scared? Maybe not scared, but definitely startled and overwhelmed. Maybe it had something to do with how upset she’d been previously?

I took the flowers from her strangely tense hands, and once I had she quickly took a couple steps back from me. I didn’t like how she was acting, this was weird, “You can open your eyes, Yerim.” I told her gently. Jungeun approached me and hovered behind my shoulder, most of her composure having returned to her by now.

The poor girl’s hand slowly lowered from her face, though she looked nervous that she’d see something else she wasn’t supposed to, like she was bracing for some sort of impact.

Jungeun sighed lightly, “Hey Yerim.”

Yerim seemed to be in some sort of state of shock, her jaw was dropped and again, she was blushing intensely. I’d never really seen her embarrassed before, it was pretty odd.

Before she even had a chance to respond, I heard familiar heels click-clacking down the hall toward us. I leaned forward to look and wasn’t surprised to see Sooyoung, looking flawless as usual, perfectly and meticulously put together. She shot me a dazzling smile that I instantly returned.

“Jinsol!! You’ve finally arrived, oh thank god. The room is disturbingly clean without you,” I rolled my eyes at her comment. Her gaze flitted to Yerim, who I only then realized she’d never formally met, “And hello, who’s this?”

Yerim didn’t answer, instead just looking frantically between Sooyoung and I and blurting out, “Oops, I forgot-- um-- I’ve actually gotta go! I’ll talk to you later, Jinsol,” Her voice broke slightly when she said my name, and it made my heart wrench and my brow crinkle in worry, “You too Jungeun.” She added that part when she was halfway down the hall, and although part of me wanted to chase her, another part felt like she wanted to be left alone. I just wasn’t sure why.

“Jungeun?” Sooyoung asked with a raised eyebrow before stepping closer and actually spotting the aforementioned blonde standing behind me, “Oh! Nice to see you too.” It probably took every single ounce of Sooyoung’s self control to not shoot me a knowing look. I made a note to thank her for that later, “You’re just having a full on get together, aren’t you?” She asked, gently pushing me aside so she could scootch past me and enter our room.

I shrugged, “I wouldn’t quite call it that...” My heart skipped a beat when I felt a soft hand clasp mine. Startled, I whipped my head toward Jungeun, who told me through her eyes that we still had to have a bit of a talk.

Without explaining it directly besides that moment of eye contact, she started to tug me out the door, “Good to see you, Sooyoung, but Jinsol and I actually have to run to the...” She paused, struggling to come up with a place, “Library, real quick.” I raised an eyebrow at her. Were we seriously going to the library?

Sooyoung nodded, concealing what I knew was a grin by keeping her back turned to us as she puttered around with all of her unpacked bags, “Alright, no problem. You two go ahead and ‘study’ up.” The playful inflection she put on her word was the first jab she’d let herself make, and I let it slide. If only she knew what had just happened in this room, she’d erupt into full on fangirl mode.

Jungeun didn’t even seem to register the comment, instead shutting the door behind us and letting out a long breath. Her fingers shifted to intertwine more with mine.

“Are we really going to the library...?” I whispered airily, my head still absolutely swimming from... yaknow.

She seemed to be experiencing something similar, “Um... yeah. I don’t know where else we could go to talk...” Her nerves were returning to her and it was so surreal to see, after how in control and confident and unwavering she had seemed back there.

I nodded slightly, not really trusting how steady my voice was going to be. Not letting go of my hand or even loosening her grip, she added quietly, “I don’t remember where the library is...”

I giggled at how nervous she seemed and led the way. It was only a short walk from the dorm, probably around two or three minutes, and neither of us said a word the whole way. I did feel her thumb lightly brushing back and forth along my hand as we walked, though, and it made my heart swell, distracting me so much I almost got us lost on the way there.

The library was pretty quiet and empty since classes for the new semester had yet to officially start. I led her past the front desk and walked toward the more secluded shelves, away from the tables people would sit at and away from where most people tended to browse. We were shielded from view because of all the books crowding the shelves. I tried to release my grip on her hand so I could better face her, but when she felt my grasp loosening she just tightened hers.

Our eyes met and hers were darker than normal, effortlessly pulling me in and entrancing me, “So...” I mumbled, unable to make my voice any clearer.

She reached up with her free hand and pushed some of her hair out of her face - a gesture that made my knees feel weak all over again. She chuckled slightly, breaking the intensity of our matched gaze and looking down to her shoes, “Sorry, I’m nervous...”

Nervous Jungeun was one of the cutest things on the planet and I will take that opinion with me to my grave, “You don’t have to be nervous around me.” I reassured her, glad that I wasn’t the only one consumed by how scared I felt.

Her cheeks lit with a stronger blush at my words, and she shook her head back and forth, “It’s a bit late for that, I’ve been a nervous wreck over these past few days.”

I scoffed, “You? A nervous wreck? Sorry, I’ll believe it when I see it.”

She looked back at me, “What? I’m a total mess right now, can’t you tell?”

“No.” I glared playfully, “God, if this is your definition of a ‘nervous wreck,’ you don’t even _want_ to see what a mess you’ve made me before.” I hadn’t at all anticipated being so honest, it sorta just happened in the heat of the moment.

She laughed, “Oh I’ve noticed. It’s pretty hard to miss.”

I reached forward and shoved her shoulder lightly, “Shut up!! It’s not-- I’m just a nervous person!”

She laughed a while longer, our eyes locking again, hers sparkling with such blatant happiness that her next words didn’t register in my head for a solid five seconds, “Jinsol I really like you more than a friend...”

Her face was beet red but I was sure it was practically pink compared to mine. I took a step back, my jaw dropping slightly open. Had she really just said that? So plainly? Was it true..?

_Of course it’s true. Did you forget what just happened back there in your room? Did you just so happen to forget that?_ My brain tried to rationalize again but I was still in a state of shock.

“I... what?” I needed it repeated or I’d convince myself I’d hallucinated it. Dreamt it up. This seemed so much like a dream.

The sunlight that was streaming in through a nearby window made her hair shine, and it showed off how smooth her skin was, how gorgeous her profile was, how much depth her eyes had. Just when I thought that I’d gotten used to the sensation of the Jungeun-induced butterflies, they got more intense than they had even been before. My chest was practically vibrating.

She sighed slightly, her smile fading a bit, “I said... I really like you, more than a friend.” Her voice lacked the impact it had the first time. I think she was worried that I didn’t feel the same way, but that couldn’t have been further from the case. I was just a starstruck idiot who couldn’t even think because I was so head over heels for this damn girl, who I honestly thought was out of my league, that even the possibility of her liking me back had never crossed my mind as real.

A smile broke across my face as I 75% processed what she was trying to tell me, and it made her smile too, “...uh, sorry, what was that?”

She rolled her eyes, glaring at me, “I like you more than a friend, God, stop making me say it you brat!” Her hand that I still held was shaking slightly.

Something came over me that I couldn’t control, and for the first time I was the first to make a move. I took a couple steps closer, tugging gently on her hand and placing a soft, lingering kiss on her lips, unable to get rid of the slight smirk I still had just because I was so unbelievably happy. I broke away, only to see her eyes still closed and her lips still slightly puckered.

I couldn’t help but giggle, and she blinked a few times to come back to her senses before chuckling right along with me, “Stop, oh my god, don’t make fun of me.” She pleaded, partially covering her face with her free hand.

“I’m not, you’re just so cute when you’re all shy like this...” She pouted adorably, regaining enough courage to look back at me.

“Wait, so,” Her recently acquired courage quickly faded all over again though, our playfulness forgotten, “Do you...?” She didn’t seem to know how to word it.

“Of course.” I told her gently, not wanting to leave her in the dark for any longer than was necessary, “Yes, I absolutely like you more than a friend.” That felt like an understatement, but I refrained from adding that on.

The uncontrollable smile that came to her face was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. For a second, the sun made her eyes almost seem glossy with tears, but I didn’t have time to look any closer because she suddenly threw her arms around my neck, burying her nose into my hair.

She held onto me like that and it felt like she didn’t ever plan on letting go.

I knew for sure that I was never letting her go.


	9. What If's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Officially girlfriends, Jinsol and Jungeun are now facing difficulties in their lives as a couple. Will that make things easier, or harder?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

“When did you start to like me?”

Jungeun asked me out of the blue one day during a drive from campus back to her house. I’d been staring out the window and not paying much attention - we were stuck in downtown traffic so it was pretty dull. Our hands were loosely intertwined between our seats while she still had one on the wheel, and every now and then I made sure to run my thumb along the back of hers. A playlist she’d made full of Red Velvet songs just for me had been playing while I absentmindedly sang along, but she reached forward and turned it down as if to make sure I heard her question.

I looked back at her, always caught a bit off guard by how starstruck I’d get everytime I looked directly into her eyes. She had the faintest traces of a smile on her face - just enough to show one of her vague dimples that I thought were the cutest things I’d ever seen. My chest was so light and airy.

I’d never felt more at ease in my life than when I was with her like this, just us, together. It had been a few weeks since we’d finally confessed to one another in the library, and I guess we were technically girlfriends now. Neither of us had said the word or called each other that officially, but we were exclusive, and we’d been on quite a few dates. Nearly every second of our free time was spent together but it somehow never felt like enough. The more I learned about her, the more I wanted to know.

Smiling at her, probably looking like a doe-eyed schoolgirl, I felt myself blushing at the question, “What do you mean?”

A cool breeze tousled her hair from the slightly cracked open window and she halfheartedly tried to reach up and smooth it down, but when her hand started to move from mine I tightened my grip with a pout. Rolling her eyes, she instead rolled up her window, “I mean... when did things shift from, ‘oh, that’s Yerim’s barista friend’ to, ‘oh damn, Jungeun is _hot_.’”

  
I slapped her leg, glaring at how full of herself she was, and she laughed - a sound that always made my heart soar. I wasn’t sure how she’d react when I gave her the answer to her question, so I took a slightly deep breath beforehand, “Honestly?” She nodded eagerly, tilting her head in my direction and looking away from the road, or rather, from the car’s bumper we’d been staring at for three minutes, “From the start.” It was weird admitting that. It was never something I’d thought I’d tell her, but it sort of felt right. Like a full-circle type of thing.

She raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean? The start of what?” Her whole body nearly turned to face me now, clearly not having expected that answer. I think she wanted a more specific moment somewhere along the way, and hadn’t at all expected just a crush-at-first-sight scenario.

I shuffled around where I sat, this subject bringing to mind the early days of Jungeun, where I could barely even look at her without feeling like I was gonna pass out. I’d definitely gotten better at coping with her presence, but sometimes I still felt like that. If she shot me a wink, if I saw a flash of skin for one reason or another, if she flirted just a bit too hard and hinted at something that made my knees weak. She still absolutely had the power to make me almost faint, and I think she knew that.

“Since I first went to the Roost.” I stated plainly, trying to play it off like this was casual information that didn’t mean anything.

She still didn’t seem to understand, and her brow upturned for a second or two, “What--? Wait,” She blinked slightly, the news seeming to greatly jar her, “Are you saying that you liked me from that first time you came into the café, and you were having a rough morning?” I think she thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

I nodded slowly, feeling embarrassed now, because presumably she didn’t have nearly the same experience. Her grip on my hand became tighter for a few seconds at the confirmation.

She scoffed in disbelief, “Seriously? I didn’t even look cute that day, I was running late and I was wearing my uniform that had stains all over it!”

I rolled my eyes, “Please, you looked like a supermodel like always,” She blushed slightly, still not quite used to how often I would compliment her now that I felt more comfortable to do so, “Just think back on it for a second: Remember my stammering? How I couldn’t even look at you?” Her eyes got distant for a second as she tried to replay our first interaction in her head. It seemed like it was hard for her to recall, while for me it was probably one of the most defining moments of my life.

She chuckled and shook her head back and forth, “Yeah, you were a mess. I thought it was just from how bad your morning had gone.” Her head lolled on her neck as she looked back at me, a softness and warmth behind her eyes that instantly seemed to drain every worry I’d ever had straight out of my body, “You were nervous, weren’t you? I made you nervous?”

I glared at her for a second, “Well _you_ weren’t helping anything. Shooting me those _looks_ and putting hearts on my coffee. Don’t even pretend like you weren’t flirting with me.” The car in front of us finally moved, but Jungeun had been so immersed in our conversation she seemed to forget where we were. It took the car behind us honking sharply for her to jolt back to awareness and move forward in the still backed up traffic.

“Flirting?” My accusation seemed to genuinely catch her off guard, “Was I flirting?”

I groaned, “If not the first time, _definitely_ that second time when I was there with Yerim. You have absolutely no defense for that.”

“That wasn’t flirting!” She insisted. I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not. Sometimes she was so naturally sarcastic it was hard to tell when she was trying to be genuine.

I raised an eyebrow at her, thoroughly unconvinced, “Really? When you winked at me, told me my face was ‘hard to forget,’ and asked me ‘can you tease?’” I lowered my voice seductively to impersonate how she’d asked me that question so long ago. Now that I was looking back on it, I was amazed I’d survived that interaction.

She was getting flustered, the light blush to her cheeks getting more intense. She took an audible breath and glared at me, “Don’t do that to your voice.”

I chuckled, “That was what you did to me!! God, I could barely breathe...” I stared at her profile for quite a while, letting myself bask in how perfect it was, how her brow was slightly knitted from the topic, how she was trying to suppress a smile because she could feel my eyes burning holes into her.

Her eyes finally flitted back to me, looking away from the road for a moment, “What? Quit staring at me, I’m gonna get in an accident.” Her blush deepened again.

My mind shot back to what we’d been talking about before I got distracted by how stunning she was, something that happened more often than I’d like to admit, “So are you still standing by the ‘that wasn’t flirting’ defense?” She nodded without hesitation, but I wasn’t having it, “Oh really? So do you just casually wink at people?”

She rolled her eyes as the car moved slightly forward again, “I...” I thought I’d caught her, but she remained persistent, “Are you sure I winked at you? You’re not just imagining that?”

“No!” I exclaimed indignantly, “I remember every single second of that interaction and I _absolutely_ remember that wink.” Like I’d ever be able to forget it.

She shook her head back and forth, “Well I don’t remember that. I thought you were a cutie, so fine, maybe I was sort of flirting, but again,” She held up her free hand to me, “I don’t really remember.”

Even with all of the disclaimers, I was satisfied with my victory and smiled cheekily at her, “Ooooh? I was a cutie, huh?”

“Um yeah, look in the mirror lately?” We finally emerged from the stream of traffic and pulled onto Jungeun’s street, driving steadily now, as it tended to be much less busy here, “Yaknow what? I have an idea.” She pulled into her short driveway and turned off the engine, unbuckling her seatbelt and practically jumping from the car.

“What?” I questioned, following her quickly. Her parents weren’t home but would be soon. We went through her back door and I struggled to keep up as she bounded up the stairs two at a time.

She’d rushed to her room and I walked in just as she was tugging a small, red journal from beneath her mattress, holding it up triumphantly.

“Your diary?” I asked her with a raised eyebrow, not understanding whatever this plan of hers was.

She started to flip through it, “I write in this every night before I go to bed. I would’ve written about you, and probably all the days we talked.”

My interest piqued abruptly. That little booklet had all of Jungeun’s genuine thoughts and feelings in it - written down the day they happened, with no filtering since she likely assumed nobody would ever read it besides her. I felt an unbelievably intense urge to read it, to see what her real first impression of me was, to see if she even bothered to write about me or if our interactions were so forgettable to her that she didn’t think they warranted mentioning. I so badly wanted to, but I kept my mouth shut. That was her diary, it was private. Probably the last thing she wanted was for me to look at whatever was written in there, and more than anything I respected her wishes. But _god_ did I want to know.

“Ahh, I see. You’ve got a primary source on your hands.” I briefly walked toward the string of polaroids she still had, smiling broadly when I noticed there was one of me now. I remembered when she’d taken it - out first real “date” as a couple, when we’d gone to the park. She’d asked me to turn around when I walked ahead of her and started to pick a flower, and snapped a photo before I even knew she had her camera out. It wasn’t a bad picture. More than anything I was just glad it was there - glad that I was enough of a part of her life to be included right alongside her closest friends who she got to see every day.

She’d come over while I was distracted reminiscing and slid her arm around my waist, looking at all the pictures with me for a second, “Yeah, c'mon - don’t you wanna read it?”

Whoa. That threw me for a loop, and it showed on my face, “You’re okay with that? Isn’t it private?”

“What?” Her face crinkled adorably in confusion, “No, what’s the fun in that?” She pulled me along with her as she walked toward her bed, sitting the two of us down. I don’t think she understood just how eager I was to read whatever laid hidden in this journal.

It wasn’t necessarily that Jungeun was mysterious or even selective with what information she told me anymore, it was more that I was still sort of hesitant to ask certain questions just from my own lingering nervousness. Maybe whatever was in here would answer those? She flipped the journal open and skipped a few pages to the exact date that we’d bumped into each other at the Roost. I remembered it, and apparently she did too judging by how fast she’d found the page. She started to read it aloud, putting on an exaggerated voice as if she was a grade-school teacher reading a storybook to a bunch of kids.

“March 15, Wednesday. I think I’ve finally made progress with the ‘get Jiwoo a job with me’ mission. Mr. Hyong,” Her eyes flitted to me and she added under her breath “My boss,” before continuing the sentence, “Said he may be looking for another employee, since Chan quit. Thank god. Maybe she’ll stop bugging me now and making me pay for her by using the ‘no job’ excuse. Hey future Jungeun, remember to respond to Yerim’s texts on time.” The reminder was written in a red pen instead of the usual black. I wondered why that reminder was so pertinent.

My heart started to sink for a second, as that was all that was on the page. Had she not even written about me? That was definitely the day I’d walked into the Roost. She wasn’t having much of a reaction, so I tried not to blow things out of proportion. It was only after holding me in suspense like a brat that she flipped to the next page, which was actually from the same day. My chest lightened instantly. Her hand that had remained around my waist tugged me closer and I couldn’t help but smile slightly while she kept reading.

“Oooh, forgot to mention. Today at work, this girl came in.” She nudged me and my smile widened, never having been more curious about anything in my entire life, “I don’t really get why I’m even adding this in, but like,” There was a physical gap between the writing - she’d skipped a line. I tried to imagine Jungeun actually in the process of writing this down. Maybe she’d paused as if to reconsider what she was writing before she actually put it to paper, “I dunno, she was soooo pretty.” I started to giggle against my will, and when I looked at her I saw her smiling too, “I feel like she might be famous or something and I just didn’t know what she was famous from? I want to look it up but I’m not really sure how to without just googling ‘gorgeous blond’ and hoping her face comes up. If I met a celebrity I want to be able to brag about it.” By that point the both of us were laughing like idiots.

My face was red, “You thought I was famous??” I hadn’t at all expected that.

She shrugged, “I guess so! I mean I sorta get why, you have a face that _should_ be famous.” I scoffed, pushing her playfully, “I’m serious! We are reading my unedited thoughts.” She started to flip through the pages, likely searching for another day in particular. My attention was brought back to the diary immediately.

Eventually she found what she was looking for, and she started to read again, her exaggerated voice slightly toned down for this entry, “March 20th, Monday. Sooo, today was kinda weird.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me, “Yerim texted me and asked if I was working, yaknow, normal Yerim clinginess. So when she shouted for me while I was on break I wasn’t too surprised...” She paused for dramatic effect and it was unappreciated, “But _then_ she told me that she’d wanted me to meet her tutor, which I honestly thought was sort of lame,” She stifled a laugh at her past thoughts and held up a hand in defense when I slightly glared at her, “Why had she brought her tutor there with her? Who cares?” I slapped her knee but she kept going, “But guess what. Oh my god guess what?” The writing of those sentences was firmer, like she’d pressed her pen harder against the paper for emphasis.

“What??” I playfully asked past Jungeun.

She chuckled, “It was that girl!!!” She pointed at me emphatically, and I made my jaw drop in exaggerated surprise, “The one who I thought was famous who I’d bumped into!!! Apparently for some ungodly reason, she isn’t famous? Why? She’s just a college student? That made no sense to me. I mean, I wish I had a picture of her to put in here because she’s so unbelievably gorgeous.” Jungeun nodded at her past self, as if agreeing with the sentiment. I was blushing like a dope. She moved her hand and poked at one of my cheeks, only making them turn a deeper red, “Her name is Jinsol,” I looked at the paper. She’d written it big, and then written it a second time underneath it, “What a pretty name for her.”

I pouted, “Awwwhhh, oh my god, that’s so precious!” My heart was soaring. Past Jungeun was so unbelievably cute. Why was I surprised? She was making me fawn over her like crazy.

Jungeun smirked, seeming just as giddy as I was to keep reading these entries. I think she tended to forget or not look back on them very often, so this was almost like news to her too, “Oooh it’s getting good, c’mon I want to get to flustered, nervous Jungeun!” She tugged me close again as if to make sure I could read the pages along with her as she flipped through. She stopped still at around three or so pages later.

“March 22nd, Thursday.” She gasped excitedly as she read the next sentence, “I’ve been thinking about her so often,” I placed a hand on my heart as if that would slow the pace at which it started beating, “Why can’t I stop thinking about her?” Jungeun laughed, answering her past self’s question in a slightly lowered voice, “Because you were already _whipped_.” I stifled a laugh at the comment, but my focus was brought straight back to the entry as she kept reading, “What’s up with this, we talked for like three minutes. What’s going on?” It was so immensely validating to know that she went through some of the same emotions I did back in those confusing days - where I was questioning everything and just wanted answers.

Jungeun shifted slightly where she sat, and when I read the next sentence before she did I rested my head on her shoulder. This was getting really adorable, and the more she read, the more abruptly clingy I felt, “I had a dream about her. Is that normal? To have dreams about people you don’t really know?” Jungeun shrugged, “I don’t think it is.” Her tone had changed at that last sentence and became a bit more serious. I think she was remembering what it had felt like to feel so lost back then and it was stirring up some emotions she hadn’t expected to feel. She paused before continuing but it wasn’t for dramatic effect, it was as if she was pacing herself, “I don’t want to write her name anymore, that just makes it more real.”

I frowned. This had been hard for her. It had been for me too, but there was less confusion on my end if I really looked back on it, and pretty minimal denial. My feelings had been so strong right off the bat it would take some serious mental gymnastics to convince myself I wasn’t attracted to Jungeun, so deep down I’d known from the first time I saw her. It wasn’t so simple on her end. There was more confliction, more confusion, more denial, more frustration, and we’d never really talked about it because it hadn’t come up before now.

The next page she flipped to was written in a slightly shaky hand, as if she’d jotted it down really quickly. Although the tone of it definitely warranted some excited voice changing, Jungeun made no effort to do so this time, “March 23rd, Friday. I asked her number, I did it, I asked.” Each of those phrases was separated by a line of paper, “God, I was such a wreck for some reason. I kept rambling on about nothing and I was so tense. She probably noticed. She probably thinks I’m an idiot, huh?” I moved my hand and clasped hers tightly, feeling possessive and protective over both past and present Jungeun. She squeezed my fingers lightly as she kept reading, “Just some weird high school barista. Or maybe not...?”

“Yes! Maybe not!” I muttered enthusiastically, as if past Jungeun could hear my reassurance.

Jungeun took a breath and kept going, “Maybe she wants to be my friend too?”

I laughed slightly and it lightened the air which had started to become dense, “Oh, I wanted to be more than a friend.”

Jungeun giggled and turned her head, placing a very light kiss on my temple that was enough to make my head spin. I’d already read the next sentence before she did, though, and it made my chest constrict again, “No, Jungeun, don’t be an idiot.” She sighed lightly, “Future Jungeun - hey, don’t be an idiot.” She paused for a while before saying the last sentence of this entry, “She’s just some girl.”

I turned my head to look at her and saw how glossy her eyes got. In an instant I had pulled back from our cuddling and turned to more directly face her, reaching up and placing a hand on her cheek. She blinked a few extra times, smiling bitterly, but wouldn’t match my gaze.

“Hey, hey, this is all in the past. You don’t have to get upset!” I tried to tell her, although I didn’t fully understand her distress.

She sniffled slightly, “I know, it’s just...” She shrugged, almost seeming frustrated at herself for her own reaction, “There were _so_ many chances along the way where I might not have talked to you, where I might have convinced myself to forget about this, where we didn’t meet and where we didn’t wind up together, and I hate reading this because it stresses me out.” Her voice was weaker than it should have been.

I leaned closer, “Shh, hey, I’m right here! Yeah, all that stuff _could_ have happened, but it didn’t. Everything worked out, and I don’t think it was any sort of coincidence, I think it was meant to happen this way.”

Jungeun smiled sheepishly, blinking away what was left of her oncoming tears, “Oh, so you think we were ‘meant to be?’” She said that in a jokey way, but I didn’t view it like that.

“Yep.” My response was immediate and it caught her attention. Her eyes finally met mine and they were sparkling. Enchanting, like always. It made me smile, and she did too, and she just looked _so_ happy.

Wordlessly she tugged me closer, breaking the small space remaining between us and planting a slow, meaningful kiss on my lips. She was still smiling. No matter how many times she kissed me like this, I never got used to it. I always felt like I was floating, like she was the only thing holding me to the earth, like she was the only thing that mattered and ever would matter.

She pulled ever so slightly back for just a second to whisper something sweetly, “I think so too.” My heart felt like it was melting.

“We should keep reading,” I tried to say, my words barely leaving me before they were cut off by another, more needy kiss.

She pulled away for to draw in a quick breath and to tell me in a low voice, “I’ll send pictures later, _please_ just kiss me.” God she sounded so desperate. Like she’d never wanted anything more.

I had absolutely nothing against that, and there was no way in hell I was going to say no.

The rest of that time just flew by, since I felt like I was in some other world whenever we were together like that. Her kisses were literally mind-numbing, and it was like I didn’t think a single thought for what wound up being roughly an hour and a half. We couldn’t seem to separate from each other and I was so indescribably happy that sometimes I would smile during the kiss at nothing in particular. She would feel it and smirk slightly too, or lightly tickle my side to get a flustered giggle out of me. It didn’t get too heated, we both just seemed content with our gentle kisses, wandering caresses and close proximity. It was playful and light, sweet and sincere. I felt... _so_ much for her it was absolutely consuming. A comforting warmth had enveloped my whole body and made my heart flutter.

We finally broke apart when we heard the front door slam.

It startled her and she physically jolted back from me, the slight smile she’d had on her face gone in an instant. Her expression knocked me out of the normal daze I usually entered after we kissed like that - she looked scared.

“Damn it,” She scrambled to her feet and rushed to her window, looking out onto the street, “Shit.”

I sat up, having previously been laying down, hanging my legs over the bed, “What?”

She started to nervously pace, straightening out her clothes and smoothing down her hair, “My mom’s home, she gets out early on Thursdays.”

We’d known that we had a limited time frame to hangout, so this wasn’t news for either of us. I just didn’t understand her panic. Getting to my feet, I made my voice as calm as I could in an attempt to soothe her mounting nerves, “Okay, so? Should I leave?”

She opened her mouth to respond and started to, but cut her words short, brow furrowing for a second. She took a deep breath, “I think...? _God_ , I don’t want you to.” She approached me again and wrapped her arms around me slowly, her head resting on my shoulder. She rocked us slightly back and forth after I returned the embrace automatically, “I don’t want you to...” She whispered gently in my ear.

Without giving it much thought, I gently kissed the side of her neck for a second and her grip on me tightened, a chill being sent through her body that I felt because of how close we were, “I’ll see you soon. You don’t have to worry.”

“Why should I have to hide you?” She asked, though I couldn’t tell whether the question was rhetorical or not, “I don’t want to hide you, I’m not ashamed of you...” My heart was pounding.

I ran my hand up and down her back, trying to soothe her, reassure her, “I know you aren’t. I’m not ashamed of you either, but telling them might do more harm than good.”

Based on what I knew about her parents and how harshly they reacted to even the slightest step outside their rules, I didn’t even want to think about their reaction to their daughter being gay. A small, optimistic part of me wanted to believe that they’d surprise her, be accepting, or at the very least not care much. But another, much larger part of me was convinced that they wouldn’t respond that way in the slightest. They’d be disappointed, angry and bitter. They’d punish her for it, restrict her, be as cruel as they could. We’d barely survived the last time she was grounded. I’d gotten used to seeing her pretty often and I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up, or even put it at risk.

It was her choice, though, and I knew that. When and who to come out to was always up to the individual and shouldn’t be influenced by anyone else. If she felt ready to do that, she could, but honestly it just didn’t seem like the right time. I hadn’t told my parents, just because it was a weird time and I was away from home. I wasn’t necessarily scared to, it was just an issue of time and place. That was essentially the same situation with Jungeun. Even if she was ready, the circumstances weren’t ideal.

She sighed shakily, “I... you’re right. Ugh, why are you always right?” She released her grip on me. We could vaguely hear the rustling around of someone in the kitchen downstairs. I’d yet to even lay eyes on Jungeun’s mother and was honestly sort of scared to. From what she’d told me, Jungeun’s father was the more bluntly rude and strict one, while her mother was passive aggressive and her insults and critiques were always painfully personal and attacking. I’d take a straight up insult over a veiled, stabbing critique any day.

I shrugged, smiling warmly at her, “It’s a blessing and a curse.”

Our conversation was interrupted by a shrill voice calling from downstairs, _“Jungeun? Is someone here?”_ She must have heard us talking. Hopefully she hadn’t heard what about.

She took a deep breath, shutting her eyes for a second and straightening her posture, “Yes! My friend, but she was just leaving!” She looked at me again, gesturing slightly for me to follow as she headed back to the stairs. I did as she said, finding myself increasingly fearful the closer I got to her mother.

“I need your help cooking dinner tonight!” The voice called as we were heading down the steps, sounding closer now. My fists clenched into tight fists that I held in the pockets of my jacket to not show my nerves openly.

“Yes, of course.” Jungeun responded obediently with that same forced tone she only ever used when talking to her parents.

We rounded the corner, and right as I headed for the door, her mother’s voice stopped me in my tracks, “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?” I turned stiff as a statue, “She’s too tall to be Chaewon.”

Doing my best not to physically tremble, I turned on my heel to look at the woman. Her features resembled Jungeun’s pretty strongly - they had the same nose for sure. Though she looked extremely bitter. If I had to guess I would’ve assumed she hadn’t smiled for approximately fifteen years. Her arms were crossed, and once she saw my face and timid smile, she looked me up and down slowly. It was subtle - the most minor little wrinkling of her nose - but she sneered. Wow, okay.

Jungeun moved to stand at my side, “Um, yes, this is my friend Jinsol. She’s at university.”

Her mother raised an eyebrow at her daughter, “University? How did you two meet, then?” I could already tell from her tone that this was going to devolve into a full-on interrogation. I wasn’t sure if it was my place to respond, or if I should leave it all to Jungeun. I didn’t know her mother well enough to gauge what would and wouldn’t set her off, so I kept my mouth shut.

Jungeun took a brief half-step in front of me, almost as if she was shielding me from her mother’s scorn, “She was a regular at work. I saw her enough that we exchanged numbers and started talking. She’s also Yerim’s history tutor.” I knew why she had to, but it felt so wrong when she just referred to me as her friend. We were so much more than that. Although we hadn’t explicitly said it, we were girlfriends in every sense of the word. My chest did a weird tightening thing.

Her mother’s eyes narrowed, almost as if she didn’t buy the story, “Yerim’s tutor, huh? Good luck with _that_ job.” The way she said that - the sting behind her words, it made me so mad. Was she calling Yerim stupid? A protectiveness I hadn’t at all anticipated washed over me and I almost started to scream at this woman I didn’t even know. Nobody called Yerim stupid while I was around.

I knew Jungeun was even closer to Yerim than I was, and for a second I could sense this deep seeded rage emanate off of her, but she kept it back. She must’ve gotten good at reigning things in over the years, but I was still impressed.

I swallowed hard and made sure my voice was steady and courteous when I spoke, “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Kim.” Her only response was a curt nod.

Jungeun hastily walked me to the door, her mother’s back now turned as she fiddled with groceries she had brought home. After quickly looking over her shoulder to make sure she wasn’t looking, Jungeun reached up, pulled me closer by the back of my neck and placed a quick kiss on my lips before practically pushing me outside, her apology written all over her face.

I got a ride back to the dorm from Sooyoung, who’d recently gotten her own car. She’d made sure to emphasize to me that she was always available for transport if it would “let me be more gay with my girlfriend.” She really was the best wingwoman.

An hour or so later, I got a string of texts from Jungeun - all pictures she’d taken of her journal. I’d thought she was joking when she said she’d send me pictures, so actually seeing them made my heart skip a beat. Sooyoung was sitting on the other side of the room doing homework and not paying me much attention, having realized a while before that hounding me for info on how every one of my interactions with Jungeun went was getting “vanilla,” as she told me. She did make sure to emphasize that if we “took the next step,” I was to inform her _immediately_ , no matter where I was. I didn’t really let my mind linger on... that, because it usually turned me into a blushing mess in a matter of seconds.

Deciding against informing Sooyoung about the pictures I’d received, I pulled them up and started to read the entries.

_March 27th, Tuesday_

_Jinsol, jinsol, jinsol, jinsol, jinsol, jinsol, jinsol, jinsol_

She wrote my name over and over again, the writing sloppy and in varying sizes.

_I can’t help it, I have to write her name down_

_God what is wrong with me, why can’t I just stop thinking about her for even a second? It’s literally constant: during school, at work, at home. Half the time at work I’m barely even focused because I’m too busy staring at the door, hoping she’ll come in and I can make her caramel cappuccino._

My heart had already swelled up to what felt like three times its size. More than anything I wished she was with me so I could hold her tightly in my arms while she read these to me in her exaggerated voice. Nothing was wrong with her. I’d been going through the same exact thing.

_Yerim’s birthday is coming. Maybe she’ll be invited to the party? They’re friends now right?_

There was a long gap on the paper before three, hastily written questions.

_Who cares_

_Why do you care_

_What’s wrong with you_

My brow furrowed. I subconsciously started to hug myself, hating the thought of Jungeun struggling with this all on her own. I suppose I’d been in the same position, but I never wanted her to feel anything negative, ever. Especially because of me.

The next entry was startlingly short.

_April 3rd, Monday_

_She’s going to the party. I’m going to the party. I’m going to see her again._

The actual words only took up the first two lines or so of the page, while the rest was filled with crazy, jostled scribbles. I smiled slightly, trying to imagine Jungeun too excited to even write down actual words. I swiped to the next picture.

_April 7th, Friday_

_Oh my god. Jinsol. I’m... I don’t even know anymore_

_I got to talk to her for longer. I ditched work for it and almost got in serious trouble but I don’t care, it was so worth it._

I was grinning like an idiot. If Sooyoung looked over she definitely would’ve asked what I was so smiley about.

_She’s so interesting. I’d definitely thought she would be, but there’s so much to her that I learned and so much that I still don’t know. I want to know it all. I want to know the smallest thing about her. I could literally talk to her for hours and not get bored. Her voice sounds like heaven_

There had been more to the sentence, but she seemed to have scribbled it out right after she’d written it.

_Whoa Jungeun what’s going on here, this is a lot_

It ended abruptly. I guess she really was “already whipped.” So was I though.

_April 10th, Monday_

_Ok so um_

_like_

_Look, I don’t know what’s going on with me or what i’m doing, honestly._

_I crashed yerim’s study session today._

_I dunno, I just felt..._

There was a large gap in the paper, filled with a few random dots of ink. Like she’d tapped her pen against the book while she tried to figure out how to word things.

_I needed to see her. She seemed so surprised._

_Something came over me when her foot touched mine beneath the table and I couldn’t help it, and I played footsie with her. Which was_ **_wild_** _I don’t even know what I was doing. Her skin is so ridiculously soft it doesn’t even feel like skin I swear to_ ** _god_** _._

I felt my cheeks flushing with color at the memory of that day. Honestly I couldn’t believe that had happened either, even still.

_I wonder if she has any idea how much of a mess she makes me_

_I wonder if she understands it, cuz I sure as hell don’t_

At the time, I hadn’t understood it either. We were both more or less in the dark, although I definitely had more of an idea than she seemed to. I was just way too terrified to act on my feelings in any way, which in hindsight was a mistake because she probably would’ve accepted any of my advances. I shrugged, mentally scolding myself for thinking of all the “what ifs” and just letting myself bask in the fact that I was with her now, that we were together, and that we were both so happy.

_April 14th, Friday_

_I’m writing this really late and my hand is weak and I can barely hold this pen but I need to write this down because tonight was one of the best nights I’ve ever had in my entire life and it was all because of jinsol_

My eyes flitted back up to the date again. It was the night at Haseul’s. My chest fluttered with butterflies and I smiled so wide it hurt my cheeks. God I was just so glad that night had meant just as much to her as it had for me. I was so glad she felt like she needed to write about it even though it was late. She probably went straight to her room when she got home, past midnight, and wrote it while she was still on a bit of a buzz from the emotional rollercoaster we’d experienced.

_I wanted to say this to her but didn’t because I got scared so i’m just gonna write it bc I’m pretty sure it’ll never see the light of day otherwise_

I gripped my phone with white knuckles and leaned slightly forward on my bed, becoming so invested and interested in what I was reading that absolutely nothing else mattered.

_You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And it’s so natural, it’s just there, you don’t have to work for it. It’s not just on the outside either, though, it’s on the inside too, and it’s like it emanates out of you in these waves that hit me and make me feel like my legs are gonna give out whenever you look at me too long or our hands brush for a second and_

_Uh-oh_

_Jungeun_

_What’re you getting yourself into_

God, the way she wrote that was just... ugh. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding in, resting my hand on my heart. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hear her voice. But there were still a few more pictures that she sent me. After fanning myself slightly in efforts to calm down, I swiped to the next one.

There wasn’t any date on this one, which was odd. She had seemed pretty meticulous about writing those, even when it was really late and she was a mess. The reason for it not being dated made sense once I read it, though.

_I like her_

_I like Jinsol_

_I like her_

_And she’s a girl_

_But I do_

_And that’s just how it is_

“I like you too,” I mouthed to myself, wondering how crazy I would’ve looked if Sooyoung saw. More than anything I wished I could go back in time and tell Jungeun sooner, act on things faster, so that she didn’t have to wallow in this uncertainty and turmoil. I know I kept saying that things had turned out alright so there was no use wanting to change the past, but knowing that she went through so much and was so mad at herself for what she was feeling just put a pit in my stomach.

The last picture made me giggle slightly and I couldn’t keep it in. The way she’d written the first part was so disjointed and sloppy, it was so endearing.

_April 21st, Friday_

_I’m_

_I am_

_What_

_I_

_Kissed_

_Her_

_Ohhhhhhh my god what have i done_

_I have to call her tomorrow_

_It’s like 2 am right now_

_She hates me_

_She must hate me_

_That came out of nowhere, what was i thinking?_

_I don’t hate you. I could never hate you._ I thought to myself. If only she’d known just how giddy I’d been from that, how absolutely ecstatic. It was the furthest emotion I could’ve felt from hate.

_I couldn’t keep it back anymore_

_It felt like I didn’t even have a choice, something else just totally took over_

_I hope I didn’t scare her off_

_God, if she leaves my life after this because of my stupidity I’ll never forgive myself_

She did just the opposite. She drew me in effortlessly. If she thought that she’d been whipped for me, she had no _idea_ how whipped I had been for her. I should tell her. I should call her.

With nothing more than a quick glance in Sooyoung’s direction, I pulled up her contact and started to call, bringing my phone to my ear. It rang and rang, but nobody answered. It wasn’t that late at night, only around 10. My brow furrowed. She always answered. Waiting for a minute or so, I called again. Nothing.

Not thinking much of it, I started to do homework at my desk, making sure to keep my phone nearby in case she called back. I couldn’t focus on what I was writing but at least I was half-assed doing work and pretending to be productive. I just couldn’t stop thinking about those entries, about the unbelievably sweet and sincere things she’d written about me, about how incredibly validated I felt about all the feelings I used to think were unrequited, nonsensical or misguided. She’d felt the same. But that also meant she went through the same turmoil and confusion that I’d gone through, only it had been even worse on her end. God I wanted to talk to her. More than that, I wanted to see her again so I could tell her all this in person. I felt like if I tried to text it out it’d get all jumbled and messy. I really wasn’t good with words if I didn’t say them face to face.

When my phone chimed with her text tone I snatched it up so frantically I almost knocked one of my books to the floor.

_Jungeun-ah (｡♥‿♥｡): can i come over_

My heart skipped a beat, typing a quick response.

_Always <3_

She read it but didn’t say anything in response. My eyes flitted to the clock. It was nearly midnight. Sooyoung had gotten into her pajamas and was laying in bed, playing some game on her phone. If I wanted to be responsible, I would’ve told Jungeun it was late and that we should both go to sleep, but I was too dreadfully curious. She’d never asked to come over this late before and I’d never asked either. Her parents had a strict curfew of 10 PM set for her, and would sometimes already give her grief if she wound up being out later than 9.

“Hey,” I spoke up for the first time in hours, breaking the lull of silence that had cloaked the room. Sooyoung raised an eyebrow at me and I spun my desk chair to better face her, “Jungeun’s gonna come over.” I tried to make it sound casual, but it was definitely forced.

She got into a sitting position, “What do you mean? It’s like midnight.” She rubbed at one of her eyes, “Are you kidding?”

“Nope, I think she’s really coming.” I checked my phone again, as if I may have missed a text or misread something. I hadn’t.

She seemed more confused than annoyed, which I had slightly feared since it was late and she wanted to go to bed, “Why? Doesn’t she have school tomorrow too?”

“Yeah...” It was a Thursday. The more Sooyoung asked, the more I realized how out of character this was. It worried me. Had something happened? Was something going on? Jungeun wasn’t one to rebel. It wasn’t like she was obedient just because she didn’t have the will to, either - she’d told me plenty of instances where she tried to step out of line even in the slightest just to test the waters, and how it had backfired massively. It wasn’t worth it. So why would she do this?

I waited anxiously, spinning in my chair until I’d gotten nearly dizzy. Sooyoung, although seeming tired, didn’t lay back down and waited up with me. Part of it was selfless and she didn’t want to leave me to fret by myself, but part of it was fueled by her curiosity and desire to know what Jungeun’s motivations were. I couldn’t blame her for the latter part. I’d do the same if I was in her position.

I picked nervously at my cuticles, pulling my legs up against myself in my chair.

“How long does it take to get here?” Sooyoung asked tentatively, setting her phone down near her pillow.

I sighed, “Like fifteen minutes...” It had been almost twenty. My heart was in my throat. What was taking so long?

I checked my phone again, typing a second text.

_Are you almost here?_

She read it again, but said nothing. What was going on?

A slow, uneven knock sounded at the door that made Sooyoung and I both jump slightly, though it hadn’t been hard or even remotely firm. I shot out of my seat and rushed to the door, my worries and my nerves only having gotten worse from the lack of any solid answers.

When I opened it and saw Jungeun there, my heart just shattered.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, her makeup smudged and running. Her expression was contorted to one that I’d never seen on her before, and it showed such pain and sadness and distress that I couldn’t help but gasp aloud. Her eyes were raw and red. Her whole body was shaking, and whatever breaths she could manage to take in sounded sharp and painful.

While I stood there, struck totally speechless by the state she was in, she managed out a short, desperate statement in a voice so incredibly strained and weak I barely recognized it.

“I did something really dumb...” Her last word was broken and distorted by a sob that hit her - the force seeming physical as she jolted slightly from it.

I snapped myself out of my stupor and pulled her against me by her hand, wrapping my arms around her as hard as I could. The contact just seemed to totally break her, and she started sobbing, _bawling_ against me, her tears hysteric, loud and raw.

Sooyoung got to her feet and moved to close the door gently behind us, her brow crinkled in worry. Her eyes met mine and I saw her convey the message of “what should I do?” but I had no idea what to tell her. _I_ didn’t even know what to do. I just shook my head ever so slightly at her to convey my own dismay. She pursed her lips, sort of just staring at the scene before her awkwardly. That was weird. I’d never really seen Sooyoung be awkward. Maybe she just wasn’t sure how to deal with emotional things like this? Come to think of it, she’d never opened up to me before, about anything really emotional. Not even small things.

Putting that out of my mind, I focused entirely on Jungeun. Her crying was so intense that it made me tremble right along with her. The sound of it just hurt my chest. I hated it, I never wanted to hear it again. Without even knowing what was happening or what was wrong, I felt so abruptly awful at how much pain she must have been in to make her sob like this. My grip tightened even more. It might have hurt her, but she didn’t seem to care - clinging to me with white knuckles as she buried her face into my shoulder.

I started to stroke her hair slowly, shutting my own eyes as they’d started to sting from how dreadful it was to see her like this, so distraught, “Shh, shh...” I muttered softly, gently kissing the side of her head, “It’s okay... everything’s okay...” I wasn’t sure if that was true or not, I wasn’t even sure what had happened. I just didn’t feel like it was warranted to ask yet, not when she was in such a bad state.

Sooyoung weirdly reached forward with one of her hands, as if to touch Jungeun’s back or something, but seemed to decide against it and brought her arm back to her side.

I felt Jungeun’s head vaguely shake back and forth, “I... I-I can’t, I’m... no.” Her whole body felt weak and fragile. Like she’d simply break apart in the next second if I said the wrong thing.

Genuinely not trusting her ability to stand, I moved the two of us to my bed and sat down with her still in my arms. Sooyoung awkwardly followed relatively close behind, her brow still furrowed and her arms crossed.

For what must have been the next ten minutes, she just cried. She cried hard, and she held onto me like her life depended on it, and she didn’t say another word and neither did I. It wouldn’t help. We’d go at her pace, and she didn’t seem ready yet. All I knew was that whatever happened had been bad. Bad enough to break her down into an absolute mess, something I never would’ve thought I’d see in person - something I’d hoped I’d never have to see. I just kept running my fingers lightly through her hair, rubbing circles along her back, rocking her slightly back and forth, all the while simultaneously trying to hold myself together.

Sooyoung oddly paced around the room in strange sort of semi-circles, occasionally glancing over at the two of us as time dragged on. She wanted to help but genuinely wasn’t sure how. It was like the concept of comforting someone when they were like this was totally foreign to her. Sure, I wasn’t too crazy familiar with it either, but I at least had some natural instinct, and the extent of my concern for Jungeun more or less took over. I didn’t even have to think, I just acted.

Eventually, her breathing started to even out. It was subtle. Barely even a noticeable change, but her shoulders became a bit more steady and her grip on me loosened. She leaned into the gesture when I next stroked her hair, and pulled slightly away so that my hand shifted to instead cup her cheek. It was wet with tears that I tried to brush away, but more simply replaced whichever ones I removed.

“Shh...” I told her again, hoping that my eyes weren’t as glossy as they felt now that she was staring right at me, “It’s okay. You’re here. With me. It’s just us.” I told her softly, making my voice slow so she could understand every single word. Her lip quivered and she started to shake her head, disagreeing with me, but I remained firm, “Nothing bad can happen while you’re in here. I won’t let it. Okay?” That was true. More than anything in the world I just wanted to keep her safe. Make sure she was happy. Make sure she never had to cry like this ever again. I brushed some of her hair off her face, kissing her forehead lightly.

Sooyoung blurted something out totally out of nowhere - her voice soft but forced, like she was speaking a language she’d only just started to learn, “Jungeun, um, what happened to, uh--” Jungeun looked slightly over her shoulder, confused, “--what did you do...?” My eyes flitted to her. She seemed uncertain but that didn’t stop her. I guess her curiosity got too strong and she couldn’t hold back the questions anymore.

Jungeun sniffled, her hands pulling back from me for a moment to try and wipe her own tears away. Her cheeks lit with a slight blush, as if embarrassed at her own vulnerability. She didn’t need to be ashamed. She didn’t have to hide stuff from me. Especially not when she needed to cry, or talk about things that were bothering her. My hand that was still on her cheek trailed down and traced along her jaw.

“I-I, I... I just... couldn’t...” Another sob hit her just on the last word, and she tried to cover her mouth with her hand to muffle it, “I’m sorry, I--” Another one cut off whatever she’d tried to say.

“Don’t,” I told her gently, “Take your time.” I kissed her cheek and softly grasped her wrist, tugging her hand away from her face in an effort to get her to look at me. It was hard for her to meet my eyes, and her blush had gotten more intense, but she managed to match my gaze.

Sooyoung jumped to retract her question, only then seeming to realize that it may have seemed a bit blunt or poorly worded, “Um, I didn’t, uh, yeah... take your time. No pressure, _I’m_ sorry.” She walked toward her side of the room and sat on her bed, still looking over at the two of us with a furrowed brow. Her hands clasped together tightly in her lap.

A minute passed. Then two. I just held onto Jungeun with my forehead against hers, trying to breathe as deliberately and steadily as I could, as if that would help her to mimic it. It felt like hours had passed before she seemed to build up the strength to speak single word.

Her voice was small and timid, but it was there, and Sooyoung and I clung to it - dead silent so we could hear, “My dad came home, and... they started to yell at me. Lecture me about nothing, like always...” She rolled her eyes, a spite and bitterness there that she usually had whenever her parents were brought up. She talked about them like they were evil, and honestly I wouldn’t disagree if she said they were. She sniffled, blinking hard, staring deeply at me, “I... fought back. I never have, I-I... I don’t know something just... came over me.” A pride surged in my chest that I hadn’t expected. I was proud of how brave she was.

I nodded, not wanting to say a word for fear of interrupting and stopping her train of thought. She shut her eyes for a few moments, pursing her lips. My hands moved forward and wrapped loosely around her neck, the contact seeming to be enough to get more from her, “They yelled at me about school, about work, about... how I spent too much time with my friends...” She scoffed, glaring slightly as she recalled everything, “They said... they said friends don’t last, but my grades do... that I needed to limit my time with people, and just focus on studying.” Her eyes opened back up and our gazes met again, the contact incredibly intense, her composure visibly thinning the longer the stare was held, “They... said that, I spent too much time with you. That I needed to stop, that... it was a waste. _You_ were a waste.” More tears crept from her eyes and fell from her jaw. My chest was tight.

I clenched my jaw for a second, feeling that same stinging in my eyes and the lump in my throat getting more intense. She noticed, it was hard not to. She saw my distress, and an urgency arose in her that I’d never seen. She reached forward, her hands grasping my sides and pulling me closer so that my back arched.

“You’re not.” She whispered desperately, the blush to her cheeks intensifying, “You’re not,” She repeated emphatically, shaking her head back and forth, the tears clinging to her eyelashes making her eyes sparkle, “You’re not a waste, you’re the furthest from that, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me a-and I wouldn’t trade you for the world, I-I wouldn’t, never, I-I--” Her rambling was unnecessary, because I knew all that. I knew.

Leaning forward, I stopped her frantic words with a soft kiss. She trembled at it, her whole body seeming to vibrate. When I broke away, I made sure to whisper gently to her, “I know. You don’t have to tell me, I know.” My voice broke slightly but I couldn’t help it. This was all so overwhelming, I could barely process any of it. Seeing her like this was so... it hurt. It just hurt, and I couldn’t keep it in.

She heard it and shook her head again, “Don’t, please don’t,” She took a deep, trembling breath, finishing the rest of her confession in a rush, afraid she’d be unable to if she didn’t get it all out in the open, “I freaked out at them. I couldn’t hear them talk about you like that - they don’t even know you!” She glared, as if they could feel her anger and her disappointment all the way from here, “I... told them not to say things like that... not to be so awful.” She stared deeply at me, her tears and her instability seeming totally forgotten as soon as I started to lose it, “They... asked me... why I cared so much - why I cared a-at all.”

Sooyoung had stood up and was now sitting at my desk chair, leaning forward as she tried to not so subtly eavesdrop, but I didn’t care. I barely even noticed her, too lost in Jungeun’s eyes and tone and what she was telling me.

“And...” She sniffled, blinking hard, pausing like she knew just how significant what she was about to say would be, “...I told them.”

My jaw dropped slightly, but I was just glad I hadn’t gasped again. Sooyoung’s eyebrows pricked up.

“You told them?” I asked, a wall of disbelief not letting me process that.

She nodded, tears resurfacing, “I told them.”

Wow. I still could barely believe it. Jungeun had told her parents. Her awful, brutal parents, who ripped her to shreds for the smallest of things. She’d defended me, she’d worked up the nerve, she’d talked back to the people who could and did make her life a living hell. I didn’t know what to say. I was at such a total loss for words. I just stared at her, trying to convey all the things I was feeling with just my eyes and wondering if it was working in the slightest.

Sooyoung spoke again, this time being a bit more tactful - having learned quickly from last time, “How did they take it...?”

I saw her coming apart again. You could see it behind her eyes, the way something just... snapped. It hurt so much to witness, and what she said next only made things worse.

Before another onslaught of sobs hit her, she forced out half a sentence, “They said I was... _disgusting--_ ” She barely even finished the last word. I had to infer it from the first syllable. My heart wrenched so tangibly it felt like my ribs were cracking.

Sooyoung made a quiet _tsk_ ing sound, her brow crinkling with intense empathy. I wondered why. Had she gone through something like this before? She moved closer and sat on the bed with us, still leaving a fair distance to be polite. Jungeun didn’t even notice, instead just leaning toward me and burying her face into my shoulder. Her grip on me tightened, her sobs not as intense before, but still hitting her one after the other, relentlessly. I held her loosely, swallowing down my own tears because I knew now wasn’t the time. _I_ was supposed to be helping _Jungeun_ , not the other way around.

“You’re not.” I whispered to her gently. She must’ve already known that, but I just wanted to emphasize it. I needed to.

Sooyoung nodded, repeating the sentiment shortly after it left me, “You’re not.” She actually dared to reach forward and place a gentle hand on Jungeun’s back, ever so slightly tracing it up and down. I felt Jungeun tense at first from the unfamiliar contact, but she relaxed after a few moments and even seemed to regain some of her composure.

“I...” Her head nestled in the crook of my neck, “I-I don’t know what’s gonna happen...” Her voice was nothing more than a strained whisper. I could barely hear it.

_I don’t know either_. I thought to myself, not daring to say that aloud. It would scare her just like it was scaring me, and that was the last thing she needed. But God was I scared.

What did this mean? How many things did this change? Everything? Only some things? Jungeun had presumably stormed out of the house after the confrontation with her parents, which probably only made things even worse. I didn’t even want to imagine the turmoil she’d have to return to when she went back. I didn’t _want_ her to go back, I didn’t _want_ her to be stuck in such a toxic and unaccepting environment, but where else could she go? Where else could she stay, if I was actually being realistic? I didn’t know, but the absolute last thing I wanted was to send her back to that hellhole of a house in the morning. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t sit well.

I kissed the top of her head again, blinking rapidly, hating to even think of how hard the upcoming days were going to be. How hard they’d push us, how much it would strain things. We’d get through it - we had to - I just wished so intensely that things could be easier. It didn’t feel fair.

“We’ll figure it out...” I told her gently, “I’m not going anywhere,” I made sure to emphasize. The only thing I could be sure of was that we wouldn’t change. This wouldn’t change, not even for a second. Even if things got hard, which I knew they would, that didn’t matter. She was all that mattered - _this_ was all that mattered, “I’ll be here. I’ll always be here for you.”

She stayed the night and she never left my arms, not once. Not for a second. We laid down and she snuggled into my side, tracing her fingers along my arm, her breaths evening out after hours of not saying a word. Sooyoung retreated, heading back to her own bed, but not after making sure to emphasize that our room was her room whenever she needed to come. She “never had to ask.” It was sweet, and although Jungeun didn’t have enough in her to say thank you, she did it with her eyes.

At some point, at what must have been nearly 3 AM, I still couldn’t sleep. My mind was buzzing with so many different thoughts and fears and worries that I couldn’t put to rest. From what I could tell, she’d passed out at some point - her breath even and her eyes closed, head resting on my chest. I twirled my fingers absentmindedly through her hair, staring up at my ceiling while all bustling thoughts totally consumed me. It made my chest tight, made my hands start to tremble.

I just didn’t want to lose her. I didn’t want to have to hide and sneak around, I hated that.

My mind flashed back to what she’d said earlier: “I don’t want to hide you,” “I’m not ashamed of you.” The sentiment was more than mutual. If anything, I wanted to show her off. I was proud of her. So proud. Although at that moment she probably felt weaker than she’d ever felt in her life, I thought she was so unbelievably strong.

I pursed my lips in efforts to keep the tears back that threatened to burst out of me. They’d surfaced so fast and so sudden, I almost couldn’t keep them in.

With a deep, shaky breath, I whispered to her without even thinking, “You’re so brave.”

She didn’t stir, undoubtedly needing her sleep. I sighed lightly, shutting my eyes and just doing my best to focus on _this_ moment - before things got hard, before times like this got fewer and farther between. My grip on her tightened.

This was gonna put us to the test. I knew that.

And God was I scared.


	10. Touch (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (RATED MATURE)
> 
> Jinsol and Jungeun's separation results in tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

I stirred my caramel cappuccino, staring into the liquid as it went around and around. I’d drank the heart off of its surface and now it just sat there, looking bleak and dark for some reason. It was nearly 4, almost her break. I looked up at the counter as she puttered around, the Roost only ever seeming to get busier and busier. There were slight bags beneath her eyes and her movements, although precise and habitual, were a bit slower than normal. I could just see how tired she was. How drained. It’d been getting worse lately, and although I couldn’t blame her, seeing her like that made my chest tight.

It’d been two weeks, and they’d been the hardest of my life.

She had to go home - again, she had no other options. Once there, her parents blew up even more - furious at her having left after curfew and having a sleepover without permission. Jungeun told me that half the fight was them trying to figure out where exactly she had slept over, since they’d personally called all of her known friends’ parents and they all confirmed that she wasn’t there. Jungeun remained adamant on not letting them know. She told me it was the “only thing she could do to resist them.”

It didn’t do much good. They imposed restrictions. _So_ many restrictions. It was way worse than the last time she’d been grounded.

They forced her to block my number. Now my texts and calls wouldn’t go through. It was awful. Sometimes I’d try to send them anyway, just for totally cathartic reasons, even though she’d never be able to read them. She could only ever text me while she was at school, where she’d use Heejin or Yerim’s phone - whoever was in class with her at the time. It wasn’t unusual for me to get four different texts a day from four different numbers with paragraphs of desperation, repeated sentences of “I miss you,” “I want to see you,” “I can’t even sleep anymore,” “This is so hard.”

I tried to reassure her, to help in any possible way, but what could I do? I couldn’t see her in person, couldn’t stop her parents or convince them not to despise me, couldn’t get her out of that house, couldn’t improve things for her. I felt so totally useless. Helpless. And I hated it, it made me feel like a shell. I had this constant, festering urge to _do_ something, to storm into her house, _scream_ at her parents, drag her out and run away with her. That wasn’t realistic. It just wasn’t, and I knew that, but it made me feel so worthless. If I couldn’t help my girlfriend, if I couldn’t protect her and make her life better, what was I even good for?

They’d taken her car away too. Her dad locked the keys in his safe. Now it just sat in the driveway, collecting dust and pollen from the trees. Her parents would drop her off and pick her up from work. She had to walk to school. They wouldn’t even let her get rides from her friends, since they didn’t trust her to be around girls anymore. She could only go from her house, to work, to school, and nowhere in between. There was no margin for error. They monitored her constantly - started tracking her phone again. She didn’t know what else they could possibly do, but she was scared. They may just take her phone away altogether, even make her quit her job so they could monitor her more closely. She said that nothing was past them. She didn’t think they had any limits to what they would do, and she didn’t want to take any more risks.

The clock finally struck 4, and I saw her ears prick up when her phone started to buzz with her alarm. Snapping out of the strange, almost robot-like work mode she had been in, her eyes flitted back to the customers and rested on me at my table in the corner. She gave me a very small, slightly forced smile and muttered something to Jiwoo - letting her know she was going on break.

I managed to smile back at her, but sometimes it was hard. Sometimes I just missed her too much, I missed what we used to have, how happy it had been during those early days when we didn’t have these restrictions, when we could just see each other and be together without all these barriers in between.

She sat across from me, adjusting the cap on her head, “Hey!” Her voice was strained. She sounded exhausted. I reached across the table, intertwining our fingers together as tightly as I could. Her hand was cold. She used to be so warm.

“Hi...” I muttered, already finding myself counting every second as it passed by. Her breaks were only ten minutes long, and boy did ten minutes really feel like no time at all when you wanted it to last, “You look beautiful.”

She laughed airily, brushing a stray strand of hair that had fallen from her ponytail back behind her ear, “Beautiful? That’s a bit of a stretch.” I reached with my other hand to clasp hers with both of mine, just wanting contact. Wanting to hold her, “I got three hours of sleep last night. If that.” How could she say that so flippantly?

I hated how hollow her voice sounded. It had the cadence of her usual charisma but it lacked all of its impact. Her words didn’t surprise me. She’d been struggling with insomnia ever since the fight with her parents. She’d lay awake, her mind buzzing, until she passed out from absolute exhaustion. Sometimes that only happened even after the sun had started to rise and the birds had started to chirp. The lack of energy showed. It wasn’t like her in the slightest.

My instinct was just to tell her to “sleep more.” That’s what I’d done the first time, when she told me she went to bed at 4 AM, but then she explained: it wasn’t that she didn’t _want_ to sleep, it was that she couldn’t. The way she’d described it initially was that her thoughts were so nonstop and constant that she couldn’t turn them off. They were fears and worries that plagued her for hours on end. She’d tell me about some of them in the hopes that I’d somehow be able to make them go away, to ease her nerves, but for most I didn’t have any answers, or our ten minute time frame wasn’t long enough for her to properly explain things to me.

One of her biggest, most persistent fears was that this life of restrictions, curfews and monitoring would never end. That she’d never have the freedom she used to, that we’d never be able to go back to how we once were. I didn’t know what to say to that, mainly because I had that fear too.

Last time there had been a deadline. An end point. Once Christmas happened, they’d let up. This time they didn’t say anything of the sort. It seemed final. Jungeun had told me ten times over that she’d never seen them this mad and that they’d never cracked down on their rules so intensely before. What if this was just how things were now?

I had a few fears of my own, but I didn’t share them. I felt like it wasn’t the time. It would just add more to her plate that was already disastrously full. She didn’t need to know what I was coping with - our time together was so scarce, neither of us wanted to spend it talking about the negatives. But there honestly wasn’t much else to talk about.

I was scared that we wouldn’t get to spend any substantial time together before the semester ended and I had to go back home. It was getting close. Her year was ending too, and she was going to be graduating high school, which was pretty significant. The ceremony was actually only supposed to be a week or so from then, and I was scheduled to leave a few days after. We both knew that. I had mentioned it before, and I knew she’d kept track of the days, but thinking too long about that - addressing just how close it was - it would be too much. For the both of us. It was this unspoken, mutual understanding to leave that topic alone.

It didn’t stop me from thinking about it, though. From fretting about it for hours and hours, from worrying so intensely that my hands would start to shake. They started to then, as well. I hoped she didn’t notice, because I didn’t want her to ask what was wrong.

Changing the subject from her insomnia, I tried to talk about something else. Anything else, “Yerim has an A in history.” It was easy to talk about Yerim. She was happy and light, there was always something to talk about. For a second my mind flashed back to that period over break where she’d been sad and distant. I’d never asked her about that, mainly because she never brought it up, and it seemed to have been totally forgotten. She was her usual bubbly self whenever I saw her.

Jungeun smiled at the thought of the fun-loving girl, a more genuine one than before, “That’s good, she’s come a long way,” She rested her head on her free hand, cocking it slightly at me, “You won’t have to tutor her next year, huh?”

My face fell slightly. For some reason the thought hadn’t occurred to me, although it was pretty self-explanatory. I guess I’d be saddled with some other kid who failed a class. Nobody could compare to Yerim. I’d have to stay in touch.

I frowned a bit, “Yeah, I guess so... I’ll still see her, though. Once you meet Yerim, it’s pretty hard to just forget her.”

She nodded, “That’s for sure...” There was something lingering behind her voice. Something dark and distant. This is what usually happened during her breaks. We’d try to keep things normal, keep things light, but there was an underlying sadness there that we left unaddressed.

We did that too often. And although I understood why, we should probably stop.

I shifted how I sat in my chair, “How have you been...?” I asked slowly, making the question vague enough so that she could easily deflect it if she didn’t feel like becoming too vulnerable. I left it up to her. I didn’t want to push, sometimes I was so worried that she was hanging by a thread for most of the day - that her composure was weak and fragile.

The last thing I wanted to do was come in on her break and make her upset for the last half of her shift. She didn’t need that. I was supposed to cheer her up. That was my job, that’s what a girlfriend should do, right? It felt like I made no impact anymore, but I understood why. How could I impact this? I couldn’t do much of anything to really help. I had to rely on promises I knew were empty, sentiments that made no difference no matter how sincere they were.

She had the chance to dismiss it, but she didn’t take it. I could see her thinking, considering, understanding that there were multiple choice to make, but she still decided to talk about it. I think she needed to.

“Bad.” She stated plainly, her voice void of any sort of emotion.

My chest tightened at the confirmation. As if I didn’t know that already.

“Bad...” I repeated, nodding slowly. My eyes flitted to the clock. She only had five more minutes before she’d get called back to the counter. It was going by too fast. So fast. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, I hated this. How brief these were. How infrequent. Ten minutes, five days a week? That wasn’t even an hour. And I never got to see her on weekends, she was practically on lockdown. I pursed my lips slightly, “...I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” I’d barely finished my apology before she’d refuted it, “You’re the best part of all this.” Her grip on my hand shifted, instead moving her soft fingers to trace along my wrists.

I chuckled, and she didn’t at all seem to understand what was funny, “Really...?” She nodded, “I feel like I’m not helping.” That had slipped out as if on its own. I hadn’t wanted to say that, I didn’t mean to make this about myself. It wasn’t about me.

Her brow furrowed, any trace of a smile long since having left her face, “What?” She scooted her chair closer to the table, one of her legs wrapping around mine just like how she’d first played footsie with me that time in the library, “You are helping. You help me so much. This,” She gestured between the two of us, “These little meetings over my breaks, it’s... it’s all that’s keeping me going, I swear.”

That made me feel better. It did, the reassurance was way more needed than I would’ve thought. But I still felt like something was off, “This isn’t much. I wish... I wish I could do something more.” I was whispering, as if that were some sort of secret. It felt like one.

She sighed, “It’s enough. There’s not much else we can do... look, as long as I can see you - at all, even for a bit, it’s enough. Having you here, like this, it’s all I need.” She lifted my hand lightly to her lips and kissed it, doing her best to be subtle.

“It doesn’t feel like enough.” I added, my voice trembling right along with the hand that she still held. She held it against her cheek, shutting her eyes for a moment.

“It has to be...” Her eyes were getting glossy and I knew I’d made a mistake bringing this up. I should have just kept up our ruse of normalcy, our casual conversations about how other people were doing because it got too hard if we talked about each other. Right when I went to apologize, or to retract it - change the topic, she spoke up again, “One of my essays for class asked me to describe home, and I almost wrote your name.” My next breath got caught in my throat, “They want you to write about a damn place, but I feel more at home when I’m with you than I ever did in my own house.”

I shifted my hand that was still in her grasp, intertwining our fingers more firmly. I craved more contact, a _lot_ more contact that I knew I couldn’t have with her in the middle of this café. I shook my head back and forth, letting myself stare at her, deeply, intensely, trying to convey so many things through my gaze because I knew our time was almost up. “ _God_ I really want to kiss you right now.”

Her expression changed and her eyes got darker. Inhaling deeply, she looked over her shoulder toward the clock. It was a minute before her break was up. Jiwoo looked at the two of us as the line got longer - visibly conflicted. She knew about our situation, she saw Jungeun and I sitting over in the corner every time she had a break, and sometimes Jungeun would use her phone to text me during class. It was getting really busy, though. The poor girl was too nice to actually ask for Jungeun to help, but you could tell she was struggling.

Her eyes returned to me in an instant, “Listen. I get out at 8. There’s an alley behind the cafe, please just...” She lightly pressed her lips against the back of my hand again and her breath was warm, “... I’ll try to get off early. Meet me there.” She was already starting to stand up. I didn’t want her to go. God, I just wanted to sit with her for just a little longer.

I clutched her arm, holding her in place, “Wait, what about your parents?”

My heartbeat increased as she stepped closer, daring to lean slightly down and kiss the top of my head, “They pick me up on the street, not the alley. I can cut back through the store so it’ll look like I just got off.” I stared up at her, entranced. She looked more energized than I’d seen her in weeks, her smile genuine and bright. A weight I hadn’t quite realized I’d been carrying on my shoulders was lifted just from seeing her like that again, “Can you make it?”

“Of course,” I released my death grip on her and she started to back up, toward the counter, making sure to shoot me a wink before she re-entered her customer service persona.

I had four hours to wait. God, that seemed like an eternity. I left the Roost and headed back to my room, working as hard as I could to get some of my projects and papers out of the way. I wanted to free up my schedule as much as possible in case Jungeun ever had a spontaneous opportunity to see me. The chances of that were slim, and I knew that but didn’t care. My priority was Jungeun, always.

At some point, Sooyoung came in and saw me diligently taking notes at my desk. I heard her sigh over my shoulder, setting down her bag on her side of the room as she slowly approached me. I didn’t think much of it and tried to focus, but jumped slightly in surprise when her arm wrapped around my torso from behind and she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Wha--” As soon as I spoke, her grip tightened. Confused, I reached and placed a gentle hand on her arm, “Hey, what’s all this for?”

This was out of character. She’d been kind of distant lately, not asking me many questions, not being nearly as talkative. I’d just assumed she was busy with work, like most everyone was toward the end of the semester. Once or twice she asked how Jungeun was doing, but there wasn’t much to tell. Nothing had really changed.

So in theory, this could’ve been about anything, “I just...” She took a deep breath, “I dunno. I can tell you’ve been having a hard time and I haven’t been talking to you about it. That was lame of me, I’m sorry.” The apology was so genuine, it caught me off guard. All of this was incredibly odd.

I spun around in my chair and she released her hold on me. The look on her face was... strange, I couldn’t tell if it was empathy or pity, or some mixture of the two, “That’s okay... you’ve been busy with stuff. I mean, I don’t think I really have much to talk about.”

She saw through that. Although she wasn’t the best with most things sentimental, whenever it had to do with relationships she seemed to take on an instantaneous role of an advisor, and she was good at it. I wondered why it didn’t really translate to anything else. I wondered a lot of things about her, but never felt like it was the right time to ask.

“Yes you do.” She crossed her arms, adopting a similar firm and coaxing tone I’d gotten really used to, “Your girlfriend who you used to spend every waking moment with is practically under house arrest. It’s pretty clear you’re going through Jungeun-withdrawal, I don’t know why you’re bothering to hide it.”

She was right. That’s honestly what it felt like - withdrawal. I’d gotten so used to seeing her every day, being able to hug her, kiss her, whenever I wanted. Hell, I couldn’t even text her anymore, or call her to hear her voice. It left my chest feeling hollow, like something was missing that was supposed to be there. Her. Jungeun. My whole life felt out of balance. Nothing seemed right anymore. I couldn’t fix things, couldn’t help, and that was undoubtedly the worst part of all this.

“I...” I sighed, burying my face into my hands for a few moments, “I don’t know what I can do for her. Like, how can _I_ help? I feel like the more I interfere, the worse I’ll make things. If her parents ever caught she and I together... who even knows, they may just kick her out of the house. Disown her.”

Sooyoung frowned, her brow furrowing in thought. She rolled her own desk chair closer to mine and took a seat, giving me her utmost attention, “That’s true...” Her jaw clenched and unclenched, and she shrugged. It wasn’t like I’d expected her to have real answers, or even advice that I’d want to hear, but I hadn’t necessarily thought she’d agree with my self-defeating mindset so readily, “This situation is really bad. And it’s precarious. Either one of you could do something to make it worse, and I can’t think of anything that could make it better besides a _lot_ of time.” She pointed vaguely to the calendar I had pinned up on my desk, “A lot of time you don’t really have.”

“Don’t remind me.” I muttered, checking the time briefly on my phone. It was nearly 7:30. I should head out soon, but Sooyoung still seemed like she wanted to talk.

She disregarded my unwillingness to discuss the topic, which initially I didn’t appreciate, but in hindsight it was needed, “Have you two talked about it?” I raised an eyebrow at her, “Yaknow, about what you’re going to do over the summer?”

I hugged myself loosely, something I’d been doing a lot whenever my Jungeun-withdrawals got particularly strong, “No.”

“You should.” Her words were soft spoken but I knew how serious she was being. She wanted me to take this to heart, “It’s gonna come sooner than you think. Look, just don’t leave it to the last minute, okay?” She reached forward, resting her hand on my knee.

She was right. When wasn’t she right about these things? I nodded firmly, and that seemed to be enough for her. She gave me the faintest of smiles before rolling the chair back to her desk.

“I’ve gotta go see her, actually,” I got to my feet, making sure to check how I looked in the mirror.

“Oh?” She spun to face me yet again, “You look good. No need to worry.” I blushed slightly, fluffling my hair with my hands, “Don’t have _too_ much fun!” I turned to glare at her but just collapsed into a flustered mess when she shot me a wink. Ugh, I _hated_ when she said stuff like that. She had such a dirty mind.

And it was annoyingly contagious.

It was sort of nerve wracking, navigating alleyways in a city I still wasn’t familiar with after the sun had set. After some fumbling and map checking on my phone, I came behind what I was pretty sure was the Roost. There was a small little sign on a metal door that said “do not enter, employees only.” It was almost 7:50. I wondered if Jungeun was actually going to find a way to get out early. It wasn’t like there like there many people looking to get a coffee this late, but her boss had been cracking down. I leaned awkwardly against a nearby wall, the alley totally empty save for a few parked cars.

Before I knew it, the door creaked open on loud, rusty hinges and out stepped a relatively groggy looking Jungeun. It took her a second to spot me in the dim lighting of this alley, but as soon as she did, her face lit up like a beacon.

“Hi!” I exclaimed, extending my arms for her. She surged forward in an instant and threw herself into them, clinging to me. Her body had been tense, but as soon as we were against one another I felt it relax, “You smell like cinnamon,” I told her, burying my nose into her hair.

She laughed, “Yeah, cuz I spilt like half a jar of it on me twenty minutes ago.”

  
It’d been so long since I got to hug her like this. Sometimes we’d hug after her breaks, but we had to make them brief. We couldn’t hold onto one another with this blatant desperation for as long as we wanted. It felt like this warmth I’d been lacking just flooded back into me the longer this contact was held, my chest got light, my heart swelled, the pressure on my shoulders lifted and my head started to swim.

She took a deep, quaking breath, “I miss this.”

“Me too.” I missed _her_.

Her grip loosened ever so slightly, “You know what else I miss?” She asked in a hushed whisper, the tone to her voice something I’d never heard before that made me weak in the knees. Uh oh. What was she doing?

I didn’t have a chance to ask. She’d already pulled away, taken an extra second to stare deeply into my eyes, and kissed me. Hard.

I literally moaned and I couldn’t help it, couldn’t keep it back, my whole body startled to shake so hard I doubted my ability to stand. My hands clung to her shirt, balling up the fabric in my fists and pulling her closer, kissing her back as fervently and as passionately as I possibly could. Her hands wrapped around my waist, fingers already daring to slip beneath the hem of my shirt and brush against the bare skin of my lower back, leaving a trail of goosebumps wherever her skin touched mine.

It didn’t help that it had been even longer since we’d last kissed like this. She didn’t dare to while we were in the shop, scared that someone who knew her parents would see and spread the word. Although I’d craved it subtly whenever I saw her, although I spent a lot of our talks just staring at her lips, although I remembered what it felt like and the normal sensations her kisses would give me, this one just felt... amplified, in every sense of the word. We were frantic, knowing there wasn’t nearly as much time as we both so badly wanted there to be. It was like we were trying so hard to make up for all the times we had to depart with just a hand hold or a quick hug, all the time we’d missed because of her parents restrictions, all the emotions and yearning that we couldn’t convey because of the separation and the distance. It was _so_ much.

Her teeth snagged my lip once, twice, her motions rough and desperate. Her nails were sharp and they scratched at me, leaving marks. I wanted her to mark me. _Whoa_. I thought to myself, startled at my own thoughts and how badly I yearned for this. For her.

I spun us, pushing her against the wall, wanting to be _closer_. She gasped slightly at my sudden aggressiveness and I took my chance to slip my tongue past her lips, feeling lightheaded at the soft whimper she let out. I moved, cupping her jaw, cradling it like it was made of gold, my thumbs slowly caressing the skin there - a huge change of pace from everything else we were doing.

But she didn’t want to go slow. She didn’t want any of this to be slow. In the next second she’d reasserted her dominance and I started to get the feeling she didn’t much like when I took control. I felt my back being pressed against the brick a second time as she deepened our kiss, one of her hands moving to my thigh and pulling my leg up to slightly wrap around her. My heart was beating out of my chest, my breaths quick and uneven, my whole body feeling like a furnace. Her skin burned too, the heat emanating off of her and lingering on me.

When she pulled back abruptly, I was confused and couldn’t help but pout at the loss of contact, despite being so incredibly flustered. My confusion was short lived. Her lips moved to my neck and I moaned again, the sound embarrassingly loud. I blushed hard, moving one of my hands to cover my mouth at what she was _doing_. My body started to tingle _everywhere_ and I returned my grip on her shirt, glad that she held onto my thigh still because I wasn’t sure I’d still be upright otherwise. Her kisses were rough and aggressive, teeth scraping ever so slightly against sensitive skin, her tongue occasionally daring to tease just below my ear, it was... oof. I was a wreck - panting, shaking, making all sorts of little noises that I did my best to keep quiet. My fingers entangled in her hair, holding her in place, my chest heaving.

When she tentatively bit my earlobe my next breath got caught in my throat and I couldn’t help but squeak out, _“Jungeun--_ ”

At the sound of her name, her nails dug into me harder, pulling my leg more firmly around her and sliding the hand still on my back further up my spine.

Everything came to a grinding halt when her phone started to buzz in her apron pocket. It buzzed and was vibrating against me in... places. She pulled away, taking a few lingering second to regulate her breathing before actually answering the call.

“Hello?” I could tell from her tone that she was talking to one of her parents. Her eyes kept flitting back to me. Her cheeks were flush with color and she held one of her hands against her mouth in an effort to muffle just how out of breath she was, “Yes, I’m just tidying the break room - someone left their lunch all over the table.” The lie seemed natural - much more so than I’d ever heard her try to lie to her parents before. She must’ve gotten better at it out of necessity, “Yes, I’ll be out in one minute,” She stared back at me with a frown, “Okay, yes. Bye.” She tucked her phone back into her pocket.

I was far from regaining even a semblance of composure, my heart still beating so fast I could practically hear it in my ears. That was... wow.

She moved forward again, this time only wrapping her arms around me one last time, “I’ve gotta go.” Having her against me just made me want to kiss her all over again, but I knew we’d just get lost in each other and now wasn’t the time. All I could do was hug her back, hold her for just a few more seconds, breathe her in.

“We’ll be okay,” I whispered to her, shutting my eyes tightly, feeling her fingers curl against my shoulders, “I’ll see you soon. I need to see you soon.”

She nodded over and over again, “Yeah.” We broke apart, but the look on her face and the fire behind her eyes startled me, “We need to uh,” She looked me up and down slowly and slightly bit her lower lip. Okay, oh my god? I swear I almost passed out, glad I was leaning against a wall because I might have literally staggered if I didn’t have something to support me, “Continue this.”

“Okay,” My voice was so weak I had to clear my throat, “Yeah, uh... yeah, that’d be great...”

With that, she gave me the faintest trace of a smile and forced herself to head back into the Roost, shooting me one last look before the door shut all the way behind her.

Once she was out of sight, I let out a long, heavy sigh and buried my face into my hands. Oh my _god_ , my legs were literally shaking. I knew she still had a lot of influence and power over me, and that she could basically turn me into a bumbling mess if she wanted with a few words, but I just... had _not_ expected how affected I would be. And my mind was running _wild_ with whatever it was that she’d just implied. If we hadn’t gotten interrupted, how far would this have gone...?  
  


I stumbled back to the dorm, thinking that my composure would come back and my breath would even out as I walked, but it didn’t. I was still just as much of a wreck as I clumsily unlocked my door.

Sooyoung was sitting at her desk doing homework, and although I normally hated it when she brought up... things like that when they weren’t relevant, now I think it _was_. And if I wanted advice from anyone, she’d definitely be the one to ask. She was... more experienced than I was, that was something I definitely knew about her. And the more I thought about it, the more nervous I felt myself getting. Nervous about what Jungeun wanted, what she thought we were going to... do, if she even was hinting at that, if I was reading into things, but why would I be reading into things? Did I _want_ her to be hinting at... that, but I just wasn’t processing it? Did I want to... oh boy, my mind was _definitely_ not helping _anything_ right now.

Sooyoung spun to face me, “How’d it goooo?” Her sing-song, teasing voice wasn’t appreciated, and once she saw the look on my face, her expression changed as well. She raised an eyebrow, “What happened? Something happened.”

I sighed, really feeling like I needed to sit down. I moved and laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, my heart still beating a million miles a minute, “Sooyoung, I think Jungeun wants to... um...” I couldn’t even say it, Jesus. If I couldn’t _say_ it, how was I expected to... _do_ it?

“What???” I heard the wheels of her chair frantically rolling and I knew she’d brought the chair right in front of my bed, “Wait, wait, excuse me?!”

I hid my face with my hands, getting more and more embarrassed with each second this topic lingered in the air. I already regretted bringing it up. Maybe I was reading into things that weren’t there to begin with? Projecting things I subconsciously hoped for? But... the way she had looked at me before she’d left, and the tone to her voice, I... there was something I’d never seen or heard from her before. And I’d felt something I’d never felt before, this... stirring in my chest.

I just groaned in frustration, shaking my head back and forth. The smell of her perfume stuck to my clothes and it was making me feel almost dizzy.

Sooyoung scooted the chair closer, slapping my leg repeatedly, desperate to get a solid answer out of me, “She wants to _sleep with you_???” She whispered the words and they sounded forced coming from her. I was pretty sure that wasn’t how she usually referred to... that, but was trying to be less crass so she wouldn’t turn me into a blushing disaster, “Explain!! Jinsol explain this instant!!” She gripped my leg harder and shook me.

I laughed slightly at how hyped up she was, my cheeks burning like crazy, “She... I dunno! We just... kissed a lot, and--”

“--You made out??” She clarified, the bluntness much more in character.

I rolled my eyes, still concealing my face, “Yeah, I guess, and she... like...” I wasn’t sure how to word it. The more I thought about how minor and wordless the signals had been, the more stupid I felt about how I’d reacted.

“What?? God, Jinsol, you’re killing me!” She pinched me hard and I sat up from the slight pain, finally moving my hands to look at her. Her eyes were wide and she had on a mischievous smile, knowing that to get any real info from me she’d have to push and pry and also seeming more than okay with that.

I sighed, annoyed at myself as I realized I had to at least try to explain or she wouldn’t ever let me drop the subject, or have any advice to give me, “She looked at me in this... _way,_ and she bit her lip, and she said that we had to ‘continue it.’” I paused, having a hard time looking at her, “See, I don’t even know if that’s--”

“--She wants you.” Sooyoung stated matter-of-factly, leaning back in her chair. My gaze moved to her. Her arms were crossed and she looked smug - pleased with herself.

I felt the heat in my cheeks get even more intense right as I thought I’d gotten used to it, “...Huh?”

Sooyoung rolled her head on her neck, repeating herself without so much as flinching, “She wants you, and you _definitely_ want her, but you’re both too scared to actually say it.” She shrugged, making sure to add on, “It’s not that you’re necessarily scared to _do_ it, but you’re not gonna sit down and have a chat beforehand.”

“I--?!” My words got caught in my tightening throat, the paths my mind was going down against my will giving me shivers, “I don’t--?”

“--Don’t what?” She cut off my sentence before I could ramble on aimlessly any further, cocking an eyebrow at me, “Don’t want her?” My head started shaking back and forth timidly, the response automatic. Of course I wanted her. Who wouldn’t want her? What scared me was... exactly _what_ I wanted from her. Those were the thoughts I kept actively trying to repress because they just... sent me reeling.

She nodded knowingly, having well-anticipated my answer, “Alright, so you both want to. What’s the problem, why’re you so shaken up?”

Now I felt myself blushing for a whole other reason - something that was probably the root of a fair bit of all my anxiety surrounding the concept. I’d never... done anything like that before. The only relationships I’d ever been in had been with guys who I hadn’t really cared about, so we never went even remotely far enough to get to that point. And I’d only ever learned in school about how to... do stuff with guys, not girls. I had no idea how these things worked. I assumed Jungeun didn’t either, from what she’d told me we seemed to be in pretty similar positions. The thought of us both not really knowing did put me a bit more at ease, but I didn’t want to be totally in the dark. Sooyoung, though? At the very least, she knew more than I did.

“I’m...” I pursed my lips for a second, clenching my fists because my hands were trembling slightly from how incredibly embarrassed and nervous this whole conversation was making me, “...inexperienced.” My whole body tensed, bracing for the impact of her inevitable reaction.

She gasped in exaggerated surprise, “You’re a _virgin_?”

I hid my face in my hands all over again, regretting having ever removed it, “Stop, don’t--”  
  


“-- _Wow_ Jinsol we can’t even be friends anymore, how can I - the lesbian icon that is Ha Sooyoung - _ever_ be seen associating with a _virgin_??” The sarcasm dripping from her words actually made me laugh slightly. She reached forward and gently shoved my shoulder, “That doesn’t matter! She’s probably a virgin too, also terrified out of her mind right now!”

I dared to lower my fingers, showing only my eyes to look at her. She saw the genuine fear there and her expression changed a bit - getting more serious and empathetic instead of trying to brush off my worries as unnecessary.

Her brow furrowed slightly and she leaned closer, patting my knee again, “Look, I get that you’re stressed about it. That’s natural, but if you want to, and she wants to, I think you should. You’re comfortable with her, right?” She asked the question slowly, her voice softer than before. I nodded. I don’t think I’d ever been more comfortable around someone, “Then that’s the best way to have your first time - with someone you really care about and are comfortable with, when you’re both ready, and when you’re not gonna get walked in on by your parents.” She added on that last part with a smile creeping onto her face.

My eyes widened at her, “Your parents walked in on you??”

She chuckled at the memories, “Yep... not the best way for them to meet my first girlfriend, but hey, what can ya do?” She was so casual about it, but if my parents ever walked in on Jungeun and I doing... _anything_ , I’d probably just die from embarrasment right on the spot.

“Seriously??” I couldn’t help but giggle as I pictured the situation, and she laughed right along with me.

“Just be more careful than I was!” She warned, starting to roll her chair backwards toward her desk where her homework had been left forgotten, “If you have any more questions, just feel free to ask.”

God, did I have questions. I had _so_ many questions, but they were all getting caught in my throat, me being way too nervous and self-conscious to say a single one of them. I should, and I knew that I should. My lips parted as a veiled sign of my dismay and thankfully she noticed, catching the desperation behind my eyes and taking note of it with her natural intuition.

Sighing lightly, she scooted her chair back across the room, “Alright, lets make this a sex Q&A then,” I flinched when she actually used the word and she rolled her eyes at me, “First, you gotta knock that off. Can’t have you wincing every time I say sex.” I flinched again and she glared, “Stop it.” I did my best to conceal the reaction.

For the next solid hour or two, that’s just what we did. We had a... sex Q&A, and it went on for a really long time. Most of it was just me forcing myself to actually ask the questions that I had and actively fighting my embarrassment away so that I could even keep the conversation going. I had absolutely made a correct assumption in thinking Sooyoung had a lot of experience. She usually had two or three anecdotes connected to every question I asked. She had dos and don’ts, tips and tricks, and just so much info that a lot of it didn’t really stick with me in all honesty, but I did retain the main ideas.

I went to bed late, having a hard time even trying to sleep, my mind running wild with... things. I wondered if Jungeun was even remotely having any of these types of thoughts or if I was jumping to conclusions and getting myself all riled up for no good reason. I wondered if she was having a hard time sleeping too, plagued with her usual insomnia. I wondered if she was worrying herself to death, remembering how close it was to the end of the year and how little time we had left together. As soon as the thought came to mind again, sleep ironically only seemed like a dream.

I got up the next day, groggy and knowing I’d need to take a serious nap after class. Sooyoung had already left, leaving me to my own devices. I got ready with weighted movements, rubbing at my eyes, trying and failing to wake up properly.

It was only when I got a text that all my sleepiness was drained straight out of me in an instant.

_Heejin (Jungeun, 1st class): would you be willing to skip class today_

Skip class? For Jungeun? Absolutely. That wasn’t even a question. Not to say I didn’t have quite a few questions about this.

_yeah, when? for what?_

My heart was in my throat as I saw the text being read, and watched those dots go across the screen as she typed something back.

_Heejin (Jungeun, 1st class): i’m skipping too, in twenty minutes i’m gonna sneak out and walk home. i need to see you, i want to pick up where we left off last night_

Okay, I couldn’t even breathe. Either I was still reading into things because my mind was clouded with... what Sooyoung and I had talked about all night, or she was just flat out saying she wanted to go further than how far we’d already gone. Last night was the most intense we’d ever gotten together, even more so than our little episode after I’d gotten back from break. And saying she wanted to “pick up where we left off” was... maybe she really meant that she just wanted to keep going? Nothing further? Maybe that’s all she wanted to do? That was ok, I knew how to do that.

Either way, I’d absolutely skip class to go and kiss Jungeun. Again, that wasn’t even a question, it was just a given.

For a second or two I wondered if Jungeun deleted the texts from her friends phones after she sent them or if they weirdly stayed there forever. 

_i’ll be there_

Twenty minutes. I had twenty minutes to get to Jungeun’s house. Sooyoung and Haseul were both in class so I couldn’t get a ride from them, I’d need to walk. I checked my makeup and outfit in the mirror twenty or thirty times, a nervousness making my chest tight as I rushed down the stairs and outside. My hands shook as I hastily tried to navigate the bustling city streets, knowing the way there just well enough to not need a map.

When I saw her house, my already buzzing thoughts only seemed to get louder somehow. Was she home already? Would the door be locked? Should I go in the back, not the front? She mentioned once or twice that she had nosy neighbors, would they rat us out to her parents if they saw us here during school hours?

I hovered on the sidewalk, my heart beating out of my chest both from how fast I’d walked here and how stressed I was to even head up those few steps to her door. People passed me by, some shooting me looks. I wished I could text her and ask some of my questions, but they wouldn’t go through.

Sighing to myself in an attempt to calm down, I just headed up the stairs and stood in front of her door. Before I had a chance to fret aimlessly any longer, someone must have heard me on the porch. Jungeun’s head popped up in the door’s window.

She undid a few locks before throwing it open and pulling me in by my hand, making sure to close it securely behind us.

Once we were both inside she let out a dragging breath it sounded like she’d been holding in, “Ok,” She redid a lock or two for good measure before tightening her grip on my hand and turning to look at me. Her smile was bright and genuine, enough to make me smile back despite how tense I was. Her brow furrowed for a second, “Hey, you’re shaking...” Her voice was soft.

I laughed slightly, “Yeah, I’m uh...” When her eyes met mine, I fell into them and actually lost my train of thought, “Um... nervous.”

She pulled me closer, her hands moving instead to gently grasp my sides, “Why? About skipping?” Our closeness was making my head spin. I couldn’t focus, could barely form any words.

“No... about...” The longer I looked at her, the more drawn out my breaths became and the more heat I felt rising to my cheeks, “I...” I felt something drawing me to her and I leaned closer. Her fingers curled against me and her eyes were getting dark. The air around us was thick, weighing the two of us down. She had her uniform on from school and she looked... _so_ cute in it, I just... “I want...”

She ran her tongue across her lips for a brief moment, making my legs feel like jelly, “What?” I felt her hands slide into the back pockets of my shorts and I couldn’t help but lean closer, so close that our lips nearly ghosted against one another, “What do you want?”

My hands hovered, still slightly trembling in the small dead space between us - feeling like if I actually had a grip on her I’d just lose all control, “I want to touch you,” I breathed out, the desperation to my tone not at all lost on her. We maintained our eye contact and it was piercing, deep. My cheeks were flushed with color but I couldn’t care less. The smell of her perfume was intoxicating, it was like it dulled all my other senses.

At my words she pulled me closer, fully against her, my hands pressing against her toned stomach, and I could feel how hot her skin was through the thin fabric of her shirt. I let out a shaky breath, overwhelmed by how intensely new, unfamiliar urges were rising up in me. I didn’t want her to be wearing this shirt. I didn’t want there to be anything between us, and that desire caught me so off guard I almost drew away, but something held me to the spot.

She was the first to kiss me and it was light, brief, yet so full of meaning it took my breath away. She pulled back slightly, her eyes still closed. Her hands left my pockets and trailed back up, moving to my jaw and resting there, “I want to touch you too,” She sounded... scared. I wondered if she was going through the same things I was - if she felt these urges but wasn’t sure if she should act on them. The tone to her voice and the uncertainty behind it was so instantaneously validating, so many of my nerves faded when I realized we were likely in the same boat.

It gave me some confidence, some boldness I hadn’t had, and I dared to move my shaky hands toward one of the buttons on her blouse and undo it. I could feel her tense, but I didn’t stop, instead slipping my fingers through the small opening and resting them on the toned bare skin of her stomach. My touch was light and gentle, but I heard her breath hitch and mine followed shortly after.

It was only then that she seemed to realize we were still standing in her entryway, and she whispered lightly, “My room.” It felt like warmth was draining out of me as she forced herself to draw back, maintaining a loose grasp on my hand. She led me up the stairs, my chest getting tighter and tighter with each step I took.

We were going to her room. We were alone in her house. Her parents were both at work. It was just us, and we were both... wanting things that we hadn’t really wanted before. What was going to happen up here? Were we going to...

We passed the threshold of her room and she didn’t bother shutting the door, the two of us far too wrapped up and enthralled with one another to do anything other than stare.

For a few seconds, she just looked me up and down, her fingers still intertwined with mine although we kept a nearly arms-length distance between us. It was like we both knew that if we got any closer, we wouldn’t be able to keep anything back anymore. We were both nearly out of breath just from being near one another.

She was the first to move again, pulling me backwards along with her as she walked to her bed. Bed. Alright. We were going to her bed. Okay, my heart totally wasn’t beating out of my chest. Nothing like that at all.

She laid down and pulled me on top of her, lips finding mine a second time. The kiss was firmer, faster, with more yearning behind it than before. It sent me reeling, and although I so desperately wanted to, I felt scared all over again to touch her. My hands braced against her sheets, holding myself up. She wasn’t scared though, and she didn’t hesitate.

I felt her grip the hem of my shirt and start to tug it upwards, the motion startling me so much I broke our kiss for a moment. When we disconnected she breathed out a timid question, “Can I?” She stopped and didn’t move the fabric any further, waiting for permission, waiting for confirmation. I nodded automatically, my body seeming to take over my bustling and confusing emotions. She made the final motion and pulled my shirt all the way up and off my arms. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I had a bra on, obviously, but I still felt so exposed. She’d never seen this much of my skin, and her reaction was shown on her face, I could see how jarred she was, how impacted, and it made me blush even more intensely than I already was. I nearly instinctively covered my chest with my arms but restrained myself for a reason I wasn’t sure of.

Her hands were halting and slow as they moved toward me, ghosting along my newly exposed torso so lightly and gently that my head was absolutely swimming. My eyelids fluttered closed, focusing on just her touch, just how soft the tips of her fingers were and how cautious she was being. I hadn’t expected it. Sooyoung had said it would probably be her first time too, though I hadn’t anticipated her to lack her usual confidence. I thought she was going to take charge, do whatever she wanted with me as soon as I gave the word, but that wasn’t the case. I’d thought she’d be dominant, but she’d pulled me on top of her.

“You’re so soft,” She whispered airily in my ear, her voice weak. Her lips kissed the side of my neck and my whole body shook. Her hands wrapped around my shoulders, and she pulled me closer against her - closing the space I’d deliberately left, “How are you so soft...?”

I didn’t really have an answer for that. I didn’t think I was that soft.

I wanted to be on even ground with her, so again, my mind took a back seat and my urges took over. With unsteady fingers I reached to the rest of the buttons on her blouse, undoing them one by one. I could feel the rising and falling of her chest getting faster with every button as she started to nervously play with the hairs on the back of my neck. When they were finally all undone, she sat up so she could shrug it off her shoulders, the fabric falling smoothly to the bedsheets.

We pulled back just enough to look at each other and my mind felt like it was short-circuiting. I mean... she always wore well-fitting things, so it wasn’t like I hadn’t seen her figure before, but god, seeing it like this? Without anything covering her slight curves, how toned her stomach was, the definition of her collarbones, it... ugh. I was a mess.

Thankfully she didn’t seem to be any more composed than I was. She bit her lip again and I couldn’t help but lean closer, “Stop doing that.” I pleaded with her, wondering if she knew just how much that shook me - if she did it on purpose.

“Doing what?” She asked playfully just as she did it again, her dazzling white teeth standing out on her red lips. Okay now she was teasing.

  
I got closer, my hands moving and wrapping around her lower waist. Her back arched into me, into the skin on skin contact, and as soon as I touched her I understood why she’d asked me about how soft I was. She felt like literal silk, like pure velvet. I kissed her, feeling like I just _needed_ to, and teased her own lip with my teeth. She whimpered and I felt a surge of... something go through my entire body, my legs tingling. I kissed her harder, deeper, pushing her slightly into the mattress. She moaned slightly and it drove me crazy. I wanted to hear that again. That was all I wanted to hear, ever again.

Something in her seemed to change without much warning, something significant. Her dominance took over again and I wasn’t at all protesting. My heart leapt into my throat as she flipped our positions, pinning me to the bed with her weight, slinking her tongue past my lips and digging her sharp nails into my back. I let her take control of the whole situation, having not a single protest with anything she was doing. In fact, what scared me was that I wanted more, even still. One of her hands shifted, her nails leaving a trail of scratched skin as she snaked toward my chest. Oh boy.

Even though I knew what she planned on doing, my reaction wasn’t any less intense when she actually grasped one of my breasts.

I couldn’t help but moan against her, my whole body pulsing with heat, my breaths getting scarce and sharp. She kissed me harder, her motions growing a bit more uncertain because of the new contact but not withdrawing from it. When she broke away to instead leave a trail of kisses along the side of my neck, it felt like my vision was blurring.

Her usual confidence seemed to return in an instant from how... positively I was responding. All of her movements became more deliberate, more aggressive, like how she’d been in the alley the night before. Her teeth came back in full force and I wasn’t at all complaining. She bit down on my shoulder hard enough to surely leave a mark, but I didn’t even flinch from the slight sting of pain, since it only earned another moan from me. My hands balled up the sheets into white knuckled fists, as if holding myself to the bed for fear of floating off into space otherwise.

After a minute or so her confidence seemed to have raised enough for her to make her next move. She seemed so in control, so sure of everything, so absolutely in her element. And what she did next only solidified in my head that this must not have been her first time.

Her hand that wasn’t... occupied trailed down my torso and started to unbutton and unzip my shorts. My already impossibly tight grip on the sheets tightened, but when her fingers slinked past my underwear and one slid inside me, one of my hands shot and caught her wrist.

I knew it was supposed to feel good, Sooyoung said it would, but god, I did _not_ know it was going to feel _that_ good.

I rose slightly from the bed, sitting up and gasping aloud. She froze, all of her confidence seeming to dissipate into thin air just as soon as it had manifested.

“Does it hurt?” She asked me frantically, regret tinging her surprisingly innocent question. Her finger didn’t move an inch, but I could still so potently feel every centimeter of it. My grip on her wrist was initially tight and constricting, but I let it loosen.

“No,” I squeaked out, my eyes clenched tightly shut. It didn’t hurt in the slightest. More than anything I just wanted her to _move_ , “Don’t stop,” I pleaded, sounding so incredibly desperate because jeez, I _was_.

After a few excruciating seconds of anticipation, she finally moved the digit still inside me and a dragging moan crept from my throat, my head whipping back, my toes curling. My stomach was in knots. She kept kissing my neck, sucking on the skin beneath my ear and leaving yet another mark, her finger moving faster with each passing second. I really don’t know how to describe how it felt besides just... _really_ good. I think it was amplified because I knew it was Jungeun doing these things to me, the girl who I cared about more than anything, the girl I used to daydream about nonstop, the girl I never thought I’d be able to actually get. Now here I was, in her room, on her bed, with her on top of me, and... _this_ was happening.

Her finger went deeper unexpectedly and hit some spot that made me physically rise up from the bed again, “Jungeun- _ah_ \--” I whimpered out, clenching my eyes more tightly shut.

She held me down gently, her hot breaths warming my neck. They were uneven but not nearly as scarce as my own. Although she obviously wasn’t as affected as I was, she seemed pretty rattled - maybe she was finally processing what we were doing, or I guess, what _she_ was doing.

Sooyoung had told me something else that I suddenly remembered, although it was pretty hard to think a single coherent thought while all this was happening. She’d made sure to emphasize that Jungeun was probably going to take control, but that I shouldn’t just be so overwhelmed that I didn’t uh, “return the favor,” as she’d worded it.

Without letting myself overthink it to death or scare myself out of it, I unclenched one of my fists and moved my hand to slink beneath the waistband of her skirt. Too nervous to go past her underwear, I hovered atop it and was caught off guard by how... um, well, this was _definitely_ having an impact on her, too. When she felt what I was doing her whole body tensed - seeming to turn to stone. Her breath hitched and she held it in, though her finger’s movement didn’t stop, so I was still far from able to really address any of that mentally.

Instead, I braced myself for the next step of this and pushed aside the only layer separating me from her. With a quick breath of preparation, I slid my middle finger into her - right up to the knuckle. She tightened around me instantly and she couldn’t seem to hold herself up anymore, her full weight falling onto me with a sharp gasp.

“ _Ah,_ ” She whimpered, “Oh _fuck_...” Hearing her curse like that was... god, it was super hot, okay? Her hips started to move as if on their own, grinding against my hand rhythmically. Her finger picked up its own pace and I was almost delirious from how much pleasure was hitting me in waves over and over, relentlessly.

For a while we just kept going like that, absolutely consumed by each other’s movements. It felt like I was drowning, floating, and burning up all at the same time, the sensations overwhelming and paradoxical. My back would arch and my hand that previously clung to the sheets moved to cling to the back of her hair. Her light, airy kisses drifted from my neck along my jaw until they returned to my lips. Our frantic kisses helped to muffle all the moans and noises we kept making, the air thick and heavy with our tangible, seemingly insatiable lust.

Her skin just kept getting hotter but mine only matched her temperature. Pretty soon there was a sheen of sweat along the both of us from how intense all of this was and it seemed like both of us could barely take a real breath in.

All of our movements got faster, sloppier, and I felt something building up, like I was reaching the edge of some sort of peak. Sooyoung had told me about this but had a hard time trying to describe it with words, just like I am now. I just knew that I was going to be done soon, but I didn’t want to be. This didn’t feel real almost and I didn’t want it to end. I felt her tightening even more around my finger as I moved it, I felt her body tensing up, her breaths getting quicker, and I knew she was getting there too.

In what seemed like the next second, we both reached that point simultaneously, and it seemed to slam into the two of us like a ton of bricks. I felt myself rising up off the bed again, my grip on her hair getting so tight it might’ve even hurt her. She almost screamed but made sure to kiss me, the sound being muffled only slightly from the contact. I just barely managed to contain my guttural reaction to a particularly loud moan, my head swimming, my whole body trembling, my legs going numb. One of her hands moved to desperately clutch the headboard of her bed, her nails actually scraping off a piece of the painted wood.

I fell back down, hard, seeming to return to the real world just as I made contact with the mattress. She landed on top of me, her chest heaving, both of us totally spent. We removed our fingers and I shuddered from the motion, a wave of intense exhaustion washing over me. More than anything I just wanted to curl up with her and take a nap, but as reality settled back in, I also remembered we were both skipping class. For me it didn’t matter as much, college professors didn’t tend to keep track of you, but Jungeun’s teachers probably had a different way of doing things.

My fingers that had previously held onto her for dear life now just sleepily ran through her hair, trying to comb out the slight tangles I’d put into it. She rolled slightly off of me, instead opting to snuggle against my side as we both did our best to regulate our breathing again.

“Jesus,” She muttered, sounding totally dumbstruck. She looked up at me with a dazed expression, smiling sightly like a dope, “That was...”

“Wow.” I had no idea how else to word it. Neither of us had fully recovered from... all of that. In fact my legs didn’t feel 100% sturdy until a good few hours later, and I staggered when I first tried to stand from her bed.

Although that had absolutely blown my mind into irreparable smithereens, there were a few questions that managed to rise up from the rubble, one of which left me without giving me much time to consider how to word it, “Was that your first time...?”

I expected her to say no. She’d been so confident and lacked almost all hesitation once we’d really gotten into it, which must’ve been from experience. I wondered if she could tell I’d never done any of that before - if it was obvious. She definitely wouldn’t care, I was just curious.

But she caught me off guard. I should’ve known better, as always Jungeun refused to be predictable, “Yeah,” A slight blush came to her cheeks and I turned to place a light kiss on her forehead. She giggled happily and buried her face into my neck, “You?”

Knowing that we’d both been each other’s firsts just made that whole thing even more special when I hadn’t thought that to be remotely possible. My heart swelled and fluttered around my chest which wasn’t even the slightest bit tight anymore. If anything I felt more relaxed and at ease than I had in months, laying with her like that, feeling closer to her than I ever had with any person in my life.

“Same here,” I mumbled, staring up at her ceiling.

For a while we went quiet, more than happy to just be with each other and lay at each other’s sides. The closeness was something that I’d missed the most during this frustrating period of separation. Sometimes one of the few things that would keep me going was picturing what things would be like when they were okay again - when we’d be able to spend time together without fear or a time limit, and we could take naps together, cuddle, watch movies, go for walks, anything and everything. All I ever wanted was to be with her.

She was the first to snap us out of the fantasy we’d seemed to have effortlessly fallen into, sitting up, “My next class starts in ten minutes...” Her voice had changed drastically, adopting some sort of weird, dutiful tone. It didn’t sound like her and I didn’t like it. Reality came crashing back down even harder as I only then remembered the inherent sadness of our situation, our separation, how short the time was that we had left, how strained things were and how much I hated it.

I sat up too, finding my shirt laying forgotten on another part of the bed and slipping it back on. I handed her back her school blouse and she started to hastily button it up.

I needed to mention it. It had to be brought up at some point, we had barely a week left. She seemed to be actively avoiding it, maybe she was afraid it’d just push her over the edge of stress if she was reminded. I didn’t want to make things harder for her but it would do more harm than good in the long run to not talk about this before the last minute.

“Jungeun,” I spoke timidly, catching her attention as she slid her backpack on that I hadn’t noticed had been on the floor, “I’m going home in like, nine days.”

Her face fell even further than it already had, the light seeming to go out behind her eyes. I already regretted bringing this up. I should’ve waited for a better time, or just not said it all. Concerned, I shot to my feet, expecting denial, dismissal, maybe even panic.

Instead she just took a deep, measured breath as she smoothed down her skirt slightly, “I know. You don’t have to remind me.” Her words lacked absolutely all emotion besides a strange sort of acceptance. My eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

I clasped one of her hands, her skin still flushed and slightly warm from... all that stuff, “I just think... we should talk? Like... we haven’t even gotten a chance to really see where you’re going, or want to go next year. Have you been talking to your parents?”

She scoffed bitterly, “More like screaming at my parents,” Her eyes got distant, “They’ve been asking, don’t you worry. Lotta pressure on all sides here.” That last comment had a bit of spite behind it. I knew it was misguided, but it sort of hurt.

I surged closer, placing a gentle hand on her cheek, and her expression of deflection and slight sass slid straight off her face - replaced by what was really there: fear, worry, distress. She took another deep breath, this one notably more shaky than the last, “It’s been neverending interrogations. They want me to say that I’m going into medicine or law, but I just won’t. I never will. Things here have been... _unbearably_ tense, but I’m not gonna lie to them about my future, yaknow?” Her eyes got glossy. She didn’t like talking about them and I knew that.

I nodded, “Yeah, I get that. It’s a pretty big thing to lie about.” Again, my chest swelled in pride at how brave she was, how wonderfully stubborn, despite having every right to give in just for some potential leniency.

She sniffled, rubbing slightly at one of her eyes - all traces of a thinning composure vanishing in an instant, “After graduation they’re gonna ease up a bit, I think. At the very least I’ll be able to leave the house more. My sister’s coming home for a while so they’ll be distracted by her...” She leaned forward, resting her forehead against mine and staring intensely at me, “We can meet up then. Talk about this, make a plan. I know it’s cutting it close, but I won’t really have any other chances.”

“Sounds good,” I told her sincerely, already feeling better just knowing that we addressed this lingering issue. She kissed me lightly, even the slightest bit of contact still giving me butterflies.

“I have to get back to school...” She took two deliberate steps away from me, “Don’t follow too close or I’ll just start kissing you again.” She smirked cheekily at me and it made me blush, but the warning was genuine and I knew that.

I followed her down the stairs and out the door, hovering nearby as she locked it behind her - making sure not to leave any traces that she’d been home before she was supposed to be. She hugged me tightly before we parted ways on the sidewalk, our schools being in opposite directions, and she held on a little extra longer for good measure. Not wanting it to be obvious, she drew away much sooner than either of us would’ve liked and headed off down the street.

Boy oh boy, what a way to start my day.

My legs were still shaky after I finished my classes four or five hours later, and my mind kept flashing back to what had happened up there in her room.

I just kept thinking about when we’d be able to do that again.

Sooyoung was going to have a stroke when I told her about all this.

(P.S. - she did)


	11. Committed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungeun graduates high school and Jinsol needs to go home for the summer. Change is on the horizon for both of them, and though it's daunting, they've got no choice but to face it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

_**** _

Once you get out of high school, it’s so surreal to be in one again - even if it isn’t yours. Jungeun’s school couldn’t be any more different from mine. It was a huge building with multiple floors, big windows, recently built and kept up well. My high school had been small, one story, with only a few hundred kids in it at one time because of how tiny our town was. I guess it made sense, this was a city with hundreds of thousands of people living in it, it was only natural that it was overall a better facility. Still though, it felt more like I was teleported into some utopian future society, everything was so spotless. It didn’t help that we were there after classes, so the halls were practically empty.

“Ugh, how did we get so late??” Chaewon groaned in subdued frustration as Yerim skipped ahead of us toward the gymnasium - where the ceremony was being held. It was supposed to have started ten minutes before, and the sounds of someone making a speech through a mic was loud enough that it was faintly echoing through the hallways.

Hyunjin responded to the partially rhetorical question with a simple, seemingly automatic, “Blame Yeojin.”

I heard the enthusiastic girl pipe up over my shoulder as she clung to Haseul’s arm, “What?? Excuse me, how is this my fault?”  
  


Hyunjin shrugged, “I dunno, things are usually your fault.”

“That’s so unfair--”  
  


“--Blame Yeojin.” Hyunjin repeated herself adamantly, the teasing seeming like second nature to her.

I for one was incredibly nervous and relatively upset that we were so late, but was doing my best to hide it. Although I’d gotten quite a bit closer with all these girls, I still didn’t feel fully integrated into the friend group and I wasn’t 100% comfortable with showing how much of a stressed mess I was yet.

It was Jungeun’s graduation day (Jiwoo’s too), and we were all of course going to attend the ceremony. We’d all agreed to meet up outside the school fifteen minutes before it was scheduled to start, but things didn’t really go as planned. First Haseul couldn’t find parking, then I got sorta lost in the city, Yeojin ran off trying to buy a bouquet from the nearby floral shop after she saw the one that I held, Chaewon accidentally left her phone at home and kept asking if we could go back to get it because she was expecting a call and wanted to take pictures, there was just a lot going on. Though despite it all, we made it, and the door to the gym was in sight, a few signs indicating to visitors that was where the ceremony was. I gripped the bouquet I’d bought tighter, wondering if I’d even get the chance to give it to Jungeun or if her parents would glare at me so hard I’d chicken out.

Yerim reached the doors first and paused, holding up a finger to her lips to indicate we should be quiet. She was right, we were already going to be mildly disruptive by barging in noticeably late - a pretty large group of random girls that had a hard time keeping quiet. I looked toward the others and mimicked the gesture, as if emphasizing the importance of actually maintaining a low volume. Yeojin rolled her eyes, which didn’t reassure me. She needed to obey this the most. Haseul shot me a look implying that she’d keep her sister quiet regardless, which eased my nerves only slightly.

Sooyoung unexpectedly clasped onto my arm just as Yerim pushed the door open as gently as she could. I looked at my roommate only to see that she sort of looked just as nervous as I internally felt. Why was she nervous?

She’d wanted to come for Jungeun apparently, but Jiwoo was here too. Sooyoung hadn’t really been talking to me about Jiwoo at all, but the look on her face was something I’d never seen there before. Sooyoung didn’t get nervous. This was weird. If we hadn’t already been walking into the gym and semi-disrupting the ceremony, I would’ve stopped and asked her what was going on because I was so abruptly curious.

A few heads in the back row of seats turned to us with expressions of mild annoyance as we entered, and I smiled apologetically, though I didn’t really care about them. I cared about Jungeun, who I instantly spotted sitting on the stage in the first row of graduates. Jiwoo was a row or two behind her. I caught Jungeun’s eye in an instant, and once she saw me, her face lit up. She did her best to suppress what I knew was a smile, but I didn’t hesitate to grin so wide it almost hurt my cheeks. I waved, infatuated with her, enthralled by how beautiful she looked as always.

I was tugged slightly by Sooyoung as our small group shuffled over to a cluster of available chairs in the furthest corner of the gym and sat down. Jungeun’s eyes stayed on me the whole time, the contact held intensely. The speech being given was dreadfully dull, and I made sure to roll my eyes and make sleepy gestures toward her. Part of me realized that I probably shouldn’t be doing this or she’d start to laugh, and now was not the best time for her to start chuckling, but I didn’t care and kept it up.

They started to list off the names of her class and I threw her finger hearts and blew her kisses, the list going on for a disgustingly long time because of how big the class really was. A light blush came to her cheeks though it was hard to tell from the distance, and she pursed her lips slightly, trying to keep it together. Our group could sort of talk now, since different portions of the crowd kept cheering and applauding when the person they cared about got their diploma.

Sooyoung’s grip on my arm had stayed there for the duration of all of the boring speeches and formalities, and if Jungeun hadn’t looked so adorable I may’ve fallen asleep from how tiresome everything was. When Sooyoung’s grip tightened she suddenly had my full attention as she leaned over to whisper, “Look at Jiwoo oh my god,” My brow upturned in surprise and I turned to Sooyoung in confusion, but she didn’t even give me a glance, too busy staring dead at Jiwoo on stage. Again, I’d never seen that expression on her face - it reminded me of how I’d look at Jungeun. I did as she said and brought my eyes to Jiwoo, the girl beaming with a smile so bright it was ridiculously contagious. She seemed like quite the ball of sunshine. Sooyoung sighed, placing her free hand over her heart as if to slow how fast it was beating, “ _Ugh_ , she’s so _cute._ ”

Okay, what? This was weird and I had _so_ many questions: were they together? If so, why hadn’t she told me?? I was offended - I was keeping her constantly updated on Jungeun and I’s relationship, wasn’t it common courtesy to do the same with hers? Or was this some sort of unrequited crush? Were they still going on dates, or had that stopped? If it had, why did it stop? Did Jiwoo break it off? I thought back to when she was so flippant about the two of them, when she said they were “just having fun” and seemed shocked when I asked if they were girlfriends.

“Are you two dating??” I asked firmly, showing just how much I wanted an answer.

She flinched at the word, raising an eyebrow at me, “Wha--? I, um,” Her grip on me withdrew and I actually saw a blush come to her cheeks. Sooyoung was _blushing_?? This was so surreal, “No! No, we’re just... uh... no.” Her face only kept getting redder. That response was more or less the same thing she’d said the last time I’d asked, but it was different. Less fluent. Like it was more of a lie. Like there was something deeper there now, but she was ignoring it. Why ignore it?

Chaewon sat at my other side and she was practically bouncing up and down in excitement. She nudged my side and I was so startled by the contact it actually distracted me from all of Sooyoung’s weirdness, “It’s almost Jiwoo’s turn!! Oh!! This is so exciting!” Although I didn’t know Chaewon that well, I got the distinct feeling that she and Jiwoo were close. Their personalities seemed to line up nicely, and judging by how hyped she was getting, they must’ve been pretty good friends.

“Kim Jiwoo.” A man I assumed was the principal finally called Jiwoo’s name.

The girls started to shriek and clap so crazy I couldn’t help but flinch, my ears actually popping from how damn loud they were. I of course cheered too despite the noise, clapping, their happiness so present it instantly spread to me - only adding to how elated I already was for Jungeun. Sooyoung actually stood up, and I saw Jiwoo’s face change when she spotted her. I wish Sooyoung wasn’t being so stingy with the info she was giving me, because the visible chemistry between those two almost made the air dense.

Jiwoo went, took her diploma and shook the principal’s hand, the whole deal. I saw Jungeun clapping subtly for her too, although I didn’t think that the other students were even supposed to. Her eyes flitted to another part of the crowd and I saw her face fall for a second before she instead rested her hands in her lap. I knew in an instant that she’d looked at her parents, wherever in the crowd they were. I couldn’t help but scowl, a bitterness coming into me at the thought of them even being in this room, of them still scolding and glaring at their daughter on a day that was supposed to celebrate all of her achievements. I actually clenched my fists, sometimes finding myself wishing that I could go over there and punch her mom and dad in the face.

Jiwoo went and sat back down in her place while the next student’s name was called, and Sooyoung sat down again. Chae was still incredibly giddy, almost seeming to forget to stop clapping. She turned to look at me and definitely expected some sort of excitement to be on my face too, but the only thing there was frustration.

“You okay?” She asked lightly, seeming a bit nervous to pry. I was still staring at Jungeun, who wasn’t making eye contact with me anymore. She just stared down at the floor, looking way less happy than she should have. This was her day. She was supposed to be beaming like all the others, laughing, feeling relief and accomplishment, but I knew she wasn’t. I could see she wasn’t. I hated it. I hated it so much.

“No,” I stated plainly, my fists clenching tighter. Chae noticed and actually moved to rest her hand atop one of mine. It caught me off guard and I finally tore myself away from staring at Jungeun. She seemed concerned, which was sweet - we honestly barely knew each other besides a few run-ins and mutual friends, “It’s just... Jungeun’s parents are here, and I can tell they’re ruining this for her.” 

She nodded in understanding, her grip on my hand becoming more firm, “Oh...” I could tell she wasn’t sure what to do about it. Hell, neither did I. What could we do? Go ask them to leave? Yell at them for being horrible excuses for parents? Go up to the stage, grab Jungeun and pull her out of the gym with me?

Although I knew it was unrealistic, in all honesty I spent a lot of my time just daydreaming about the two of us running away together. Leaving behind her awful family and going to live somewhere else, just the two of us. It could never happen. I still had to go to school, we didn’t have enough money to actually get a place, it wasn’t like she could come back with me to my small town - she had such great friends here she shouldn’t give up, and my parents would be a bit wary about just letting my friend they’d never met come live with us, especially since I did plan on eventually coming out to them. I couldn’t help it though - imagining a life where I could live with Jungeun was just so satisfying to even think about.

Sooyoung was still smiling, the only feasible cause being Jiwoo. The two were staring at each other, even still, and although I burned holes into Jungeun she wouldn’t match my gaze again. It worried me. Was she okay?

“Kim Jungeun.” The principal finally said her name and she stood, moving to take her diploma as she forced a smile.

I shot out of my seat and cheered so loud my throat already started to hurt, but I couldn’t care less. I physically tugged Sooyoung to her feet along with me and she didn’t much protest, raising her arms and yelling and clapping. Our group’s response to Jungeun was probably the most intense one that any kid up there got, and a few audience members even turned to look at us in surprise. Yeojin was jumping up and down as well as having stood, almost knocking her chair over but Haseul barely managed to catch it. My eyes scanned the crowd for a second and I spotted her parents. They were glaring at us, seeming exceptionally bitter, and it took everything in me to not glare right back at them. It only made me cheer harder.

Jungeun couldn’t help but look at all of us and her smile finally didn’t seem forced. It was genuine, slightly embarrassed because of what a scene we were making, and so adorable. Her dimples showed and the color on her cheeks got a bit more intense.

For some reason as she took her diploma and shook her principal’s hand, I almost felt myself tearing up. I was proud of her. I was so so _proud_ of her, knowing how hard these years had been because of her parents, knowing how much she had to study and work just to get the slightest bit of acknowledgement from them, and even then it was usually just negative attention. She was so smart and she deserved so much praise and recognition, but her parents didn’t give her any. My pride was swelling up in my chest, I was so happy for her and for how far she’d come all on her own, lacking the same support that most of the other kids on that stage had probably gotten unconditionally. 

If anything, this group of girls and I were more her family than her actual parents. And although she should have that support, although she deserved it, if she couldn’t get it from them then we were more than happy to give it to her.

She sat back down, smiling like a dope to herself still, laughing slightly since all of us were still standing and cheering. Hyunjin tried to make Heejin sit back down but she was having none of it. Haseul eventually managed to calm Yeojin and tug her back into her chair. I was the last one on my feet after everyone else had sat, and Jungeun just... stared at me in this way that showed so much. It showed her appreciation, how much she cared about me, how happy she was just because I was there. I raised up two finger hearts at her and she subtly shot one back at me. Even from the distance, her eyes seemed glossy.

Half an hour or so later, all of the names had been called and the crowd was allowed to cheer and clap one last time. The gym erupted in applause as the students all got to their feet and went into the audience, flocking to their families. My heart got caught in my throat as I saw Jungeun’s parents immediately rushing toward their daughter. Was I not going to get to see her?  
  


Sooyoung gently grasped my hand and started to tug me into the crowd, “C’mon, lets go see Jiwoo!” I let her pull me along, being brushed past by a bunch of different strangers, but did my best to express my concern to her.

“I want to find Jungeun.” I muttered, searching desperately through this sea of people to catch a flash of blonde or a glimpse of her gorgeous face.

Sooyoung raised an eyebrow, “Think her parents will let you? They’re probably already out of this gym.”

She was right. Damn it, I hated how right she was about everything.

The group finally bumped into Jiwoo and I smiled at her, telling her congratulations, though I was intensely distracted by the thought of Jungeun getting dragged out of the gym against her will before I got to see her. Jiwoo saw Sooyoung and her face lit up, although she looked sort of confused.

I was only half paying attention, but I definitely heard her say, “You came...?” The words more of a question than a statement.

Sooyoung nodded and released her grip on me to instead throw her arms around the girl, who only seemed to be even more overwhelmed by the gesture, “I came.” After a second or two, the younger girl finally responded to the embrace and hugged Sooyoung tightly, shutting her eyes and smiling like crazy. I still had so many questions but now really wasn’t the time to ask.

I quickly spun to face the two exits on the other side of the room, frustrated when I still couldn’t see a thing because of the sea of people. My chest was getting tighter and tighter - I just needed to see her. I needed to talk to her, comfort her, hug her at _least._ Desperate, I actually pulled a nearby chair to me and stood on top of it for a better vantage point.

Haseul gently grabbed my leg, “Jinsol be careful! These chairs aren’t sturdy, you’re gonna fall!” 

I waved dismissively at her, looking all over. There were only a few blonde girls in the whole grade, so it didn’t take long to spot them all. Finally, I saw her. Sooyoung had been right, her parents were pulling her toward the same door we’d come through, but they were getting temporarily held up by the density of the crowd all trying to leave through the exit.

Hopping off the chair and further concerning Haseul, I quickly parted the crowd and headed straight for her. I didn’t even care about being polite or accidentally bumping into people, just forcing my way through, needing to get to her, needing to see her. I still loosely held the bouquet in one of my hands and I was going to give it to her, even if her parents threw it in the garbage. She deserved a present and her parents hadn’t given her a single thing. They were red roses, which was pretty romantic, so hopefully they didn’t get extra mad because of that.

After getting quite a few dirty looks from people I literally shoved aside, I saw her again. Her back was turned at first, but she briefly managed to shake her father’s grip off of her arm just as she turned around, spotting me. Her expression lit up, smiling so broadly for just an instant before seeming to remember where she was and who was right over her shoulder. Thankfully her parents were distracted, caught up talking to someone in the crowd they knew from somewhere. Jungeun noticed and realized her chance, surging closer to me, clasping both of my hands so tightly it nearly hurt.

Her time was short and she knew that, you could hear her urgency in her hushed voice, “Meet me in the bathroom, first floor.”

I nodded, making sure to shove the bouquet into her slightly trembling fingers, “I got you these.”  
  


She took them, staring down at the petals before looking back at me with glossy eyes. My heart was beating so fast, feeling my own composure thinning from how overcome she seemed just from such a small gesture, “Stop, I’m gonna cry.”

I smiled sweetly at her, daring to move slightly closer, “Don’t cry, it’s okay.” She took a deliberate step back, glancing over her shoulder. Her parents were wrapping up their conversation. The crowd was thinning out and filtering more through the door into the halls. We didn’t have any more time, “Bathroom, first floor?” I confirmed and she nodded firmly, releasing her grip on me and returning to her parents completely. I sidestepped behind another person just as her mother started to turn around, not wanting either of them to see me. They honestly scared me, despite all of my tough talk about wanting to tell them off or beat them up.

Her father’s harsh looking grip returned to her arm in full force as their dysfunctional family finally pushed their way out of the gym and into the hall. The crowd was starting to thin.

Haseul caught up to me with Yeojin biting at her heels, “Hey! Is everything alright? Why’d you run off like that?” Her mom-concern was showing.

I didn’t know how much time I had before Jungeun was really forced to leave. How long could she wait in that bathroom until her mom barged in and dragged her out?

“I’ve gotta go, can you ask the others if we can all meet out front of the school again in like ten minutes?” I was already stepping toward the exit before she even had a chance to answer.

“Uh, yeah sure, where are you going though??” She raised her voice to be heard over the ambient hum of chatter still in the gym. I didn’t bother to answer, knowing she might try to follow me and not wanting to seem obvious in case this had to be a stealthy thing. Haseul wasn’t the best at being sneaky.

The halls weren’t nearly as empty anymore, but everyone seemed to be making a beeline to leave the building - not really branching off from that path at all. I wasn’t sure where the bathroom was exactly and was silently grateful when I spotted a small sign on the wall, pointing me in the right direction.

I started to worry as I headed for it. Was this the only bathroom on the whole floor? This school was huge, that couldn’t be right. I turned the corner and finally found it, heading inside. All the stalls were empty and the lights had even been off, only flicking on when I’d entered from the motion activation. Had I gone to the wrong place? Had I misheard her? I started to pace and fret, instinctively tugging my phone from my pocket as if to text her and ask, before remembering I couldn’t.

I heard movement and footsteps coming from the hall and my heart leapt into my throat, pausing mid-step to listen more closely. There were voices but they were muffled. I couldn’t tell them apart or actually understand what they were saying but it sorta sounded like three different people.

Then a single pair of light footsteps started to actually head into the bathroom. I stiffened, feeling for some reason like I was in an off limits area and if I got caught I’d get in trouble.

Jungeun cautiously inched around the corner, her expression wary and alert, but it changed drastically once we actually saw one another.

In the next second she’d rushed forward and thrown her arms around me, her grip so tight and constricting it almost knocked the wind out of me. I hugged her back harder, my chest feeling so impossibly light. Sometimes I’d forget just how happy she could make me with such a simple gesture. For what felt like forever, neither of us said a word. We just held on, feeling so content to be with each other like this. 

She was trembling and I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted it to stop. I wanted her to be happy - to be as elated as all those other kids had been on stage when they got their diplomas, to feel validated and like all her work meant something because it _did_.

“I’m proud of you,” I told her softly, making sure to say it right in her ear so she clearly heard every word, “I’m so so proud of you.” Her shoulders started to shake harder at the words but she wasn’t crying, not from what I could tell. I think she was just overwhelmed. I gently ran my hand up and down her back and she started to steady, “You’re _so_ smart, and you worked _so_ hard, and it _shows._ ”

“Jungeun?? Are you almost done in there?” I heard her father’s angry, deep voice come from the hall and I felt her stiffen.

She pulled back and her eyes were glossy, lowering her voice into a weak whisper, “Thank you. God, I didn’t know how much I needed that.” She smiled ever so slightly at me, and although it wasn’t much, it was a real one. Not forced like before. She sniffled, wiping slightly at the corner of her eye before any tears had a chance to fall, and I reached up to place my hand on her cheek. She leaned into the contact, shutting her eyes, “We’ll be able to see each other soon. My sister comes home tonight, and then they’ll be paying her all the attention. I’m gonna unblock your number and text you okay?” She sounded scared, but also ready. I was ready too.

“Okay. Just please be careful,” I told her softly, almost feeling like that plan was too risky to be smart, but knowing that trying to dissuade her would be pointless because of the determination I could see so clearly behind her eyes. She nodded firmly but I was still so worried about her. When wasn’t I?

Every second counted. We both knew that, which was the only reason why we cut it so close.

Just as we could hear someone else coming in, likely to physically drag Jungeun out of the bathroom, she leaned closer, gave me a quick, mind-numbing kiss, and rushed outside without another word. One of the flower petals from the bouquet I’d given her had fallen to the floor, and I stared at it, mind wandering and running rampant with fears.

Everything felt like it was reaching some sort of tipping point, like we could only keep this up for so much longer before something had to give. I was just so worried about what was going to happen once all of this blew up - what was going to change, what was going to be left, where she would wind up, where I would wind up, where _we_ would wind up.

She was going through the same thing, and even more, I knew that.

Regardless of everything, regardless of my own fears and my own paranoia about how bad the future could potentially get, all I knew for sure and all that I could control was that I would be there for her. No matter what happened, I would be there for her as best as I could.

***

“You really don’t have to leave.” I tried for the tenth time to insist to Sooyoung as she slung her backpack over her shoulder and started to head to the door.

She looked at me smugly, seeming thoroughly unconvinced, “Um, yeah okay, Jungeun’s coming over and you two haven’t had any real alone time together since... you know.” My face turned red and she wiggled her eyebrows at me. That was unappreciated, “I’ll give you two some privacy. No need to thank me!”

God she was being so extra. We weren’t going to do anything, Jungeun and I had strictly planned for this whole hangout to just be allotted for a really serious conversation that we needed to have: what we were going to do about her situation. At first, we’d known it wasn’t the best, but she seemed to be able to live with it, but then it only seemed to get impossibly worse and worse as time went on. It wasn’t improving. The resentment her parents had for her only seemed to grow as the days slowly passed. She’d told me it was the worst it had ever been and that being in her own house felt like she was “wading through toxic waste” for the entire day. Nobody should have to suffer through living in an environment like that.

“Where are you even going?” I asked her, trying to pry. She’d already opened the door a crack, but paused mid-motion at the question. She turned to respond, but I decided to throw a curveball at her that may be enough to stop her in her tracks, “Got a date with your girlfriend?” She flinched at the word like it was the most vulgar swear she’d ever heard and shut the door. I knew I’d get a reaction out of her but I hadn’t anticipated the extent of it.

Her face fell and she pursed her lips for a second, “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

I glared playfully at her, crossing my arms, “I don’t get why you keep pretending.”

She remained adamant but I really didn’t see the point in her denial, “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

I rolled my eyes, wishing she’d just be straight up with me for once instead of skirting around everything as if I really didn’t know, “Jiwoo. Kim Jiwoo. The girl you’re absolutely whipped for.”

Her cheeks lit with a blush and I visibly struck a nerve. If anything she was getting defensive. Why was she so defensive about this? She usually was fine with this sort of banter and played right along, but she wasn’t having any of it this time. Again, I just didn’t understand, but I so wanted to. Jungeun was on her way there. I hoped more than anything that she didn’t walk in right as Sooyoung was about to finally give me even the slightest bit of information.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” She insisted, not even the slightest hint of sarcasm or uncertainty in her tone. This was so weird and confusing. The way she’d acted at graduation had been the most flustered and emotional I’d ever seen her get over this whole year. Jiwoo had turned her into a mess and she hadn’t even done anything besides smile. If that wasn’t at the very least a crush, I didn’t know what was.

I pursed my lips, eyes narrowing as I desperately tried to get a read on her, “I saw how you were looking at her at graduation. You aren’t as subtle as you thi--”

“--I don’t _do_ that.” She snapped slightly at me, actually seeming sort of angry. Whoa. Yeah, I’d _definitely_ struck a nerve I hadn’t known was there.

Okay I needed to take a step back because I’d crossed some sort of line, and hadn’t at all intended for this to turn into a fight, “Um... I--? Don’t do what?”

Her hand was still on the doorknob and I saw her clench it tightly with white knuckles, “ _That_. Relationships, ‘girlfriends,’ I don’t do that.” She wouldn’t look at me anymore and she was getting really distant. Her voice was detached, like it wasn’t even hers.

I didn’t know what to think about all this. She sounded so... honest? Or did she? Was that really the truth, or was it some weird sort of coping mechanism? Was she hiding something still? It felt like she was. Like she was keeping something important from me, like she just couldn’t bring herself to be vulnerable enough to talk about it. It was so frustrating for selfish and selfless reasons: I wanted to know because of my own curiosity, but I also felt like something was wrong that she also was leaving unaddressed and it worried me. Maybe there was some sort of drama with Jiwoo that she didn’t want to get into? But Sooyoung loved drama, why wouldn’t she have relayed it all to me as soon as it had happened? None of this was adding up.

“Sooyoung...” I made my voice soft and gentle, so that if she really wanted to, if she was serious about avoiding this topic at all costs, she could brush it off again despite how badly I wanted to know, “Why are you so scared of being with someone...?”

She glared slightly at me, shaking her head back and forth as she shifted her weight from foot to foot, “I’m not ‘scared,’ god. It’s just a preference. Who cares, anyway?” She tried to make it so flippant. Like it didn’t matter in the slightest.

“Jiwoo.”

Her face fell. She hadn’t expected me to say that. It caught her off guard and it took a second or two for her forced go-lucky expression to come back to her, “What? You don’t even know her.” The spite behind her words had faded and now everything she said just sounded hollow, like it lacked any and all real substance.

That was a semi-fair counterpoint. It was true, I didn’t know Jiwoo that well. In fact, the only real interaction we ever had was about Sooyoung.

I took a deep breath, wondering if I should really even say what I was about to say - if it was my place or if I was totally out of line again and sticking my nose where it didn’t really belong, “She thinks you’re using her.” That had a lot of impact. I saw it physically affect her, making her take a slight step back, like it actually hit her.

She scoffed, “What?” She shrugged but was blinking faster than normal now, “I dunno why she’d think that. She knows what we are.”

“Does she?” I asked, not letting her get away with this without my pressuring, trying to be devil’s advocate although I definitely wasn’t used to being so firm and harsh with her. I’d never had to be. That was usually her job, and this role reversal was very surreal.

Sooyoung’s lips parted to respond, but then she seemed to change her mind. Her brow furrowed and she closed her mouth, just staring at me. I’d made her think about things she definitely hadn’t anticipated thinking about. Even if that was all she left this conversation with, if all I’d managed to do was get her to second guess some of these things, that was enough. It really didn’t seem like she and Jiwoo were on the same page with whatever was going on, and although I genuinely didn’t know much about their relationship (or lack thereof), I could infer things.

Right when she seemed to decide on a response, there was a knock on the door. Jungeun was there. Sooyoung instantly took the chance to escape the conversation and tugged on the knob she still clasped in her hand, revealing my gorgeous girlfriend standing in the hallway.

She smiled as soon as she saw me and I couldn’t help but smile back, despite my mind lingering heavily on that unanticipated low key confrontation I’d just had with Sooyoung. She opened the door wider, letting Jungeun rush in and wrap me in her arms on instinct. I hugged her back, breathing her in, but I made sure to shoot a glance at Sooyoung to try and convey something to her, anything. Her face was blank. She gave me the slightest semblance of a wave before heading out the door and shutting it just a bit harder than necessary behind her.

Jungeun pulled back, her hands moving to cup my jaw as she pulled my face to hers, planting a lingering kiss on my lips. It instantly took my breath away, and I encircled my arms around her waist, getting lost in her so effortlessly it sometimes caught me off guard. I couldn’t bring myself to break away, so it was up to her, and all I could do was hope she was more responsible than I was and remembered we had something to talk about. We couldn’t just spend the whole time making out, despite how much we probably both wanted to.

Thankfully she came to her senses before I could and broke the kiss, taking a deep, shaky breath and chuckling adorably at me, blushing like a dope, “Sorry.”

I kissed the tip of her nose and her blush only got worse, “Don’t you _dare_ apologize for kissing me, ever.” She hid her face in my shoulder, embarrassed at how much of a mess she was, “That is _not_ allowed.”

She took a physical step away, barely able to loosen my grip enough for her to actually move from me, “Okay, stay this far from me,” She held out her arm so that we were exactly arms-length apart, “Or I won’t be able to talk to you.”

I scoffed lightly, lowering my voice a bit just to push her buttons, “You really think that’s enough to keep me away?”

Her blush spread to her neck and she glared at me, “Stop that, oh my god, stop right now,” She held her hand up. I playfully took a step closer and she took a step back, “Jung Jinsol, I swear to god, we need to talk!” I took another step, “ _Do not!_ ” She laughed lightly, but her eyes were getting dark and a familiar fire was flickering behind them. She was serious, we couldn’t get any closer if we wanted to have this conversation.

Raising my hands in defense, I took a step away, and the denseness the air had thinned out slightly, “You’re right, okay, uh,” I gestured awkwardly toward the bed, knowing we needed a place to sit. She understood the weird little motion I made and went to move, sitting by the headboard while I sat toward the foot of it. There was just enough distance for us to function properly, but the fact that we were literally on a bed wasn’t helping much of anything.

Jungeun pulled her legs up against her chest, resting her head on her knees and tilting it slightly to look at me, “If we don’t start talking I’m just gonna sit here and stare at you for like, three hours.”

I nodded, realizing that she was more or less asking me to take charge of this, “Okay... so... um, I guess, to start...” I couldn’t help but smile just because she was there, because she was with me, but what we were going to start talking about was going to be rough and imply big changes. Regardless, it needed to happen and we both knew that, “...if you could do anything - without thinking about your parents, or your situation right now - what would you do as a job?”

She frowned and her eyes got distant, looking away from me as she let her mind wander. It took her a while to think of an answer but I gave her as much time as she needed, knowing that this was going to be much harder for her than it was for me and that I needed to be as patient and comforting as possible.

She took a deep breath, her fingers tracing absentmindedly along my sheets. It really seemed like she didn’t plan on matching my gaze again any time soon, “Honestly? I just really wanna do makeup.” I didn’t so much as flinch at the response because I’d partially expected it, but it was as if her automatic instinct was to try and justify herself to me when she absolutely didn’t need to, “And I know that’s like, a hard career to really get into, but I think maybe I could do it because we live in a city like this, and there’s a ton of people who need professional makeup done, a-and it’s like, I mean, I’m not that great at makeup right now but there’s a ton of schools all over that I might be able to go to and--”

“--Jungeun,” I spoke up firmly, stopping her unnecessary though unintentionally adorable tangent. She stopped, pursing her lips slightly as a blush crept to her cheeks again, seeming to realize how extra she had been, “You don’t need to explain yourself. If you want to do makeup, you want to do makeup, and you should.”

She sighed lightly, her shoulders visibly relaxing at my reassurance, “Yeah, yeah... you’re right. You’re totally right, I just... it’s weird, I have this... thing that’s just stuck in me that makes me think I have to preface everything I say about my future.”

I nodded, totally understanding. I scooted slightly closer on the bed and she shot me a playful look of warning, but there was a sadness behind her eyes that sent me back to the time she used to be vague about how badly her parents hurt her, “It’s because your parents act like you don’t know what’s the best for _you_. You’re used to being interrogated instead of having a conversation.”

She smiled bitterly, shaking her head back and forth, as she blinked a bit faster than normal, “I’m... I mean, like... yeah. So...” She sniffled, rubbing briefly at her eyes with a closed fist, still not looking at me as she was immersed in her own thoughts, “Alright so... I guess I should go to cosmetology school then huh?” Actually saying that out loud like it was a feasible possibility seemed to really affect her. She’d presumably never done it before, never even allowed herself to consider that as a future she could have. The air shifted and her face fell slightly.

“Yeah,” I tried desperately to raise the energy back up, to hype her up, to validate her as much as I possibly could, “Yes, you definitely should!! You said there’s a ton of schools in the city, right? Have you been looking into it?” I scooted closer, feeling drawn to her. The sunlight coming in through my window made her impossibly clear skin seem like it was glowing. That time she was too distracted to notice the movement so she didn’t shoot me any sort of looks.

She pushed some of her hair back and off her face, a motion that almost made me pin her to the bed and kiss her until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I gripped onto the sheets with my fists, holding myself in place, “A little bit.” She finally looked back up and we made eye contact for the first time. There was so much there, so much depth and meaning and different feelings being conveyed that I got overwhelmed for a few seconds, “It’s not cheap.”

“Well, yeah,” My tone was a bit more sassy than I’d intended it to be, so I quickly corrected it, “Any sort of school is gonna cost way more than it should...” I trailed off when I saw the look on her face, the worry and dismay, and it only took a few extra seconds for me to catch on, “Oh. Right. Your parents won’t help.” I didn’t even bother asking if there was a chance of them contributing because I already knew the answer. Of course they wouldn’t.

She nodded, “I have some money saved up but not nearly enough...” She sneered for a second, presumably at a memory, “Once they literally told me that if I wasn’t going to school for law or medicine, they wouldn’t lift a finger to help me pay for it.” Her eyes were getting glossy again. Even though she acted so strong and _was_ so strong, I knew that if she ever really started to talk about how poorly they treated her, how they acted like she was such a burden and disappointment, that it got to her. She liked to pretend it didn’t but she’d stopped hiding from me a long time ago.

I couldn’t help but glare slightly, that familiar anger building up in me although it had absolutely nowhere to go. That was the other thing that we needed to talk about, and honestly I thought it took way more priority than the whole future job thing, I was just cautious to bring it up for fear of stressing her out. Now my frustration at my inability to help and at the situation she was still trapped in pushed the words from me without another second of consideration.

“You need to get out of there.” Neither of us anticipated how angry I’d actually sound. It caught her off guard. I’d expressed a lot of different emotions about her situation and how her parents treated her, but I don’t think I ever really let her see how mad it made me. Her eyes returned to me after having wandered for a second or two.

Her expression was strangely blank, “I know.” She shifted where she sat, moving to cross her legs and tug her phone from the pocket of her adorably baggy hoodie, “And... I have a bit of an idea.”

My ears pricked up and I scooted closer, not trying to be subtle about it this time because I just wanted to be near her. She didn’t flinch, instead actually scooting slightly to the side and patting the bed next to her. I instantly moved there, wrapping my arm around her waist and tugging her against me as I looked at her phone screen. It was a contact with a number, and her thumb hovered over the call button. She was shaking slightly.

“Who’s that?” I asked softly, my head starting to swim because of our new close proximity.

She sighed deeply, shutting her eyes for a moment and leaning into my embrace, “My aunt.”

“Aunt?” She’d never mentioned an aunt before, “I thought you said you didn’t really have any extended family?”

Her body was all stiff as stone in my grasp, but I knew it was from the topic we were discussing, not me, “That’s... not necessarily true. My mom had an older sister by a few years, and I used to be really close with her and my cousin - her son. She was like how a mom was supposed to be, and he and I always had a ton of fun.” Her voice got weak at that last sentence and I tightened my grip on her, “But... she and my parents had some sort of falling out, and I just didn’t see them anymore.” The hand that held her phone shook harder. I could tell she’d never talked about this before.

I tried to put myself in her shoes - tried to imagine what it would be like to be stuck in such a toxic, unaccepting, bitter environment whenever you were at home, and to sometimes catch glimpses into what a real family felt like, only to have that taken away too. It was almost worse than if she’d never known it at all. God, I felt for her. I hated trying to picture this and how much she was forced to go through because of her stupid parents. 

“How long ago was that...?” I asked cautiously, a bit nervous to pry. I could tell her composure was thinning and I didn’t want her to second guess making this call.

She sniffled slightly, “Like, five years back.”

_Five years??_ I exclaimed to myself in my head, startled. I wasn’t sure what I thought the timeline was, but I hadn’t thought it’d been that long, “Where’d you get her number from?”

She sighed lightly, “I found her on Facebook and asked for it. I said I’d call so we could catch up, but that’s not really what I’m gonna be calling for...” She left me to fill in the blank, and although I’m dumb sometimes, I eventually managed.

“You think she’ll let you live with her??” I was pretty surprised again. All of this was just so new - I didn’t even know she had an aunt, let alone an aunt who was potentially nice enough to save her from her trash parents. Part of me wondered why she hadn’t considered this a possibility sooner. Maybe she’d waited to see if the situation would improve at all on its own, or this had been in the back of her mind as a total last resort? Now wasn’t really the time to ask, but I couldn’t help but wonder.

She flinched at the question and I hadn’t at all meant to discount or dismiss her plan, it just caught me off guard, “I-I mean, I dunno, she used to really like me...”

I jumped to reassure her, as per usual, “No, no, I think this is a great idea, I just didn’t even know this was an option!” My excitement crept slightly into my voice, and although I definitely didn’t want to get my hopes up in case this fell through, I couldn’t really help it. Both of us were so desperate for some light, for anything that could even slightly be interpreted as good news. We needed it.

Her thumb flinched, inching closer to her screen to initiate the call, “I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be,” I muttered, resting my head on her shoulder, “I’ll be right here the whole time.” I moved my other arm to fully hug her torso. The contact actually made her body relax ever so slightly, though she still shuddered every now and then.

She took a deep breath in and finally forced her thumb forward on her dragging exhale, putting the phone on speaker instead of bringing it to her ear. I was silently thankful, secretly wanting to hear every second of the conversation that was about to ensue.

The phone rang once. Twice. Three times. I couldn’t control the way that my grip tightened with each one, I was so worried she wouldn’t pick up and that we’d be left in this dreadful suspense for even longer. If this didn’t work out, we needed to come up with another solution, and we had such a short time frame. I was literally moving back home in two days. I had more than half of my room already packed up into suitcases and my parents had already bought me my train ticket, but a part of me knew that this time, if Jungeun didn’t find an answer and was stranded in this god awful toxic situation, I wouldn’t go home until I knew for sure she was in a better position. Sure I’d probably get some backlash from my parents, but they trusted me enough to buy a lie if I made it sufficiently convincing. And Jungeun was my top priority.

My unanticipated mental tangent was cut short when the ringing stopped. A voice with a mature sounding lilt came through the speaker and filled the room, “Hello?”

Jungeun had an immediate reaction to actually hearing this woman’s voice again, and she blinked rapidly for a few seconds as she spoke up, her words trembling ever so slightly right along with her hands, “Um, hi! Aunt Minseo? It’s Jungeun.” She already had an incredibly cute timid smile on her face, though seeming more than ready to let it slide right off at the first sign of something being off.

Her worry seemed to be misplaced, though, based solely off of this woman’s reaction to finding out who’d called, “Oh! Jungeun, of course! My goodness, how are you sweetheart? It’s been so long!” The sweetness of her tone reminded me instantly of how my own mom was with me, and it actually made me homesick. I felt my heart wrench as I realized that Jungeun never had anything like this. Never, her whole life.

Her smile broadened, getting more genuine, although her hands didn’t stop trembling for even a second, “Yeah, it’s been way too long...” Her lip started to quiver and I saw her already starting to lose it, when we hadn’t even started to get into the hard things, “I’ve missed you a lot.” Her voice broke. I turned my head slightly to lightly brush my lips against her neck, as if to remind her I was there, that I was with her, that I wasn’t going anywhere and that I never would.

There was a silence on the other end. I think Jungeun’s sudden sentimentality caught Minseo off guard, and for a few lingering seconds I was left totally hanging in suspense, “Oh honey, I’ve missed you too. Have you graduated yet?” I think that was her attempt at slightly changing the topic, probably having heard in Jungeun’s voice how emotional she’d gotten and not wanting her to get too upset if she didn’t have to.

Jungeun reached toward me with her free hand and rested it against my knee, pulling me slightly closer, “Yeah, um, just a few days ago... I wish you could’ve been there.” That would’ve been nice. For Jungeun to actually have someone there, from her family, who I could already tell genuinely supported and cared about her, just from this brief interaction.

Her response was immediate that time, “That would’ve been so lovely. I’d been calling your mother for weeks - wanting to know the date and time so I could get time off work, but she never answered.”

I could practically hear Jungeun’s heart break. Her grip on the phone tightened again, “What...? Why wouldn’t she tell you?” There was an anger tinging her words that I’d never heard before. Her hand that’d been resting on me clenched into a fist. I was getting mad right along with her. Minseo had tried to come, had _wanted_ to come, but Jungeun’s mom hadn’t let her? Hadn’t told her? How cruel did one person have to be until they were classified as a super villain?

Minseo sighed, “It’s... complicated.”

I’d expected Jungeun to back off slightly, to get scared off by the way Minseo had sort of dismissed the subject, but she only pushed harder, pried even more, “Is it because of that fight you guys got in?”

There was another pause. Minseo definitely hadn’t anticipated that, and I was right there with her, though I clung to every single word either of them spoke, knowing that a lot was riding on this - a lot more than Minseo knew, “You remember that?”

Jungeun nodded, as if Minseo could see that somehow, “Of course,” She muttered under her breath, her lips parted as she seemed to be carefully considering whatever her next words would be, “Everything changed for me after that.” Her voice got distant. I could tell it was hard for her to talk about, that it was hard for her to even think about, and I felt so proud of her again, for going through so much and coming out of it so strong.

I heard a vague _tsk-_ ing sound come from the other end. Haseul did that a lot, too, “Listen, Jungeun, I’m assuming your parents never told you what that fight was about?” She spoke slowly and softly, her tone impossibly comforting. I felt the stiffness in Jungeun’s body totally draining from her and I relaxed right along with her.

“No. They don’t tell me anything.” Jungeun answered, bitterness just dripping from her words.

“Well, let me just think... you were around thirteen back then, right?”

“Yeah.” Jungeun’s voice was getting weak again.

That was so young. I hated thinking that Jungeun was already dealing with the awfulness of her parents when she was that young. The only comfort I had was assuming that she’d already had a strong circle of friends to seek refuge in. And although there was literally no other way for me to have met Jungeun before I’d moved to the city, I wish I’d somehow known her sooner, so I could’ve helped her somehow.

Minseo hummed thoughtfully, “That was when they started being so hard on you.” She didn’t pose that sentence as a question like the last one, instead just stating it with a sadness to her tone I hadn’t expected.

Jungeun’s breathing was getting shaky and I understood why but wasn’t sure what to do. Her aunt, the only member of her family who’d ever really treated her with any sort of love or support, was finally validating her. Validating that her parents treatment of her was wrong, or at the very least that it wasn’t normal. Hell, I hadn’t even been the one who lived in that situation for years and years, but I felt validated too.

Her eyes started to well up with tears that clung precariously to her eyelashes, “Yeah...” The confirmation was nothing more than a very slight, vague whisper. I reached up and gently brushed my hand against her cheek. Her eyes flitted to me and she edged closer, wanting more contact. The hand that had previously been on my knee moved to snake behind my back, slipping slightly under my shirt to rest on my bare skin. It wasn’t anything... like that, I knew it was just because she wanted to be closer. Her skin was cold for some reason, and mine instantly warmed from the feeling of her fingers brushing idly against my spine. 

Minseo took a deep breath, as if talking about this was affecting her as well, “I noticed, and it only seemed to be getting worse...” Jungeun’s lip started to quiver again. She shut her eyes, trying to keep it back, “So I confronted your mother. I told her that she needed to treat you better, like they always treated your sister, and she lashed out at me.” Jungeun’s jaw had slightly dropped open once she heard the real reason behind the separation, behind the fight. I was stunned too, but held it in, “You father didn’t appreciate my comments either. If I remember right, he told me to ‘keep my nose where it belonged: out of their business and their parenting...’” She cleared her throat lightly, “After that, I wasn’t invited over anymore. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to come, or that I didn’t want to see you, trust me. I hope you never thought so.”

“I didn’t,” Jungeun reassured her instantly, “Not even for a second.” Her voice broke again and a tear finally rolled slowly down her face. I wiped it away as quickly as I could, her cheeks warming slightly from the gesture and her own vulnerability.

“I’m glad. I never stopped thinking about you, or about what you may be going through, you know.” Another tear fell. I tried to wipe that one away too, but it just kept getting replaced by more. I sighed lightly, moving up to gently kiss her temple. She barely even seemed to register it, too immersed in the conversation, which was totally understandable, “Wooseok asks about you pretty often, and I’m never sure what to tell him.” I assumed that was the cousin she’d mentioned earlier.

“It got worse,” Jungeun blurted out, almost seeming startled at herself from how suddenly that confession had left her. Minseo didn’t say anything for a while, and as the silence got longer, the closer Jungeun seemed to get to breaking down, “Auntie, i-it got _so_ much worse a-and now it’s the worst it’s ever been...” The way she referred to Minseo was so pure and sweet, definitely a way she’d talked to her back when her life had been simpler. Easier. I could practically hear the nostalgia it was rooted in.

I held onto Jungeun tighter as she got nearer to totally breaking down, trying to steady her, but it didn’t seem to do much of anything, “Oh, you poor dear...” The way she said that seemed to push Jungeun further over the edge and she let out her first real sob, though it was muffled before Minseo could hear by a hand that she put over her mouth. I pulled her closer, impossibly closer, wishing more than anything that she didn’t have to relive all this, “I want you to know that your mother has always been like this. It has nothing to do with you. There’s nothing wrong with you, there never has been.”

Jungeun shook her head back and forth, the hand that rested on my back digging slightly into my skin with sharp nails, “That’s not true. They’ve never been like this to Ara. Only with me.” Ara was her sister’s name, she’d mentioned it a few times before but I never wound up meeting her since she’d always been away at school.

Minseo didn’t seem sure to know what to say to that. I wouldn’t have either, if I’d been in her position, “...Your mother got older. Her patience ran out. I don’t think she ever really wanted to have children, your father pressured her.”

Jungeun scoffed bitterly, tears still steadily streaming down her cheeks, “He didn’t want kids either. God, if you heard some of the things he’s said to me...”

Minseo sighed, “I never liked him. Such a sad, hateful man. A perfect match for your mother.” Wow, I was _living_ for Minseo throwing shade at Jungeun’s parents. If Jungeun hadn’t been so upset, I was sure she would’ve gotten a kick out of that too.

Jungeun sniffled, reaching up and frantically wiping her tears away with the hand that’d previously been against my back, “Um, Auntie, I-I have to tell you something, a-and then I want to ask you something.”

“Of course sweetheart, whatever you’d like.” Minseo told her softly.

Jungeun’s hand moved again, reaching to wrap her arm around me and tug me against her, and although I already more or less knew what she was going to say, I was nervous. My stomach was tying itself into knots. So much was dependent on her response. I clung harder to Jungeun, my heart in my throat, trying to reassure myself in my own head that this wouldn’t be the end of the world if it didn’t end well. We could find something else. We’d still have each other. But _God_ I was just _sick_ of things not going our way. Was it really too much to ask for even the slightest bit of a break?  
  


Jungeun cleared her throat, trying to steady her strained voice, “Okay, well, first... um, recently, uh, this year, my um... I...” It was hard to say. Hard to force out. I had a feeling I’d go through an almost identical situation when I finally tried to come out to my parents, whenever I actually worked up the nerve to. I think she changed the way she wanted to word it in an attempt to make it easier to say, “I got a uh, a... a girlfriend.” She shut her eyes tightly, bracing for some sort of impact - bracing for rejection, disgust, or hatred.

She didn’t get any, though.

“Oh?” If anything, she just sounded slightly surprised. Not disappointed or upset, simply startled, “That’s nice! Is she pretty?”

I felt myself blushing at the sincerity behind the question. Jungeun was going into some sort of shock, not letting herself even accept the possibility of this going so well, “What...?” Her tears had stopped from the extent of her surprise.

Minseo didn’t miss a beat, “Your girlfriend, is she pretty?”

Jungeun blinked hard, her brow furrowing in confusion as she tried to process what was going on. Meanwhile I was smiling like a dope, a weight from my shoulders I hadn’t realized was there starting to lift with every passing second, “My...?” It finally seemed to be clicking, at least slightly, “Um, yeah. Yes, she’s uh, really really pretty.” I buried my face into her neck, getting all blushy and dumb, as per usual whenever she complimented me.

“Well that’s great news, honey! I’d love to meet her some day.” She was being so casual about it. Like she’d mentioned she’d just gotten a haircut or something, not come out of the closet. We were both experiencing different levels of denial, but Jungeun was in way deeper than I was, “What was it you had to ask me?”

We’d both practically forgotten about that part - the most significant aspect of this whole phone call: actually getting Jungeun out of her house and to somewhere safe. Somewhere pleasant and accepting where she wasn’t treated like a prisoner or an irredeemable delinquent.

Jungeun looked at me, straight into my eyes, for the first time in a while. They still glistened with tears so intensely I could practically see my reflection in them. She leaned closer and rested her forehead against mine, mouthing briefly to me, “We’ll be okay,” at a volume just barely loud enough for me to hear, before finally turning back to her phone and asking that fateful question.

“Um, so... Aunt Minseo, about my girlfriend...” She pursed her lips for a few seconds and I could tell how scared she was to ask, how terrified and nervous, despite how well she’d reacted to the whole gay thing. Asking to essentially move in with someone was making an awful lot of assumptions, and asking for a lot of goodwill. More than anything I wished that I could somehow take this burden from her, that I could be the one to ask, but that wasn’t realistic.

Jungeun composed herself as best as she could manage before she continued, “I told my parents about her.”

Before Jungeun even had to specify how _that_ went, Minseo inferred it perfectly, “Oh no...”

“Yeah, um...” What happened after Jungeun came out to her parents was probably the touchiest subject of all for her, understandably so. Imagine if your parents screamed at you and literally called you disgusting just for being who you were? How were you supposed to respond to that? What would that do to you? It broke Jungeun ever so slightly, or at the very least made a part of her weak and vulnerable that couldn’t be brought up for fear of her composure dwindling down to nothing, “It went about as well as you’d think...”

Minseo made that _tsk_ -ing sound again, “Sweetheart I am so so sorry. Some day soon we need to get together, I’d love to see you.” 

Jungeun nursed her lower lip between her teeth, a sign of nerves that unintentionally made me feel like I was melting, “Um, you see, that might be hard actually.” She was trying to naturally build up to the question instead of asking it outright. It was smart. She was smart.

“Why’s that?” Minseo asked innocently.

“Because...” Jungeun’s voice broke again and she stopped for a second, shutting her eyes to steady herself. Another tear left her, but only one, “After I told them, they... wouldn’t let me see anyone. Not my friends, not my girlfriend, I-I can only go to work and to school, and they track my phone to see wherever I go.” She laughed bitterly, seeming to be aware of the irony of the situation, “Hell, I’m not even supposed to be where I am right now. I’m breaking about twenty rules just by talking to you.”

Minseo paused for a moment, presumably taking all of that in. It was a lot.

What she said next threw the both of us for such a loop, it literally took our breath away.

“Jungeun, sweetie, I want you to come and live with me.” Her tone was deadset. She couldn’t have sounded more serious if she tried.

Jungeun’s eyes opened, her grip on her phone actually faltering for a second and it fell to the sheets. She picked it back up frantically, almost accidentally hanging up from all her fumbling, “U-uh, I’m sorry, what was that?” This time we were in the same boat. This couldn’t be real. We hadn’t even had a chance to ask her. Was she really offering this up all on her own? Was this really happening?

Minseo took an audible breath, “Hear me out, I know it sounds sort of crazy, but Wooseok just moved into his own apartment with his fiancé, so I’ve got an empty room here. From what you’ve told me, your parents are treating you... _so_ awfully, and honey I’m just worried sick about you. After hearing all this, there’s no way I could leave you to keep on living with them, that’d just be downright cruel, now wouldn’t it?” She said it like it was simple, self-explanatory. As if it was a given, like we should’ve automatically assumed this would’ve been the outcome. 

Jungeun and I were cautious. We didn’t want to get excited, we didn’t want to get our hopes up, but god, this seemed real. It did.

Jungeun was the first to clarify, both of our jaws having long since dropped open, “Are you being serious?” Happiness dared to start to creep into her voice and it was so lovely to hear her happy.

Minseo laughed airily, the sound somehow more reassuring than any sort of words could’ve been, “Yes! Oh this is just perfect, this house has felt so empty without Wooseok around. I’d love to have you.”

The tears were coming back and they were spreading to me too. But they were happy this time. _So_ happy. They fell, and they kept falling, but I didn’t bother trying to wipe them away because they were from elation. Relief. I smiled so wide it strained my cheeks, still a bit hesitant to believe it but also being so desperate for something good. Anything good, anything bright, and Minseo was finally offering that to us.

“Uh, I-I,” She let out a sob and Minseo must have heard it, “I’d love to come too! I really can’t even begin to tell you how much I would love to live with you, I-I,” She let out another sob, the sound of it, of her pure, unfiltered happiness making the tears finally start to stream down my own cheeks too, “I-I’m sorry, I’m just...”

“Honey don’t cry! You’re more than welcome to come here, as soon as you’re all packed up and ready.” She took a deep breath, “I’m sure there’ll be some backlash from your mother, but honestly?” She held us in suspense for a few dragging seconds, “I don’t much care.”

Jungeun laughed, such a light, fun, happy laugh, “I don’t care either!” I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her as tightly as I could, nuzzling my nose into her hair and almost tackling her to the bed. She clung to me with her free hand, the air around us getting this weird fuzziness that made me feel like everything was okay. Jungeun looked at me with this... warmth behind her eyes that just made my heart swell, “Actually, Auntie, my girlfriend is here with me! Say hi, this is Jinsol!”

That caught me off guard and I stuttered lightly, “Um, hi! Nice to meet you! Thank you so much!”

Minseo laughed right along with Jungeun, “Well hello! You should stop by when Jungeun comes to move in, I’d like to put a face to the name!”

I was absolutely beaming, and by that point Jungeun had moved to place dozens of fluttery, soft kisses along the side of my face and neck, so I was struggling to form even a single word, “U-uh, yeah! Yes! I’ll most definitely help her move in, she’s too scrawny to do it by herself.” She shoved me lightly and I just chuckled.

“Oh, I like you already!” I could hear the smile behind her words without having to see it, “But Jungeun honey, I’ve gotta run, you caught me right before an appointment.”

Jungeun pulled slightly away from me so her voice wouldn’t be muffled against my skin, “Of course, sorry to hold you up,” I entangled my fingers in her hair and started to idly play with the strands.

“Don’t you dare apologize! This was a lovely talk we just had, and I’m serious about wanting you to come by with your things as soon as you can. I’ll be home all afternoon tomorrow, if that would work for you? I’m sure you’ve got tons to pack, so if that’s not enough time we can--”

“--that’s plenty of time, as soon as I get home I’m gonna start packing,” Jungeun assured her. She couldn’t be any more eager to get the hell out of her house, so that wasn’t the issue here.

I could hear slight movement from over the phone. Minseo must have been getting ready to go, “Sounds like a plan to me! Now I’ve got something to look forward to tomorrow, huh?” Jungeun opened her mouth to respond but Minseo kept talking, “I’ve really got to leave now, sweetheart, but hang tight okay? I love you!”

“I love you too!” Jungeun made sure to emphasize right before Minseo hung up. Once the call ended, Jungeun let her phone fall to the sheets and the two of us just stared at one another, still just as shocked as ever.

She tackled me into a hug, squealing in glee as she pushed me over onto the bed, laughing and still sort of crying, happier than I’d ever seen her before. I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist, letting myself laugh right along with her as she started to mutter things into my ear.

“We’re okay,” She told me, over and over, “It’s okay, everything’s okay.” My heart was totally soaring. We could finally say that now. We didn’t have to use it as a hypothetical, or an empty promise, or a reassurance we’d tell each other just to stay sane. It was true.

We were okay.

***

The plan was more or less made after that call wrapped up. It wasn’t as self-explanatory as it seemed. Jungeun knew she had to leave soon - her parents would notice her being gone, or they’d track her phone and see where she was. She didn’t have much to pack, she explained - only really needing to bring “the essentials,” but it would still be a few trips up and down the stairs with the two of us.

Ideally, I didn’t want to have to go back into the house after loading the first batch of things into the car. She told me that if I really wanted that, we’d need a third person. The first name that came to mind was Haseul.

Haseul said yes, of course, wanting nothing more than to help.

I wanted to move Jungeun out when her parents weren’t home - when they were at work, so we could just gather her things, shove them in a car, and drive off like it was nothing, but she didn’t want to wait. It was the weekend. They were home for the weekend. I got why she didn’t want to spend a single second longer than was necessary in that god forsaken house, but I was just nervous.

Obviously her parents would notice their daughter lugging an abundance of suitcases and boxes down the stairs and bringing them outside. Obviously her parents would notice Haseul and I coming to help her with her things. Obviously they’d start to understand what was going on without us needing to say a single word, and obviously they were going to put up some sort of fight, or at the very least start yelling at us. Even though we were only making one trip, that was still plenty of time for them to lash out, and I knew for a fact I wasn’t as strong as Jungeun. I was so bad at dealing with anything that could even slightly resemble a genuine insult. I was really sensitive, and the last thing I wanted was to get all emotional and sad while trying to help Jungeun out during this pivotal moment of her life.

But it was her choice. It was up to her. And I’d do absolutely anything for her.

So I sat the next day, at around noon, in Haseul’s car parked right there in Jungeun’s driveway, hoping more than anything that her parents didn’t notice us and come out to question why we were there. Jungeun was supposed to text me when she was ready for us to come up. She was gonna come to the door, let us in, and the plan was to make a beeline straight up the stairs to her room, grab as much as we could carry, head back out the front door, and never come back. (“emphasis on never come back,” as Jungeun repeatedly made sure to tell me.) It was a solid plan. So why was my stomach in knots?

Haseul sighed lightly, checking her watch that I always made fun of her for wearing (who wears watches anymore?) before looking at me, “Do you think she really managed to pack up all of her things in like, less than 24 hours?”

I nodded, fiddling nervously with my fingers in an attempt to calm down, “I don’t think she got much sleep. Probably high off adrenaline.” There was a light breeze blowing at our hair through Haseul’s cracked open car windows. It was lovely and warm out. A beautiful day. Hopefully it was a reflection of how smoothly all this would go, instead of being an ironically gorgeous setting to a potentially disastrous situation.

Haseul rested her hand gently on mine, taking note of all my anxious twitching, “How come you’re so nervous? Isn’t that Jungeun’s job?”

It was a good point. Jungeun was probably stressed enough for both of us, hell, for all _three_ of us, but that didn’t stop me from fretting. I think part of it was how much I hated actually witnessing her parents being mean to her. It made me so angry, like scarily angry. So angry I got worried I might actually lash out, and I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d do if that happened. Which also scared me.

“I dunno,” I told her, which was relatively true. Sometimes you just felt things and you didn’t have much of a reason for it, or you had so many reasons you couldn’t pick just one.

She looked over her shoulder toward the back seat, “You wanna sit back there with her on the ride to her aunt’s?” I nodded, not having thought of that before, being too preoccupied with my worrying, “Okay, then we’ll load some stuff into the front seat then.”

My phone buzzed with Jungeun’s text tone and my heart skipped a beat. Haseul unbuckled her seat belt, which she for some reason had insisted that we both stay wearing even though the car was parked and turned off.

_Jungeun-ah (｡♥‿♥｡): you can come to the door now. Don’t even knock, they’re all in the living room. I’ll just let you in_

Alright, the plan was set in motion. I unbuckled my seatbelt too, quickly exiting the car without a single word spoken to Haseul. She understood without me needing to say anything that we’d gotten the necessary confirmation.

“Are you ready?” She asked me in her mom-tone as we headed up the steps to Jungeun’s door. I didn’t used to think it was possible to be scared of a door before, but for some reason seeing it made my blood run cold. I could only imagine how Jungeun was feeling, if I was going through all this.

“Guess we’ll see...” I muttered, not caring that my response was far from reassuring. Haseul was more or less a bystander in all of this who just wanted to help out her friends. She’d never even been to Jungeun’s house, let alone had any contact with her parents, but that didn’t stop her from taking time out of her own day to do this. God I was lucky to have Haseul. Everyone deserves a Haseul.

We hovered on the doorstep, and Haseul instinctively reached to knock but I caught her wrist. Before she had a chance to question me, Jungeun’s head popped into view in the window. She unlocked a few of the for some reason numerous locks on the door and pulled it open, seeming to do so as quietly as she could.

Haseul and I softly stepped in, taking our cue from how quiet she was being and from her lack of a real greeting to us. We could vaguely hear low chatter coming from a room over, but the doorway to the living room was just out of view of where we entered. Unless someone came out of there, they wouldn’t notice us coming in.

Jungeun clasped my hand briefly before moving to prop a textbook up in the crack of the front door, leaving it open for us so we could easily bring her things outside. She gestured upstairs and Haseul and I nodded in unplanned unison before we all headed up one by one. I cringed with every slight creak I made on the steps.

“I’ve got everything packed,” Jungeun softly whispered to us as we crossed the threshold into her room. And she wasn’t joking.

It was totally barren in there. Nearly everything was gone from the previously semi-cluttered surfaces I’d grown accustomed to. Her various polaroids had been taken down, only the strings that had held them up being left adorning the walls. Her dresser drawers were left open and empty, her closet door ajar revealing only a few abandoned hangers and a forgotten pair of sneakers on the floor. All of the plushies that had been on her bed were missing, making it look strangely void of all things Jungeun-related. It was surreal being in there, knowing that this was technically still her room, where we’d spent a lot of time together and had some of the most significant moments of our relationship, but everything in it that made it _Jungeun_ ’s room was gone - packed up in various bags and suitcases and boxes scattered around the floor.

Jungeun moved to pick up her bulky looking backpack and slung it onto her shoulders, making an adorable “oof” sound at how heavy it must’ve been. She lifted up a small pile of two boxes and a plastic bag visibly containing a few of her stuffed animals. Haseul wordlessly lifted a particularly tall looking tower of boxes, topped off by what I knew was Jungeun’s favorite soft blanket. Haseul’s face was partially hidden by all the things she held. I grabbed what was left, which honestly wasn’t much: just a few stray bags full of clothes and an awkward, clunky suitcase that kept bumping into my shins when I tried to walk with it.

Before we actually moved to leave Jungeun’s room and make the fateful trek back downstairs, she made sure to say something else to the two of us in her still hushed voice, “I can’t thank you guys enough. Seriously. I owe you.”

Haseul scoffed at the notion like it was the most preposterous thing she’d ever heard, “You don’t owe me a damn thing.” God I really loved Haseul. She never let me forget that, even for a second.

I nodded firmly, “Agreed.”

Jungeun’s eyes got glossy for a second, but she blinked extra hard to dismiss the tears and it actually worked. Instead she just smiled sincerely at the two of us, her dimple showing ever so slightly, and started to lead the way downstairs.

We were greeted by a not so friendly pair of faces.

Both of Jungeun’s parents were hovering by the front door, her mother having kicked out the book that had been propping it open, seeming confused as to why it’d been there in the first place. Her father had gone with her to help investigate, and he was the first to notice us all coming down the stairs. Damn, if looks could kill, we’d all be dead right now.

“Jungeun.” The tone to his voice gave me shivers. It was so stern, so strict and commanding. I’d heard it before but that didn’t make it have any less impact, and he wasn’t even addressing me. Jungeun stopped in her tracks for a second - the response surely being hardwired into her so intrinsically it was too hard to hold in, “What do you think you’re doing having people over?” He wasn’t yelling quite yet but I could tell it was coming just from the twinge his words had, and the look on his face.

Jungeun stayed put for a few seconds, her posture doing that thing where it got straight as a pin like she was in the damn military. Haseul and I stopped as well, being behind her and knowing that this whole plan relied on whatever Jungeun told us to do.

She took an audible, measured breath and kept going down the few remaining steps, heading straight for the door, not even looking at either of them, “I’m leaving.”

Instead of being confused or hesitating like you may have expected, her mother reached and emphatically shut the door, standing in front of it with her arms crossed. Although she was a relatively small woman who we could easily push out of the way if we really needed to, none of us had thought this confrontation would need to get physical or that they’d really do this much to keep us inside. This wasn’t planned. Things were falling apart already.

Her mother’s tone was ice cold and her stare pierced like a knife, “What do you mean ‘leaving?’” Jungeun reached the bottom of the stairs, trying to reassess the situation. I could practically hear her mind buzzing with what must’ve been so many conflicting emotions I was surprised she didn’t just totally shut down.

“Let me by.” Jungeun said, the words much more of a nervous question than the firm statement it needed to be.

“ _Excuse_ me?” Her mother’s tone was like acid. It stung. I felt my own body turn to stone when her deadly stare flitted to me. A flash of recognition showed behind those dark eyes and it was only then that she started to glare. Uh-oh.

A sneer mangled her features and she looked me up and down like I was literally covered in dirt, “This is that _girl_ , isn’t it?” She said the word like it put a bad taste in her mouth. I’d never felt such a genuine hatred being expressed toward me before and I didn’t know how to respond to it.

The mentioning of me set Jungeun off and she stepped between us, blocking her mother’s gaze but not at all preventing the tangible scorn from manifesting in the air, “She has a name, and you know it. Jinsol.”

Her father scoffed dismissively, “We don’t care what her name is. We told you she was never to set foot in this house.” He took a step closer to Jungeun, physically towering over all of us. He must’ve been a foot taller, which only added to his already dreadfully intimidating presence, “How _dare_ you disrespect us like this? Where did you learn to act this way - it certainly wasn’t from us!” His voice was raising more and more and his face was actually turning red from the extent of his anger. Jungeun took a timid step back and if I hadn’t been holding all of her things, I would've moved to wrap my arms around her waist.

Before she had a chance to even try and defend herself, her mother jumped in. I had a feeling this was how most of their “conversations” went, with it just being a back and forth between her parents while Jungeun had to sit and take it all. But something was different about this. I noticed Jungeun’s grip on the box she held tightening. Her knuckles were getting white. Instead of getting timid or uncertain of what she was doing, she was getting mad.

“She got it from Jinsol. I knew that girl was a bad influence from the first time I saw her - I should’ve stopped this before it started.” She sounded so genuinely disappointed in herself. My chest was tight.

Something in Jungeun just snapped. It was like I could feel it, the way the air shifted, the way all of this became so much less one-sided, the way fire just seemed to fuel all of Jungeun’s movements and the way you could hear the rage behind her words. She laughed sassily and her parents both seemed stunned at the reaction, “Bad influence?” Oh boy, I could already tell from her tone that whatever civility this interaction hoped to have was now thrown totally out the window, “Hate to break it to you mom, but I’m the one who makes all the first moves.” She spun around, turning her back on her absolutely baffled parents as she started to head toward the back door. My heart was in my throat.

Despite being absolutely shocked right alongside her parents, Haseul and I quickly followed Jungeun. Eventually they seemed to actually process what Jungeun had said and they were far from happy.

“That’s--?!” Her father was struck speechless, it seemed, and could only make various guttural noises of frustration. I heard the two of them starting to come after us and I so wanted to pick up my pace, to just break into a run for the door, but Jungeun was walking away so calmly I didn’t want to escalate things anymore than they already were.

Her mother on the other hand was composed enough to react, “I’ve known for a long time that you wouldn’t live up to Ara, but I _never_ in my worst _nightmare_ thought you’d turn turn to something so _disgusting_ \--”

I grimaced at a pain that started to linger in my chest. Her words were so incredibly harsh and spoken with such a bitter, deep resentment, it even hurt _me_.

What I hadn’t expected though, was for it to affect Haseul.

She stopped in her tracks and actually moved, setting down her wobbly stack of boxes and bags onto a counter top we brushed past so that when she turned to stare dead at Jungeun’s parents, they could see her face. Never in the year that I’d known Haseul had I seen her look so angry, so disappointed and defensive and emotional. I’d never seen her glare with such a blatant unfiltered intensity, I’d never seen her fists clench so hard it looked like it hurt, and I’d never seen her frown so bitterly. Jungeun and I both stopped, practically in awe.

“Disgusting??” I think part of her reaction was based off her not fully understanding just how bad Jungeun’s parents were. I hadn’t told her the worst of it, hadn’t really told anyone, since it’d been confessed to me in confidence, “ _You’re_ disgusting - how can you treat your own daughter like this?!” She was shouting too. I’d never really heard her shout before. The passion behind her voice was so jarring, so real. She sneered at them, “God, you make me _sick_.” She moved and picked the boxes back up into her arms, heading to the door even though Jungeun and I were still so stunned we took a second or two to follow her.

Her parents somehow weren’t even the slightest bit fazed by that. They hadn’t so much as flinched. I heard them still on our heels, and if they really wanted to they easily could have quickened their pace to block the exit again, but they didn’t. Part of them must have wanted Jungeun gone, or were too indifferent to express anything besides anger.

Jungeun’s father’s words seemed to return to him as his temper worsened, which wasn’t surprising, “Jungeun, you stop _this instant_ and tell this girl to get out!!” He actually moved, surging forward faster than we could’ve anticipated and grabbing Jungeun roughly by her shoulder. The contact was more than enough to stop her again. On pure, _deep_ protective instinct, I reached and pulled his grip away by his wrist much harder than I probably needed to. He recoiled at my touch as if it was foul, and his harsh gaze moved to me. My throat tightened.

He glared and sneered at me like I was nothing and wasn’t even worth the air that I breathed, “ _Don’t_ you ever lay a finger on me, _or_ my daughter!” He was literally shouting, inches from my face, making me take a step back, startled by his forcefulness and his rage, “You’re the cause for _all_ of this! Don’t you know how much harder you’re making her life?! You’re _selfish_ , that’s what you are!”

I snapped.

I couldn’t hold it back anymore. At the way he was talking, the tone to his voice, the awful things he was saying, I just lost it.

Instead of retreating, I got closer, matching his gaze and his glare, raising my voice to overpower his - the extent of it almost hurting my throat, “ _Fuck off._ ” The air seemed to get sucked out of the room from the absolute unfiltered fury behind my words. It was coming from somewhere so impossibly deep, from all of the rooted frustration and dismay and helplessness I’d felt toward these two, how much I’d wanted to lash out at them, to fight for Jungeun. My grip on the boxes I held tightened so hard I made dents in the cardboard, “I care more about Jungeun than you the _both_ of you two miserable assholes put together,” I was saying all of this through clenched teeth, feeling absolutely _livid_ , my eyes starting to sting and my vision blurring with hot tears, “And she deserves _so_ much more than this, so much more than **_you_**.”

I felt a soft, incredibly comforting hand wrap around my waist, pulling me close - away from him, “Jinsol-ah...” Jungeun’s quiet, calming voice washed over me and somehow instantly drained all of my anger and rage straight out of me.

Haseul opened the back door finally, nobody there to block the exit that time, and stood on Jungeun’s back patio, “Come on, guys.”

Part of me didn’t even want to go yet. I had so much more to say to them, so much more that I wanted to emphasize and get across about how much they’d hurt Jungeun, how selfish _they_ were, how hard they’d made things for her without so much as a second thought or a fleeting moment of empathy, but Jungeun wanted to go. I could feel it in the way she tugged on me, the slightest tinge of urgency behind her voice when she said my name.

So I followed her. I let her pull me gently to the door, forcing my glare away from the wastes of breath that were her parents as I bit my tongue, swallowing down the rest of what could’ve been an endless rant. They didn’t say anything else, but the air was still so thick and heavy with tension you could’ve cut it with a knife.

Jungeun gently pushed me outside before turning on her heel, taking a deep, slightly trembling breath, and saying what I knew was the last word of this whole ordeal, “Don’t try to contact me. I never want to see either of you ever again.” Her voice was remarkably level, her body steady. I could tell that although this was huge, although saying that changed absolutely everything, she couldn’t possibly have been more prepared for it. More ready.

She reached and grasped the doorknob, already shutting the door behind us. At first her parents stood, glaring, until finally her mother rushed toward us, practically screaming.

_“If you close that door, don’t you_ ** _ever_** _try to come back he--”_ She didn’t get to finish. Jungeun slammed it right in her face.

The three of us all took a deep breath in unison, our bodies relaxing. We didn’t hear anything else from inside. Nobody was coming after us.

Jungeun hadn’t released her grip on the knob, and her knuckles were white. I reached and rested my hand on hers, finally getting her to let go. Our eyes met and there was so much behind hers, so many different emotions, but she was happy. She was so happy.

Haseul led the way to her car and we crammed Jungeun’s things into the trunk and front seat without another word, having an unspoken but partially mutual fear that her parents would rush outside and slash the tires or something. It wasn’t until Haseul actually turned on her engine and turned off Jungeun’s street that we all took another collective breath of relief.

Haseul ran her hand down her face, that whole confrontation seeming to actually take a lot out of her, “So... you okay?” She looked up at the rearview mirror at the two of us in the backseat. Jungeun clung to my hand like her life depended on the contact, and every time she trembled I made sure to tighten my grip.

A smile broke across Jungeun’s face, a beautiful, sincere, carefree smile, “I’m _so_ okay.” Haseul laughed lightly, the air buzzing with that same pleasant fuzziness it got after Minseo told us Jungeun could move in. Jungeun sighed happily, “I have literally never felt this okay in... god, in over five years.”

I moved, pulling her face toward me gently with my hand and kissing her cheek.

Haseul nodded, “You should’ve told me your parents were like that earlier, I would’ve come and killed them for you.”

I chuckled at the thought of Haseul even being remotely threatening, although the sentiment behind that was really sweet.

Jungeun giggled adorably, “I wouldn’t stop you if you wanted to head back real quick.”

Haseul shrugged, “Maybe after I get out of work later.”

Minseo’s house was toward the outskirts of the city in a more suburban area, sort of close to where Sooyoung and Haseul lived. Jungeun was actively looking all over the street and hadn’t stopped beaming for even a second during this twenty minute ride. Seeing her like that was so incredibly refreshing. You could just tell how free she felt, how relieved, and she deserved absolutely nothing less.

Even Minseo’s house looked nice and inviting. Jungeun’s parents didn’t like to decorate and everything was various shades of beige or grey. The outside of it somehow seemed oppressive too. Meanwhile, Minseo had a garden full of flowers and what looked like a hand-embroidered welcome mat covered in hearts and sewn on kittens in front of her door. The house was painted a sun-faded lavender and a wind-chime was being blown about by the light breeze. Haseul parked on the street out front, the whole neighborhood seeming ridiculously peaceful and serene.

Jungeun practically jumped out of the car before it’d even stopped all the way, ecstatic and overcome with nostalgia from actually seeing this place. Being here was probably the only fond memories she had of her childhood, so I definitely understood the fondness. Haseul and I followed quickly and actually started to unload the car, but Jungeun had forgotten all about that from the reminiscing - instead rushing straight to the front door and knocking what must’ve been a trillion times.

Who I knew was Minseo answered it and was immediately engulfed in a tight hug from her jovial niece. Wow, I almost wouldn’t have ever assumed this woman was related to Jungeun’s mother. The two just seemed so different outright. Minseo had laugh lines from what must’ve been a life filled with happiness and fun, while Jungeun’s mom was bitter and had dark eyes that sucked the life out of you whenever she looked for too long. Minseo was also notably older, her dark hair having gray strands scattered about and her forehead bearing a few wrinkles. She even dressed happier, if that makes any sense - her wardrobe consisting of bright floral patterns and stark colors. I’d only ever seen Jungeun’s mom in black or gray, maybe sometimes a tan if she was feeling crazy, but that was rare.

“Oh, hello sweetie!” Minseo gently rubbed her hand up and down her niece’s back, her smile so sweet and endearing that you couldn’t help but smile too when you saw it. She noticed Haseul and I struggling with the boxes and pried Jungeun gently off of her, “Hold on, we’ve got plenty of time for hugs later - lets help your friends huh?”

With all four of us we got Jungeun’s things inside pretty quick. Minseo led the way into her house, which was just as inviting on the inside, and brought us upstairs to an empty room. You could tell she’d done her best to make it as nice as she could, a pretty red flower having been put into a vase on the windowsill and the bed already being neatly made. For now we just set Jungeun’s things onto the floor, and as soon as they were all properly moved, Jungeun latched onto Minseo again, as if needing to make up for all the years she hadn’t been able to see her.

“Wait honey, aren’t you going to introduce me to your nice friends?” Minseo asked politely, her tone somehow managing to be incredibly comforting without her even needing to try.

Jungeun nodded, like she’d totally forgotten about us, and forced herself to let go again, smile still plastered to her face, “Right! Um, sorry, this is Haseul,” Haseul bowed slightly but Minseo was having none of it, instead moving to hug her briefly. This woman was literally an angel. Jungeun laughed lightly at how surprised I seemed. It was just startling - how could someone so incredibly nice and selfless be so closely related to Jungeun’s mother? I’d never seen siblings that were such polar opposites, “And this is my girlfriend, Jinsol!”

She’d never really introduced me as that before and it made my heart swell unexpectedly, “Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!” She hugged me too, the embrace lasting longer than the one she’d had with Haseul. It somehow made me feel homesick and at home simultaneously.

Minseo pulled back, gently placing her hand on my cheek, “Wow, you really _are_ pretty!” Jungeun chuckled again when I turned a deep red, “You two make a beautiful couple.” Jesus, was this the sweetest person alive? Maybe so.

Jungeun seemed unfazed, like Minseo was always like this, which I was starting to assume was the case. She moved and wrapped her arm around my waist, tugging me against her, “I think so too,” She said in a tone so soft and genuine it made me want to faint.

“Would you girls like some tea?” Minseo asked, already heading to the door, “I think I’ve got some cookies too, come back downstairs, lets have a nice chat!”

Haseul sighed happily as she followed Minseo back into the hall, “That sounds lovely.”

Just as I went to join them, Jungeun’s grip on me tightened, pulling me fully against her and wrapping her arms around me. It caught me slightly off guard but I reacted automatically to the contact, burrowing my face into her shoulder, still smiling at how happy she was, at how happy _this_ was. She started to twirl and play with my hair, muttering things gently into my ear.

“I literally can’t thank you enough, I don’t even know what to say...” She didn’t have to say much, her gratitude and appreciation was so evident in her voice. I moved my arms to her hips and tugged her impossibly closer, “You’re the most important person in my life, and you’ve done more for me than anyone I’ve ever met, I hope you know that...”

I gently kissed the side of her neck and felt her tense slightly, a chill going through her, “You don’t have to thank me. I’d do all that over again in a heartbeat.”

She chuckled slightly, “By the way,” She pulled back, her hands moving to wrap around my neck as she stared intensely at me, “You yelling at my dad?” She looked me up and down, slightly biting her lower lip, “That was _hot_.” I almost passed out.

I scoffed, turning an even deeper red than before, but felt my hands wander from her hips to instead move lower, “Shut up...”

She moved closer, the smirk on her face getting much more mischievous than happy, “What? I’m serious... you’re _really_ sexy when you’re mad.” I did _not_ appreciate her low tone.

My stomach did a backflip and my heart skipped a beat, “Stop that,” I warned her, feeling something that I definitely shouldn’t be feeling right now. This wasn’t the time or the place for that, but jeez, the look on her face made it seem like she didn’t even care.

Haseul poked her head into the doorway, catching the both of us off guard, “Oh jeez you two, take a breather okay? Minseo wants to know what type of tea you want.” She rolled her eyes before heading back into the hall, her sassy intrusion surprisingly being enough to snap Jungeun and I out of it.

I forced myself to pull my wandering hands away and took a step back for good measure, clearing my throat just as the density the air started to get thinned out. Jungeun sighed lightly, intertwining her fingers with mine and leading the way, “C’mon, this ‘beautiful couple’ has to make an appearance downstairs.”

***

“Are we there yettttttt?” Sooyoung groaned out, rolling the window of the passengers side up and down over and over again.

I could practically hear Haseul roll her eyes without even needing to look, “Almost, just like I said ten minutes ago,” Her mom-tone was still there, but sort of sounded more like a frustrated mom with three kids who wouldn’t stop having a tantrum in a grocery store and she was barely holding it together, “God, yaknow I never would’ve thought that Ha Sooyoung the prolific lesbian would really be as annoying as my fifteen year old sister.”

I stifled a laugh from the backseat as Sooyoung gasped in genuine offense, “Yeojin?!! Did you just compare me to Yeojin?!!”

Haseul sighed lightly, “Calm down, I was kidding. Sorta.”

Crammed in a car with Haseul, Sooyoung and Jungeun for four hours turned out to be quite the interesting experience. My mom hadn’t been too happy when I called her and pleaded with her to get a refund on my train ticket so I could instead have a road trip home with my friends, but she’d never been the best at saying no to me. This whole thing was actually more or less an excuse to spend as much time with Jungeun as possible, but can you blame me? We knew we’d have to separate at some point, that we’d be four hours apart again, but the further we could postpone it, the better. Probably not the healthiest coping mechanism, but we just didn’t care.

Haseul and Sooyoung had both agreed to tag along, and ten minutes into the ride Sooyoung was already complaining about how long this was going to take. At first Haseul had been patient with her and even tried to help entertain her and pass the time by playing road trip games with all of us, but Sooyoung’s boredom persisted. She fell asleep at some point, which was a refreshing break, but woke up only seeming extra disappointed that we hadn’t arrived yet.

Haseul hadn’t lied though, we were incredibly close. The landscape was getting more and more familiar as we went, and although part of me was greatly distracted by Jungeun’s head on my shoulder and her hand tracing soft circles on my thigh, I recognized landmarks and strips of road. Sometimes it was hard to tell because my town was so small and surrounded on all sides by vast stretches of land with not much in them, but some things stood out.

I pointed at a rest stop excitedly, “Oh!! Guys, my friend Soyeon threw up there.” She’d kill me if she knew I was telling that story.

My comment caught Sooyoung’s attention and she craned her head around to look at me, “Why?”

I couldn’t help but smirk at the memory, “I bet that she wouldn’t be able to chug a full thing of strawberry milk because, any sane person wouldn’t try it, but she did. She got halfway through before she realized it was a uh, bad idea.”

Haseul sneered at the thought while Sooyoung just seemed amused, “Is this the same Soyeon we’re supposed to be meeting at your house?” I nodded, “I like her already.”

Jungeun was being ridiculously cuddly and hadn’t separated from me since we’d gotten in the car hours before. I wasn’t complaining. She hadn’t actually said much though, and I didn’t really ask her to. I think she was letting herself be lost in thought, basking in any sort of time we got to spend together because we both knew it was getting shorter and shorter with each passing second.

It wasn’t going to be a long visit. Actually, the three of them were only going to stay the night and leave the very next morning. Jungeun had an appointment to interview with a cosmetology school, something she’d scheduled her first night at Minseo’s house. She really couldn’t miss it, so she knew she had to head back, but didn’t want to turn down the road trip. The plan was to head home, help me unload my stuff into my room, go into town to hangout with Soyeon, sleep, wake up and see them off. It wasn’t much, but it was better than saying our goodbyes in the middle of a train station again.

Jungeun spoke for the first time in what must’ve been forty-five minutes, “God, we really are in the boonies, huh?” She looked up at me curiously, “You never said you lived in literally the middle of nowhere.”

I scoffed, “It’s not ‘the middle of nowhere!’ It’s... quaint.”

Sooyoung rolled her eyes, propping her feet up on the dashboard, “It’s the middle of nowhere.”

Haseul reached over and pushed Sooyoung’s feet down, “That’s not safe, don’t do that. If I got in an accident you’d break your knees.”

Sooyoung laughed lightly, “I have an idea: don’t get in an accident.” Her feet propped again, only for Haseul to promptly slap them back down. This repeated three or four times.

“Sometimes I can’t believe you guys are older than me.” Jungeun piped up again, sitting up straighter as she started to properly look out the windows of the car at where we were.

We were right on the outskirts of town now. I started to spot familiar restaurants and stores, places I’d been dozens upon dozens of time, but swallowed down the various anecdotes I could’ve started to tell. I’d save those for later. My house was only five or so minutes away.

Sooyoung didn’t address the remark, instead looking back at us again, “Jungeun, are you nervous to meet Jinsol’s parents?”

The question caught her a bit off guard since it more or less came out of nowhere, so it took her a second to answer, “Um, I mean, no?” Her eyes flitted to me and I saw an uncharacteristic uncertainty showing there, “Should I be?”

“No.” I reassured her, “They’re really sweet. They said they’re looking forward to meeting all of you.”

Sooyoung was fiddling with anything and everything she could get her hands on to entertain herself, and her wandering hand tugged on the lever to lean her seat back. She did so and promptly slammed her seat into me. I kicked it playfully and she straightened it out, “When’re you gonna tell them Jungeun’s not just a friend, huh?”

My brow furrowed at all the serious questions coming out of nowhere. It must’ve just been from boredom. For a brief second I considered bringing up the whole Jiwoo thing, because that would for sure start some type of conversation, but I didn’t want to get her mad again so I decided against it, “I dunno. At some point.”

Haseul seemed interested in the topic, “Do you think they’ll be okay with it?”

Jungeun’s hand moved to instead loosely wrap around my thigh, also wanting to hear my answer to this, “Yeah. It’s not like I necessarily know their opinion on this stuff, we never talked about it specifically, but they aren’t the type to lash out. I think the worst they might do is tell me it’s a phase or something.”

Sooyoung shrugged, “Eh, most parents do that. It’s not a big deal, and if you’re gay enough for long enough, they eventually accept it.”

Jungeun’s head tilted adorably in curiosity, “Is that what your parents did?”

“More or less. They didn’t really care either way. I think they expected it, since I had so many dude friends and only ever made comments about how cute girls were. I wasn’t too subtle.” Once we were actually in the center of town, she seemed a bit more entertained, interested in looking at all the different shops and scenery. Don’t get me wrong, my town was incredibly small compared to their city, but that didn’t mean it didn’t have like, a downtown. It was just underwhelming to anyone who was from some place urban.

Haseul turned onto my street and I suddenly found myself getting giddy. I loved life in the city and I loved all the people I’d met there, but of course I missed home. Of course I got homesick and missed the all-nighters I’d irresponsibly pull with Soyeon when I had work the next day. Of course I missed how small things felt, how nobody ever seemed to be in a rush, how everyone more or less knew each other. It was familiar and comforting and nostalgic. Despite knowing that these three city rats I was with would never really understand the appeal of a small town, I felt at home here, and seeing my house again was so incredibly refreshing.

Haseul pointed down the street, “Is that it?”

“Yeah!” I responded a bit too enthusiastically. Sooyoung looked at me with a raised eyebrow, my excitement seeming to come out of nowhere. Jungeun smiled softly at my antics and lightly kissed my cheek, the gesture actually enough to distract me from my nostalgia trip. My face reddened slightly, her signs of affection still getting to me even after all this time.

Haseul pulled into my driveway and got out of the car, eager to stretch. Sooyoung clamored out as well, reaching down to touch her toes, spouting out a string of complaints about cramps and sleepiness. I led Jungeun out by her hand, already experiencing another flood of nostalgia at the simple sound of my sneakers against the gravel driveway.

Jungeun’s arms wrapped around my waist from behind, “A cute house for a cute girl. Seems about right.”

Sooyoung stuck her tongue out slightly at us, though I could tell that she actually got a huge kick out of seeing Jungeun and I all lovey-dovey like this, because it was partially because of her that we were even together. If my lesbian wingwoman hadn’t been so pushy, at the very least it would’ve taken significantly longer for Jungeun and I to date, if I ever worked up the nerve at all, “Get a room, you two. Jinsol if you aren’t out to your parents, you might wanna cool it a bit, cuz you two look like _way_ more than friends right now.”

She was right, yet again. Sooyoung’s signature.

Jungeun withdrew in an instant, my whole body feeling cold without her against me anymore. As if on cue, the front door opened, my dad standing there. It was so good to see him.

“Jinsollie!!” He exclaimed, his arms already open. I rushed over and hugged him, and he picked me up and spun me around like he always did, “Oof, my back hates when I do that.” He set me down gently and let me go, looking over my shoulder at my tagalongs, “Ah, right, your college pals!”

They all came over, politely shaking his hand. My mom, hearing the commotion, came to the door too just in time for the introductions, “Yeah! This is Sooyoung, the roommate, Haseul, the best friend, and Jungeun, the gi--” Oops. I almost said girlfriend. Wow. That title had been so instinctive, so seamless, it’d been automatic. The three of them all tensed up at the slight mistake, but I corrected myself clumsily, “--the girl who’s still in high school!” I forced out with a strained smile.

They all bowed politely while I hugged my mom, who was wearing the apron I knew she only wore when she was baking.

Before I could screw anything up or make anything else awkward, I was startled by Soyeon’s head poking around the corner from inside. She had on a single oven mitt and there was a bit of some sort of frosting on her cheek. Oh boy, was she trying to bake? That was just begging for some sort of disaster.

“Yooo!” She greeted me, practically jumping outside and lightly slapping my face with the mitt. I glared playfully and pinched her arm, which she pouted at, “Oh, is that really the greeting you give your best friend? Wow I feel so loved.”

My mom rolled her eyes at the two of us, but she was more than used to it, “Soyeon was just helping me make a cake for you all to eat later tonight, but now that you’re here, why don’t you head into town? The sun’s starting to set, you won’t have much time before dinner.”

I scoffed, “Mom, you let _Soyeon_ near an oven?”

Soyeon gently handed the mitt back to my mom as she returned inside the house, “I’m actually a really good chef, Jinsol, you underestimate me.” Her eyes flitted to my three city friends and lingered blatantly on Jungeun, who smiled awkwardly and did a sort of wave. My dad went over to Haseul and asked if he could start to unload the trunk full of my things, and she nodded, letting him open it as she also started to help. They got into a brief little debate about whether Haseul should help, her mom-instincts insisting that she should and my dad’s hospitality insisting that she shouldn’t.

Soyeon walked straight up to Jungeun and spoke in a low tone so that my dad wouldn’t overhear, “So I finally get to meet the girl who turned Jinsol gay?” She crossed her arms and looked Jungeun up and down, nodding slightly, “Yep, I get it.”

I moved and shoved her, my face already red, “She didn’t ‘turn me gay,’ I was gay already!” I whispered harshly at her while she tried her hardest not to laugh outright.

Sooyoung seemed incredibly amused by all this, “Jinsol I didn’t know you had _any_ straight friends besides Haseul,” She tilted her head inquisitively at Soyeon, the two of them meeting eyes, “Is there something you’re not telling us?”

Soyeon’s eyebrows raised, seeming startled by the sass, “Oh! I like her already - Sooyoung right?” My roommate nodded once, “Oh you’re the like, iconic campus lesbian or whatever. I see that too, you’re like oozing lesbianism.”

Sooyoung smiled at the wording, “Better watch out, I think it’s contagious.”

Soyeon took an exaggerated step back, chuckling to herself, “Ah, I’ve probably contracted it already. All this idiot does is send me pictures of Jungeun and now I’m whipped by association.” Wow I didn’t know she was gonna put me on blast like this. I punched her arm lightly, my blush worsening.

Jungeun laughed, shooting me a look, “For real?”

“N-no! She just... wanted to know what you looked like!” My defense was totally unnecessary, I knew Soyeon would instantly disprove any lie I tried to tell.

Our conversation lulled for a second as Haseul and my dad walked past us into the house, carrying my suitcases, “She’s lying. She’ll just send me them with no context and a bunch of heart emojis.”

Jungeun shook her head back and forth slightly, “No need to be embarrassed, Jinsol, I send pics of you in the group chat just to fangirl about how cute you are. We’re both equally whipped for each other.”

Sooyoung made a gagging noise and Soyeon laughed, pointing at her, “I second that.” She started to walk down my driveway onto the sidewalk, presumably wanting to start the short trek into town as soon as possible like my mom had said. We started to follow her right as Haseul came back outside.

“Ooh, are we going for a walk?” She asked innocently, catching up.

Soyeon nodded, “Yep, with me as your tour guide. And don’t you worry, we’ve got one embarrassing Jinsol story per every half mile, so take notes!”

She wasn’t kidding. Literally the entire trip around town revolved around Soyeon finding places where I’d made a fool of myself in one way or another. One of them was the local bowling alley, where I’d dropped a bowling ball onto our guy friend’s foot because I got so startled when he said he had a crush on me. Another was at a clothing store where I worked for a little bit, and I just straight up let someone steal because I was too scared to tell them not to, then got fired for it the next day. Some of the stories _I’d_ even forgotten about because I’d repressed them, but Soyeon for some reason hadn’t.

Sooyoung and Soyeon really hit it off, sometimes entering their own conversations consisting solely of startlingly fluid banter, like they’d known each other for years. I knew that they’d been pretty alike, but for some reason I’d assumed that the similarities would make their personalities clash instead of mesh so well. Sooyoung got a bit too much of a kick out of all the stories, which was unappreciated, but I more or less accepted the position I was being forced into. Occasionally I had my own embarrassing story about Soyeon to throw back in her face and put her on the spot, so we were sort of on even ground, but overall I was the one getting roasted.

The whole time Jungeun loosely held onto my hand, not letting go for even a second. Part of the reason I wasn’t really fazed by all the well-intentioned teasing was because of the way Jungeun’s thumb would brush along the back of my hand, or the way she’d pull me closer against her as she walked, or the way she’d wind up staring at me when I wasn’t looking at her, just staring, and would smile whenever I noticed. She seemed so effortlessly infatuated with me, with being here, with seeing where I grew up and hearing about all the antics Soyeon and I used to get up to. She’d ask a bunch of clarifying questions and for extra details, wanting to know as much as she could.

The sun started to set and we all headed back to my house for dinner. Thankfully I didn’t fumble by almost calling Jungeun my girlfriend again. I got confused when she sat across from me instead of at my side, but it made sense when she instantly started to play footsie with me beneath the table. It was sort of hard to focus on much of anything when I kept feeling her leg brushing slowly against mine, but I did my best. My parents _loved_ Haseul, especially after seeing how protective and naturally responsible she seemed to be.

One of the best things was how much they seemed to instantly take to Jungeun, too. She was so polite and kind to them, and they were the same way right back. It was so surreal to see them talking like this, it was like two worlds colliding. The whole time I felt an intense relief washing over me. If they at the very least liked her, coming out would be easier, right? Sooyoung and Soyeon wound up dominating most of the dinner table conversation with various wild stories. Soyeon had plenty from her own time at college and Sooyoung had more than enough to say about her life in the city.

Overall, I’d say that night was one of the best I’d ever had. The most important people in my life were all together, all getting along, all having a great time, and I’d never felt more elated. It almost felt like a dream, like if I blinked too hard I’d wake up back in my dorm room, but it was real. This was real, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Night came on fast and Soyeon had to head home, having work really early the next day. She exchanged numbers with Haseul and Sooyoung, my roommate even daring to hug her, which Soyeon reciprocated but then playfully recoiled from, claiming she “caught the gay.”

My dad had set up an air mattress on the floor of my room which Haseul and Sooyoung grudgingly shared, while Jungeun and I slid under the covers of my bed. I made sure to turn on my fairy lights so that the whole room was ever so slightly lit with a very faint, soft yellow glow. Haseul was exhausted from the drive and passed out as soon as her head hit the pillow, and Sooyoung joined her not shortly after. Although the two of them made a bit of a fuss about needing to share a bed, pretty soon they were entangled with one another. It was cute and I made a mental note to tease them about it the next morning.

Jungeun held me close, the two of us just staring at each other, knowing that our time was running scarily low.

“I don’t wanna sleep.” She mumbled, her words dripping with drowsiness that she was actively fighting off.

I frowned slightly, “I know...” I traced my thumb gently along her jaw and her eyelids fluttered closed for a second before she seemed to notice, quickly opening them again, “It’s okay. I can get a few weeks off work, and you can too. We’ll visit. Meet in between.” We hadn’t really talked much about what we’d do during the separation because neither of us liked thinking about it. I know, it wasn’t that mature or responsible of us, but it was hard and we just wanted to have fun for a while without needing to think about the sad things. I guess that's what that day had been, though - just a big elaborate distraction.

She took a deep breath, “It’s just a few months, right?” I nodded, smiling at her, overwhelmed by how gorgeous she was as per usual, but it was only more intense because she was inches from me, “Yaknow, one day I’m gonna move in with you,” Her hands shifted, resting on my sides and tugging so that my back arched into her, “And every night can be like this.” She edged closer, her lips brushing ever so slightly against mine, “Just us.”

I smiled uncontrollably, just the thought of that sending me to cloud nine, “Whoa, move in? That’s quite the commitment, Miss Jungeun.”

She didn’t miss a beat or even flinch at my teasing, instead leaning closer and kissing me softly, taking my breath away in an instant. She broke ever so slightly away to lightly whisper, “I’m committed.”

“Me too,” My fingers curled against her, my grip tightening possessively, “I’d move in with you tomorrow, if I could.”

One of her legs slung over mine and she pursed her lips slightly, “I’m gonna miss you.” She rolled her eyes slightly at herself, “Duh. Most obvious statement ever.”

I chuckled slightly, rubbing noses with her, “I’m gonna miss you. Also the most obvious statement ever.”

Her eyes changed for a second, something behind them shifting, and she smiled at me in this way that just... jeez, there was so much there.

“Lemme tell you what I’m gonna miss about you.” She told me softly, her voice nothing more than a whisper adorably slurred from how sleepy she was, “I’m gonna miss how flustered you get when I kiss you, how your eyebrows scrunch up in the middle whenever you think too hard, the way you twirl your pencil when you’re doing homework, how you always put whatever I need before whatever you need, the way you giggle when I push your buttons, when you send me late night sleepy texts full of hearts and kissy faces and don’t even remember sending them the next morning, I...” She seemed to stop herself, her eyes having started to glisten and sparkle from the reflection of the fairy lights. Her voice got weak toward the end.

I kissed her, pulling her close and never wanting to break away, but knowing that wasn’t realistic. I knew she was going home in the morning, I knew she was going to be dreadfully far away, I knew we wouldn’t see each other nearly as much anymore. But I also knew that we’d get through it, that we’d find ways to keep going, that she was in such a better position than she was even a week ago, and that both of us cared way too much about each other to let what we had fade or lessen even the slightest bit. There was no way. And that made all of it seem okay, like it didn’t even matter. We could get through anything, and deep down we both knew that.

I pulled back first, deciding to try and be responsible for once, “We should go to bed or I won’t stop kissing you.”

She sighed and pouted slightly, “Who says I want you to?” Her eyes got dark for a second or two and I knew what she was implying, but was having none of it.

My brow furrowed, “We are absolutely _not_ going to do anything like that with those two goons sleeping right over there.” Her pout intensified and one of her hands started to wander somewhere it _should not_. I reached and caught her wrist, feeling myself already losing my breath, “Do you really think either of us could keep quiet?”

She couldn’t deny that. She rolled her eyes and brought her hand away, “Fine, jeez.” She turned around so that I could spoon her, “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

I laughed lightly, wrapping my arms around her middle and burrowing my nose into her neck. It didn’t take long for her breaths to start to even out, and I knew she was asleep. Despite my advice, I stayed awake, my mind buzzing with so many different thoughts I can’t even remember what they were. So much had happened these last few days and I hadn’t had much time at all to really process it. I could only imagine how overloaded Jungeun was. Her whole life had essentially been turned upside down, then turned back upright, then uprooted and placed somewhere else, but she stood tall throughout all of it. She was so strong. I gently kissed the back of her neck and she stirred slightly in her sleep but didn’t wake up.

Pretty soon the sounds of her steady breathing and the smell of her hair was enough to make me doze off.

***

“Guys, c’mon, I have work!” Haseul insisted a bit more assertively, having gotten past the stage of polite reminders. Sooyoung was in the back of the car that time, laying down across the seat and filing her nails. Haseul got into the drivers seat and started the engine, “Sooyoung, sit up! That’s not safe!”

Sooyoung groaned, “How can you be such a mom? Do you like, secretly have a kid none of us know about?”

Haseul ignored the comment and actually honked the horn, jostling Jungeun and I but still not jarring us enough to get her into the car.

We’d been standing against the side of the car like that for what must’ve been ten minutes - my hands circled around her waist and her forehead resting against mine. My parents had both gone to work so we didn’t need to worry about them seeing anything they shouldn’t, so we’d been a bit excessive with the PDA. Now more than anything we just couldn’t seem to let each other go, and it was taking an evidently annoying amount of time for reality to set in. She had to go. Haseul was going to be late. Sooyoung had an exam to take still, and although she didn’t seem to care as much if she missed that, it was still a deadline. Jungeun’s appointment was soon too and she was already cutting it close.

She sighed lightly, seeming to come to her senses before I could manage to and instead moving to hug me fully. I tightened my grip, fighting back tears that were steadily starting to rise up in me. This goodbye wasn’t nearly as emotionally wired as the one we’d had at the train station, but it was close. It was wildly different, almost incomparable, but it was still a goodbye, which was more than enough for my composure to start thinning.

Sooyoung rolled her window down a crack so we could hear her better, “God, lovebirds, just kiss already so we can go, okay?”

She was right. Time was up.

Jungeun took a slightly shaky breath and pulled back, her grip on me still tight. Her eyes were glossy but she didn’t look sad. In fact she was smiling, which I hadn’t expected.

“What...?” I asked lightly, my voice wistful and airy.

She blinked rapidly, shaking her head back and forth, “Nothing, it’s...” She stopped herself, as if she’d changed her mind mid-sentence. What she said next sent me absolutely reeling just as I’d started to get it together, “I’m so head over heels in love with you, Jinsol.”

My heart skipped two or three beats and those butterflies I thought I’d gotten used to returned in full force. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t even think, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. Tears started to roll down my cheeks and I wasn’t sure why, I think I was just overwhelmed. All I could think to do was move forward and kiss her with everything I had. She smiled against my lips, giggling slightly as I pressed her against the side of the car.

“Awwhh...” Haseul soft fawning from inside was contrasted by a sharp wolf whistle from Sooyoung, the noise enough to snap me slightly out of it.

I drew back and the first thing that left me was instinctive - something that had been lingering at the top of my chest for weeks, months even, but I hadn’t known how to word it or what to call it, “I love you too, I love you so so much.”

Jungeun was tearing up too now at what I was saying, and she pulled me in for another mind-numbing kiss, my whole body seeming to buzz with warmth and fuzziness and happiness and _love_ , all of this just way too much for the both of us.

Haseul sighed lightly, “Okay guys, that was super cute and whatever, but can we actually go?? I’m already gonna have to go over the speed limit just to get there on time.”

Sooyoung gasped in exaggerated surprise, “Haseul, are you going to _speed_??? I’m calling the police.”

I pulled back again, smile never having left my face. I didn’t think it ever would, not after that. Although it was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do, I took two steps away and pulled my hands from her. Her face fell ever so slightly but she didn’t let her sadness show through. We didn’t have to be sad. We had each other, and we loved each other, and we wouldn’t let anything get in the way of that. Not even distance.

Jungeun finally got into the passenger’s seat. Haseul rolled the window down all the way, although we’d already said our goodbyes, “Bye Jinsol!! I’ll miss you, come visit ASAP!”

The car was already starting to pull away. My heart wrenched ever so slightly but I kept it in. Sooyoung flipped me off out the window and then blew me a kiss, while Jungeun just waved at me until the car had pulled off down the street and totally left my sight.

She really was the love of my life.

And it all started with a foam heart on a cappuccino.

**_< 3_ **


End file.
